Please help - freaking out a little

olp920

Our first foster placement got here yesterday. He's so smart. He was was clearly upset about sleeping here. He's only 2.

I'm having a small freak out that we won't be able to attach to and love him just like our son, who is also 2.

It's making me feel sick and withdrawn from him... Which makes me feel more sick because he's lost and needs parents to love on him. He hasn't even been here 24 hours yet, so I know we need to give it more time and get to know him.

Has anyone here had this reaction? How long do you give yourself to love a little boy. He's going to be free to adopt soon, but has to live with us for 6 months at least before we can be considered.

I'm having trouble spitting out all my feelings. Just havin a LOT of feelings and they are mostly negative.

oliv0026

well, you cant really love someone at first sight, you dont even know him yet. Maybe you are expecting too much from yourself. Also you cant expect him to be thrilled and love you right away either. Dont forget he lost his family and has no clue of what is going on and who the heck you are! Give some time so you get to know each other and then you can learn to love each other. Just give him space and also the attention he needs

bumpuser794640

I haven't done foster care yet, but our son came to us at almost 7 months. Nights were the worst, especially because he would wake up and not recognize anything or anyone, and he would panic. After a few days he settled in and things got much better. I questioned how well I was bonding for a a while, but one day it just clicked that he was mine. That will be a little different for you, but I think you will find you live him just as much. Hang in there and know we are here for you!

Rachel7181981

No experience but don't let the guilt take over.  I can bet almost everyone would think the way you are! Hugs!

olp920

I'm afraid to be left alone with him (not safety, just feel like I'm not the caregiver). I called his case worker and asked that they come visit before Friday, as originally planned. She's coming out tomorrow. I feel awful about everything. Just know this isn't right.

oliv0026

There was one exercise we had in our class for FTA that I never forgot about and helped me to create realistic expectations when meeting my children for the first time and I want to share here.

We were in a room with about 30 couples. The SW had us stand up and go sit with someone we had never seen or talked to before. We did it ( my husband was lost and ended up staying in the same place, I went towards the back and the first thing I did was to look where he was).

Then Whoever was closer to the window had to stand the hand towards the wall and whoever was closer to the wall had to stand the hand towards the window. We ended up touching "someone`s" hand. Then we had to hold the hand of that person and look at their perfil, study them, see if they look alright and they had to do the same ( I will tell ya, it was weird). Then we had to hug each other and say I love you. Guess how many of us were able to do that? Not many. We were more like "Hell no! I dont know this person and I would be cheating my partner"

Now that was just an exercise and I felt horrible. I couldnt wait until I could go back to my comfortable place with my DH. 

The point of that exercise was to show that even though we are very excited to have our new child come into our family, non of us will be hugging and full of I love yous right away. This is just like any other relationship. It takes time to grow into love. 

You cant compare the love you have to your first son with the love you have to this new son of your right now because you have known your son for 2 years. You already have a relationship of mother and son with him but you havent had that with your new son. This is harder than adopting a baby because they have more of personality, reactions, and words. You need to be patient and give time to build your relationship with this new little boy and earn his trust. 

Remember, he has no idea of who you are yet. 

olp920

packerfan4life said:

@olp920‌ - How are you feeling about things today? Hope you guys are settling in and things are going okay

Not good. I'm embarrassed and feeling guilty/depressed about how things are. I appreciate you checking in, though - thank you.

Dr.Loretta

I agree with Spooko. It's OK to talk about your feelings, even if you're negative. And while I've never been in your shoes, it's perfectly normal not to bond immediately. Heck, we adopted DD at 2 days old and I wasn't all gooey over her for a while.

olp920

You're right, I am being vague because it seems like everyone here has had foster/adoptions that worked out, and I've already had to decide that we can't do this... I'm judging me hard, so I know you all will too. Honestly, who wouldn't.

I freaked out, had thoughts and feelings like I just couldn't mother this boy and I had to get as far away as possible. Like shaking/crying freak out. My husband has been parenting alone because I can't do it. I feel like I put my family and this little boy through a roller coaster of emotions and pain for no reason other than good intentions.

On top of that, my son has never looked so heartbroken. He doesn't understand the change and he isn't dealing well. Just another reason I can't do this.

I really wanted this. I don't know what happened. He is going to a new home tomorrow. I hope it's with parents who are prepared and experienced.

olp920

I'm not looking for anyone to react with 'it's ok, this is normal', because I know it's not.

olp920

I'm surprised by the reaction I had. I've never felt anything like it before. Like I was rejecting it all.

The case worker mentioned taking some time to think and maybe doing respite care for infants to start. She says it's less commitment and there's not an overwhelming personality of a toddler. I don't know if I can/should try this again though. I can't do this to a second kid.

Rachel7181981

I would have reacted this same way, guaranteed.  I am an anxious person, just reading about your scenario nearly gave me a panic attack.  For me, there is no way I could handle foster placement OR a toddler.  I am so glad you let the caseworker know you couldn't handle it, someone will be a good fit for the little boy.  It is sad for him, but you need to let yourself off the hook,  You aren't anyone's savior.  I were you, Id go have a little hangout session with a counselor, its so nice talking to someone on the outside. Hugs. 

Rachel7181981

Also wanted to add that I think a boy the same age as your son could not have been a tougher fit...and around the holidays when the pressure to be happy is so high.  I am looking to adopt a newborn girl just because I have a preschool boy and want to compare the two as little as possible.  I really hope you know you did nothing wrong. 

oliv0026

I am sorry you feel this way. Think positive! At least you recognized that was not for you and you were able to let him go to another family before he was attached to you or vice verse, then it would be harder. Also, this is an opportunity for you to know what you actually want and can handle so you can go a different route next time.  Taking some time to think about foster to adopt, thinking about what your expectations are and what you need would be a great idea! And no, we are not here to judge, we are here to support you. Non of us are perfect and I am pretty sure, at some point on this journey, all of us had or will have doubts and panics we had or will have  to deal with. Dont be so hard on yourself!

olp920

Thank you all for being so kind and supportive. It was hard enough verbalizing that to my husband and the case workers, let alone a website full of strangers. You're a very special group.

My resource worker has been on vacation since last week. She will be back Monday, I'm hoping she will be as understanding.

perumom

I hope you know it took a lot of courage to say this is not what is best for this child and my family. There are many who would settle in a situation like this just for the fear of judgement.  The decision was quick and the little one will transition to his next home without trauma.  The truth is you are judging yourself harshly.  I don't think I would have made the decision as quickly as you did and I think it took courage.  Hugs to you and your family!

MaybeMommies

OP- ygpm