terrible (sort of) Christmas and WWYD

brachysira

Today we had our Christmas with the in-laws.  On Christmas Day, we had Christmas with my parents.  My parents told me each a small gift they wanted, then we agreed to just get a small amount of cash from them as our gift since DH and I need cash for items like new shoes but can't let my parents pick.  Everyone really just focused on getting things for M with a few items thrown in for the new baby.

Now the in-laws.  We asked the in-laws what they wanted, and MIL just said she liked the tea and some soup mix we got her last year, and we learned nothing from FIL.  We sent an extensive wish list for M after they asked what she wanted, but said we would be happy if they didn't want to get too much and those were just ideas.  BIL, who lives at home but makes good money, usually just exchanges a few movies with his brother DH.  We called FIL and asked him what BIL would like and he said he was not doing gifts this year, so we got BIL nothing.  We have a lot of stuff already at our house and I am not good at getting rid of things.  FIL and BIL are full on hoarders who have several outbuidlings full of stuff.  I thought it would be best to just get consumables, so we gave MIL tea, everyone a few homemade food mixes, FIL a large canister of nuts, and everyone pictures of the kids.  

We arrive and M has about 20 gifts from in-laws and DH and I have about 10 each.  BIL has bought huge presents for both DH and I--kitchen stuff for me and books and movies for DH.  He had bought M a play kitchen and the new baby a huge train table.  I felt terrible that we didn't get BIL anything and bad that we didn't get much for the in-laws and that they seemed quite unexcited by what they did get from us.  I felt like I was doing the right thing by not filling their house with more stuff they don't need and I just cannot really stand dropping $100 each on random stuff for them when I have no idea what they want or need (they live several hours away so we don't see them enough to pick up on things).  The stuff we got from them was mostly stuff we already have or stuff we just don't want.   The in-laws are not impoverished, but don't tend to get tons of items for themselves--the tend to wear ratty flannel shirts, etc., but I don't really think they'd be excited about new items we choose, although perhaps.  I don't know if we should just get everyone cashmere sweaters or kitchen junk and play along in future years or what.  I really want to say that the adults should not exchange gifts, but that means that then everyone just buys for our kids, which seems bad.  Plus, they would probably agree and then just buy anyway...  

kelly321

Awkward. My brother and I agreed maybe two years ago not to get anything for each other anymore. This year, DH and I were surprised to find presents for us from them (brother and SIL)- we hadn't gotten them anything. I hate that feeling, and even though on the one hand it's stupid, I feel so much more comfortable when there are rules ($ limit, clear guidelines on who gives whom presents, etc.). Sigh.

tamarar5

I'm in the same boat as @expatmama‌ with my in-laws, and it's so awkward! It never helps that we are always tight for cash around Christmas. It's terrible that I was actually relieved that we all had the puking flu the weekend of Christmas with my in-laws!

I love @seadragon2013‌ suggestion. Either call, or send a really nice card (bonus on the saving $$if you make it yourself!) and say you would really like to ring in the new year in style with him. Them worker make a meal with his favorite foods, or take him out to a great restaurant. You're really thinking about him, and putting the attention on celebrating him. Great idea!

SidraJedi

I feel like in your shoes I would just keep giving edibles and not worry about going all-out to play along. You put thought into your gifts and that much more important than buying some big gifts that you don't know if they really want or need.

If one day you're out and you see a book or whatever that you know for sure this relative would like you can always call/text to ask if they have it and put it away for Christmas. But aside from that rare circumstance I think you're doing the best thing.

In your shoes I would always get something small/edible though even if that family member says they don't want anything that year.

AFM both sides of our family are total hoarders so we always give homemade edibles. Except for our siblings whom we sometimes give records, movies or clothing/accessories bc sometimes we'll see something we know the sibs or B/SIL would like.