Hoping to heal, trying to deal- Intro — The Bump
Late Term and Child Loss

Hoping to heal, trying to deal- Intro

mrswheelomrswheelo member
100 Love Its 10 Comments Photogenic Name Dropper
edited January 2015 in Late Term and Child Loss
Hello ladies! My name is Kayla and I've been a "lurker" on this board (and a few others) for a little over a month now. I've been studying the etiquette and hope I'm getting it right.

My husband and I had the perfect relationship/life. The kind that makes some ppl want to throw up after seeing our Facebook updates. (I'm sorry). Anyway, I am 27, he is 23. I never wanted children until I met him. We decided to start ttc after our wedding in June. We were pregnant the next month! Everything was wonderful. An us at 8 weeks revealed that we were expecting TWINS! And I couldn't have been happier. We waited until we were 16 weeks to announce that we had 2 beans instead of 1 bc I thought that was the "safe zone".
I did everything right. From diet, exercise, reading, prenatal visits every 2 weeks. We never had a single complication, until we did...
We were the happiest couple on the planet when we found out that we were having a boy and a girl. I had known since we were 6 weeks along that we had b/g twins. I just KNEW. We named them Lane Edward and Lydia Ann. We had maternity pics done, (I'm glad we did them early now), just painted the nursery, had every baby thing we needed and were just a few weeks away from the baby shower, when it happened.
On a completely normal day, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. Deep breaths. We remained calm. Called ahead to the ER and went straight to L&D for evaluation. I was stable, babies were stable, not dilated. There was no explanation for the bleeding or any abnormalities with the babies, so I was released after 24 hrs of fluids and observation. My bleeding was considered spotting to them and not anything to be worried about, but I knew in that moment something was wrong, that we would not be bringing our babies home like we had planned.
6 hrs later, I was back in the hospital after starting to have consistant contractions that seemed to be getting stronger over 2 hrs. In that time, I was fully dilated and was told to prepare for delivery. I couldn't believe we were out of options. How can there be NOTHING they can do!? But my babies were only 21 weeks. And not viable. They told me I would deliver shortly and encouraged me to take medication to help "speed the process". I said NO. Babies were still doing fine, so I decided, much against the wishes of my husband and doctors, to hold on to our twins until they WERE viable, which would be 1 WEEK! I thought i could give them a chance. But, 24 hrs later I developed a fever, infection, & anemia from having exposed membranes.

My water broke on its own soon after and I delivered Lydia Ann at 10:30pm 11/24/14. She was the most perfect creature I had ever seen! She had my long fingers and toes. My chin and nose . Her daddy's ears. She was so perfect. So tiny. We held her through her first and last breath. She was gone as quickly as she arrived. Her brother Lane Edward came at 2:30 am 11/25/14. He never took a breath. My sweet, perfect little boy looked exactly like his father!
My husband and I decided we wanted to be alone at the hospital so we could spend as much time as possible processing what happened. We were/are broken. What a strange feeling. To be so in love and happy to see the children you've been eagerly awaiting. But so saddened by their loss at the same time.
I feel so proud to be thier mother. But it is hard processing the fact that I am a "childless" mother.
I knew right away that we would try again. But I often feel as though a new child would be replacing the 2 we lost. As we did not plan to have more children after the twins. So at times, I feel guilty for wanting to be pregnant again. We have pictures of Lane and Lydia around the house and plan to raise any future children (if they ever come) with the knowledge of having an older brother and sister.
I am just stuck on that one question... WHY? Why did this happen for no explained reason? Why did it happen to babies that were loved and wanted? Why do women on drugs get to have babies? Why do women who use their babies as a monthly check have no complications? ??
I'm sorry for the length. This is still fresh and I feel different every day. Thanks for reading.

Re: Hoping to heal, trying to deal- Intro

  • I am so sorry for the loss of your children Lydia Ann and Lane Edward - such great names! The "whys" you have are all normal. Be patient and kind with yourself - loosing a child is such a roller coaster of emotions. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
  • Thank you for the welcome! @msunshine123‌
    msunshine123
  • I'm so sorry for your losses. Your children have beautiful names. It's normal to have all the "whys." I ask myself those questions from time to time. My loss was also very sudden. One day everything is fine and the next you're in the ER. At 22 weeks the doctors told me my son was not viable.  They said maybe 24 weeks. You cling onto the hope that the doctors are wrong. 

    I hope you find the support and healing this Board has provided me.
    TTC since August 2013 BFP #1 1/15/14...MMC 2/24/14...D&C 3/3/14 BFP #2 5/11/14 ... severe pre-e placental abruption our angel born sleeping at 22 weeks Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • **TICKER WARNING**

     

     

     

    I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet babies Lane and Lydia. Sending T&Ps your guys way. We are all here for you when ever you need.  I still ask the same questions that you are asking.

    Brooke Elizabeth born Feb 17, 2013 grew wings May 9, 2013 @ 11 weeks & 4 days old from SIDS

     

     

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

     

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  • I'm so very sorry for your loss of Lane and Lydia. Please lean on us whenever and however you need.  We're here for you.  I wish I could tell you that with time things make more sense but for me, they don't.  It still feels surreal that this is my life and that I lost my daughter without reason.
    November 2010 - 10.5 week loss  o:) 
    October 2011 - DS (7)  <3 
    July 2014 - Stillborn DD (24 weeks)  o:) 
    August 2015 - DD (3)  <3 
    April 2018 - 5 week loss o:) 

  • @mrswheelo‌ I'm so sorry to have to welcome you here. I too was pregnant with b/g twins and thought our lives couldn't be more perfect... Until it wasn't. I am 20 months out from losing our daughter and the "whys" still get me all the time! It will get easier but it will never be easy. Be kind to yourself and do whatever it is you need to do to get through the days. Please use this site as much as you need to.
    mrswheelo
  • I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious twins Lane and Lydia.  The questions that you are asking are so normal and I still ask them.  I find comfort in that I know that my daughter's life had meaning and that our love is everlasting.  We are here for whatever you need.  I hope that you find support in this board the way that I have, and I will be praying for you and your family.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
                                        motheringcarolinegrace.wordpress.com

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    mrswheelo
  • Thank you Ladies. It helps to know I'm not alone, but makes me sad at the same time. I'm so glad I found this board.
    msunshine123
  • ***sig warning***

    I'm very sorry for your losses, welcome to the board

    Me 32 (Stage IV Endometriosis, short luteal phase) DH 38

    Married 5/2010

    January 2014- DS born healthy at 35.4 weeks

    February 2014- DS passed away due to complications from adenovirus

    February 2015- Rainbow baby DD born at 36.3 weeks

    My chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/42fd32 

     


  • **ticker warning**

    I am so sorry for the loss of your twins.  I love their names.  I also lost twins - their first birthday is coming up.  I went into labor at 22.5 weeks with an infection and there was nothing we could do to save them.  I know how hard it is to lose not one, but two babies at the same time.  I hope that you can find some peace in knowing that they are not alone - they are together.  Please PM me if you ever need anything.  Sending love and hugs. 
  • I am so sorry for your loss of Lane and Lydia. No one wants to join this group, and I am sorry you find yourself here. Know that we are here whenever you need us.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic


    Me: 32 DH: 33  High School Sweethearts  Married 5/28/2005
    DS1 born 6/5/10 at 40 weeks via emergency c-section due to fetal distress and IUGR caused by placental insufficiency
    DS2 born still 8/28/13 at 32 weeks via emergency c-section due to a complete placental abruption - cause unknown
    Baby #3 on the way, EDD 2/29/16.  Originally twins, but we said goodbye to Baby B at 8 weeks.
  • I am so so sorry for your losses. Please use this board whenever you need support.
  • I am so sorry for the loss of your twins. Such beautiful names! Even though all of our stories are different - we all still struggle with the "why". Why did this happen? Why us? Why our innocent babies? Unfortunately, we will never have a good answer to that question. I have found great support from this group (one that I wish I would have found earlier after my loss). I am currently TTCAL and that can be a roller coaster as well. Know that no one will ever replace your angels. Sending hugs!
    Married my rock - April 29, 2011
    BFP - June 4, 2011 EDD February 3, 2012
    Super T born @ 37 weeks - January 13, 2012
    Super T diagnosed with stage IV high risk Neuroblastoma nmyc-amp - January 2, 2013
    Super T cancer free - June 19, 2013
    Super T relapsed - January 2, 2014
    Super T earned his angel wings - January 3, 2014
     
    TTC for #2 beginning November 2014
    BFP #2 - Chemical Pregnancy - Confirmed May 29, 2015
    Diagnosed with PCOS; HSG - Clear; SA - Clear
    Clomid #1 - BFN
    Femera Cycle #2 - BFN
    Femera Cycle #3 - BFP 11/10/15 - EDD 07/14/16
     
     
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    mrswheelo
  • I'm sorry for the loss of your twins. I hope you find this board helpful. I know I do.
    Abigail Grace 9/7/10
    Nathaniel Willis born sleeping 2/6/14
    Felicity Hope 4/6/15

  • I'm so sorry you lost Lane and Lydia. I hope you can find some strength and peace on this board. 

    As for the fairness question...that's something I still struggle with sometimes. All I can do is try to accept that it's not fair and not focus on it. Sometimes I success, sometimes I'm angry as hell. Please just be kind to yourself and let yourself be angry if you need to be angry and cry when you need to cry. 
    mrswheelo
  • *siggy warning


    I am so sorry for the loss of your son and daughter, Lane and Lydia. The emotions you are experiencing are normal. Take it one moment at a time, and be gentle with yourself. We are here if you need us ((hugs))

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic   image image

        My Blog

    Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
      

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
    BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
    Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013

    BFP # 2 8/7/14 EDD 4/22/15
    Please be our ra
    inbow!!

    **All AL Welcome**

  • Thank you for all of the hugs and reassurance. I am sorry we all have a need for this board, but happy to have all of you for support! And @ikrystal‌ , I appreciate that!
  • I'm sorry as well for the loss of your twins. 

    We lost our twin daughters at 21 weeks as well - - and our experience was fairly similar to yours in terms of what happened.    There is increasing research out there on the infections (often chorioamnionitis), preterm prelabour rupture of membranes, and preterm labour in twin pregnancies.  Like you - our daughters were healthy and perfect until their birth, but they were born just a few weeks too soon to be saved.   This is a horrible knowledge to live with, and something I struggle with every day still, now we are 6 1/2 months post our loss.   

    Please post as often as needed.   This board is quiet, but people are here an reply reliably.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    queer couple - 32 (me) & 33 (my love) years old - donor sperm,

    Our IF/TTC journey since Nov 2012.

    Me: dx of DOR in Nov. 2012. Low AMH, AFC - 6, Normal FSH, SS-A (RO) Antibodies (Autoimmune issues), tubes clear, Sono (November 2013) NORMAL! <p>

    7 IUI's - December 2012-September 2013.  Medicated, Injected, Triggered.... all BFN.

    My Love:  (the amazing @Healz413)
    Normal AMH & FSH, AFC ~27, blocked tube dx'd via HSG in 2012.   Hydrosalpinx & ovarian cyst dx'd in May 2013.
    dx of Stage IV Endo & bilateral salpinectomy in June 2013.  

    image

    Partner IVF#1a- December 2013 - H's eggs, my Ute - CANCELLED due to low response
    Partner IVF #1b - February 2014 - H's eggs, my Ute - ER February 4 (10 retrieved, 3 fertilized), Transfer Feb 7 of one Grade 1 and one Grade 2 day 3 embryos.  1 - Day 3, Grade 1 frosty saved.   BFP - 6dp3dt via FRER, Beta #1 - 110, Beta #2 175, Beta #3 - 348, Beta #4 - 2222!, Beta #5 - 4255.  Ultrasound (6w1d) - 2 heartbearts!  

    We lost our beautiful Twin baby girls on June 18, 2014.  Tavin Sara and Casey Elizabeth were born at 21 weeks gestation and were absolutely beautiful, precious, amazing babies.  We miss our daughters every day and love them with all our hearts.

    image

  • I'm so sorry for your losses. I am nine months out and still ask why. It's totally normal. Be kind to yourself as you find your new normal.
    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
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  • @Manada‌ , I'm so sorry. Having twins was so special to us. Losing them was so hard. As it is with every baby born too soon. What were your girls' names?
  • I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful twins Lydia and Lane. I too struggle so much with all of the whys and the unfairness. 
  • I'm so sorry for your loss and we are all here for you. I lost my son on 11/19 due to infection in the placenta, I was also already in labor going to the er. At only 20 weeks they told me there was no way to save him. It has gotten easier I have good days with a positive attitude and then most of my days I'm angry and sad, guilty ashamed. Just like a lot of these women are saying all the emotions and questioning Ur going through is completely normal! Take care of yourself, cry wen u need to and never feel bad for the way you feel.
    I would also recommend being completely open with ur husband, wen u need a hug or feel sad tell him it certainly has made the experience a little easier knowing I have my boyfriend to understand wat I'm feeling wen I don't even understand it myself! I also bought an iBook called pregnancy loss by Zoe Taylor I highly recommend it.
    mrswheelo
  • I am so sorry for your losses! I hope you can find some comfort here.

    mrswheelo
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