I guess I just can't understand why parents would give up on their kids... im sorry to have offended some of you. I didn't mean it the way it came out. I suppose I'm bitter right now that they can have kids and give up and I can't.
Hugs. Everyone had different burdens to bear. Often mental illness & poverty can really making parenting hard. It's never easy until you try to put yourself in another's shoes vs. Trying to demonize the other half of the coin.
I do know what it's like. You don't know what I've gone through. And I guess in my mind I don't know why my mom would have me and I'd hate to think she was encouraged to have a baby she didn't want to parent.
Are you sure she didn't want to parent?
Isn't it better, for you, if a parent who doesn't want to or cannot parent allows a child to be brought up elsewhere?
Sure, it hurts to think that a mother (or father) would voluntarily give up their babies. After having children I'm 100% certain that it's not a non-chalant, "I just don't feel like it" type thing. It could be any one of a number of valid reasons that a parent chooses not to continue parenting. Just because you choose not to agree with those reasons doesn't make you wrong & the mothers that are accidentally pregnant etc. bad people.
You are over-simplifying I think. Child abuse is a cycle & there are victims in the entire cycle. I dislike the thought that because my mother chose not to feed us & left us unattended for days to party-- that that dooms me to be a bad mother in your eyes?
That's not fair to the moms struggling (my bio-mom was a drug addict & mentally ill) & the kids that want to be good parents in the future.
I understand you are hurting & feeling upset that you are still waiting to get pregnant. I'm sorry for your struggles, but don't minimize or demonize another mother's or father's life experience because you are having a tough time.
So anyone that makes a mistake at any point in their life is disqualified to parent? I'm really baffled. You have to be a perfect human being with a pristine history to be able to procreate, is that it?
What? No. I meant the situation of the others trying to get pregnant while the one who wasn't trying did, and it's frustrating. "That's what I'm talking about"
What? No. I meant the situation of the others trying to get pregnant while the one who wasn't trying did, and it's frustrating. "That's what I'm talking about"
Oh I see. I apologize that I misunderstood. I thought there was value judgement attached.
Trying or not-- it's all one crazy luck of the draw. Sometimes those not prepared get the pregnancy & sometimes those trying don't get it at all. There is no obvious way to look at it & being frustrated only brings you down. You can't assign logic or try to random shit in the universe. You'll drive yourself mad.
Too often those waiting or denied the thing they want most-- go on to demonize, dehumanize & lash out at a person/people that have what they want at this time. Pain makes people do crazy things. I get it-- but I think it's unfair to everyone.
I don't know if it makes you feel any better but I find some of the decision-making processes involved in these situations to be baffling. I find it incredibly hard to credit that some people don't use (or have knowledge of) any form of birth control and purposefully take the risk if they truly would be upset by a pregnancy. I have never been so caught in the moment that I came to the conclusion that I wanted unprotected sex more than I wanted to not be pregnant.
I wouldn't call it jealousy but it's really hard to wrap my mind around, especially if I know the person in question is usually rational.
------
BC can fail. I had an accidental pregnancy after the condom came off and the plan B pill failed.
ETA now that I've read the thread. My blood is boiling. So many fucking high horses. You don't know situations. Fucking just fucking don't.
---
True, no birth control is 100% effective even with perfect use, but I'm not referring to those situations. I'm thinking of people who knowingly take risks after skipping a pill here or there, or simply not bothering with a condom, etc.
In response to all this foster care talk, I also work for DFS of my state. We never call people unfit parents. We only say we remove children for their safety and at the time their conditions were unsafe. I've had parents do a 180 and receive their children back. I've also had parents eventually have their rights terminated and their children adopted. And our goal when children first come into care is always always always reunification. We do have many parents who fail at their service agreement (what they agree to do to gain their children back) for a variety of reasons. Some is mental health, others is just lack of progress or laziness. Or the unwillingness to change. Even so, if they're not making progress, it takes 15 months of no progress to even start to bring up TPR (termination of parental rights).
I specifically work in investigations, so I'm the one that enters the home initially and assesses the situation and possibly removes the children. We have very low standards for living conditions and we must have 51% or higher of proof to prove their was abuse or neglect. So, children don't get removed as often as you think. And a lot of times, I have a hunch there is drug use or abuse happening but I cannot prove it so I must close my report as unsubstantiated. So, after all this rambling, to say that those who have had their children removed are unfit or unwilling to care for them is a very sweeping statement. Every single situation and family is different and we must treat each case with care and individuality. And we ALWAYS do everything we can to reunite the families.
Lol I didn't want to imply that you couldn't read your own chart. But I'm thinking people with longer cycles are less likely to over analyze lateness and assess their pregnancy risk as lower than it actually is. That's my conjecture though.
But see, that's the thing- if it was just the fact that I had long cycles, I would have assessed my pregnancy risk as higher, and more than likely would have gotten on BC. But there were other factors at play besides just the fact that I had long cycles.
Not you, specifically. That's why I asked if I were you I wouldn't have expected anything either!
I think you can still feel things like hurt and jealousy, even when you know that it's not right or fair to feel that way. I remember several years ago being absolutely devastated when my sister got engaged while I was in the middle of a very messy and painful divorce. I had no right to feel that way because I love my sister and her fiance (now husband) very much, but I was not emotionally in a place where I could celebrate their joy the way I wanted to. I knew I was selfish for feeling that way, and I definitely did not impose my own pain on them, but privately, I fell apart for a couple of weeks while I processed everything. Emotions can be crazy sometimes, especially when you need an outlet. Exercise is helpful for that because it can be so much easier to deal with physical challenges than mental. OP, I hope you are able to work through this and provide the support for your friend and cousin that they may need for their own situations.
- I was initially devastated when I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant in December 2012. We had just decided to put TTC on hold because of a big move. My brother is not always the best decision maker and there had been a lot of tension in my family caused by his financial issues. My sister-in-law also has a lot of health issues and was immediately deemed high risk. -Fast forward to December 2014. My niece is an adorable, about to be 18 month old squishy face. She was born 6 weeks early and diagnosed with IVA. Her time in the NICU brought my family closer and I couldn't imagine not having her in my life.
Re: Vent
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Isn't it better, for you, if a parent who doesn't want to or cannot parent allows a child to be brought up elsewhere?
Sure, it hurts to think that a mother (or father) would voluntarily give up their babies. After having children I'm 100% certain that it's not a non-chalant, "I just don't feel like it" type thing. It could be any one of a number of valid reasons that a parent chooses not to continue parenting. Just because you choose not to agree with those reasons doesn't make you wrong & the mothers that are accidentally pregnant etc. bad people.
You are over-simplifying I think. Child abuse is a cycle & there are victims in the entire cycle. I dislike the thought that because my mother chose not to feed us & left us unattended for days to party-- that that dooms me to be a bad mother in your eyes?
That's not fair to the moms struggling (my bio-mom was a drug addict & mentally ill) & the kids that want to be good parents in the future.
I understand you are hurting & feeling upset that you are still waiting to get pregnant. I'm sorry for your struggles, but don't minimize or demonize another mother's or father's life experience because you are having a tough time.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
Trying or not-- it's all one crazy luck of the draw. Sometimes those not prepared get the pregnancy & sometimes those trying don't get it at all. There is no obvious way to look at it & being frustrated only brings you down. You can't assign logic or try to random shit in the universe. You'll drive yourself mad.
Too often those waiting or denied the thing they want most-- go on to demonize, dehumanize & lash out at a person/people that have what they want at this time. Pain makes people do crazy things. I get it-- but I think it's unfair to everyone.
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
True, no birth control is 100% effective even with perfect use, but I'm not referring to those situations. I'm thinking of people who knowingly take risks after skipping a pill here or there, or simply not bothering with a condom, etc.
I specifically work in investigations, so I'm the one that enters the home initially and assesses the situation and possibly removes the children. We have very low standards for living conditions and we must have 51% or higher of proof to prove their was abuse or neglect. So, children don't get removed as often as you think. And a lot of times, I have a hunch there is drug use or abuse happening but I cannot prove it so I must close my report as unsubstantiated. So, after all this rambling, to say that those who have had their children removed are unfit or unwilling to care for them is a very sweeping statement. Every single situation and family is different and we must treat each case with care and individuality. And we ALWAYS do everything we can to reunite the families.
My Chart
Not you, specifically. That's why I asked
My brother is not always the best decision maker and there had been a lot of tension in my family caused by his financial issues. My sister-in-law also has a lot of health issues and was immediately deemed high risk.
-Fast forward to December 2014. My niece is an adorable, about to be 18 month old squishy face. She was born 6 weeks early and diagnosed with IVA. Her time in the NICU brought my family closer and I couldn't imagine not having her in my life.