Need to vent.

megcamire07

I'm feeling a little blah lately. As far as health wise, I feel good, but mentally and emotionally not so much. Most days are better than others. It's hard to cope with losing two pregnancies in a short amount of time, and having people around you that you know and talk to go through healthy pregnancies. Mind you I work in a daycare center, and have been here for almost 8 years now. I love my job, I love the parents and all the children, but at the same time can't help be so upset when one parent comes in and announces they are expecting. I've learned that while I'm busy with the kids I don't think much about it, it's when I get home that it all just hits me. It's like a wave of emotions wash over me, what did I do wrong? DID I do something wrong? Why does it keep happening? I know deep down it isn't my fault. Then I get the news that my best friend is expecting. I'm so happy and excited for her and I'm also so jealous and hurt that I can't have what she has. My husband copes differently than I do, when I first told him I lost each baby he completely shut down on me for days. The second time it happened, I was more scared to tell him because of how he deals. Unlike me, he doesn't talk about it, or want to talk about it. Am I wrong for wanting to get it all out and off my chest then just keep it bottled up? When we are ready for TTC will I be mentally ready for it, because I don't talk about my losses? That's what I'm really thinking..

CC1017

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You didn't do anything wrong, but I know it's hard not to feel that way sometimes.  It can be very difficult when you and your DH grieve differently, especially if he doesn't want to talk about it at all.  Have you considered counseling? I find it to be very helpful. I can talk about my loss as much as I want and feel normal.

Anselser

I wanted to tell you that I understand as I am dealing with a slightly similar situation. While I've only had one loss, I too work in a child care and deal withe that same problem when its quiet in my room. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

megcamire07

@CC1017‌ yes I have considered counseling, my hospital does have somebody on hand I can talk to when needed if needed, and I have thought about contacting them. As far as my DH @tkford216‌ I'm trying to figure out how to bring the subject up without upsetting him. I know we need to both be on the same page before TTC again. I know he wants one its just all on when I can sit him down to talk it over.

Nikolie93

I am so sorry you're going through a hard time *hug* It's hard not to think about what we could have done differently but please know the losses were not your fault. 

I agree with tkford216 about getting back that connection with YH before TTC again. Relationships are already hard enough but when you add losses in the mix, they can get harder. 

Everyone grieves differently and I know so many guys that just bottle stuff up and that isn't healthy. I think it's much healthier to be open and talk about it. Maybe counseling would help him open up. 

I hope it gets better for you soon. 

MellyMel15

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. You're certainly not alone. 

My MMC was in September and I still have hard days. I know how you feel when it comes to seeing all these other women around you go through normal and healthy pregnancies. I don't think I've ever known so many pregnant women— I seriously feel like the universe is screwing with me. My best friend announced she was pregnant a month after my MMC (due a month after I would have been). While I'm happy for her, it felt like a slap in the face when she told me (I cried… a lot). I would never want anything bad to happen her, but I'm still very jealous. She knows how hard things are for me right now, so, luckily, she doesn't bring up baby stuff unless I ask. 

As for your DH, I'm sorry that he's shut down. As one of the PPs suggested, maybe counseling would be beneficial. Or you could see if there is a loss support group in your area (my OB/Gyn recommended one for us that deals specifically with this type of loss and it meets at our local hospital). We've been to two of those meetings, and it's been helpful.

Please know that we are all here to support you. Sending you lots of hugs. 

rmpar29

I'm so sorry that you are going through a rough time.  I agree that you and YH need to find that connection again before TTC.  Maybe ask him to go to some counseling with you. 

Please know that the losses weren't your fault.  There's nothing that you could've done.  Many ((((HUGS)))) and know that we are here to support you.

renegadewhit

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You did nothing wrong, and you don't deserve this. ((Hugs))

megcamire07

@MellyMel15‌ same with me. Only my best friend and I would have been due the same time. So thinking about her going through with it makes it more sad. And I swear after my second MMC the week of Christmas, everyone around me is pregnant. We are best friends, and sometimes she just gets so excited and talks about it not even realizing it. Like I said I'm so happy for her and I want her to have a healthy pregnancy, but I can't talk about it without just wanting to break down in tears.

LittleDucky

I am so sorry for your losses.  Please know it is completely normal to have conflicting feelings and to have things trigger emotional responses even when you thought you were doing "ok."  Hearing about other people's pregnancy announcements is a trigger for a lot of us.  You can be happy for her and still be sad for yourself.

MellyMel15

@megcamire07- Yup, the universe isn't very interested in being a fair place. That's tough that you guys were due around the exact same time— I have the same sad thoughts about how me and my friend should have been going through this together. 

You probably feel the same way that I do in that it kind of makes the friendship tricky. I don't want my friend to think that I don't care about her pregnancy or that I'm not happy for her, but talking about it too much is upsetting. Conversely, our friends are so excited about their pregnancies, but don't want to hurt our feelings. It's shitty and hard. 

Also, as long as we're venting here, my friend sometimes says when she's trying to be supportive "Well, I've always had health issues, so I never thought I'd get pregnant so quickly." It makes me kind of want to slap her a little. 

alm288

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. It must be hard working with little kids every day - I can't imagine. I do think your emotions are justified, but definitely don't blame yourself. (((hugs)))