Just need to vent...

mamadeux19

I'm having a really shitty day and I have absolutely no one to vent to. My husband and I got married last November because we were "in love" and wanted to have a baby. We have very Christian families and wanted to do it the "right way". Well we miscarried in December (I was pregnant at our wedding) and he has been extremely unsupportive. He doesn't understand why I'm so emotional about things. I feel like I can't rely on him and he's been a complete ass. Anyways, we decided to TTC right away. Today, he told me that he wants to wait. I'm so hurt and frustrated! I feel like we rushed into a marriage and I'm dealing with this miscarriage for nothing.

Sorry for the novel...

Kalidawn523

I'm so sorry. That's really frustrating. And I'm really sorry you feel like you rushed into something you may be feeling stuck in. My suggestion would be to try to open the lines of communication. Have a sit down and try to express your feelings honestly and ask him to do the same. It may not work, but it might be worth a shot. Communication is hugely important and sometimes it's the miscommunications in a marriage that leads to fights and problems and hurt feelings.

I hope things get better for you. I'm sorry for your loss. It's hard to go through that, let alone when you feel alone going through it. (((Hugs)))

Nikolie93

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated.

This is a very hard and emotional time and it can be harder on a newly married couple. I'm with Kalidawn when she says it's important to talk about things. Some people handle grief differently. Is YH someone who is typically nonchalant about stresses in his life?

I think you really need to sit down and talk to him. It may not be easy but you're going through enough without having issues with him.

*hug*

craftykix

Hello, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry that your DH isn't being supportive in the way that you need.

I agree with @Kalidawn523 that communication always helps. Did you have a chance to do any pre-marital counseling? It sounds like not since you used the word "rush". Maybe some type of couples counseling would be helpful? MC is difficult enough, I can't imagine beginning my marriage that way. (hugs)

MellyMel15

I'm so sorry that you're struggling. I also agree that PPs have given some really good advice and perhaps counseling may be worth looking into. 

I think some guys just don't understand what a hard and emotional thing miscarriage is. It's not happening to them physically and they may not understand the way that we connect and feel like a mother as soon as we learn we're pregnant. My husband has been sympathetic and supportive, but he's been over the loss for a long time now, while it's still difficult for me (some days are better than others). 

Sending you hugs. You're not alone. Hang in there. 

dandb925

Just wanted to offer you ((hugs)). PP's have offered some great advice. Open communication and counseling can really help.

lcwed

I think you got some great advice.  I agree with the counseling and communication.  Maybe there is a reason for his sudden change.  Many towns and even churches offer counseling that is Christian based if you guys would be comfortable with that.  I'm sorry you are going through a miscarriage during what is usually considered the honeymoon period.  I also agree that men handle things differently.  I know DH is heartbroken, but he doesn't talk about it much.  He didn't understand why I teared up seeing a FB pregnancy announcement from someone due the same month I was.  I have to look for the non verbal support he gives.  Doing chores I normally take care of, getting take out so I don't have to cook, holding me, and such are what I get.

CC1017

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time right now. Typically men and women grieve very differently and it can be very isolating. Men often can't connect with a pregnancy the way a mother does and they can't always grasp the emotional aspects of our grief. Counseling can be very helpful, whether you go alone or as a couple. My therapist helped me to realize that I need to do a better job of telling my husband what I need from him because I can't just expect him to figure it out. She also told me to reinforce positive behaviors and ignore bad behaviors. If you feel like you rushed into the marriage, it probably is best to work on your relationship and communication before trying again for a baby. You might find out that your DH is just scared of MC again, but you need to talk it out.

LittleDucky

I'm sorry that you are in a difficult place right now and that your husband is not being supportive.  I'm sure questioning whether you rushed into marriage is only making it harder to cope with your loss.  I would echo the comments of the above posters who suggested considering counseling.  It could be a great way to set a good foundation for communication throughout your marriage.

meredithcarole

I am very sorry you're not getting the support you need from your husband. Others have made excellent observations and suggestions. In the meantime, we are here and we get it.

mrswheelo

I'm so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I can somewhat relate. My husband and I had only been married 6 months when we lost our twins at 21 weeks. I read that close to 50% of marriages end after a loss. (Not sure how accurate that is) The difference with us is, it made us closer. We talk alot. In the beginning, I felt that he wasn't as upset as me, bc he didn't want to talk much and bc he wanted to go back to work and get back to "normal". All the while, I was on the couch eating deluxe chocolate moose tracks by the gallon and crying all day. I eventually asked him why he wasn't as sad as me. That's when we really got to talking. He told me that he was crushed. That he was afraid to try again bc of how hurt he felt losing the babies and at how sad it made me. Now we are on the same page. And able to support eachother better.

I read your post to him. He reminded me that he was grieving that way too at one point. And that the way men grieve can be mistaken for (excuse the term) being an asshole. When really they are fighting thier own silent battles. My advice would be to be patient with him. You will likely grieve in different ways/stages than eachother. The important thing is to understand that it happened to him too and talk to him so you can understand why he feels that way.

Also, I'm no counselor, but it sounds to me that you should probably look for a grief counselor &/or marriage counselor for both of you. If you feel that you want out of the marriage if he decides against children or that you only married him so you could have babies right away, then that is definitely working against your recovery. You two need eachother more than ever right now. As others have said, you may have luck reaching out to your church for help since you are active in the church.
I hope you two are able to get through this together. I'm new to this group, but I can say that you will always find support and understanding here! ((Hugs))

Ltlbandito

I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time. Lots of good advice from PPs. ((Hugs))

mamadeux19

You are all so amazing! I do love my husband and I still want to be married even if he wants to wait. He just has the WORST delivery sometimes. We did have some premarital counseling and took classes at our church. I wanted to start classes again, but he started working with the railroad and has a crazy schedule. I agree with you all though. Counseling would be beneficial for us. I think it's just a lot at one time and we deal with things differently. I'm a very emotional person and he's the total opposite and I'm sure I get on his nerves with it. I think we're going to start taking some online counseling courses. Whatever works, I'm willing to try.

mamadeux19

Thank you so much @mrswheelo‌ for giving me your hubby's point of view. I think he's afraid to be vulnerable. He got sad looking at a cute baby boy that was playing next to us at church on Sunday and that's the first time he's showed any emotion about the loss.

mamadeux19

tkford216 said:

Sorry things are so shitty at the moment. I think sometimes men just handle grief differently. As a guy he probably didn't even realize things like this were a possibility, so maybe it just shocked his system? I agree with the others, talk it out. 

Going along the question of pre-marital counseling, the church that my husband and I got married in required it, and while I groaned about it, it was actually kind of neat, very helpful. The program was called Prepare & Enrich: Building Strong Marriages. www.prepare-enrich.com. It would still apply if you're already married. One of its major focuses is communication.

Again, sorry you're having to go through this on top of the loss. Hang in there. 

I'm going to look at that site. Thank you!

kreardon11

I am so sorry you're feeling this way. DH and I see separate therapists and it helps a LOT for us. We're able to make sense of our emotions individually and then come together for productive conversations. I hope things get better soon

TowerClimbersWife

I have a book suggestion for you and your husband to read. It is called the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. I am a marriage and family therapist and I recommend each of my couples read this book. You can get it pretty cheap on amazon, or probably at a local used book store. It has some great tips and helps bring awareness to how we can better support our spouses and how we can make subtle shifts in our interactions that will create closeness. Give it a try!!

Going through a loss is tough, but I think it can help make a relationship stronger if both parties try to understand one another on a deeper level. It might take your husband a little while to get there, but I think you can both do it!

scrang74

Yup, I was in this boat after our first loss while newly engaged (in fact, he proposed the same day we found out we were pregnant, our 2nd anniversary!!). We had some bumps, but got through them by talking, talking, and talking. Fast forward to 5 months after our wedding and we had our 2nd loss and heading to an RE. A lot to deal with but I feel our relationship is stronger than ever. So sorry for your loss and good luck with the counseling.

mamadeux19

@TowerClimbersWife‌ thank you so much for the book suggestion. I'm going to buy it on Amazon tonight.

@scrang74‌ talking would definitely help us. We used to have great communication, but now he just shuts down and gets angry. I think he's masking his emotions. Also, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm glad this has made your marriage stronger though.