Really Struggling

jbasore1123

Ugh, DH and I are really struggling with making a decision about whether to use donor eggs or do embryo donation/adoption. We go back and forth every day and feel like we're getting more and more confused and less sure about anything. Since I'm new to most of you, I have a chromosomal issue that affects my eggs, but DH apparently has steller sperm. Further history is below in my siggy.
In order to try to help us out, I created a pro/con list for both options. If you ladies don't mind, I could really use objective opinions. Anything that I am missing? What would be the most important considerations for you? Of course, PgAL ladies are welcome to post (and may also have a unique opinion since ya'll are already expecting). 

Pros of using Donor Egg:

• DH gets to be biological father
• Can do a “fresh” transfer without frozen embryos, which is typically more successful
• Success rate is about 65% for each transfer
• Embryos stay in same facility that they were created in- no risk of damage being shipped
• If we had excess embryos, we’d be able to “give back” and donate them to another family struggling with infertility

Cons of using Donor Egg:

• Closed donor- don’t get to know much information or have a relationship (would the child be upset with this??); No access to half-siblings; Bigger risk of donor falsifying health information
• If it doesn’t work, we have to pay all the money again for a new donor ($9000)
• Very small threat of being cancelled if donor backs out, doesn’t respond to meds, etc (however this has only happened once in 13 years at my RE)
• Don’t know how many eggs we'll get or quality of them until it’s all said and done
• If DH gets sick before the cycle, this could affect his sperm and therefore quality of the embryos

 Pros of using Donor Embryo:

• If life starts at conception then we’re giving already created embryos a chance at life-spiritually and ethically a bonus
• Know exactly what you are getting- how many embryos, grades (i.e., how healthy they look), etc
• Know more background information of donors before we choose them, including photos of the family
• Can have a relationship with donor family so the child/children know exactly where they come from, know genetic siblings, medical history
• If transfers doesn’t work, only $2000 to get rematched with new donors
• Guaranteed transfer of an embryo for the money we pay (because if all the embryos arrest or don’t thaw, we get rematched for free)
• We’re provided information/counseling on explaining to our children their history, parenting issues, etc for 18 years

Cons of using Donor Embryo:

• Have to pay for a homestudy (if we move states during the process, would have to do another homestudy)
• Neither of us are biological parents
• Lower success rate- about 40% for those embryos transferred
• No fresh transfer- all embryos are frozen and are not the highest rated embryos from the cycle they were created
• Question of quality if the embryos are coming from others with fertility issues
• If the embryos were created using donor egg or sperm, would have the same issue of not having a lot of medical information

meredithcarole

That's a lot to consider. I am paging @BeckyP005‌ for her wisdom and insight.

O2girl

I think you have covered everything in those lists, so I don't have anything to add. It is a lot to process and it is completely understandable to have difficulty making the decision. Do you have much time to come to a decision? Or do you need to come to a decision quickly?

jbasore1123

@O2girl- No, we have as much time as we'd like, but we gave ourselves a deadline of the end of the month, since both of these can be lengthy processes

rubysi

How attached is your husband to being a biological parent? Does he have an opinion in this?

jbasore1123

@rubysi- he goes back and forth, I can't get a straight answer. And that's probably one of the biggest considerations. He usually says it wouldn't matter, but I wonder if later on he would regret it if he didn't have a child that was linked genetically to him. For that reason, I feel like this decision is more of his than mine. I love the idea of giving life to embryos that may not otherwise get that chance, but I also can't tell my husband that he can't be a bio parent because of my infertility issues

Rachaeleigh

I'm sorry that you have to make this decision. Your list looks pretty comprehensive to me. As overwhelming as it is, it seems like you guys are taking appropriate steps to make a healthy decision. Although the decision making part sucks, I think that you'll be content with whatever decision you come to.

My thought while reading this: eggs are more expensive than embryos?!

jbasore1123

@Rachaeleigh- yep. Actually, they are normally WAY more expensive, but our RE offers a really good price and our insurance will "supposedly" cover the medical expenses, which is a big part of the cost

megrae12

Sounds like you covered everything in your list. I think it's an overwhelming decision no matter how you look at it. I would really want to know what your H thinks. Personally, I like the idea of the donor embryo, but I know that MH would not like it. He wants a child that is his, genetically. All I can offer is ((hugs)) and to be a sounding board. Wish I had more wisdom to offer.

rubysi

jbasore1123 said:

@rubysi- he goes back and forth, I can't get a straight answer. And that's probably one of the biggest considerations. He usually says it wouldn't matter, but I wonder if later on he would regret it if he didn't have a child that was linked genetically to him. For that reason, I feel like this decision is more of his than mine. I love the idea of giving life to embryos that may not otherwise get that chance, but I also can't tell my husband that he can't be a bio parent because of my infertility issues

I think if it was me this would be the main factor. I am sorry you have such a tough decision and it is a decision for the two of you. Lots of hugs.

buggirl72

H and I are kind of in the same boat. We have talked about donor eggs, donor embryos, and adoption.  The options on all have me overwhelmed and kind of in a holding pattern because I don't know what is the "right" choice.

I lean towards donor eggs because I know that the genetic link to my H is also a genetic link to Zachary. While my H saw me in Zachary, I see Zachary every time I look at H's baby pic. My H leans towards adoption. He was adopted by his father and it is something he has always wanted to do. He is also worried about whether we will make it to term. I understand his fear on this but I'm terrified that an adoption will fall through.

I do have a question for you on the donor eggs - one of your cons was no chance for a genetic sibling. I know there is no way of knowing how many eggs that your donor may end up with or how many will fertilize, but is their a limit on how many embryos you end up with? Also, have you thought about using a donor egg bank instead of a donor you selects that goes through a treatment cycle? With an egg bank you get a set amount of frozen eggs so it eliminates several of your cons. I'm not sure how the cost would compare to your REs program.

Lot's of (((hugs)))

kreardon11

I have no advice or perspective, but offering lots of hugs.

RoseTyler72

I'm sorry you are faced with such a hard decision. It sounds like you have both put a lot of thought into this. When it comes down to it I think you could be happy with either decision as they both have their respective pros and cons. Good luck! I can tell that your baby/babies will be very loved. 

MyFirstRaspberry

Sending you ((hugs)). I have no advice. I wish I did. I am thinking of you.

Nikolie93

You have a hard decision and I also learned alot by your post so thank you. I don't have any advice but will offer *hugs*

MellyMel15

I don't have any advice either since I have no experience to draw from, but wish you all the best. 

jbasore1123

@buggirl72- with the genetic siblings, it would be more regarding that woman's children down the line. If I were a child of an adopted egg or embryo, I think I would want to know about my family and get to know any siblings or half-siblings that I had. With egg donation, since it's anonymous, even though we get get 2 kids from that batch of eggs, they would never know fully about their background, never have a chance to meet the genetic mother or siblings they may have somewhere in the world. And ya, but embryo donation we get to decide how many we want.. it just depends.. they have donors that have 1 or 2 and some that have 10+

ellebelle2384

I don't have much to add because I think you have a really comprehensive list.  I know it's such a tough decision.  I hope you and your H can figure out the path you want to go down soon. (hugs)

rmpar29

Oh honey, I'm sorry that you and DH are struggling on making a decision.  Reading through your list I can see why you are overwhelmed.  When I think of what would be important to me three key points come to mind:

1.  MH's bio child.  I think faced with this decision, MH would rather have the opportunity to be the bio-dad.  I certainly can't speak for YH and I wish he would really give you his thoughts on this, but I know MH would want to go this route if at all possible. 
2.  Knowing the bio parents.  I think this is a good avenue to have open, but certainly not a requirement.  My cousins are both adopted and neither of them have any desire to know or meet their bio parents.  Of course, I can't speak for any of your children, so I think it's wonderful that you are considering this, but I wouldn't make my decision based on this.
3.  Cost.  If I was able to swing either option, with the idea that I might need a few tries at it, then I would probably choose donor eggs.  If I wasn't able to handle a few rounds of this (and MH was OK with it) I might choose the donor embryo road. 

Those are just what I would consider if I was faced with this decision.  I hope that you and YH can come to an agreement about which road you'd like to take.  Good luck dear and I'm sending you so many (((((HUGS)))) and lots of love!

Km380

I'm so sorry you are facing this. I have no advice or any words of wisdom here. But I want you to know you and YH are in my thoughts as you deal with this. (((Hugs)))

MrsPhD83

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I have no personal experience and no insight, but wanted to just offer huge ((hugs)).

eliida

No advice, just hugs. Wishing you peace during this difficult decision.