Getting bitter

PhillyGal34

I'm almost 30 weeks. I went to the hospital with ds1 at 31w1d. The closer I get the more bitter I am. I am bitter that I can't let myself enjoy this pregnancy and that I don't feel as connected to my pregnancy this time. I'm bitter that I can't stop wondering if every day is my last day and I'm bitter that this is my last pregnancy (we are only having two) and I don't feel like I can enjoy it. I feel horrible that I'm so bitter and that I'm not being fair to him. I feel connected to the baby but can't let myself think of him because I want to picture him as this perfect healthy boy but he may have a different start like his brother. He was perfect and healthy but I couldn't hold him. I couldn't see him. I am so bitter that I can't let myself picture his birth.


I guess I just needed go get that out. I feel ungrateful if I complain about my blessing but I hope you understand.

direy25

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  I'm already worried that I'm not going to be able to enjoy this pregnancy as well.  Maybe once you get past your son's due date things will get better?  Hugs to you!

PhillyGal34

I hope that when I get past that I'll feel better. I think I will but the next few weeks are going to be tough. We have another u/s at 31 weeks so I'm excited to see him doing well. Maybe that will help.

paradebegone

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. But it totally sounds like how I expect to be feeling at some point. I'm trying to stay positive but it is so difficult some days. I agree with PP though, maybe after you are past DS' date, you will feel better. I hope things progress positively and he hangs in there for you.

MinaE01

I totally know how you're feeling. I tried so hard to focus on the positive: I was still pregnant. Each additional week I stayed pregnant meant one less week in the NICU. I enjoyed each day that I was pregnant because I knew that it could be my last.

I don't think it's fair for you to assume that you're going to be gipped out of a healthy, full-term baby boy. You are being monitored closely, and you are alert for warning signs. You are doing everything you can to make sure that baby stays in. So far, everything is going well. You just need to hope for the best because that's all you can do (besides take care of yourself). I'm guessing when you get over the 31 week hump you will relax a little. I sure did! I still had another preemie but barely (36w). While I wish I would've gone full term but he's happy and healthy and that's all that matters in the end.

FWIW - I thought I connected with my baby - I was convinced I was having a girl. When they said he was a boy I was in total shock. It took me a few days to get used to it. I felt like I lost this girl baby that I had come to know. I love him to pieces now, and you will love the heck out of your little squish, too!

flerlgirl

Hugs. I think this is totally normal. It's hard to feel connected when you're worrying so much. You are doing awesome!

mmooki

I felt the same way... I had to get past 33 +3. And then I figured every day was a gift.. 1 extra day inside meant 2-3 less days in the nicu. Of course this lil guy decided to come early as well and we ended up with another (shorter) nicu stay. Hang in there mama and I'll keep my fingers crossed you have a full term baby this time!

PhillyGal34

Why don't these kids just listen to us @mmooki‌ ??

PhillyGal34

I just had my 30w5d check up. Everything looked great. My BP was perfect, heart rate was great, lost .5 lbs (not sure how. All this boy wants are cheeseburgers). We have an u/s tomorrow. I'll update afterward!

punky917

I agree with everyone that it is totally normal for you to feel the way you do. I was also feeling the same-and to some degree even now when I see pg people who can just walk around and do whatever they want later in the pregnancy since I was on BR for 16 weeks. I felt like I was able to breath a little bit better after 34 weeks and I tried to stay as optimistic as I could. However, every day was a struggle for me to do that. I was able to connect with DD immediately after birth since everything was so easy compared to a 26weeker! You're doing a great job, @PhillyGal34!

PhillyGal34

Tomorrow is the day. I just keep telling myself I just have to get through tomorrow and then every day is a blessing. I know I still have many weeks to get through but this is milestone one

supgabs

I am so sorry you have not enjoyed your pregnancy. For the majority of my pregnancy we knew something was wrong and I actually found myself trying to distance my feelings for the baby.

One of the reasons I decided to be one and done was because I don't want to worry at every little thing for 9-10 months. My baby is doing awesome but I am still very bitter about how my pregnancy turned out. I found talking to someone I trust and connect with really helps (a social worker at the hospital I get treatment).

I hope you are able look past your first pregnancy and are able to enjoy the remainder of your pregnancy.

PhillyGal34

I wanted to update this for anyone in this position or wondering. I'm now 33w2days and I feel so much better. Things are going well and I feel more "normal". We are putting together ds1's big boy room which feels ironic because this is when I would have been doing his nursery. It wasn't by design but I think it's kind of therapeutic.

Then we will work on the nursery which we aren't changing much but the baby will be in our room for a while anyway so I'm not too worried about that :-)