Hello ladies! My name is Kayla and I've been a "lurker" on this board (and a few others) for a little over a month now. I've been studying the etiquette and hope I'm getting it right.
My husband and I had the perfect relationship/life. The kind that makes some ppl want to throw up after seeing our Facebook updates. (I'm sorry). Anyway, I am 27, he is 23. I never wanted children until I met him. We decided to start ttc after our wedding in June. We were pregnant the next month! Everything was wonderful. An us at 8 weeks revealed that we were expecting TWINS! And I couldn't have been happier. We waited until we were 16 weeks to announce that we had 2 beans instead of 1 bc I thought that was the "safe zone".
I did everything right. From diet, exercise, reading, prenatal visits every 2 weeks. We never had a single complication, until we did...
We were the happiest couple on the planet when we found out that we were having a boy and a girl. I had known since we were 6 weeks along that we had b/g twins. I just KNEW. We named them Lane Edward and Lydia Ann. We had maternity pics done, (I'm glad we did them early now), just painted the nursery, had every baby thing we needed and were just a few weeks away from the baby shower, when it happened.
On a completely normal day, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding. Deep breaths. We remained calm. Called ahead to the ER and went straight to L&D for evaluation. I was stable, babies were stable, not dilated. There was no explanation for the bleeding or any abnormalities with the babies, so I was released after 24 hrs of fluids and observation. My bleeding was considered spotting to them and not anything to be worried about, but I knew in that moment something was wrong, that we would not be bringing our babies home like we had planned.
6 hrs later, I was back in the hospital after starting to have consistant contractions that seemed to be getting stronger over 2 hrs. In that time, I was fully dilated and was told to prepare for delivery. I couldn't believe we were out of options. How can there be NOTHING they can do!? But my babies were only 21 weeks. And not viable. They told me I would deliver shortly and encouraged me to take medication to help "speed the process". I said NO. Babies were still doing fine, so I decided, much against the wishes of my husband and doctors, to hold on to our twins until they WERE viable, which would be 1 WEEK! I thought i could give them a chance. But, 24 hrs later I developed a fever, infection, & anemia from having exposed membranes.
My water broke on its own soon after and I delivered Lydia Ann at 10:30pm 11/24/14. She was the most perfect creature I had ever seen! She had my long fingers and toes. My chin and nose . Her daddy's ears. She was so perfect. So tiny. We held her through her first and last breath. She was gone as quickly as she arrived. Her brother Lane Edward came at 2:30 am 11/25/14. He never took a breath. My sweet, perfect little boy looked exactly like his father!
My husband and I decided we wanted to be alone at the hospital so we could spend as much time as possible processing what happened. We were/are broken. What a strange feeling. To be so in love and happy to see the children you've been eagerly awaiting. But so saddened by their loss at the same time.
I feel so proud to be thier mother. But it is hard processing the fact that I am a "childless" mother.
I knew right away that we would try again. But I often feel as though a new child would be replacing the 2 we lost. As we did not plan to have more children after the twins. So at times, I feel guilty for wanting to be pregnant again. We have pictures of Lane and Lydia around the house and plan to raise any future children (if they ever come) with the knowledge of having an older brother and sister.
I am just stuck on that one question... WHY? Why did this happen for no explained reason? Why did it happen to babies that were loved and wanted? Why do women on drugs get to have babies? Why do women who use their babies as a monthly check have no complications? ??
I'm sorry for the length. This is still fresh and I feel different every day. Thanks for reading.