Getting BFP's in check-ins PSA

rslh10

Just a reminder that it is polite to PM your check in leader if you're fortunate enough to get a BFP.  I cannot tell you how many times this DOESN'T happen for me in the Newbie check-in and I cannot speak for the other leaders but I'm assuming it happens. When I go to make the check in the following week, or lurk PgAL, only to find that one or multiple people have moved on, It's frustrating. Bottom line-- It's just plain rude to not let your leader know. 

Thank you all for understanding!  :-bd

ETA- gif problems

Frenchteachermama

Check-in leaders put in so much effort to run their check-ins, it's common courtesy to let them know! @rslh10‌ ((hugs))

renegadewhit

Thanks for the PSA! It's a great reminder, especially for any newbies unfamiliar with the protocol. 

rslh10

LDubHawksFan said:

Thanks for the PSA. To tag on, it's standard protocol to not announce BFPs in any of the checkins, right? I'm just asking because I was blindsided by one this weekend and I thought that was well known not to do. It was a bummer not to want to reply to another poster because I didn't want to keep bumping it up.

WOAH! like someone went in there and announced their OWN bfp? The standard is that you PM your check in leader so she can properly warn at the top of the thread that there is a BFP and to avoid if you're having a bad day....

I am so sorry you had to see that. That's just crappy. 

negritosmami

@LDubHawksFan‌ I was going to post the sammmmme thing for the same reason!!thank you for saying that..one would think that if you are active enough to KNOW about specific check ins then you would know NOT to post a bfp but I guess not...so a mass reminder is always great!!

rmpar29

Thanks for the PSA!  It's so hard as a check-in leader to be blindsided by a BFP. I found one by stalking FF one time.  Sigh...

ellebelle2384

Thanks for the PSA!

NOBB14

Thanks for protecting us, @rslh10‌ !

peregrinefalconx

Not that I am in this position, but is it standard practice to not respond to others' posts if you do have a BFP? Or you just shouldn't ask questions?  The latter obviously makes sense, but I wouldn't want somebody to not be able to offer another support here or provide answers to questions that may be helpful/provide experience. Since the majority of the responders to this post are very active (and there have been hundreds of views of the post), it may make sense to clarify this as well.

99% of the people on here, with the exceptions of the bizarre crazies, don't want to hurt others or do anything that is against the etiquette of the board. Thanks!

TheAerialist

ktlovess said:

peregrinefalconx said:

Not that I am in this position, but is it standard practice to not respond to others' posts if you do have a BFP? Or you just shouldn't ask questions?  The latter obviously makes sense, but I wouldn't want somebody to not be able to offer another support here or provide answers to questions that may be helpful/provide experience. Since the majority of the responders to this post are very active (and there have been hundreds of views of the post), it may make sense to clarify this as well.

99% of the people on here, with the exceptions of the bizarre crazies, don't want to hurt others or do anything that is against the etiquette of the board. Thanks!

Further to what @Greeneyes842 said, you should probably wait a bit before you start commenting on TTCAL posts..... and it's not appropriate to excessively comment, either.

The big thing is that if you know you have a BFP, just don't post, even if you haven't told TTCAL or intro'd on PgAL yet. It's always a huge punch to the gut when you see someone continually comment, like on their check in or the main board, only to go over to PgAL to see that the BFP happened during the commenting period.

People graduate. We get that. It's just not nice to have it rubbed in our faces.

I totally agree that anyone who has a siggy should not post here, it's just better for all.  But asking for people to not post support or advice, even if they haven't yet introed on PgAL or put up a siggy seems like closing an unnecessary door.  

Plus, why spend the time making connections on exactly who posted when and if they were pregnant or not when they posted it? If someone offered a piece of useful advice, I don't really have any interest in knowing what the exact state of their uterus is at the moment they posted it.

buggirl72

McSarah1104 said:

ktlovess said:

peregrinefalconx said:

Not that I am in this position, but is it standard practice to not respond to others' posts if you do have a BFP? Or you just shouldn't ask questions?  The latter obviously makes sense, but I wouldn't want somebody to not be able to offer another support here or provide answers to questions that may be helpful/provide experience. Since the majority of the responders to this post are very active (and there have been hundreds of views of the post), it may make sense to clarify this as well.

99% of the people on here, with the exceptions of the bizarre crazies, don't want to hurt others or do anything that is against the etiquette of the board. Thanks!

Further to what @Greeneyes842 said, you should probably wait a bit before you start commenting on TTCAL posts..... and it's not appropriate to excessively comment, either.

The big thing is that if you know you have a BFP, just don't post, even if you haven't told TTCAL or intro'd on PgAL yet. It's always a huge punch to the gut when you see someone continually comment, like on their check in or the main board, only to go over to PgAL to see that the BFP happened during the commenting period.

People graduate. We get that. It's just not nice to have it rubbed in our faces.

I totally agree that anyone who has a siggy should not post here, it's just better for all.  But asking for people to not post support or advice, even if they haven't yet introed on PgAL or put up a siggy seems like closing an unnecessary door.  

Plus, why spend the time making connections on exactly who posted when and if they were pregnant or not when they posted it? If someone offered a piece of useful advice, I don't really have any interest in knowing what the exact state of their uterus is at the moment they posted it.

@McSarah1104 - if you were an active member of this board you would not even ask the above question because you would get it.

It's hurtful to the women of this board and that response should be enough.

You have already told us you don't want anything to do with this board because you don't like our etiquette so why do you persist on responding negatively to posts that explain why we do things the way we do?

TheAerialist

buggirl72 said:

ktlovess said:

peregrinefalconx said:

Not that I am in this position, but is it standard practice to not respond to others' posts if you do have a BFP? Or you just shouldn't ask questions?  The latter obviously makes sense, but I wouldn't want somebody to not be able to offer another support here or provide answers to questions that may be helpful/provide experience. Since the majority of the responders to this post are very active (and there have been hundreds of views of the post), it may make sense to clarify this as well.

99% of the people on here, with the exceptions of the bizarre crazies, don't want to hurt others or do anything that is against the etiquette of the board. Thanks!

Further to what @Greeneyes842 said, you should probably wait a bit before you start commenting on TTCAL posts..... and it's not appropriate to excessively comment, either.

The big thing is that if you know you have a BFP, just don't post, even if you haven't told TTCAL or intro'd on PgAL yet. It's always a huge punch to the gut when you see someone continually comment, like on their check in or the main board, only to go over to PgAL to see that the BFP happened during the commenting period.

People graduate. We get that. It's just not nice to have it rubbed in our faces.

I totally agree that anyone who has a siggy should not post here, it's just better for all.  But asking for people to not post support or advice, even if they haven't yet introed on PgAL or put up a siggy seems like closing an unnecessary door.  

Plus, why spend the time making connections on exactly who posted when and if they were pregnant or not when they posted it? If someone offered a piece of useful advice, I don't really have any interest in knowing what the exact state of their uterus is at the moment they posted it.

@McSarah1104 - if you were an active member of this board you would not even ask the above question because you would get it. It's hurtful to the women of this board and that response should be enough. You have already told us you don't want anything to do with this board because you don't like our etiquette so why do you persist on responding negatively to posts that explain why we do things the way we do?

Actually I have been an active member on this board, I answer questions and give advice when I have pertinent experience. I try to stay away from the parts of this board that I don't care for, so you won't find me in certain threads, but when women ask a question that I have an answer to, I answer it (which IMHO is the point of an online message board). 

Back on this topic, I just don't see a reason to create your own hurt out of literally nothing.  The best way to not know who is pregnant or who is not (siggys obviously excepted, as noted) is to stay away from PgAL, not to try to police people from the other side.

ETA @ktloveless:

it is not 'causing controversy' to disagree with your personal opinion.  This is the wonderful thing about this being a public board.  I can have a different opinion to yours and that is ok.

buggirl72

@PetraStonegirl could you please step in and respond to McSarah's reply to me?

I'm at work and just don't have the time to give it the response it deserves.

TheAerialist

ktlovess said:

McSarah1104 said:

buggirl72 said:

ktlovess said:

peregrinefalconx said:

Not that I am in this position, but is it standard practice to not respond to others' posts if you do have a BFP? Or you just shouldn't ask questions?  The latter obviously makes sense, but I wouldn't want somebody to not be able to offer another support here or provide answers to questions that may be helpful/provide experience. Since the majority of the responders to this post are very active (and there have been hundreds of views of the post), it may make sense to clarify this as well.

99% of the people on here, with the exceptions of the bizarre crazies, don't want to hurt others or do anything that is against the etiquette of the board. Thanks!

Further to what @Greeneyes842 said, you should probably wait a bit before you start commenting on TTCAL posts..... and it's not appropriate to excessively comment, either.

The big thing is that if you know you have a BFP, just don't post, even if you haven't told TTCAL or intro'd on PgAL yet. It's always a huge punch to the gut when you see someone continually comment, like on their check in or the main board, only to go over to PgAL to see that the BFP happened during the commenting period.

People graduate. We get that. It's just not nice to have it rubbed in our faces.

I totally agree that anyone who has a siggy should not post here, it's just better for all.  But asking for people to not post support or advice, even if they haven't yet introed on PgAL or put up a siggy seems like closing an unnecessary door.  

Plus, why spend the time making connections on exactly who posted when and if they were pregnant or not when they posted it? If someone offered a piece of useful advice, I don't really have any interest in knowing what the exact state of their uterus is at the moment they posted it.

@McSarah1104 - if you were an active member of this board you would not even ask the above question because you would get it. It's hurtful to the women of this board and that response should be enough. You have already told us you don't want anything to do with this board because you don't like our etiquette so why do you persist on responding negatively to posts that explain why we do things the way we do?

Actually I have been an active member on this board, I answer questions and give advice when I have pertinent experience. I try to stay away from the parts of this board that I don't care for, so you won't find me in certain threads, but when women ask a question that I have an answer to, I answer it (which IMHO is the point of an online message board). 

Back on this topic, I just don't see a reason to create your own hurt out of literally nothing.  The best way to not know who is pregnant or who is not (siggys obviously excepted, as noted) is to stay away from PgAL, not to try to police people from the other side.

ETA @ktloveless:

it is not 'causing controversy' to disagree with your personal opinion.  This is the wonderful thing about this being a public board.  I can have a different opinion to yours and that is ok.

@McSarah1104 - that's not my SN.

You totally don't get it at all.

Apologies on the name. I even read your thread about everyone getting it wrong.  I should have double checked what I typed.

TheAerialist

Amybunny30 said:

@McSarah1104‌ I will attempt to explain this and why it is hurtful. This particular board is to give and receive support to those of us who are TTCAL*. Once one gets a BFP, that person is no longer ttc. One in that position has immediately different hopes and fears. PgAL is the place for those. If you have made connections then you can PM with those people to offer support and hugs. If someone who has AL welcome and they post a specific question where you feel you could contribute something that others have not and that the whole board would benefit from, then you are welcome to post. To see a grad posting though, with or without a siggy, is a difficult reminder for many of us. Maybe there is no way to explain why, exactly, but it is. And as a community, I believe most of us here agree that it is hurtful and so a rule of etiquette we ask members to follow. *Big Note: you do not need to be actively ttc to be welcome here. Anyone who has gone through the journey, had losses, and is either CFNBC or on hold TTC for any reason or length of time is also understood to be welcome contributors. There is just something that can be hurtful about being reminded of those who have been lucky enough to graduate continually posting here. You do not have to agree to see how that is painful - that's fine. But I would ask you to respect those feelings of the board here as a whole.

Understood, and I appreciate the thoughtful explanation.

But please keep in mind, the original comment was a problem with people who commented here after an (assumed) BFP window, but hadn't intro'd anywhere else.   I just don't see why there is a need to search down people's posting history after the fact just to find a reason to be upset.

It also begs the question, how would you even know if a person is active on PgAL or a BMB unless they either had a sig or you lurked there? If you don't lurk there, you don't know anyway.

Regardless, I still disagree with the OP, but I will keep the spirit of your explanation in mind if/when.

HeyMrsPotter

I know I haven't been participating much lately, but as someone who has been hanging around here well over a year, I can personally attest to how hurtful it can be when a TTCALer gets her BFP but fails to stop posting here. 

Here's an example: One person I recall stayed around for more than 2 weeks while she secretly had a BFP. She was afraid it would be another loss and was waiting to see her HCG results double several times before telling anyone. That may sound understandable, until you consider that she was actively still posting -- and therefore receiving our support -- here as if she was not yet pregnant. 

I specifically recall that when someone else posted to vent about a vivid and upsetting TTCAL dream, this person actually replied to commiserate about her own recent dream in which she had "very real" symptoms. Of course, they were real. She was KTFU. After she finally introed on PGAL the timing of this became clear. 

The kind of deceptive "support" she contributed while overstaying her welcome on TTCAL was hurtful, not helpful. 

There's a place for you if you are KTFU, even if you feel like you're in limbo, and that place is PGAL. I know that it sucks for ladies who fear they won't get to stay on PGAL, but if you care about not hurting others, this is how it is. If you secretly hide out here with a BFP but eventually do make it to PGAL, your timing will eventually expose your dishonesty. It will hurt ladies here. And that won't bode well for your future participation on PGAL or -- if the worst happens, your return to TTCAL. 

edited for clarity

rslh10

There's a place for you if you are KTFU, even if you feel like you're in limbo, and that place is PGAL. I know that it sucks for ladies who fear they won't get to stay on PGAL, but if you care about not hurting others, this is how it is. If you secretly hide out here with a BFP but eventually do make it to PGAL, your timing will eventually expose your dishonesty. It will hurt ladies here. And that won't bode well for your future participation on PGAL or -- if the worst happens, your return to TTCAL. 

edited for clarity

This. There are plenty of ladies who have unfortunately been there, and back here only to go back again. And honestly? I've seen these ladies love tit this whole thread. It's just how it is. It just goes back to the whole "walking into a room full of grieving women" analogy that we use. You're part of a support group for loss....if you get KU, you wouldn't come back to the support group, would you? (with the exceptions of AL welcome etc...)  I don't know, I just assumed this was a REALLY easy thing to understand. 

rslh10

McSarah1104 said:

Amybunny30 said:

@McSarah1104‌ I will attempt to explain this and why it is hurtful. This particular board is to give and receive support to those of us who are TTCAL*. Once one gets a BFP, that person is no longer ttc. One in that position has immediately different hopes and fears. PgAL is the place for those. If you have made connections then you can PM with those people to offer support and hugs. If someone who has AL welcome and they post a specific question where you feel you could contribute something that others have not and that the whole board would benefit from, then you are welcome to post. To see a grad posting though, with or without a siggy, is a difficult reminder for many of us. Maybe there is no way to explain why, exactly, but it is. And as a community, I believe most of us here agree that it is hurtful and so a rule of etiquette we ask members to follow. *Big Note: you do not need to be actively ttc to be welcome here. Anyone who has gone through the journey, had losses, and is either CFNBC or on hold TTC for any reason or length of time is also understood to be welcome contributors. There is just something that can be hurtful about being reminded of those who have been lucky enough to graduate continually posting here. You do not have to agree to see how that is painful - that's fine. But I would ask you to respect those feelings of the board here as a whole.

Understood, and I appreciate the thoughtful explanation.

But please keep in mind, the original comment was a problem with people who commented here after an (assumed) BFP window, but hadn't intro'd anywhere else.   I just don't see why there is a need to search down people's posting history after the fact just to find a reason to be upset.

It also begs the question, how would you even know if a person is active on PgAL or a BMB unless they either had a sig or you lurked there? If you don't lurk there, you don't know anyway.

Regardless, I still disagree with the OP, but I will keep the spirit of your explanation in mind if/when.

I'm the OP. I simply stated that people tell us they get a BFP...want to know why? It's very hard for me (and all other check in leaders) to open the last weeks thread and look for all the new members, and be blindsided by a BMB siggy challenge. A very happy challenge, at that. This does not mean that I am not happy for said person, because I'm THRILLED. I'm so glad when anyone gets their BFP because it fucking sucks to be in the position we are in. You were part of my check in, you know that. That was my point, and I agree 100% with all statements made in this thread. 

I think it's pretty common knowledge that most people lurk, and would be able to see the dates etc. It's just shitty to try to "pull" one over on the women who have given you support. But, to each their own I suppose, right?

rmpar29

Here's another case to consider...

I posted my check-in one week (based on the responses from the week before).  One of my members replied, but something in her response was off.  She didn't update on herself, but responded to my update.  So, I logged into FF and I saw she had gotten a BFP the week before.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  Had I known, I could've prepared myself to see it.  While she didn't have a siggy and hadn't intro'd on PGAL, it was still wrong of her to post. 

It is wrong to deceive someone.  If you are KU then you stop being active on this board.  Now, if you have something very valuable to contribute and someone has AL welcome, then it's OK to post.  Other than that case, it's proper etiquette not to post. 

I hope that everyone understands how important it is to let your check-in leader know as soon as you get your BFP.  Being a leader can be very tough sometimes, but being blindsided by a BFP really sucks! 

TheAerialist

rslh10 said:

McSarah1104 said:

Amybunny30 said:

@McSarah1104‌ I will attempt to explain this and why it is hurtful. This particular board is to give and receive support to those of us who are TTCAL*. Once one gets a BFP, that person is no longer ttc. One in that position has immediately different hopes and fears. PgAL is the place for those. If you have made connections then you can PM with those people to offer support and hugs. If someone who has AL welcome and they post a specific question where you feel you could contribute something that others have not and that the whole board would benefit from, then you are welcome to post. To see a grad posting though, with or without a siggy, is a difficult reminder for many of us. Maybe there is no way to explain why, exactly, but it is. And as a community, I believe most of us here agree that it is hurtful and so a rule of etiquette we ask members to follow. *Big Note: you do not need to be actively ttc to be welcome here. Anyone who has gone through the journey, had losses, and is either CFNBC or on hold TTC for any reason or length of time is also understood to be welcome contributors. There is just something that can be hurtful about being reminded of those who have been lucky enough to graduate continually posting here. You do not have to agree to see how that is painful - that's fine. But I would ask you to respect those feelings of the board here as a whole.

Understood, and I appreciate the thoughtful explanation.

But please keep in mind, the original comment was a problem with people who commented here after an (assumed) BFP window, but hadn't intro'd anywhere else.   I just don't see why there is a need to search down people's posting history after the fact just to find a reason to be upset.

It also begs the question, how would you even know if a person is active on PgAL or a BMB unless they either had a sig or you lurked there? If you don't lurk there, you don't know anyway.

Regardless, I still disagree with the OP, but I will keep the spirit of your explanation in mind if/when.

I'm the OP. I simply stated that people tell us they get a BFP...want to know why? It's very hard for me (and all other check in leaders) to open the last weeks thread and look for all the new members, and be blindsided by a BMB siggy challenge. A very happy challenge, at that. This does not mean that I am not happy for said person, because I'm THRILLED. I'm so glad when anyone gets their BFP because it fucking sucks to be in the position we are in. You were part of my check in, you know that. That was my point, and I agree 100% with all statements made in this thread. 

I think it's pretty common knowledge that most people lurk, and would be able to see the dates etc. It's just shitty to try to "pull" one over on the women who have given you support. But, to each their own I suppose, right?

Thanks @rslh10 I actually meant to thank you because I had no idea to let check in leaders know if you get a BFP, and I think this all makes sense and the reasons why are even more useful for me, and I am sure lots of others, so thanks for that!

I am sorry that this got off topic a little, and I had planned to let it lie and will after this. I just feel so strongly that this should be a place for anyone with a loss that comes with intentions of helping and kindness. And I also feel strongly that no one on a public message board has any obligation to let people know about their BFP until they want to.  This is why I feel that doing the math on if someone had a BFP before they updated their sig or migrated to another board is just unnecessary, unfair and is digging for reasons to be upset.  

I actually never lurk on PgAL. There is nothing for me there right now. But even if I did, I wouldn't look for dates and I wouldn't think of iit as 'pulling something over', what would someone have to gain from 'deceiving' anyone here??  I just would assume that person needed to do what felt right to them at the time and good for them. 

Anyway, like I said, thank you so much for the info on check ins.  Much appreciated.

Nikolie93

PetraStonegirl said:

Total aside to prove what a dork I am... I was sorely tempted just now to edit the OP title to read "Getting BFPs In Check-Ins PSA-Now With HISTORY!!!" There is just no excuse for me.

I see nothing wrong with that  

Thanks for posting, btw!

TheAerialist

Amybunny30 said:

@PetraStonegirl‌ thanks for the history! Personally I find it really helpful to hear about the evolution of the board. I can see how the current happy medium may not be perfect but is the best solution for the situation. One should absolutely be allowed to announce their BFP in their own time. But posting here while pregnant and posing as not pregnant, even with good intentions, is deceiving. If one is not ready to announce, that is their choice. But it would be extremely damaging to those connections that were made to keep it a secret while still posing as part of the community. I care about each of you - I like to believe the caring and support for you all is built on trust and respect. Of course there is no 'obligation' - as @McSarah1104‌ put it. But it would feel really icky. And exactly as said, there is nothing to gain from being deceitful here - so why would one continue to post after getting a BFP, whether they were ready to announce it or not? And as for the comment, 'I just would assume that person needed to do what felt right to them at the time and good for them.' (@mcsarah1104) I understand that it can feel scary to leave the security of ttcal after a BFP - but the damage that it could cause to a community of women that one has built bonds of support and kindness with trumps that desire for comfort, personally. I am not trying to pick on you - I simply want to ensure that I give you, and anyone else who is interested, another perspective to see the situation from. It isn't an easy situation to be in. Hopefully the ladies in that scary spot have made the connections of support and can pm with the women they are close with for comfort and continued support (both giving and getting). It is a place for support. And those who are grads at pgal are always cheering us on. As we cheer them on. The connections last.

Thanks @amybunny I actually don't think that you are picking at all, I appreciate your point of view, and particularly after reading the history that @Petrastonegirl posted, I can see both sides and I appreciate your position.

The history really helps me see the other side, and I bet it works/applies 95% of the time, so I can see why we are where we are.  I still don't agree with the solution, but this board isn't perfect for everyone and I am ok with that.  Plus, my objections likely encompass that tiny 5% of situations anyway, where as longtimers on this board have seen alllllll of that 95% with terrible results.

I still encourage people (generally) to be kind and be reasonable and not to dig for reasons to have hurt feelings.  In this situation or in any other. I guess I kind of just try to look at almost everyone as coming here from a place of need and vulnerability and take it from there. 

Anyway, that last paragraph makes me feel like some kind of MF-ing suzy sunshine. I am not.  I feel like I need to end this post with some kind of ridiculous gif, but I need to head home now, so ya'll have to use your imaginations. :-)