Really Struggling — The Bump
TTC After a Loss

Really Struggling

Ugh, DH and I are really struggling with making a decision about whether to use donor eggs or do embryo donation/adoption. We go back and forth every day and feel like we're getting more and more confused and less sure about anything. Since I'm new to most of you, I have a chromosomal issue that affects my eggs, but DH apparently has steller sperm. Further history is below in my siggy.
In order to try to help us out, I created a pro/con list for both options. If you ladies don't mind, I could really use objective opinions. Anything that I am missing? What would be the most important considerations for you? Of course, PgAL ladies are welcome to post (and may also have a unique opinion since ya'll are already expecting). 

Pros of using Donor Egg:

  • DH gets to be biological father
  • Can do a “fresh” transfer without frozen embryos, which is typically more successful
  • Success rate is about 65% for each transfer
  • Embryos stay in same facility that they were created in- no risk of damage being shipped
  • If we had excess embryos, we’d be able to “give back” and donate them to another family struggling with infertility

Cons of using Donor Egg:

  • Closed donor- don’t get to know much information or have a relationship (would the child be upset with this??); No access to half-siblings; Bigger risk of donor falsifying health information
  • If it doesn’t work, we have to pay all the money again for a new donor ($9000)
  • Very small threat of being cancelled if donor backs out, doesn’t respond to meds, etc (however this has only happened once in 13 years at my RE)
  • Don’t know how many eggs we'll get or quality of them until it’s all said and done
  • If DH gets sick before the cycle, this could affect his sperm and therefore quality of the embryos

 Pros of using Donor Embryo:

  • If life starts at conception then we’re giving already created embryos a chance at life-spiritually and ethically a bonus
  • Know exactly what you are getting- how many embryos, grades (i.e., how healthy they look), etc
  • Know more background information of donors before we choose them, including photos of the family
  • Can have a relationship with donor family so the child/children know exactly where they come from, know genetic siblings, medical history
  • If transfers doesn’t work, only $2000 to get rematched with new donors
  • Guaranteed transfer of an embryo for the money we pay (because if all the embryos arrest or don’t thaw, we get rematched for free)
  • We’re provided information/counseling on explaining to our children their history, parenting issues, etc for 18 years

Cons of using Donor Embryo:

  • Have to pay for a homestudy (if we move states during the process, would have to do another homestudy)
  • Neither of us are biological parents
  • Lower success rate- about 40% for those embryos transferred
  • No fresh transfer- all embryos are frozen and are not the highest rated embryos from the cycle they were created
  • Question of quality if the embryos are coming from others with fertility issues
  • If the embryos were created using donor egg or sperm, would have the same issue of not having a lot of medical information

TTC since April 2012

BFP #1, 10/03/2012 - EDD 6/15/2013 - MMC 11/15/2012 - D&C 01/04/2013

BFP #2, 04/06/2013 - EDD 12/17/2013 - MC 04/19/2013

6/12/2013 Diagnosed with Balanced Translocation (12 & 16)

IVF #1 with PGS: 10/2013: Canceled 9/27/2013 for issues with genetic lab

IVF #1.5 with PGS: 11/16/2013: Canceled. 11 eggs retrieved, 9 mature & 9 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

IVF #2: 1/22/14: Canceled. 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

IVF #3 with PGS: 5/10/2014: Switched to FET in July. 10 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 healthy embryos!

FET #1: 7/31/2014: Transferred 2 nearly perfect (6AA, 6BA) healthy embryos- BFFN

Laproscopy: 10/2014: Healthy uterus

IVF #4: 12/8/2014: Canceled. 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 10 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos



Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

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Everyone welcome on my posts






Re: Really Struggling

  • That's a lot to consider. I am paging @BeckyP005‌ for her wisdom and insight.
    TTCAL January Siggy Challenge: Animals in the Snow

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    About Me: 

    AMA 35 :  DH 33
    BFP#1 1/26/14 (EDD: 10/7/14).  MMC 3/10/14 D&C 3/14/14
    RE Consult 11/3/14 - AMH 2.25 "great" . FSH 7.10 . Low Vitamin D
    Myomectomy 12/17/14.  Benched until March.

    image

    My Ovulation Chart
  • I think you have covered everything in those lists, so I don't have anything to add. It is a lot to process and it is completely understandable to have difficulty making the decision. Do you have much time to come to a decision? Or do you need to come to a decision quickly?
    Me: 38
    DX:  Adenomyosis, Compounded MTHFR, PAI-1 4G variant

    DH: 34
    MFI due to Testicular Cancer

    Married March 2012 <3
    IVF w/ICSI #1
    10 little polar bears
    FET #1 with 2 polar bears ~Nov 6, 2013 BFN :(
    FET # 2 with 2 more polar bears ~March 19, 2014 BFP!!!
    Beta 1= 276
    Beta 2= 662
    4/19/14 ~ baby A became an angel
    5/02/14 ~ baby B became an angel
    5/3/14 ~ D&C
    FET #3 with 1 male polar bear ~October 3, 2014
    October 13, 2014 ~ BFN
    Fur Children:  Memphis 3y, Dutch 3y, Marcel 2y, Meadow 1y



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    January 2015 Siggy Challenge TTCAL
    Animals Interacting with Snow

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  • @O2girl- No, we have as much time as we'd like, but we gave ourselves a deadline of the end of the month, since both of these can be lengthy processes

    TTC since April 2012

    BFP #1, 10/03/2012 - EDD 6/15/2013 - MMC 11/15/2012 - D&C 01/04/2013

    BFP #2, 04/06/2013 - EDD 12/17/2013 - MC 04/19/2013

    6/12/2013 Diagnosed with Balanced Translocation (12 & 16)

    IVF #1 with PGS: 10/2013: Canceled 9/27/2013 for issues with genetic lab

    IVF #1.5 with PGS: 11/16/2013: Canceled. 11 eggs retrieved, 9 mature & 9 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

    IVF #2: 1/22/14: Canceled. 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

    IVF #3 with PGS: 5/10/2014: Switched to FET in July. 10 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 healthy embryos!

    FET #1: 7/31/2014: Transferred 2 nearly perfect (6AA, 6BA) healthy embryos- BFFN

    Laproscopy: 10/2014: Healthy uterus

    IVF #4: 12/8/2014: Canceled. 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 10 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos



    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

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    Everyone welcome on my posts






  • How attached is your husband to being a biological parent? Does he have an opinion in this?

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                ***TTCAL January siggy challenge ***
  • @rubysi- he goes back and forth, I can't get a straight answer. And that's probably one of the biggest considerations. He usually says it wouldn't matter, but I wonder if later on he would regret it if he didn't have a child that was linked genetically to him. For that reason, I feel like this decision is more of his than mine. I love the idea of giving life to embryos that may not otherwise get that chance, but I also can't tell my husband that he can't be a bio parent because of my infertility issues

    TTC since April 2012

    BFP #1, 10/03/2012 - EDD 6/15/2013 - MMC 11/15/2012 - D&C 01/04/2013

    BFP #2, 04/06/2013 - EDD 12/17/2013 - MC 04/19/2013

    6/12/2013 Diagnosed with Balanced Translocation (12 & 16)

    IVF #1 with PGS: 10/2013: Canceled 9/27/2013 for issues with genetic lab

    IVF #1.5 with PGS: 11/16/2013: Canceled. 11 eggs retrieved, 9 mature & 9 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

    IVF #2: 1/22/14: Canceled. 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

    IVF #3 with PGS: 5/10/2014: Switched to FET in July. 10 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 healthy embryos!

    FET #1: 7/31/2014: Transferred 2 nearly perfect (6AA, 6BA) healthy embryos- BFFN

    Laproscopy: 10/2014: Healthy uterus

    IVF #4: 12/8/2014: Canceled. 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 10 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos



    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

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    Everyone welcome on my posts






  • I'm sorry that you have to make this decision. Your list looks pretty comprehensive to me. As overwhelming as it is, it seems like you guys are taking appropriate steps to make a healthy decision. Although the decision making part sucks, I think that you'll be content with whatever decision you come to.

    My thought while reading this: eggs are more expensive than embryos?!

    4 Losses (2003, 2008, Apr 2012, & Oct 2012)
    All RPL and IF testing with multiple REs = normal

    5 IUIs = BFN

    All AL are welcome
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  • @Rachaeleigh- yep. Actually, they are normally WAY more expensive, but our RE offers a really good price and our insurance will "supposedly" cover the medical expenses, which is a big part of the cost

    TTC since April 2012

    BFP #1, 10/03/2012 - EDD 6/15/2013 - MMC 11/15/2012 - D&C 01/04/2013

    BFP #2, 04/06/2013 - EDD 12/17/2013 - MC 04/19/2013

    6/12/2013 Diagnosed with Balanced Translocation (12 & 16)

    IVF #1 with PGS: 10/2013: Canceled 9/27/2013 for issues with genetic lab

    IVF #1.5 with PGS: 11/16/2013: Canceled. 11 eggs retrieved, 9 mature & 9 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

    IVF #2: 1/22/14: Canceled. 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

    IVF #3 with PGS: 5/10/2014: Switched to FET in July. 10 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 healthy embryos!

    FET #1: 7/31/2014: Transferred 2 nearly perfect (6AA, 6BA) healthy embryos- BFFN

    Laproscopy: 10/2014: Healthy uterus

    IVF #4: 12/8/2014: Canceled. 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 10 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos



    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    image

    Everyone welcome on my posts






    Rachaeleigh
  • Sounds like you covered everything in your list. I think it's an overwhelming decision no matter how you look at it. I would really want to know what your H thinks. Personally, I like the idea of the donor embryo, but I know that MH would not like it. He wants a child that is his, genetically. All I can offer is ((hugs)) and to be a sounding board. Wish I had more wisdom to offer.
    Multiple TTCAL 1IF 3
    imageimage
    DX: stage 2 Endo 2012, PCOS 7/2/14,  HSG 6/11/14, Lefty open!!
    BFP#1, EDD: 4/27/14, Missed EP confirmed: 9/23/13, R tube removal: 9/25/13 
    Clomid/TI #1=BFN, 
    Clomid/TI#2=BFN, Clomid/TI #3=CP
    BFP #2 CP, EDD 7/12/15
    On a treatment break: 2 natural cycles. Saving money, sigh*

    Goodbye my sweet babies. We miss you so much. 
    All Welcome


  • @rubysi- he goes back and forth, I can't get a straight answer. And that's probably one of the biggest considerations. He usually says it wouldn't matter, but I wonder if later on he would regret it if he didn't have a child that was linked genetically to him. For that reason, I feel like this decision is more of his than mine. I love the idea of giving life to embryos that may not otherwise get that chance, but I also can't tell my husband that he can't be a bio parent because of my infertility issues
    I think if it was me this would be the main factor. I am sorry you have such a tough decision and it is a decision for the two of you. Lots of hugs.

    image
                ***TTCAL January siggy challenge ***
    jbasore1123
  • H and I are kind of in the same boat. We have talked about donor eggs, donor embryos, and adoption.  The options on all have me overwhelmed and kind of in a holding pattern because I don't know what is the "right" choice.

    I lean towards donor eggs because I know that the genetic link to my H is also a genetic link to Zachary. While my H saw me in Zachary, I see Zachary every time I look at H's baby pic. My H leans towards adoption. He was adopted by his father and it is something he has always wanted to do. He is also worried about whether we will make it to term. I understand his fear on this but I'm terrified that an adoption will fall through.

    I do have a question for you on the donor eggs - one of your cons was no chance for a genetic sibling. I know there is no way of knowing how many eggs that your donor may end up with or how many will fertilize, but is their a limit on how many embryos you end up with? Also, have you thought about using a donor egg bank instead of a donor you selects that goes through a treatment cycle? With an egg bank you get a set amount of frozen eggs so it eliminates several of your cons. I'm not sure how the cost would compare to your REs program.

    Lot's of (((hugs)))

    The day the Bump died - Jasper is wise
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]HeyMrsPotter
  • I have no advice or perspective, but offering lots of hugs.
    ________________________
    Married my partner in crime 06/11/11
    DH: 29, Me: 28
    Started TTC 10/01/2013
    BFP#1: 03/05/14 | EDD: 11/11/14 | MC: 04/10/14 | D&C 05/01/14 [Molar]
    BFP#2: 10/15/14 | EDD: 06/25/14 | MC: 12/02/14 | D&C 12/04/14 [MMC]
    Current Status: RE appt 01/20/15 & Cleared to TTC
    Plan: Baby Aspirin, More (raw) folate, PNP, Iron, diet
    DX: MTHFR hetero C677T, ANA+ Homogeneous, Anemia. Ige sensitivities: gluten, egg, dairy
    All AL Welcome<3
    “Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
    We will never forgot our angels<3


    jbasore1123
  • I'm sorry you are faced with such a hard decision. It sounds like you have both put a lot of thought into this. When it comes down to it I think you could be happy with either decision as they both have their respective pros and cons. Good luck! I can tell that your baby/babies will be very loved. 

    #1 BFP 12/26/14  EDD 09/03/15 MC 01/03/15
    Currently TTCAL

    Anniversary
    jbasore1123
  • Sending you ((hugs)). I have no advice. I wish I did. I am thinking of you.

    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

    TTC #1 since June 2012
    Current Status:  IVF with ICSI and PGS
    Genetic, RPL, SA and Fertility testing = Normal/Good
        HSG = All Clear
    BFP #1 12.30.2012  ||  Blighted Ovum 02.05.2013  ||  D&C 02.11.2013
    BFP #2 09.10.2013  ||  c/p 09.12.2013

    BFP #3 12.1.2013  ||  mm/c  01.15.14  ||  D&C 01.21.14  chromosome abnormality
    May 2014:  Residual HCG and retained tissue found
    05.13.2014:  Hysteroscopy D&C to find and remove retained tissue
    June 2014:  Tissue sample results indicate a partial molar pregnancy
    May - Aug 2014:   TTA for monitoring and testing
    08.21.2014:  Hysteroscopy to remove minor scar tissue - the result of 3 D&Cs
    Sept/Oct: IUI #1  Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN
    Oct/Nov: IUI #2  Femara + Ovidrel = BFN
    Nov/Dec: IUI #3  Femara + Bravelle + Ovidrel = BFN

    My Ovulation Chart  || *~*~All AL Welcome~*~* ||  DIY Blog

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    jbasore1123
  • You have a hard decision and I also learned alot by your post so thank you. I don't have any advice but will offer *hugs*
    I am not sure how to say this without getting a "solicitation" warning so I guess I just say that I am not longer active on THIS site. 



    jbasore1123
  • I don't have any advice either since I have no experience to draw from, but wish you all the best. 
    * Me: 31, DH: 33 * Married 10.16.10 * Parents of our furbaby Sophie *
    BFP: 8.28.14 | EDD 5.6.15 | MMC Discovered 9.25.14 (8 weeks)| D&C 9.30.14

    image

    "Everybody here has got a story to tell. Everybody's been through their own hell. There's nothing too special about getting hurt, but getting over it that takes the work. Because one way or another, we all need each other. Nothing's going to turn out the way you thought it would. Friends and lovers, don't you duck and cover because everything comes out the way it should in the end." -Glen Phillips, "Duck and Cover" 


    jbasore1123
  • @buggirl72- with the genetic siblings, it would be more regarding that woman's children down the line. If I were a child of an adopted egg or embryo, I think I would want to know about my family and get to know any siblings or half-siblings that I had. With egg donation, since it's anonymous, even though we get get 2 kids from that batch of eggs, they would never know fully about their background, never have a chance to meet the genetic mother or siblings they may have somewhere in the world. And ya, but embryo donation we get to decide how many we want.. it just depends.. they have donors that have 1 or 2 and some that have 10+

    TTC since April 2012

    BFP #1, 10/03/2012 - EDD 6/15/2013 - MMC 11/15/2012 - D&C 01/04/2013

    BFP #2, 04/06/2013 - EDD 12/17/2013 - MC 04/19/2013

    6/12/2013 Diagnosed with Balanced Translocation (12 & 16)

    IVF #1 with PGS: 10/2013: Canceled 9/27/2013 for issues with genetic lab

    IVF #1.5 with PGS: 11/16/2013: Canceled. 11 eggs retrieved, 9 mature & 9 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

    IVF #2: 1/22/14: Canceled. 16 eggs retrieved, 14 mature, 7 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos

    IVF #3 with PGS: 5/10/2014: Switched to FET in July. 10 eggs retrieved, 9 mature, 8 fertilized, 2 healthy embryos!

    FET #1: 7/31/2014: Transferred 2 nearly perfect (6AA, 6BA) healthy embryos- BFFN

    Laproscopy: 10/2014: Healthy uterus

    IVF #4: 12/8/2014: Canceled. 17 eggs retrieved, 15 mature, 10 fertilized, all unhealthy embryos



    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    image

    Everyone welcome on my posts






  • I don't have much to add because I think you have a really comprehensive list.  I know it's such a tough decision.  I hope you and your H can figure out the path you want to go down soon. (hugs)
    Me: 31     DH: 33
    Dx: Me: Recurrent Pregnancy Loss; DH: Low Morphology (2%)
    BFP#1: MC 3/1/11 at 6w1d - EDD 10/21/11
    BFP#2: 5/3/11 - EDD 1/9/12 - DD Born 1/6/12
    image
    TTC #2 since 12/13
    BFP#3: MC 2/8/14 at 4w5d - EDD 10/13/14
    BFP#4: MC 5/6/14 at 4w4d - EDD 1/9/15
    BFP#5: MMC discovered 8/4/14 at 9w1d - D&C 8/5/14 - Baby Boy with Trisomy 16 (maternal origin) - EDD 3/8/15
    BFP#6: CP 11/6/14 at 4w2d - EDD 7/14/15
    IVF #1 with ICSI & PGS: May/June 2015, ER 6/3/15, 17R/17M/15F
    IVF #2 with ICSI & PGS: July 2015, ER 7/16/15, 16R/11M/9F
    PGS results = 6 normal embryos (4 boys, 2 girls)
    FET 9/23/15 = BFFN
    Natural FET 11/4/15 = BFP!
    Beta 9dp5dt = 92

    jbasore1123
  • Oh honey, I'm sorry that you and DH are struggling on making a decision.  Reading through your list I can see why you are overwhelmed.  When I think of what would be important to me three key points come to mind:

    1.  MH's bio child.  I think faced with this decision, MH would rather have the opportunity to be the bio-dad.  I certainly can't speak for YH and I wish he would really give you his thoughts on this, but I know MH would want to go this route if at all possible. 
    2.  Knowing the bio parents.  I think this is a good avenue to have open, but certainly not a requirement.  My cousins are both adopted and neither of them have any desire to know or meet their bio parents.  Of course, I can't speak for any of your children, so I think it's wonderful that you are considering this, but I wouldn't make my decision based on this.
    3.  Cost.  If I was able to swing either option, with the idea that I might need a few tries at it, then I would probably choose donor eggs.  If I wasn't able to handle a few rounds of this (and MH was OK with it) I might choose the donor embryo road. 

    Those are just what I would consider if I was faced with this decision.  I hope that you and YH can come to an agreement about which road you'd like to take.  Good luck dear and I'm sending you so many (((((HUGS)))) and lots of love!
    TTC #3 since 8/2012 image
    DX Endometriosis 2/2002 (lost left tube due to a cyst), PCOS
    6/2010
     BFP - 10/18/2012, EDD - 6/26/2013, Baby Girl lost at 22 weeks (T21), D&E 2/15/2013
    BFP - 4/23/2014, EDD - 1/2/2015 Twin Boys lost at 12 weeks, M/C 6/25/2014

    My chart here  All ALers welcome!
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickersLilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    June 3Missing Our January Snowflake
    [Deleted User]jbasore1123
  • I'm so sorry you are facing this. I have no advice or any words of wisdom here. But I want you to know you and YH are in my thoughts as you deal with this. (((Hugs)))

    PgAL welcome


    Married 6/11/2011

    Me & Hubby: 34

    TTC journey started 12/2012

    BFP #1 6/5/2013, MC confirmed 6/26/2013 @ 7 wks

    BFP#2 8/25/2013 MC confirmed 10/16/2013 @ 12 wks (D&C 10/18)

    Diagnosis: unexplained RPL, unexplained IF.

    Also have hypothyroidism

    Started TTC again 12/2013

     

    IUI#1:Clomid CD 3-7, Trigger'ed CD 12. IUI CD 14. BFN

    IUI #2:Letrozole CD 3 - 7, Follistim CD 9, Trigger CD 10, IUI CD12. BFN

    Current plan: IVF with PGD. Antagonist - Vivelle Protocal. Stim start 12/1. ER 12/14.

    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/502498

    image imageimage

    image


    jbasore1123
  • I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have no personal experience and no insight, but wanted to just offer huge ((hugs)).
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Me: 31, DH: 30, Married July 2013
    TTC since March 2014
    BFP#1  5.17.14, EDD 1.26.15, MMC (measuring 6w3d at 8w3d), D&C 6.26.14
    BFP#2  9.19.14, EDD 5.29.15, AF on 9.23.14 CP
    BFP#3  12.17.14, EDD 8.25.15, AF on 12.21.14 CP#2

    Current plan: TTC while waiting for RPL results to come back
    Stalk my ute
    jbasore1123
  • No advice, just hugs. Wishing you peace during this difficult decision.
    jbasore1123
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