To invite or not to invite my FIL's wife…

thelittlestbee

My mom and sister are throwing me a baby shower this Spring. All I've been asked to do is provide the guest list. My mom and I agreed that we would invite the same people that came to my bridal shower last year, which was mostly close family and friends. However the question came up as to whether we should invite my FIL's wife or not. My mom and I are both stumped, so I figured I would ask you ladies for your honest advice. Here's some background:

My DH's parents have been divorced since he was a little kid. My FIL has been remarried for more than 20 years. MIL absolutely HATES the wife and constantly talks shit about her. My in-laws divorced because my MIL left my FIL. There was no cheating on my FIL's part. The current wife was never "the other woman". My MIL is just a very dramatic and jealous person. She literally threw a shit fit last year when we invited my FIL's wife to our wedding (I mean, were we NOT supposed to invite her?). Her exact words were "Who does that woman think she is, coming to MY son's wedding?!" As it turns out, FIL's wife ended up getting sick a few days before and was told by her doctor not to travel (we had a DW). So she never came to the wedding and everyone got along just fine. The thing is - FIL's wife is a very nice woman, she has always been kind to me, and she was even more thrilled than my FIL was when we told her about this pregnancy. She was actually nicer about it than my MIL (who started hysterically crying and acting like I just ruined her son's life).

I'm really worried that if I invite FIL's wife, my MIL will make a huge stink about it and behave poorly at my shower… because that's just the kind of person she is. DH said he doesn't care if I include her or not. I'm not inviting anyone else from DH's side of the family, except for two women who are married into the family (like me). I am just worried that if I don't invite her and she finds out about it she'll feel like I snubbed her.

What do you guys think I should do? Invite or not invite?  

divinemsbee

Agree with PPs, and especially everything @msspeedymarie said. While it is 'just a shower' it's also about setting the tone and boundaries of what you will put up with from your MIL. They've been divorced 20 years, it's time for her to get over it, and possibly get counseling. One of my friend's moms pulled some similar shit at her son's wedding (similar situation, she left the dad, the dad remarried a woman who was not in the picture at the time of the divorce and the new wife is lovely) and it has totally alienated her children. I think your H needs to tell his mom that you guys aren't going to limit your FIL's or his wife's time with your kid just because she can't get it together.

VOR

Yes. Invite her. Need to take some of that power away from mil. She has way too much of it. And ditto everything msspeedymarie said. Smil has nothing but nice, but mil acts like an ass - so smil doesn't get invited?? That makes no sense.

VOR

msspeedymarie said:

divinemsbee said:

Agree with PPs, and especially everything @msspeedymarie said. While it is 'just a shower' it's also about setting the tone and boundaries of what you will put up with from your MIL. 

IMO, a smaller event like a shower is the perfect time to lay down the boundaries, much better than a major event like a wedding or a christening. (Am I the only one who wonders if SMIL graciously "got sick" during the wedding to avoid a scene? If she did, she's even classier).

If she did, yes, even classier. But it's shows even more so what a total ass the MIL is. OP- seriously, you and DH need to draw a firm, firm line. You're about to have a baby. Your MIL should NOT have this kind of power over your lives. Especially over a woman who is NICE to you and doesn't pull shit. DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR!!!!!

thelittlestbee

Thank you so much for input ladies. You guys made several good points that I hadn't even considered, like meeting the baby at the hospital and future birthday parties... I totally agree that MIL needs to get her attitude in check. I refuse to the bad guy by excluding SMIL just because MIL can't get her shit together long enough to act like an adult. 

Anyways, DH said he would talk to his mom. He's going to tell her that SMIL will be invited and that if she has an issue with that, she is welcome to throw her own shower or just stay home that day. We'll see what happens!

VOR

I think your DH needs to have a bigger picture talk with his mom. He needs to tell her that there will be many more events where EVERYONE will be invited. She needs to accept this and get her attitude in check. Because let's say she says 'sure, i'll throw my own shower'. So now her expectation will be that for the first b-day, well... you'll just have 2 parties and so on and so on and so on. Nip this in the bud NOW. Don't let the new expectation now just be "Oh- MIL will do her own party!".

thelittlestbee

VOR said:

I think your DH needs to have a bigger picture talk with his mom. He needs to tell her that there will be many more events where EVERYONE will be invited. She needs to accept this and get her attitude in check. Because let's say she says 'sure, i'll throw my own shower'. So now her expectation will be that for the first b-day, well... you'll just have 2 parties and so on and so on and so on. Nip this in the bud NOW. Don't let the new expectation now just be "Oh- MIL will do her own party!".

I totally agree with you. I'd like to see what happens when DH talks to her about the shower first though. After thinking about it more, I think its a conversation I am going to get involved in.

For years, my DH has been telling MIL to get over it and not much has changed. However, this baby is a big game changer. If she wants to continue being ridiculous, she's just not going to be involved. Honestly, I wouldn't be opposed to her hosting her own shower. But I'm not going to have two birthday parties or holidays or anything for this baby. Everyone is going to have to learn to get along or just stay home.

mamayo26

Both DH's and my parents are divorced. Mine since I was 3 but DH's only for a few years...in fact the first time DH's parents new significant other's met was at SIL destination wedding and it was a complete cluster. I told DH right then and there that when we have kids (little did I know I had just conceived DS1) this shit will not fly.

Everyone will behave or they will be TOLD to leave. Since that event everyone has remained civil. Those who don't necessarily get along avoid each other and that is just fine. IF your MIL pitches a fit just tell her: this is our kid and we will be doing things our way. Deal with it or your time/interaction with him/her will be limited...that usually will get her attention.

Whitfry

We had a situation at our wedding with two female guests who apparently didn't like each other (something to do with someone's husband, though I don't know if anyone cheated on anyone else) and there was lots of tantrumming and moaning about not going. They weren't family and we're friends of MIL, so I didn't really give any fucks if they came or not, but I found it baffling that two grown ass women in their forties and fifties would behave as childishly as they did with the sulking and botching. I ignored the situation and don't even remember if they came. Obviously that's not an option for you, but I find it ridiculous that your MIL can be so petty.

I agree with PP. Now is the time to set boundaries that will dictate all future family interactions when it comes to your kid. This is a great opportunity to say enough is enough. Be strong and stick to your guns, you have a chance to improve your life and your relationships here.

ombradellarosa

I don't have anything useful to add, I think PPs have covered it very well. I just wanted to say heeeyyy @TheLittlestBee and I hope everything works out and your MIL learns to act like an adult!