intro and my story/vent......**warning LC mentioned**

KirstenAlecia

Hello ladies. This is a bit long....apologies. 

LC mentioned.......

I have lurked a little here and there. The intros and posts make me sad that we have to have this board and that so many of us find ourselves here. My heart goes out to each and everyone here. Im a 38 year old with 1 child. She is 18 so not really a child....lol. Never married her dad and spent many years as a single mom. DH and I have been married over 3.5 years and he has no children. 

H and I finally had a BFP in October and miscarried early this month. It was a MMC and the LO didn't quite get to the 10 weeks I was supposed to be at my Dr visit.  I had reasoned with myself  prior that at my age it could happen and that if it did and it was an early loss I would be able to logically reason with myself that it was because something was wrong and was for the best and blah blah blah......boy was I wrong. I guess you really don't know till you go through it. What makes it even harder is breaking the news to some of my family was hard. My family was so excited. Even harder because when I went to tell my brother and my sister in law (whom I am very close with) it turns out we had the same news for each other......she was pregnant too! We were to be due 6 weeks apart. Best thing ever right? 

I went with the oral medication a week after MMC was discovered to get my body to go through the process. It was probably the worst thing I have ever been through. It ended up taking 4 days and several doses. Excruciatingly painful, emotionally and mentally draining as Im sure many of you know and my H was a compete dickhead the whole time. 

Don't read the following if you are in a sensitive place. 

At the second dr visit a week after the MMC was discovered, H was with me, and upon leaving the OB's office and coming to the decision to use the meds vs the D&C, hubby turned to me and said "Cant we just shop vac it out?"  I looked at him and told him not funny and he had crossed a line that I wasn't ok with. Yes he has an asshole sense of humor sometimes but I honestly NEVER thought he would use it on me and like this (toward anyone)

The Sunday came the day we were scheduled to take the meds and the process was slow. Eventually things got going but sadly it went into the next day and in the middle of the worst part of (and second dose in) I had a break in the process where i was and able to walk and talk. I came out of the bathroom and he asked "Did you finally drop the kid off at the pool?" I froze and looked at him.......in absolute disbelief. I was already physically and mentally broken at that point and how he felt that was acceptable is beyond me. 

Christmas Eve my sister in law planned to break her good news about their PG to family. I was unprepared for this. She asked me if it was ok (so sweet of her to think of me) I told her not to let my sad  situation ruin her good one, but that I would be excusing myself while she revealed. I went outside and lost it. A short time later my brother came out to comfort me. My H came out too but not to comfort me. He came out to ask what the hell was wrong with me. To tell me I was an embarrassment and that if I didn't knock it off he would leave me there and I could find another way home. 

Yup ladies....this man is all mine.....don't be jealous. 

Don't you just want to hit him with a brick?

Anyway. Come New Years Eve (yesterday) and my other sister in law texts me and hubby. Its a cute pregnancy announcement photo. Yes she knew about my MC. I would rather have had a phone call.......some consideration. Not on New Years Eve. We had just previously headed out to our party for the night. H said "Great...this is gonna upset you isn't it?"  I told him I would be ok. Well.....yeah i lied. This time he decided not to get stupid. He actually managed to TRY to be normal. He hugged me and asked why was i taking it so personal. Told him i didn't feel like it was anyone personally attacking me but i definitely felt like the universe was taking aim at me. He told me to try and look at it the way he does. He has no sadness at all. Tries to tell me we didn't lose an actual baby. Tells me it wasn't meant to be so he is ok with it. I told him I just couldn't do what he was doing. 

If you read that novel I commend you. I figured that I have taken quite the mental beating and it was time to make my way over here to be with other grieving mommies to give and get some support since I am not getting it at home. I truly have been going through this mostly alone in my real life and Im at the breaking point. Im hoping that after the bleeding and stuff stops from this loss it will help me move on. Hoping.

I wish I could hug you all cause i know we are all in the same boat. 

Menrandes

First, I am incredibly sorry about your loss. I am glad you found us and I hope you will find comfort here. Second...the comments your husband made seem beyond inappropriate, especially if they were hurtful to you. Hopefully you can sit down with him and be able to explain and have him understand your feelings. Perhaps inappropriate humor is his coping mechanism, but I'm not going to share fully the reaction I had when I read about his comments!
**hugs**

KirstenAlecia

@Menrandes yeah I can only guess your reaction. It is inappropriate and it does piss me off. On my original home board TTC over 35 lots of my ladies there would be willing to get in line and throat punch him. Gotta love those girls. lol

Thank goodness for TB....not sure what I would do without all these wonderful group of internet strangers. 

Edit because i can't type worth a crap.

SeaParrot

Wow.

To begin with, I am incredibly sorry for your loss and I hope you are able to grieve however you need to. *hugs* This is a very challenging time and I am sorry you are going through it.

Secondly, your husband's cruel and minimizing comments are so, so not okay. While everyone reacts to loss differently, it is never appropriate to tear down someone else for grief or to tell them how they should or shouldn't feel. I'm sorry you've been subjected to such terrible comments and I really hope that, before you continue TTC, you have a very frank discussion with him about how not okay those types of comments are.

Frenchteachermama

Yikes. I am so sorry for your loss. I was/am in a similar situation this year with my sister and sister-in-laws being pregnant while I miscarried (twice). Being in that situation is hard enough without those horrible comments from your DH. I'm so sorry he is not being supportive. I think I would personally be seeking out counseling if I was in your situation. So sorry.

PinkCamino

I'm so sorry for your loss ((hugs)) FX you husband realizes how difficult this is for you and starts supporting you.

rubysi

Welcome. I am sorry for your loss. I second everyone's thoughts on your dh. We have an AMA check in that runs every second and forth Monday if you would like to join us.

Nikolie93

Glad to see you intro here, sweetie. I hope you find comfort and support here as I have. So many *hugs*

Oh, and we may have offered a bit more than TP's to him over there!

Cheetara2

Sorry for your loss. I hope you find some support here.

peregrinefalconx

It saddens me that I feel like I have heard those exact same words come out of others' men's mouths--the shop vac and kids a the pool thing. If you are going to be awful, can't you not be clichéd?

I am very sorry for your loss, and more sorry still for your lack of support. If he doesn't care, he should at least pretend to, or understand that you are really upset...or that you have taken up permanent residence on a toilet and that nobody *chooses* to do that. I hope that you can sort things through with him and let him know what is and is not ok in a mature manner.

Just like nobody tells you how bad a miscarriage can be, I will just mention that within 2 weeks to a month (or earlier), you may experience hormonal fluctuations that are different than the grief and may be more intense. Hugs.

NOBB14

So so sorry for your loss. Your grieving is totally natural, please don't let anyone, even a husband making shitty comments, make you feel otherwise. I won't make excuses for him because he was so damn mean about it, but I agree with PP that a conversation is on order- especially if you want to try again in the future.

LittleDucky

I am so sorry for your loss and I am so sorry that your husband is making things worse rather than being supportive.  Do you think he would be receptive to you talking to him about it, or would he just make more jokes and refuse to take you seriously?  I wonder if he is using (totally inappropriate humor) to cover up for his own emotions.  Not that it is an excuse AT ALL - but it might be something you can talk to him about.

meredithcarole

Welcome to TTCAL.

rslh10

Im so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs)) as for your H..... :-w @-) wow.

Littleowl913

I'm sorry for your loss.  I hope YH will come to understand the support you need during this time.

catvaughn5002

I'm so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the board. I agree what your dh said is absolutely horrible and very inconsiderate. If it were me I would make sure you're on the same page before ttc again. ((Hugs))

O2girl

Welcome. I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm very sorry for your loss. As for your H's comments... The comments he is making are hurtful to you, and he needs to understand that your feelings are hurt by the language he chooses to use. He is a man and men sometimes have a hard time processing feelings, so they might make jokes about them. It sounds like your H may be having a hard time processing his emotions about all of this. Maybe sit down with him. And explain very clearly "when you say 'this or that' in reference to my loss, it makes me feel 'unloved, unsupported, not cared for, etc". The conversation has to be done in a calm fashion...... I had to do this with my H....... But once he understood what was hurting me and why.... He stopped making those kinds of "jokes". Plus when I realized that we just process EVERYTHING differently, it became much easier to let things roll off my back. Bottom line is men are dumb boys sometimes and they say dumb things....reality is I don't think they mean it to be mean.

aswedishbee

Welcome, and very sorry for your loss.

lcwed

I'm so sorry your DH is still being so insensitive.  You need a rock right now, not a jerk.  You'll get all the support you need here until your husband hopefully comes around.

negritosmami

Just wow at your husband!! Im so sorry you are dealing with both the loss and your husbands cruelty. I can imagine how painful that must be. Many hugs to you and I hope your husband gets it together..and quickly!!

imnotfancy

I am so sorry for your loss and I'm so so sorry YH is not being supportive. I hope you can find the support you need here. This board is wonderfully full of supportive ladies. ((hugs))

stephy1221

I am so sorry for your loss. As for your H well I am sure that you as his SO know best how to educate him on the kind of support you need and I am sure it will get better but yeah I would run to line up for that TP. Hugs.

dandb925

I am so sorry for your loss and that you find yourself here, but it is a great place to give and get support. As for your husband, PP's have said it best. I think you REALLY need to have a conversation with him and let him know that you're hurting and need his support, not dumbass comments. Yes, we process our loss differently from our men, and while I have to sometimes remind my husband of this, I know he's there for me. And that's all I'm going to say.

renegadewhit

I'm so sorry for your loss, and even more sorry for the cruelty you've had to endure at such a vulnerable time. I'm glad you found us for support. Welcome to this board. I can't even begin to give you any advice, but I've got all the ((Hugs)). 

ellebelle2384

I'm sorry for your loss and the insensitive comments your H made.  I would be furious. (hugs)

MellyMel15

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have been through so much and I am truly sorry you've had to suffer so much. 

I think it's terrible that your husband was so insensitive and hurtful. I can get men not quite understanding why we take a miscarriage so hard, but he had no right to say those things to you (and the one comment he made while you were physically going through the miscarriage made me cringe). I'm sorry he's been so rude and callous. 

And I get what you mean about feeling like the universe is taking aim at you. I know so many pregnant women right now, it's not even funny. My best friend is pregnant (due a month after when I would have been) and I have seen or heard about so many pregnancies since I miscarried in September. The latest one happened today when friends from out of town (a guy my DH used to work with, his wife, and their daughter) came to visit-- turns out they're expecting baby #2. They are a great couple and I love them, but it made me want to scream!

That's my novel, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone and in good company. Welcome. 

skategirl128

I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with PP's that you need to have a talk with your H about his comments. They sound borderline verbal abusive to me- I know they process things differently, but there is no excuse for those types of comments. So many hugs to you!

firefly143

My daddy always told me "If you don't have anything thing nice to say, don't say anything at all"

 

So I'm just going to say this.... Welcome to the board. I'm glad you have found us but I'm so sorry you needed to. I hope you get the support you need!! (((Gigantic Hugs)))

KirstenAlecia

Thank you ladies. I feel very very welcomed. 

I have been thinking long and hard about TTC again with H. Not gonna lie the comments made me angry and I feel like they are things that were said that he should just have known better. 

Ive painted a pretty bad picture of him here...which he fully deserves and I don't feel like defending his words or what he said or that the fact that YES....it was very much mentally abusive. 

I definitely feel like to get the support I need here I need to be honest with what is happening in my house. I wish I could paint the whole picture of who he is. It doesn't make this any better and in fact many people would say I wouldn't be married to that guy. He isn't always like this.......but there have been moments in the years where I have to say, its been asshole statements and comments and hurtful. Not all the time. Not often. But man when it happens its not something thats forgettable. 

A little more on our TTC history may be helpful to understand he and I. 

Married for 4 years come May. The majority of our marriage we were in the NTNP camp as far as getting PG. Its something he wanted more than me. With an older teen I had a hard time of wrapping my head around starting over. More selfish reasons as well.....Im a business owner and I felt like it would make that a lot harder. But in the end I felt he was going to be a good dad (i know hard to believe but he is great with kids and with my daughter.....strict but good) He wanted to be a dad. After 3 years I think we sort of thought since it wasn't happening that it just would not. Neither one of us willing to do medically invasive to get PG. We both were on board with that. We talked about adoption but in the end I think that we have been so very happily married for the last couple years that why mess with that if nature wasn't going to take its coarse. I know that last statement is hard to believe.....i know. 

When we got our BFP He had JUST come home with a lab slip to get an SA. He did this on his own. Sort of felt like even with us not temping and charting that in over 3 years that at some point it should have happened. Even talked about talking to my dr to have test/bloodwork done. Simply for answers. So we knew. Put to bed the hope and legitimately move past TTC if need be. Travel the world was option #2. 

During my short lived PG he was doting on me. Too much. Drove me CRAZY. Didn't want me doing too much housework. Wanted me to rest/nap anytime I was tires. Asked that  I wear gloves if I was cleaning not to come into contact with cleaning products. Always checking in with me make sure i remembered to take my pre-natals. He bought diapers!!! We were in the fist tri and he was so gung ho he wanted to buy diapers.....lol. 

Tonight he did ask me very pointedly what was wrong. Did I not feel loved. He said I have been different. I guess I have gone from weepy to angry in 3.5.........

He suggested I talk to a therapist/counselor. 

All the while unaware that he plays a small part in my anger. 

I explained to him that it hasn't been long and that my hormones are going through some changes and that he hasn't made it easy. I told him I would understand him wanting me to talk to someone if i was still like this way down the line.......but none the less, I will go see someone. It sure can't hurt....only help. 

If your girls have gotten through all this thank you.

I have read all the responses to my crazy post and I appreciate and contemplate everything every one has said and truly feel very warmed by you all.

Thank you so much. I have so much to navigate through and learn and figure out....Im glad to have help. TB is full of some great women. 

KirstenAlecia

PetraStonegirl said:

 And finally, -Mr Petra cannot shake the gut feeling that your husband wouldn't be saying these things without the desire to end the relationship or does not want to have children, and is launching a passive-aggressive attack to assure that end game. I have to agree with him, your husband's behavior is beyond a clueless or helpless husband bumbling through a tough time with his wife. As someone previously married to that kind of 'loveable asshole', it raises the very hairs on the back of my neck. I am so very sorry for your loss. Welcome to the board.

You know.........I COMPLETELY understand why someone would think this. Im no dummy, that I assure you. I do not feel like this is the case, but I'm not so clueless as to think that as a wife,I  could not be blindsided. I may sit him down and bring his comments to his attention and let him know that that what makes it seem like. My H is pretty forthcoming on when he isn't happy. If its anything it's likely it would be the change in mindset to having a child and not the ending of our marriage. Im pretty sure. Sure would be good to know wouldn't it?  

If thats the case it would still be shocking to me. While we were not charting....he was pretty aware of my cycles and was always ready to do the deed...especially if he thought for any reason it was good timing to get me KU. 

Things do change though. 

edited for lack of punctuation.....some still may be missing. :P

Nikolie93

I so wish he would go to counseling with you. I don't really agree with him telling you that YOU need to go talk to someone, especially since he seems to be some of the problem.

meredithcarole

Nikolie93 said:

I so wish he would go to counseling with you. I don't really agree with him telling you that YOU need to go talk to someone, especially since he seems to be some of the problem.

I really think marriage counseling is a must before you continue your journey. His behavior swings from controlling (how I read his "doting" on you while PG) to demeaning. You do not deserve that.

KirstenAlecia

There are a few control issues. Im aware that its easy to pick up on. Im not oblivious to the man I married. Im fact Im very aware of some of the things Ive decided to tolerate from him. This behavior is actually not something I will continue to tolerate. Im going to go ahead and go see someone then insist he come along after a couple sessions. My guess is whoever I see with suggest this as well. I wont give him the option to say no. I have been known to put my foot down in our relationship. 

I totally get that there is not many women who would understand why I would put up with a certain amount of control (most of it comes from a money centered place) but there are reasons i tolerate it at the moment.  And his difficulty with  empathy and understanding as well as crude sense of humor is something i have learned to navigate over the coarse of 10 years time. 

@medic7979 I appreciate the restraint. Ive had to practice it too. As much as I know he deserves a swift kick to the head

I appreciate the looking out for me ladies. Hopefully I can find my way through this with the help of the boards where i can get and give support. 

NOBB14

No need to explain yourself to us, love. I know our reactions to his words are hard to hear and may have caught you off guard, but after reading your other comments I can see a bigger picture and slightly remove my judgement (although holy crap did he say some mean things. This is my quantification of "slightly".)

I say this because my husband - someone far from verbally or mentally abusive - did similar things to YH during my first pregnancy, too. It wasn't so much control issues so much as it was: the man was excited and took the google machine pregnancy advice as gospel. I knew it was over the top, and he wasn't forceful about it or anything, he just felt helpless that I was going through it all physically while he seemingly wasn't doing squat, so looking up pregnancy advice was something he COULD do. He couldn't help himself, and it sounds like your hubby got ahead of himself as well. It happens, it doesn't mean you're in a bad relationship and need to rethink your marriage or TTC in the future. I think a lot of PP gave great potential insight and by no means am I dismissing any of their words because there are some smart cookies up in here. I'm just here to say that I see where you are coming from and we absolutely do not have full perspective into your marriage and no relationship is ever perfect. Only you know what you're living with and you decide what is right for you.

I think your plan of including him in counseling you seek is reasonable because there's no way that he isn't hurting from this, too. I'm not shaking my head at YH's recommendation you go to therapy because going through loss is sofuckinghard for anyone, and to be honest, who wants to only rely on their man for help? You're doing the right thing in coming to this group and counseling can really be helpful; I'm in the process of finding my own therapist to help me too (thanks to the advice of the wonderful ladies here who encouraged me!)

Good luck in your journey. Hugs.

Km380

I am very sorry for your loss and everything you have been dealing with. Regarding YH I will simply say I am glad your plan is to include him in therapy.
Welcome to the board

KirstenAlecia

@Nobb14 - OMG....yes Google and the crap he found on the internet! Mine too!! My H is never forceful either......he is a pain in the arse. 

But IMO he deserves the harsh judgment he has received here.....no matter that I KNOW there is a way that he and I work and that I know he has much goodness in him as a husband........he went overboard and beyond cruel. If it wasn't i wouldn't have spilled my guts here would I? 

Surprisingly I felt a lot better today. I don't know if its being able to vent and  look through the boards and see others maneuvering their lives here after loss or what. I know Im not in the clear but Ill get there. I love that there is a variety of posting here not only TTCAL and Loss centered. So much to read and participate in....Im gonna get sucked in aren't I? lol. 

KirstenAlecia

@Nobb14 - OMG....yes Google and the crap he found on the internet! Mine too!! My H is never forceful either......he is a pain in the arse. 

But IMO he deserves the harsh judgment he has received here.....no matter that I KNOW there is a way that he and I work and that I know he has much goodness in him as a husband........he went overboard and beyond cruel. If it wasn't i wouldn't have spilled my guts here would I? 

Surprisingly I felt a lot better today. I don't know if its being able to vent and  look through the boards and see others maneuvering their lives here after loss or what. I know Im not in the clear but Ill get there. I love that there is a variety of posting here not only TTCAL and Loss centered. So much to read and participate in....Im gonna get sucked in aren't I? lol. 

rmpar29

I'm very sorry for your loss, and more than sorry about the comments YH made.  My husband can be a bit of an asshole sometimes too when he doesn't understand what is going on with me.  However, I think there's a point where "asshole" doesn't cover it and it seems to me that YH is there.  I agree that some counseling for you and DH would be for the best so that he understands how his treatment makes you fell.  I also think you need to be open with him about the specific things that he said that made you upset and why.  You blaming your behavior on your hormones might send the message that he's done nothing wrong. 

I wish you all the best of luck in your marriage and I hope that you can sit DH down and be honest with him.  Maybe he's so oblivious that he just doesn't realize it, or maybe he doesn't care, or worse, maybe he's doing it intentionally to hurt you.  You will only figure that out by talking to him. 

jordangoodnight

I am so sorry for your loss. I am appalled at your husband's behavior! And I'm sorry that you find yourself in a tough situation with two pg sister in laws. Welcome to the board. ((Hugs))