Single Parents
tvalexis
member
Options
Getting divorced and pregnant
tvalexis
member
I'm 33 years old, have a successful job and up until 3 months ago was happily married. The day after my birthday this year after getting back from an overseas work trip i was cleaning out my mailbox and found an email from almost exactly a year ago from a women in my spam box. She asked me if i was still married to my husband or separated. it was from a year ago so i didn't even know if she would get my response but i emailed her. We talked...they had an affair a year ago..he said he was separated, left his ring in the car i suppose, brought her to my house and said he was "living with his sister during his separation." Given this new information i kicked him out and started to dig. Every single day a new bombshell was dropped. More girls, craigs list prostitutes during his lunch hours - on the same days he had slept with me, immense gambling addictions at poker rooms and online gambling, bank accounts i didnt know existed, a girlfriend who he told he was a rich sports agent and traveled too much to have anything serious. She exchanged sex for shoes and makeup brush sets. Lie after lie, IRS issues, work contracts and debts he had signed with his personal name not his LLC. Oh and the best one...found out that in addition to his real job he was one or our cities premier sports betting bookies. Livid i began to file for divorce. He asked to go to counseling where the therapist said that staying with him would slowly kill me. On the way home i panicked since we had been trying to have a baby. Made him stop at the drug store and got a pregnancy test. Sure enough...positive. Im 12 weeks pregnant right now. Had some issues with spotting and chrorionic hemorrhaging so had to be on some bed rest and no exercising which is a night mare for me. Gaining weight because I'm stress eating. An emotional wreck. One day I'm fine the next I'm crying the next I'm angry and screaming at him. Im happy I'm having a baby but I'm so scared about the future. How am i going to handle it all...will i have enough money...will my child be messed up because of the mess its being born into..why did he do these things to me? will i ever find love again? will i ever trust again? will i be a good mother?? I feel like I'm on a jerry springer show and I want off! Anyone else in a similar situation?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Getting divorced and pregnant
I am sorry your stbxh has hurt you so deeply you are doing the right thing by leaving him. Not just for you but for your child.
While being a single parent is a struggle as long as you do everything in your power to care for your child you will both be okay
Your situation sounds rough. And being a single parent isn't going to be easy but if you stay in a relationship that a counselor says "will eventually kill you", I can say that cutting that out will benefit you in the long run. At this point, cry it out and then do whatever it takes to move on. Anything he does that does not directly impact you/LO, I would just ignore from here on out. See a grief counselor. I think a grief counselor would do you best with everything you've been through. First, how are you going to handle it all… I had that same question. I was in a bad relationship for four years… And then I got pregnant… And all I could think about was this one question what am I going to do? The simplest way I can answer this, is just go at it as it comes along. Handling everything at once is not going to work, so you have to take everything one step at a time. Every day is different, and comes with different problems. One step at a time. Take deep breaths. You will figure it out as it comes to you.
Second, will you have enough money… There are tons of programs out there to help you if you don't have enough money. I get help from the government for daycare, I have insurance through the government for my DD, I do what I can with what I have… And I don't have much, but we get by.
Third, your child will only be messed up if you mess up your child. This situation you are in will not mess up your child unless you go out of your way to make it so. Does that make sense? My situation wasn't great before, and one day I'll have to tell my DD about her father but until then, I'm not going to bring it up. And when I tell her, I will be as unbiased as I can be. I want her to form her own opinion of him, not base it on all the negative things I have to say (because there are MANY).
Fourth, the more you sit and dwell on why he would've done this to you, the more you're going to stress yourself and hurt yourself. Stop. He did it. He's a dick. Let him go.
Fifth and sixth, yes. It will take you time to heal, and you take that time. Take as much as you need to heal your wounds. In time, yes. You will love again. You will trust again. We are here for support and to help you find strength. We can help you.
And, lastly, yes. Every woman questions this about herself, but you are a good mother. To get yourself out of this mess, to heal yourself, to bring your baby into a better place… That makes you a better mother, more than you might think.
I hope you find peace soon.
Your situation sounds very similar to mine with elaborate lies and extensive cheating. Basically everything out of my exes mouth when he was trying to woo me was a lie or SIGNIFICANT strech of the truth. It took a TON of digging to undercover them all and I'm sure there is more I will never even find out about. Your ex sounds like he is definitely a sociopath or have narcisstic personality disorder at a minimum. You should get as educated as you can on those personality disorders as it will really help you in interacting with him. It's helped me a TON. You will never be able to change him so you have to do the best you can at moving on and rebuilding your life. Please don't take any of his promises to change seriously and forgive him. Individuals like this can never change as they see nothing wrong with their behavior. It will only bring you future heartache and regret. If you continued things with him, it only gives him more opportunities to hurt and deceive you. It's going to take you a long time to get over this and feel normal again, but you will get there and you will feel a little better every single day.
You said that you're 33 and have a good job. I'm actually in the same boat and I've been able to find a pretty good balance of being a single mom. I was SO scared to do it by myself at first, but it actually is easier than I imagined and better than being with a lying manipulator. I try to limit my contact with my ex as much as possible and to only issues directly concerning our son. My ex is actually a good father and loves our son even though he's an awful human being (not sure if that makes sense), so he does have our son 2 days a week. Most days are very hectic trying to get him ready for daycare, working, doing everything alone in the evenings, but I do get a few days a week to myself to relax. Make sure you also take him to court to get a child support order. You can't trust someone to help you out with that level of deceit and you certainly shouldn't have to be financially responsible for your child alone. Good luck. It will get easier with time!