Ugh. (AW alert)

lfaithlove

I am really hoping that this doesn't come across as me being a total brat, but I can't express this anywhere else and I thought maybe someone else out there may get it.

I posted a few weeks ago that my older sister (who had been ttc for three and a half years) was finally pregnant and due just five weeks after us! It is amazing and at first I was nothing but elated, but as time is progressing and now everyone knows about both babies, it's getting really difficult. We come from a big, close family and a small, tight knit community and my sister is one of those people who just naturally draws people in. She is an amazing person so it's understandable that everyone who knows her loves her. But it's been difficult for me my entire life being in her shadow, or at least feeling that way.

My first pregnancy was so difficult because I was completely preoccupied with her feelings (looking back I wish I had been respectful and understanding without gypping myself of the celebration of my child) and also because a handful of family members and friends were literally offended at me for getting pregnant before her, knowing how hard it would be on her. (Even though our baby was a complete surprise).

Now that we are both pregnant people keep saying things like "I am excited for you but more excited for your sister!" (I understand what they mean, since it's her first and such a long-awaited baby) and also people keep saying that they hope we have another boy so that my sis can have "the first granddaughter" since I "already got to give the first grandbaby".

On top of that she is either having a really hard pregnancy or she's just being a drama queen, because she constantly posts on social media and makes a huge deal about every symptom she has and every fit of nauseau. I rarely post anything because a. I'm too busy with a toddler and b. I like to keep my private life private. But because of her being so vocal and me not vocalizing any negatives of pregnancy, people are constantly telling me "your poor sister is just having such a hard time and you're just sailing through!" Like I am yet again the bad guy.

I adore my sister and I am so excited for her. But I feel frustrated with myself, with the stupid people and, of course, a little bit with her because I am tired of the comparison and competition being created by our family and friends. I just want people to be happy for her and happy for me! It can be in different ways, to different extents, but I don't understand why it has to be so divisive and awkward.

I hope I wrote this in a way that doesn't seem knit picky and ridiculous. If I need to snap out of it, I am open to hearing such things. Haha. I really am so happy for my sister. It just makes things hard because everyone seems to be "siding" with her and I don't get why there need to be sides.

We are all getting together tonight for NYE with her entire in-law clan (her baby will be their first grand) and my husband isn't even here to keep me sane. The assenine comments have already begun and sis isn't even here yet... according to my mom (one of the worst culprits of the favoritism crap) my sis is "HUGELY showing" (she's barely 9 weeks pregnant with her first baby. SHE IS BLOATED. No one will believe me when I try to suggest this). And, also according to my mother, she's already having to "waddle" around and cradle her back because of her poor aching body... hopefully some of y'all are getting a glimpse here of what I'm talking about. I'm not saying she isn't having back pain (welcome to the club) or having a rough time... But... It's just all SO overblown and nobody seems to even give me a second thought. She definitely plays it up and when I say "you know most women (myself included) don't show until they are at least in their second trimester!" And she pulls the "well I'm just so much smaller it has no where else to go!" ... I don't care how petite you are (she is really short but we weigh the same) when your baby is the size of a raspberry, it cannot make your belly poke out like that. You just ate a bunch of pizza! (Oops. Sorry, a little bitterness there. Haha I digress.)

This is probably super immature. Sorry and thanks for reading this if you made it all the way!! Haha. You are a trooper. I guess I'm just looking for either some virtual hugs or a slap in the face to get over myself and understand that it doesn't matter what anybody thinks or says. Her kid is special. My kids are special. I probably need to just move on. Haha;)

esampson1983

Feel free to vent- sometimes that helps! I'll think positive thoughts for you tonight as you are with your family. Virtual hugs!!!

finchfeeder80

Good luck, tonight! I get it.I have a few people in my life that always have to one up you and it gets really old and frustrating. I hope you still enjoy yourself tonight and get the new year off to a great start. *hugs*

leenziepops

Oh that's really awful that people were upset at you for getting PG first before your sister. It sounds so unreasonable!
It's meant to be a happy time for the both of you. It's also so special that you are both PG together. Good luck and hopefully the silly comments die down a little.

kemdupuis

Sending virtual hugs your way- I know exactly what you mean, and I think your feelings are completely justified. Just try to stay positive and remember that at the end of all of this, you get to add another LO to your family- and that is so completely amazing and wonderful that nothing else should matter! Good luck tonight, lady!

Stormy61

It sounds like it's just the constant comments from others comparing the pregnancies that is the most irritating! That really sucks. Both my sis in law and sister and pregnant with me and it's awesome to go through it together. Just try to let the comments roll off your back and remember in the end that the two cousins will be lucky to be so close in age and get to grow up together.

Sorry I don't have better advice. I don't think you are being dumb. Some of the comments (like hoping your sis can have the first grand daughter) are very insensitive. Good luck tonight!

kej0004

I can definitely see how frustrating this would be. But, I'm sure people aren't more excited about her baby than yours, they're probably just relieved that it finally worked out for her (and I'm sure you are too!) and it's coming across as more excited.

Y'all can commiserate during pregnancy together and then your kids will have cousins really close in age that can be close growing up. That's awesome!

turtletyme

I don't blame you for feeling like you do. Sounds like you aren't the AW in this scenario. Hugs to you.

mcp6286

I don't blame you. Sounds like your sis is the kind of person who loves the spotlight and is eating up the attention. My sisters are 18 months apart and are very opposite, always being compared. The older, quieter one hates it; little one loves it because she can always make it about her (not afraid to demand attention, sympathy, etc) and our other sis will not challenge her. Favoritism is an ugly monster and hurts no matter how old you are. I don't think you're at all wrong to feel hurt, and I'd just say something simple the next time someone comments, like "I'm super excited for her too but when our pregnancies are compared, it makes me feel a little unimportant. I'm glad we get to be pregnant together and I hope from now on we can all focus on that, not on comparisons between the pregnancies. I just want to celebrate both new lives coming into our family!" Hopefully your family members will be understanding.

lmfs90

I have no idea why but reading this I started to cry like ugly cry. I just want to come hang out with you And be on your side. My pregnancy is making me creepy.

lfaithlove

Thank you all so very much! I appreciated reading these comments so much after just finishing up a semi obnoxious dinner. Haha. Y'all are the best! Thankful for all of you ladies. now just a few hours left before midnight and then I can go to sleep!

matiekae

Sorry your going through this, it seems like such a difficult situation. I wish I had some advice to give you, but all I can do is send creepy Internet hugs your way. Hopefully things will calm down when it's not such new information to everyone.

ksimo6

I think the other posters covered it. Stay focused on that awesome baby you are baking and try to block out the rest. Hugs.

sammyca

Virtual hugs. I feel like I could have written a lot of the same things while pregnant at same time as my much-loved but huge drama queen sister. I really feel for you. The only way I could handle it was by refusing to participate in any comparisons between pregnancies or babies. If she or others started comparing, I just totally withdrew from the conversation. It was awkward at times but seems to have worked eventually.

housewifebecomesher

I agree with PP that you're totally allowed to AW and vent in this situation! I don't have siblings and I spent most of my life wishing I did, so my perspective is a bit different. I think it would be an awesome time to start focusing on your relationship with your sister and the excitement of cousins close in age rather than what other people are saying. I hate to say it but some of these comments and comparisons may continue once you have the babies, so I think building a strong foundation is important now.

I also have to say that if you are the more laid back sister, I'm sure that your sister admires that quality and sometimes wishes she could be as calm, cool and collected as you. She probably looks at you with your toddler and baby bump and thinks "wow, she makes it look so easy!"

Hope your visit goes well!

kyleegail89

I'll tell you this, my sister and I are pregnant and our due dates are 3 days apart. My husband and I tried for 3 years to get pregnant, this pregnancy was a total shock, my sister and her husband only tried for 2-3 months before she got pregnant. This will be the first for both of us.

I understand you being frustrated with other people's comments that are extremely rude and offensive, but I'm sure your sister might also be having that thought that she's finally pregnant after all these years and she has to share her pregnancy with you. That doesn't excuse her being a drama queen or anything like that, but I know there are times when I'm a bit envious that my sister got pregnant so quickly and at the same time as me.

Hopefully you two can understand where each is coming from. And I hope I didn't sound like a bitch or anything, but when you go through infertility and you are finally pregnant and you have to share some of that spotlight, it does suck just a tiny bit!

But my sister is amazeballs, so it's been great so far!

I hope you have a great night

kyleegail89

Side note- I also have 8 other people that are due from May-August that in close with!

OMGTree

Honestly if it were me I would sit down with your mom and tell her point blank what she is doing and how it makes you feel. She may not be aware she is doing it or that it hurts you. If you don't lay down the law about comparisons, it may grow into everyone comparing your children and who does what first. You don't want your baby going over to grandma's house and hearing about how great it's cousin is and why can't it do xxx yet.

Trampslikeus

Uhhhg...  I have a facebook "friend" - just a random chick I went to high school with - who uses social media in that way, and it makes me facepalm/headdesk/eyeroll.  If it were my own sister, I think I might explode.   Hang in there!    Though I'm sure her baby will be "gifted" and "advanced" too...  somehow once people get on the special snowflake train, its pretty hard to derail - but it doesn't mean they're bad people - we all have our quirks.   :P         Just try to keep your eyerolling subtle and feel free to vent here instead of to anyone who could get back to your sister with it.

tinavonsparkle

Being a sister is sometimes very tricky and I can totally empathasise with you. My sisters are my best friends but sometimes they do my absolute nut in! My youngest sister has two beautiful boys who are good as gold. She sailed through her pregnancy and both me and my other sister were there for both births (which she did with just gas & air in a couple of hours). Now I'm pregnant I get comparisons all the time. Apparently I winge more (? I purposely don't!) im going to be terrible in labour, my child will be an ugly baby (because - to be fair - I looked like a hairy baby monkey when I was born) and it will also be a nightmare "screamer" (because I'm the most un-layed back out of the 3 of us). I laugh along (my SO gets really cross sometimes and has started saying things back) but it does make me sad and cross especially when I'm having a bad day. They arnt meaning to be mean, just trying to be funny and I know that it's because the middle sister is a bit jealous that she's the only one without a baby and she can't join in on the pregnancy chat (She's deliberately pushing the "let's both get super fit and skinny in the new year" as a way of excluding me from something in return!)

@mcp6286‌ has great advice, I agree with what she said. But sometimes you just gotta let it go too. If talking to them doesn't work have a special private code/signal with your husband and when a comment is made do the signal to each other and make it into a private joke. Your sister is probabily worried that she's not going to be as great as you. Deep breaths and good luck! x

lwyz

From what I've read it seems to be more what other people are saying than what your sister is doing. As someone who has had a very difficult pregnancy so far it kind of bothers me a lot when people think a woman is being a drama queen about her symptoms. Maybe she is, but maybe she's actually just having a really tough time and you guys could use this as a bonding experience and just ignore everyone else. But yeah, those who are prioritizing her pregnancy are rude and absolutely should be more aware of what they're really saying. People can be so thoughtless.

effthisnoise

The appropriate response to someone who says they're more excited for your sister than you is "Wow, what an unkind thing to say. I don't see why we can't be equally excited for both babies." And to anyone who wants her to have a girl and you to have a boy so she can have the first granddaughter, "You'll have to speak to our husbands since there isn't much either of us can do about the sex of our babies."

I'm so pissed on your behalf.

ohiodoxiemama08

Wow, I just wanted to send you hugs, that sounds like a lot. I know how it can be with sisters. My sister didn't really struggle to conceive but everyone was super shocked that I got pregnant first like I should have "waited" on her. She was clearly jealous of not being able to have the first grandchild and basically ignored DD for the first year of her life until she announced her own pregnancy.  She's a little better now that she has a son but I can't imagine being pregnant at the same time as her.

I just wanted to say I feel for you. And don't be afraid to make your hurt feelings known. You don't have to be mean or bitchy but like PP's have said point out that every pregnancy is different and comparisons are unnecessary. Everyone should just be happy about 2 babies! Hang in there mama.

gingerbabe

Wow. This is not a fun situation for you to be in. I think the only person I would actually say anything to is your mom. Everyone may not realize they are suggesting her pregnancy/baby is more important when they make comments like the ones you mentioned. When it comes to your mom though, she needs to understand what her comments are making you feel. I would talk to her to help prevent you from hating her and your sister and your sister's baby,

This situation totally sucks though. Sorry you have to deal with this.

Edit: I can't write today

GASuzuki

I totally get having a drama queen for a sister. I have one and a drama queen mom. The week of my wedding, my sister and mom told me my mom was moving away from me, leaving me without close family. The week of my college graduation, my sister breaks it to us she is getting married. The day of my law school graduation, she skips it because she ate with friends and couldn't possibly make the dinner! I eventually realized she needs the attention more than I do... Much of it stems from insecurity.

I'm sorry other people are clueless... They shouldn't be saying anyone's pregnancy is more exciting than another's. Really, you're both fortunate to have cousins born in the same year who will grow up together. Many blessings for your family in 2015!

Hang in there, lady! You're always welcome to vent here!