WWJ14 do - MIL related

bensmommy518

So DD's birthday is coming up next week.  We are having a combined birthday party on that weekend with my nephew (my brothers son) who was born a week after DD and all family is invited (mine and my brothers, DH's family and SIL's family).  MIL announced the other day that she wants to give DD her birthday present and have a "little celebration" for her at her house on the Friday before her party.  We usually have dinner with MIL every Friday night so we would be there anyway.  I told her this morning that I dont know if I will be there that specific Friday night because it is the Friday before the party and also the day SIL is coming into town and we have a lot of cleaning, set up and prep to do for the party the next day (the party is being held at my mom house) and I have to work until 4pm that day so it doesn't give me a lot of time to help with everything we have to do.  Her response was "well that's okay if you are not there, as long as the birthday girl is there we can still do our little party without you".

This really rubbed me the wrong way.  I dont understand why MIL cant celebrate her birthday on the day of the party like everyone else and I dont think it is fair that she has a party for her when I have told her I wont be there.  I mean it is her FIRST BIRTHDAY! This would be the first time she eats cake and has all the birthday hoopla.  I dont make a big deal out of other birthdays but the first one is special to me.  I shouldn't be surprised becasue she does things like this all the time (e.g. at Christmas we have both sets of parents to our house on Christmas morning to open presents becasue it is important to DH and I that the kids have Christmas in their own home.  She comes but then leaves her presents at her house and tells us to come there later to open presents at her house too.)  

Am I wrong to be annoyed by this?  Should I put my foot down and not let her have the party, or keep DD with me instead of at her house? Should I suck it up and let it happen without me there? Or should I try to go and then just be up all night with the rest of the stuff I have to do for the party? 

Short version: MIL is being annoying and wants to have her own party for DD the day before the party I have planned and it will be very inconvenient for me to attend and MIL says who cares if I am there. 

Disneygeek77

Well honestly, I wouldn't have a combined party if all of the guests aren't close to the ones being honored.  It probably puts your MIL in an uncomfortable position where she feels like she has to get a gift for your brother's kid too.  So I can see where she is coming from.  

I'm wouldn't let her have a party on the friday before, especially if you won't be there, but I also wouldn't hold it against her for not wanting to come to the combined party either.  

FWIW, my sister wants us to combine everything with her ILs.  I understand birthday parties but I really don't want to spend all of my holidays with her ILs either.  I'm not close to them, they are just my sister ILs.  

NenaMarie84

I'd be annoyed too. Can you explain to her you just want the one party (the one you are planning) and since it's her first you want to make that one special? Tell her it's just bad timing and inconvenient for you that day. Or Is it possible to offer to go Sunday or some other day after your party? That way she gets a "party" too but you get to have all the firsts at yours!

TheGreatBeyond

Not really sure I have any good advice but wanted to let you know I would not be ok with it either. It is your kids birthday celebration and you should be there, especially for the first one.

Could you just tell your MIL that it is important to you to be part of any and all birthday celebrations for your DD so you would appreciate she hold off on her celebration until you can attend?

bensmommy518

Disneygeek77 said:

Well honestly, I wouldn't have a combined party if all of the guests aren't close to the ones being honored.  It probably puts your MIL in an uncomfortable position where she feels like she has to get a gift for your brother's kid too.  So I can see where she is coming from.  

 

I see what you are saying here but I just dont think it is the case in this example.  She IS planning to come to the party I have planned and is in fact bringing the cake, so its not like she has something against that party.

She may feel uncomfortable about the present situation but I can talk to her about that because she does not have to bring something for my nephew. 

I really just feel (from her past behavior) that is is just about wanting to do things her way and have things AT HER house.  That has been an issue with us for many years, first with Halloween, then thanksgiving, and new years, and christmas, etc.  When her kids were growing up all the parties and celebrations for the kids and family members were always at her house.  Now that her kids are grown and moved out she struggles with the fact that they have their own homes and want to do things in them.  The first year we were living in our own home she threw a fit about my husband wanting to hand out Halloween candy at our house instead of going back to her house and doing it there. 

bensmommy518

Thanks for everyone replies.  I just needed a reality check to make sure I am not overreacting.  I think I will ask DH to speak to her about not wanting to do a party when I am not there. if they want us over the next day for dinner I will be happy to do it then or another night earlier in the week.