Introduction, looking for support

Greco1014

Hi everyone,

  I have been trying for a second baby since November 2013. DH and I conceived LO#1 very quickly, and we started for #2 O I never dreamed how hard this was going to be. We tried for months with no luck, and finally I went to my doctor for help. She ran some tests, didn't find much, but decided she wanted to start me on Clomid. She gave me the prescription. Before I could fill it, I got pregnant (on the twelfth month of trying). Unfortunately, I lost that pregnancy about a week after getting the BFP.

I went through about a month of depression and anxiety, and then DH and I started trying again. THis month, I thought maybe we had done it. My period was late (and actually kind of still is). But then I remembered that I might have ovulated late, and yesterday I took a test and got a BFN. 

I know I'm lucky to already have one healthy kid--believe me, I do know that. But trying and failing to have a second baby has been one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced. I feel like I'm failing, and I'm also failing my son because I wanted to give him a sibling. I quit my job about six months ago to stay home with my son, and the plan has always been that I would stay home for a little while, have a second baby, and then go back to work when the youngest starts preschool. I had hoped to be pregnant when I quit my job, but even though I wasn't, I though I would still get out of there and probably would get pregnant soon after (I was a teacher, so it made sense to go at the end of the school year). Now, I'm seriously wondering what I'm going to do...if I should go back to work sooner, etc.  It's all just such a big mess, and I don't have many people I can talk about this with IRL. My DH tries, but he just can't comfort me the way I need. He never knows what to say.

When my period officially comes, I'm going to call my doctor and ask her about the Clomid again. She also recommended a Hysterosalpingogram before my pregnancy/miscarriage, so I'm going to see if I should still do that to.

Sorry, I don't mean to sit here and whine to all of you who are also going through this... I just don't know what else to do right now. I just feel really lost...

mushE

Welcome, and I'm so sorry for your loss.  I'm in the same boat, where we had no trouble with #1, and I'm in a bit of shock that we're here.  Please don't feel guilty about wanting a second child!  I may be reading into your statements here, but please don't. 

So your doctor did the CD3 bloodwork?  I'm early in that referral process, and having an HSG this week.

Anyway, welcome to the group, and I wish  you luck!

NB817

HI and welcome! I'm sending you a big hug first off. Reading your post brought me back to exactly how I felt when I first joined this board. I know how hard it all is and the disappointment you feel. This board is a great place for support, advice and questions.

Before I joined I had already taken clomid given by my OB and didn't realize how important it is to be monitored while taking it because it can actually harm your fertility so please make sure your OB does this before taking it. Hope your stay here is short and I'm sorry for your loss.

Greco1014

Thanks for your kind words, guys!  

I def do have a lot of feelings of guilt...though I'm not always sure for what. DH and I had always planned on having two kids very close in age, and now we're looking at 3.5 years difference IF we get pregnant soon, and i'm afraid it's going to be a lot more. I know that wouldn't be the end of the world but it's just not the way I thought it would be, you know? So I think I feel guilty for not giving my son that sibling that would have been so close in age to him. And I then I feel guilty for feeling guilty, because I already have one beautiful child and I should just be happy about that. It's all kind of a vicious cycle. 

 Yes, I've had the bloodwork done. I had been planning to do the HSG but got derailed when we actually got pregnant. I need a referral from my GP before I do the HSG, so I just made an appointment with him. That way I can get the HSG this cycle. 

Can I ask, what does it mean exactly to "be monitored" while taking Clomid? I've been hearing that I shouldn't take Clomid through my obgyn and should only take it from an RE...so now I'm thinking I might get a referral to an RE while I'm at it. I'm eager to take the Clomid but I don't want to rush into anything just out of desperation...

Having a plan for next cycle makes me feel better, as does hearing from you ladies...so thanks again! 

NB817

I believe taking it monitored means blood work and U/S while taking it. I did take it unmonitored and it messed with my head, emotions, and body...and that was on a low dose of it.

Seeing an RE definitely has helped me especially because they are thorough and make a plan for you.

Reagan1010

Welcome! When monitored, an RE will do a baseline ultrasound on CD 3 to check to make sure your lining shed during your period and that you don't have any cysts.

You would take the clomid on days 3 through 8, or cycle days 4 through 9. Your RE would then have you come back in for another ultrasound probably around CD 12. They are checking the size of your follicles, measuring the thickness of your uterine lining to make sure you could support a pregnancy, and making sure that no cysts have developed. They are also making sure your follicles didn't go into hyper drive (think Jon and Kate plus 8).

If your follicles aren't big enough then they will have you come back in a couple days to recheck. Clomid is an amazing drug that works really well, but it needs to be monitored closely because the side effects could potentially ruin your fertility if it isn't caught.

I hope this helped a little. Let me know if you have any other questions, & I will try to answer the best I can :-)

WLJ2

I don't have much advise ad insight but I wanted to say welcome. Don't feel bad if you ever have to whine. We're all here for that support.

mushE

Yes, I totally understand that guilt!  It's so hard to let go of what you thought your family would look like, and easy to feel guilty for wanting a second, like saying one isn't enough.  Lots of good thoughts for you.

I'm a newbie to Clomid, but these ladies explained everything I know about it already.

Greco1014

Thanks, everyone. You've all been extremely helpful!

Katelobster

Hi I'm new too. Sorry you have to be here. My daughter is a couple months older than your son and I also feel so sad about the age difference and it not being what I wanted. And I also feel like a huge mess every month and don't feel like I have many people I can talk to about it. My DH is sympathetic and a little sad it hasn't happened yet, but isn't full-on devastated every month like I am.

I don't have any advice but I hope it happens for you soon!

Greco1014

Wow, @Katelobster, you and I are going through the exact same thing... I'm so sorry for your struggles. Maybe we could PM sometime.

Katelobster

@Greco1014 I would like that!