Estranged dad

luv4LO

I'm looking for some outside advice.    My "father" is attempting to reconnect with me. We have never had a relationship.  He paid child support to my mom (sometimes) and she raised me on her own.  He sometimes sent Christmas or birthday gifts but I have never spent more then a few hours with him, if that, and never alone, there was always other family around.  Point being we do not have a father/daughter dynamic at all and never will.   We are facebook friends and its given him a chance to keep up with me without being too overbearing.   Since having a child of my own he has been more aggressive about starting a relationship.  Up to this point I was fine with the here and there facebook post or message and a nice distance between us.  The point of that quick back story is, he was never a parent to me, but now he is calling himself, grandpa and his wife calls herself grandma on facebook for everyone to see.  They post on my comments and have even copied pictures I post, post them to their walls and label them "our grandchild".  I know curse facebook and everything I post is no longer private.    I don't feel like they should have the privilege of calling themselves grandma and grandpa. He has grandparents that have been in my and my DH's lives for ever.     What do you ladies think?   And hoping someone has a similar experience I can relate to and take some advice on how to approach the subject with them.   I don't mean to shut them out completely but its getting to the point where I think I might have to.  Whats everyone's take?   Thanks!!! 

luv4LO

I have thought about unfriending them.   What I did do was block them from seeing some pictures I post, that resulted in his wife tagging me in a photo she posted about loving her grandchild with all her heart, but....since "I" blocked them from my pictures they are heart broken.  You are right, boundaries need to be set for my comfort. I might use those exact words!   Thank you! 

jamjoyful

I would unfriend his as well.

kaitm22

I guess I would start adjusting settings so they cannot see anything you post about LO. My settings are that way for my MIL and GMIL. I can totally understand why you are uncomfortable with them doing that, and to me that is crossing the line, especially the lady calling herself grandma, when it sounds like you have absolutely no relationship with her.

You could tell him how you feel, but I think how much you are comfortable talking to him about this probably depends on how stable you feel your relationship with him is, if you don't want to take the chance of him getting offended and freaking out. Unless you wouldn't mind that.

tinkerbell019

I agree w/PP and would unfriend until a time if/when you are more comfortable. My DH did not have a good relationship w/his father through most of his youth. It took a long time, but now the family communicates a lot more, we even plan an annual summer get together every year (they live in another state, so we're not super close). But it's been a healing process for all to establish better relationships. My feeling is family is family, not everyone has a past they are proud of, sometimes there is a lot of hurt, sadness, and regret from all sides. But, there is a chance that they are now ready for a mature relationship. At least this is how things were for us, while we are still not super close - we now feel comfortable sharing and getting together when we're in town. As long as you play mama bear and protect your cub from mal intentions of any kind, letting LO eventually know your dad & his wife may be beneficial for LO and even for you. There's no way around it that it's a hard situation. I would also talk to your mom about it, to see what her feelings may be. In DHs case, we all now spend time together, including both of his parents and their current spouses.

luv4LO

Thank you all, very good points!   and yes, @weeklyplanner  she is crazy. That's a bit of the reason why I don't want much of a relationship.   

tamarar5

I'd tell them why, but unfriend them. Tell them they have to earn the right to be grandparents, it's not a guaranteed thing. Be blunt. Your dad had a lousy relationship with you, you don't know them that well, and you aren't at all comfortable with their friends knowing intimate details about your life, or your child. Tell them that you would like to maintain communication, but you are not comfortable. But let the potential of future communication and interactions stay available at YOUR discretion.

wandsandwine

I have a fear of this. I have not spoken to my father in 16 years and before that was a 10 year stretch, because he chose to leave. I am friends with members of his side of the family and my half brothers (one of which lives with my father). I'm scared one day he will want to be part of my life again and end up breaking LOs heart like he broke mine when I was little.

So in short I don't have advice but as a fellow mommy with father issues I hope you find what works for you. Don't feel bad for the choices he has made and look out for your family

luv4LO

@Mrsthompsontobe  thank you  it is not easy.  I am also friends with other members of his family (my aunts and uncles, and a few cousins) and this can create drama.  I get the impression that they feel bad for me and how things turned out, and maybe some even feel some responsibility for his actions.    

leannerivers

If you want him in your life I would also suggest setting boundaries. I'm sorry this is really hard but sometimes a child can bring a family together :-) it's worth a shot to try if that is what you want. I haven't seen my dad for almost a year. I told him I was pregnant at 6 months, emailed him a picture of my daughter a month after she was born. I know that our relationship now will consist of every once in a while correspondence, which I'm okay with. Does it suck? Yeah, but he can't abide by my boundaries so this is the way it has to be. He's way too much of AC conspiracy theorist, is living out of his car, and didn't even want to see my daughter because she got vaccinated. He's cray cray!

mindfulmama14

I think honesty and boundaries are key. Find out what feels comfortable to you and let them know. I have a MIL who has been an addict off and on for years. Due to her dishonesty and toxic atmosphere her addiction creates, we are in a current phase where we've told her we need space. She keeps pushing to come see the kids. I think it helps to remind myself that boundaries are important for everyone. I can't take on the responsibility of always pleasing her if I don't feel comfortable with things. Just follow your intuition and comfort level. I think it's noble of you to allow them back into your life... and I think you have every right to set the boundaries of how that will be. They should be able to accept that things can't be a fairy tale given the circumstances. Who knows, maybe one day things may get to where they want it, but it needs to be on your timeline. That always bothers me the most, that my MIL thinks I should sweep everything under the rug and and tries to manipulate me into thinking I'm unforgiving. . I just tell her: I don't mind you being a part of their lives, but it's not going to be as perfect as you want it to be- because you made choices to put the mistrust there.

Lol, just noticed I'm starting to vent. Didn't mean to. Just hope that you can find peace with everything.

mindfulmama14

tamarar5 said:

I'd tell them why, but unfriend them. Tell them they have to earn the right to be grandparents, it's not a guaranteed thing. Be blunt. Your dad had a lousy relationship with you, you don't know them that well, and you aren't at all comfortable with their friends knowing intimate details about your life, or your child. Tell them that you would like to maintain communication, but you are not comfortable. But let the potential of future communication and interactions stay available at YOUR discretion.

I love this. Well said. I'm using this the next time I need to explain to MIL or remind myself I'm not being malicious.

alphaxi614

That is a tough spot and I sympathize!  Prior to my DS being born I hadn't had contact with my father in over 10 years.  Never even told him I got married.  I debated and debated about if I should tell him, he and I had a TERRIBLE relationship he was an alcoholic and emotionally abusive.  Walked on on my mom when I was 6, so I really didn't want to expose LO to that.  Then my mom of all people made a really good point I couldn't ignore...

This isn't about me and my relationship with my dad it's about son and his potential relationship with his grandfather.  My son has a right to build his own relationship and form his own opinion.  

So after LO was born I sent my dad a birth announcement and letter and at Christmas I got a card back.  So far that's the extent of our contact  but if that ever changes and either side want to meet each other there will be strict boundaries and rules (like no drinking!)

So as hard as it is I say don't cut him off.  Reach out, lay ground rules, make sure his wife understands she is NOT Grandma, but don't cut them off completely.  Who knows maybe your LO will be lucky and have a different relationship.

Anyway that's just my 2 cents, whatever you decide you have a world of support here!  

jessicamunn

Well said. I understand your reluctancy regarding your father and his wife. Truthfully I haven't spoken to my father in nearly 7 years because it wasn't a healthy relationship. I'd just be really up front and honest with him. You're the momma and you call the shots. Don't ever feel guilty like you're taking something away from him because in reality he did it to himself. You're only doing what's instinctive as a mother to protect your child, and even if it hurts his feelings, it isn't your problem.

Hugs

luv4LO

Thanks everyone! It has been very helpful to get your input.  I have some decisions to make thats for sure!