I'm almost 30 weeks. I went to the hospital with ds1 at 31w1d. The closer I get the more bitter I am. I am bitter that I can't let myself enjoy this pregnancy and that I don't feel as connected to my pregnancy this time. I'm bitter that I can't stop wondering if every day is my last day and I'm bitter that this is my last pregnancy (we are only having two) and I don't feel like I can enjoy it. I feel horrible that I'm so bitter and that I'm not being fair to him. I feel connected to the baby but can't let myself think of him because I want to picture him as this perfect healthy boy but he may have a different start like his brother. He was perfect and healthy but I couldn't hold him. I couldn't see him. I am so bitter that I can't let myself picture his birth.
I guess I just needed go get that out. I feel ungrateful if I complain about my blessing but I hope you understand.
Re: Getting bitter
I totally know how you're feeling. I tried so hard to focus on the positive: I was still pregnant. Each additional week I stayed pregnant meant one less week in the NICU. I enjoyed each day that I was pregnant because I knew that it could be my last.
I don't think it's fair for you to assume that you're going to be gipped out of a healthy, full-term baby boy. You are being monitored closely, and you are alert for warning signs. You are doing everything you can to make sure that baby stays in. So far, everything is going well. You just need to hope for the best because that's all you can do (besides take care of yourself). I'm guessing when you get over the 31 week hump you will relax a little. I sure did! I still had another preemie but barely (36w). While I wish I would've gone full term but he's happy and healthy and that's all that matters in the end.
FWIW - I thought I connected with my baby - I was convinced I was having a girl. When they said he was a boy I was in total shock. It took me a few days to get used to it. I felt like I lost this girl baby that I had come to know. I love him to pieces now, and you will love the heck out of your little squish, too!
I'm not new. I just hate The Bump.
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Then we will work on the nursery which we aren't changing much but the baby will be in our room for a while anyway so I'm not too worried about that :-)