nbr WWYD Older Child Lying

tamarar5

DD1 is lying about things. Dumb things. Like talking the clean dishes out of the dish washer before loading the dirty, or putting clean underwear on every day. I feel like a broken record harping on what telling a lie is and how we know it's a lie, and lying being wrong. I just don't know what to do about it any more.

I feel like she should clearly know what a lie is because we have had so many discussions about it— after discovering that she has lied. She knows we have consequences about lying, and I try to be completely consistent about punishments, but clearly it's either not sinking in, or she just doesn't care.

What do I do? Is my child going to be a pathological liar? Is this genetic? Her sperm donor was such a lying liar that I don't think he would know the truth if it bit him in the a$$. Not one thing he ever told me was true. Im worried about her turning into that. What do I do?

tamarar5

She's 7, almost 8, @Sterling13‌. And I was only partially kidding. Her bio donor was a pathological liar. As in I later discovered he had actual diagnosable mental problems. Some issues are genetic. I legit did not know if pathological lying was one of them, or if-as in her bio donor's case— is it a symptom of other problems.

Edit because my phone thinks some problems are generic...

ggatlanta

I assume it's a symptom of a problem and not a problem standing alone - which means you must figure out why she's lying. There is no shortcut - you have to stop everything the minute you even SUSPECT a lie and gently (without irritation) ask her how she is feeling about (whatever she didn't do / did wrong / did late). Use open-ended questions like, "how did you feel when I asked you whether you brushed your teeth?" She will say, "fine," but keep at it with stuff like, "I am worried you told a lie, so I wondered if you felt bad or upset when I asked about your teeth - after all, you don't lie when I ask something pleasant like whether you want a cookie..."

She will probably avoid the question because she doesn't know how to explain feelings of anxiety or failure or guilt. But keep after it, do it every day, as often as you can, and she will lead herself to the answer, and gradually it will get better.

Also... I think you should stop comparing her in your head to her "sperm donor". I believe you are mistaken if you think she is not smart enough to pick up on the fact that, a) you don't like him, and b), she reminds you of him, thereby reaching the logical conclusion for a 7 year old that you don't like HER. Obviously that's not really true, but she's smart enough to make the connection and yet too immature to realize that despite any shortcomings you think she is wonderful and wouldn't change her a bit.

There is no substitute for giving her your full attention when these teaching moments pop up. Obviously you are super busy with a new baby and everything, so I can imagine that'll be difficult, but I can guarantee it'll work if you keep at it as much as you can. Good luck!

tamarar5

Thanks everyone. I feel far more in control of myself today. I say down with C and we had yet another discussion about lying and why it's wrong. I'm sure we haven't seen the end of the problem, but I feel so much better knowing that this is normal.

draeray

My 8 almost 9 year old lies about everything even if it is super small. He has been doing it for a couple years and it drive us super crazy and we haven't found anything to stop it.