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TTC After a Loss
rae80407
member
3rd times the charm Intro: Warning *Its a book.*
rae80407
member
Hi all. I have posted twice thinking I had found the board for me and finally I think I have. Hopefully third times the charm. I wanted to share my full story and since its so long i just pasted I hope all of you lovely ladies dont mind.
My pain is not as fresh as some of yours as my story begins 3 years ago, but nonetheless I still have days where I still struggle to keep my feelings locked away. I'm deeply sorry there is a site like this while also thankful. I've never posted my story anywhere and at this point in my life I feel as though I am ready to share.
I wish I had thought to become part of a support group forever ago, lord knows I probably needed to see a therapist, but now here I am on the other side of my grief and ready to see what my future holds for me. So, here is my story, I apologize in advance for the length as well as thank you for your time reading.
Let me start by telling you that I am 24 years old and am with my highschool sweet heart, we've been together nearly 8 years. I had never thought too much on being a mother other than I knew I wanted children at some point in my life but it wasn't ever a worry. That all changed 3 weeks before my 21st birthday.
I had been experiencing stronger than usual preAF cramps along with sore BBS that I had never had. I never kept up with my monthly cycles but then began suspecting it was around that time. So I told my bf of my suspicions and stocked up on early hpts deciding if AF had not come by the next day I would test.
The next morning I woke up nervous, excited, scared you name it and got the test out heading to the bathroom. Once in there I discovered a small amount of blood in my panties but thought wth I already have the test I might as well. I was thoroughly shocked at receiving my very first bfp. I never realized how much I wanted a child until that moment.
I was excited but worried at the bleeding. I had read before of implantation bleeding and figured that's what it was being a small amount and put it to the back of my mind. I at that time was a smoker so I immediately quit and started vitamins as well as set up my drs app.
My bf and I were excited but decided to tell only a select few people of our news until we were out of the danger zone as I was aware of the emotional torment involved with telling of a miscarriage since my mother had suffered one in my early teens. We told only close friends and our parents. Everyone was ecstatic. My bfs mother ended up telling almost everyone we new. I was mad at first I kind of felt she stole that from me the joy of announcement but I got over it as she was just happy.
My first drs app came and I was nervous as I had still been bleeding off and on and very lightly not accompanied by any cramps for the last week since bfp but was hoping for some reinsurance that all was well. They drew tubes and tubes of blood and told me I was approximately 5 weeks along and to just take it easy. They also told me my progesterone levels were low and that I needed progesterone shots to help it. I was scared but willing to do anything for my baby's health and took the shots after being told by the nurses over and over that it would in no way hurt the pregnancy only help.
By late that night I began cramping and more bleeding. I had at one point went to the bathroom and passed a very small amount of gray veiny tissue. I immediately became hysterical screaming and crying that it was my baby. My bf finally calmed me down and told me to just call the Dr and that it would hopefully all be ok. I never saved the tissue to show the Dr as I was far too terrified to look too closely at it. The nurse at the drs office told me I was probably having an early miscarriage and that was likely uterine tissue.
I was crushed but refused to believe it and decided maybe if I stayed off my feet I could prevent this from happening. The following day I passed a clot the size of my palm that didn't look like anything I'd ever seen. It looked like a sac and I was terrified and crushed but still in denial.
A few days later the bleeding had been very little and I had googled and managed to convince myself it was just old tissue making room for my baby. Then suddenly I developed a pain on my left side very similar to gas pains and that's what I thought it was since I had read you're more gassy while pregnant. The pain became worse over the next few hours to the point I was doubled over and rocking because it hurt to be still I was even having my bf beat my back to try to move the gas. After no relief my friend who had recently given birth talked me into going to the er where I would at least be able to see if my baby was ok. So we went. By the time I got there the pain was constant and bad. When they heard I was pregnant they immediately did an u/s. The results were that there was nothing in my uterus but a small mass in my left fallopian tube. They said that the levels of hcg that I had, I should have had something in there. The nurse informed me that they weren't sure if the mass was a cyst or my baby but that they had to treat it as an ectopic pregnancy because of my pain and other symptoms. I was stunned. When I asked if I could leave and get a second opinion but was coldly told that I could but would probably die. I was numb, an out of body experience, as they moved me to the maternity ward. I was so upset but thankful my bf was there. We told his mother, who we were living with at that time.
Before I could even see the official Dr she had called everyone and said I lost it. I was so mad but couldn't deal at the moment with people coming in our room even if they were just concerned. I hadn't even had a chance to process that I was going through this myself. The Dr that came was the Dr I had been to see and she explained I would be given the mtx shot and what that meant. I was so upset they had to give me something to calm me I even had all of my friends put out of our room as I couldn't deal much less with an audience but I had my bf, my rock beside me.
When it came time for my shot I began to panic again everything going through my mind. What if they were wrong! I asked the nurse for a few more moments and she hatefully replied, "Do you think we're trying to kill your baby? Because you have no viable pregnancy." I cried the entire night away as the shot did its job. I also was made to have the depo shot to make sure I didn't get pregnant again right away and told that after my levels reached zero I would have to be put on a folic acid regimen. I continued to have my levels checked and they were going down the way they should.
After my last check the drs office never called and I had to call repeatedly to speak with someone for the results where I was told my miscarriage was over and I could try again. I felt so lost and felt they weren't concerned with my file as that wasn't really my situation and never scheduled a follow up visit. My whole experience was traumatizing and grief and depression consumed me. For weeks I cried and became very with drawn. I lost weight because I couldn't eat.
My bfs mother who I was very angry at for stealing my moment to share my happiness as well as my grieving process from me continued to tell me to get over it that her and her cousin thought I was stupid to still be so tore up and that it wasn't the end of the world. But it was. It was the end of my world. I became more with drawn and began to have panic attacks. I couldn't work let alone drive. The mere thought of outside made me panic. I finally seen my wonderful family Dr and he put me on a very small dose of an antidepressant which eventually helped.
2 months after my loss my bfs best friend announced him and his girl was expecting and my soul died a little more. No one understood why that hurt me and I felt more alone. I pushed all my feelings down and tried to be a good friend even though it was killing me. She wasn't even happy about her pregnancy and acted like it was nothing when she got her u/s pics while my soul was screaming for that moment.
I eventually came off the antidepressants and have been doing good although all of our friends have started with their firsts and I secretly die inside a little with each one. It's been almost 3 years since and I'm happy in my life but I still grieve secretly every now and then. I've learned to be happy, mostly, for our friends and have even forgiven my now future mil for how she made me feel since I understand she didn't want me to dwell and hurt, she's just a little rough around the edges.
My fiancé and I have decided to try to conceive in the near future but not at this second. I still go through the circle of wanting a baby so bad I'd give my arms and legs and being terrified to try because I don't think I'm strong enough to go through that again if it were to happen. I'm happy in my life now and instead of panic attacks I just have manageable anxiety. I just won't feel complete with out a baby of my own one day but I can't bear to go back to that dark hole that was once my life.
So that brings me here to ttcal hoping for support while getting my nerve up to try again. I'm am so terribly sorry for all of your losses. I hope to learn from you all and receive guidance as well as help any one I can as I'm proof for anyone whose been in the dark hole of depression and anxiety after a loss that there is light and happiness at the end. Thank you for reading, this was my first time sharing my full experience with others who have went through similar things.
My pain is not as fresh as some of yours as my story begins 3 years ago, but nonetheless I still have days where I still struggle to keep my feelings locked away. I'm deeply sorry there is a site like this while also thankful. I've never posted my story anywhere and at this point in my life I feel as though I am ready to share.
I wish I had thought to become part of a support group forever ago, lord knows I probably needed to see a therapist, but now here I am on the other side of my grief and ready to see what my future holds for me. So, here is my story, I apologize in advance for the length as well as thank you for your time reading.
Let me start by telling you that I am 24 years old and am with my highschool sweet heart, we've been together nearly 8 years. I had never thought too much on being a mother other than I knew I wanted children at some point in my life but it wasn't ever a worry. That all changed 3 weeks before my 21st birthday.
I had been experiencing stronger than usual preAF cramps along with sore BBS that I had never had. I never kept up with my monthly cycles but then began suspecting it was around that time. So I told my bf of my suspicions and stocked up on early hpts deciding if AF had not come by the next day I would test.
The next morning I woke up nervous, excited, scared you name it and got the test out heading to the bathroom. Once in there I discovered a small amount of blood in my panties but thought wth I already have the test I might as well. I was thoroughly shocked at receiving my very first bfp. I never realized how much I wanted a child until that moment.
I was excited but worried at the bleeding. I had read before of implantation bleeding and figured that's what it was being a small amount and put it to the back of my mind. I at that time was a smoker so I immediately quit and started vitamins as well as set up my drs app.
My bf and I were excited but decided to tell only a select few people of our news until we were out of the danger zone as I was aware of the emotional torment involved with telling of a miscarriage since my mother had suffered one in my early teens. We told only close friends and our parents. Everyone was ecstatic. My bfs mother ended up telling almost everyone we new. I was mad at first I kind of felt she stole that from me the joy of announcement but I got over it as she was just happy.
My first drs app came and I was nervous as I had still been bleeding off and on and very lightly not accompanied by any cramps for the last week since bfp but was hoping for some reinsurance that all was well. They drew tubes and tubes of blood and told me I was approximately 5 weeks along and to just take it easy. They also told me my progesterone levels were low and that I needed progesterone shots to help it. I was scared but willing to do anything for my baby's health and took the shots after being told by the nurses over and over that it would in no way hurt the pregnancy only help.
By late that night I began cramping and more bleeding. I had at one point went to the bathroom and passed a very small amount of gray veiny tissue. I immediately became hysterical screaming and crying that it was my baby. My bf finally calmed me down and told me to just call the Dr and that it would hopefully all be ok. I never saved the tissue to show the Dr as I was far too terrified to look too closely at it. The nurse at the drs office told me I was probably having an early miscarriage and that was likely uterine tissue.
I was crushed but refused to believe it and decided maybe if I stayed off my feet I could prevent this from happening. The following day I passed a clot the size of my palm that didn't look like anything I'd ever seen. It looked like a sac and I was terrified and crushed but still in denial.
A few days later the bleeding had been very little and I had googled and managed to convince myself it was just old tissue making room for my baby. Then suddenly I developed a pain on my left side very similar to gas pains and that's what I thought it was since I had read you're more gassy while pregnant. The pain became worse over the next few hours to the point I was doubled over and rocking because it hurt to be still I was even having my bf beat my back to try to move the gas. After no relief my friend who had recently given birth talked me into going to the er where I would at least be able to see if my baby was ok. So we went. By the time I got there the pain was constant and bad. When they heard I was pregnant they immediately did an u/s. The results were that there was nothing in my uterus but a small mass in my left fallopian tube. They said that the levels of hcg that I had, I should have had something in there. The nurse informed me that they weren't sure if the mass was a cyst or my baby but that they had to treat it as an ectopic pregnancy because of my pain and other symptoms. I was stunned. When I asked if I could leave and get a second opinion but was coldly told that I could but would probably die. I was numb, an out of body experience, as they moved me to the maternity ward. I was so upset but thankful my bf was there. We told his mother, who we were living with at that time.
Before I could even see the official Dr she had called everyone and said I lost it. I was so mad but couldn't deal at the moment with people coming in our room even if they were just concerned. I hadn't even had a chance to process that I was going through this myself. The Dr that came was the Dr I had been to see and she explained I would be given the mtx shot and what that meant. I was so upset they had to give me something to calm me I even had all of my friends put out of our room as I couldn't deal much less with an audience but I had my bf, my rock beside me.
When it came time for my shot I began to panic again everything going through my mind. What if they were wrong! I asked the nurse for a few more moments and she hatefully replied, "Do you think we're trying to kill your baby? Because you have no viable pregnancy." I cried the entire night away as the shot did its job. I also was made to have the depo shot to make sure I didn't get pregnant again right away and told that after my levels reached zero I would have to be put on a folic acid regimen. I continued to have my levels checked and they were going down the way they should.
After my last check the drs office never called and I had to call repeatedly to speak with someone for the results where I was told my miscarriage was over and I could try again. I felt so lost and felt they weren't concerned with my file as that wasn't really my situation and never scheduled a follow up visit. My whole experience was traumatizing and grief and depression consumed me. For weeks I cried and became very with drawn. I lost weight because I couldn't eat.
My bfs mother who I was very angry at for stealing my moment to share my happiness as well as my grieving process from me continued to tell me to get over it that her and her cousin thought I was stupid to still be so tore up and that it wasn't the end of the world. But it was. It was the end of my world. I became more with drawn and began to have panic attacks. I couldn't work let alone drive. The mere thought of outside made me panic. I finally seen my wonderful family Dr and he put me on a very small dose of an antidepressant which eventually helped.
2 months after my loss my bfs best friend announced him and his girl was expecting and my soul died a little more. No one understood why that hurt me and I felt more alone. I pushed all my feelings down and tried to be a good friend even though it was killing me. She wasn't even happy about her pregnancy and acted like it was nothing when she got her u/s pics while my soul was screaming for that moment.
I eventually came off the antidepressants and have been doing good although all of our friends have started with their firsts and I secretly die inside a little with each one. It's been almost 3 years since and I'm happy in my life but I still grieve secretly every now and then. I've learned to be happy, mostly, for our friends and have even forgiven my now future mil for how she made me feel since I understand she didn't want me to dwell and hurt, she's just a little rough around the edges.
My fiancé and I have decided to try to conceive in the near future but not at this second. I still go through the circle of wanting a baby so bad I'd give my arms and legs and being terrified to try because I don't think I'm strong enough to go through that again if it were to happen. I'm happy in my life now and instead of panic attacks I just have manageable anxiety. I just won't feel complete with out a baby of my own one day but I can't bear to go back to that dark hole that was once my life.
So that brings me here to ttcal hoping for support while getting my nerve up to try again. I'm am so terribly sorry for all of your losses. I hope to learn from you all and receive guidance as well as help any one I can as I'm proof for anyone whose been in the dark hole of depression and anxiety after a loss that there is light and happiness at the end. Thank you for reading, this was my first time sharing my full experience with others who have went through similar things.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: 3rd times the charm Intro: Warning *Its a book.*
My Ovulation Chart
I'm glad to see you intro over here and I hope you find the comfort and support I have *hug*
Diagnosed with Lyme Disease June 2010 Diagnosed with PCOS March 2011 Diagnosed with Celiac Disease January 2013
BFP #1: August 25th 2013 EDD May 4th 2014 SCH MC October 3rd 2013
BFP #2: February 14th 2014 EDD October 25th 2014 CP February 17th 2014
Naked push-up foreplay pioneer
Diagnosed with Lyme Disease June 2010 Diagnosed with PCOS March 2011 Diagnosed with Celiac Disease January 2013
BFP #1: August 25th 2013 EDD May 4th 2014 SCH MC October 3rd 2013
BFP #2: February 14th 2014 EDD October 25th 2014 CP February 17th 2014
Naked push-up foreplay pioneer
Just be careful and don't comment on older posts. You can go back and lurk on older posts to get to know the board but usually you want to comment on only those on the first page. We call older threads that are bumped up "zombie threads". Those posts can have graduates that have updated signatures.
Me: 32 DH: 32
BFP #1: 4/1/2010 DS born: 12/3/10
TTC #2 since 5/2014
BFP # 2 : 6/16/14 EDD: 2/25/15 Missed Miscarriage discovered 7/10/14 D&C 7/17/14 Pathology results normal
BFP #3: 10/21/14 EDD: 7/6/15 11/24/14: Saw heartbeat!
TTCAL January 2015 Siggy Challenge: Animals in the snow
Scumbag Penguin
Baby #1 born 2/27/2016
Baby #2 born 3/25/2018
BFP 06/03/2020, EDD 02/10/2021
Thank you to all who have welcomed me.
@leloyd thank you for referring me to this board. I feel warmly welcomed.
@crimpgirl thank you for welcoming me. It is hard. One of our friends is currently expecting and its very hard to not be bitter. So far this board is giving me the support I needed and more already with their kind thoughts.
Married 9/13/14
Me: 24 / DH: 24
BFP#1 10/15/14 - EDD 6/19/2014 - MC 10/23/14
BFP #2: 12/18/14 - EDD: 8/31/15 - MC 1/4/14 5w6d
**Currently Benched until TBD**
My Chart
Me: 31, DH: 30, Married July 2013
TTC since March 2014
BFP#1 5.17.14, EDD 1.26.15, MMC (measuring 6w3d at 8w3d), D&C 6.26.14
BFP#2 9.19.14, EDD 5.29.15, AF on 9.23.14 CP
BFP#3 12.17.14, EDD 8.25.15, AF on 12.21.14 CP#2
Current plan: TTC while waiting for RPL results to come back
Stalk my ute
@mamadeux19 thank you for your reply also. I'm hopefully on the right path to heal completely now.
Thank you all for welcoming me.
@mamadeux19 thank you for your reply also. I'm hopefully on the right path to heal completely now.
Thank you all for welcoming me.
Me 36 DH 39
BFP 11/28/14 ~ MMC 12/29/14
TTCAL Siggy Challenge