Wanting to have a baby is selfish?

ipumpkin

Errghh....I'm dealing with a co-worker that is a little too vocal about her opinions and, in her eyes...never wrong.

Let me start off by saying she is adopted. Which is fine, there is nothing wrong with adoption. I have nothing against it and think that every child should have an opportunity to be part of a loving, caring family that biological parents may not have been able to or wanted to provide....

However, she doesn't feel the same about people wanting to start a family of their own. She is an advocate for adoption (That's cool. I like people like that)....BUT! She believes that starting a family, as in, giving birth, is selfish. WHAT??

Let me add also, this is a conversation that was brought up in a group before my BFP and continued throughout workdays, for whatever reason. She does not have interest in giving birth, and should she ever decide to have children she wants to adopt. Now that I've dropped the bomb on everyone at work, I'm getting these negative vibes and snarky BS from her....

She asked, why I wanted to do that? I gave her my responses to which she replied, "all of those started with 'I' or 'we' and that is selfish."

My Responses: I want to be a mother. I want to experience giving birth. Because it's natural. Because it's instinctual. BECAUSE I FUCKING WANT TO!  Why isn't that a good enough answer? Not to mention...it's too late now, damage is done, sweet cheeks!

 

FTR, this isn't something I walk around with all day talking about or gloating or any of that shit. TBH I sit in my cube all day and wait for the day to be over, so on the occasional occasion that I do leave my desk, I have to deal with getting into a conversation about how selfish I am. Because there are so many other children that need homes, and why bring another child into this evil over populated world, ect...ect....

 

What I'd like to know is this:

 

Why do YOU want to have babies?

How would you handle this?

 

This is really taking me off guard because I usually think of myself as a very giving person. Selfish is the last thing I'd describe myself as...

 

Thanks!

ipumpkin

emmyg65 said:

I'd ignore her. She sounds like a piece of work.

Dunno why I want to have a baby; I just do. It's not particularly rational. But I think the idea of helping create a new human and then gently guiding that human into becoming an adult is wicked cool.

If only ignoring her was an option. Not only do I have to come into constant contact with her daily as part of our jobs, not even an, " I do not wish to discuss this further, " ends it. Annoying as fuck, really. Even in passing ( of course her desk is on the way to the only bathroom - and I make frequent trips there. >=\ ) she makes cute little comments and I do try to ignore those, but I'm not going to lie, I'm not a person that stays tight lipped for long...If you're pissing me off, it is going to be clear...and I don't really want to lose my shit at work. Lol.

ipumpkin

MauiBliss said:

JGERWERT said:

emmyg65 said:

I'd ignore her. She sounds like a piece of work.

Dunno why I want to have a baby; I just do. It's not particularly rational. But I think the idea of helping create a new human and then gently guiding that human into becoming an adult is wicked cool.

If only ignoring her was an option. Not only do I have to come into constant contact with her daily as part of our jobs, not even an, " I do not wish to discuss this further, " ends it. Annoying as fuck, really. Even in passing ( of course her desk is on the way to the only bathroom - and I make frequent trips there. >=\ ) she makes cute little comments and I do try to ignore those, but I'm not going to lie, I'm not a person that stays tight lipped for long...If you're pissing me off, it is going to be clear...and I don't really want to lose my shit at work. Lol.

So ask to have a meeting with your ombuds or an HR person between yourself and this coworker, explain that it makes you uncomfortable, and then move on. 

This may be the next step. I was hoping to try and avoid the HR department, (the whole company I work for is crooked and well, that's a whole other story)...

 

Thanks everyone. I also see her point in that it is selfish, and it probably is but I'm a grown ass woman and I can do what I want, so I don't understand why she has to be all Negative Nancy. I know there is no way to change a person or their feelings and opinions usually, but this great debate is just getting on my nerves. It's cool - she doesn't have to be happy or excited or even GAF for all I care, but don't degrade me and call me selfish because I'm going to be having a baby.

kpaulson2014

I feel like I would try to put an end to it peacefully. Maybe tell her you respect her point of view and that while you have a differing one you would like her to respect your choice. Something like that to try and put the conversation to an end for good. Good luck that can't be easy!

[Deleted User]

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ipumpkin

I agree with all of you. Thanks so much for the suggestions.

I would have thought, "Because we fuckin' want to," is sufficient and would sum it all up, but it clearly isn't so I appreciate everyone's input.

HaruhiChan

If nothing works, start questioning HER for personal choices (ie. Why she eats a particular food--vegetables equals farming which equals a lot of habitat loss for animals, so that could be selfish, going from her perspective for example).

Then again, may seem more passive aggressive, but may be worth it to shut her up, since clearly that's not her place to make judgment on you.

If she's the kind of person who thinks natural things are selfish, then perhaps she should rethink living in a home instead of out in nature, or maybe foraging for her own food rather than buying it from a store or farming it.

Seems she's the kind of person who cherry-picks her issues, unless she really DOES live in the woods and forage berries... :P

It's natural to want your own children. Regardless of "selfish" reasons.

Who knows, maybe she has some issue herself with being able to have children that she doesn't share and is lashing out against that. Either way, it's not proper behaviour.

ipumpkin

@HaruhiChan - I like your argument there! Why live in a house and waste such precious materials...wood...water...ect? Why use modern conveniences such as smartphones/TV/other electronic.  Because you can. The same reason I'm going to have a kid. 'Cause I can.

I like where this is going! 

nocatanywhere

Everyone else pretty much covered it, but yeah, I'm in the "I've made my position clear and I don't want to talk about this with you; you're making me uncomfortable" camp, plus escalating to HR if she continues to be a jerk. Might want to look up your company policy on workplace harassment for extra leverage if need be. If your office really is shady and they won't hear you out, then that sucks and I'm sorry. Might want to start keeping dated records of the occurrences if that's the case. And make sure you clearly request that she stop.

MrsCarroll.6-10-07

I would ask her if it's so selfish has she had her tubes tied just in case to make sure she never gets pregnant? She sounds like a piece of a work and you cannot get anywhere with this. I agree with the others @haruhichan to be selfish in those ways? She works to make money, she's selfish to want those things. Good luck with her. You could file a harrassment abuse complaint against her about feeling unsafe in the work place. 

DorkyMama

"Just as it's your choice to adopt, it's my choice to get pregnant."

OP, I'm getting angry for you. I couldn't deal with that shit at all, and I hope she learns to shut the hell up. And... as much as I hate to jump on the HR train... I wouldn't blame you for bringing this up to your office's HR department.

Whitfry

I had something similar happen. When a friend of mine found out I was pregnant she started going off on how she would never bring a child into this world because overpopulation/adoption/having a biological child is selfish... Etc etc.

I know her circumstances, and know that she used to really want to have children. But her life choices have made that an unlikely option for her, and her wife is strongly opposed to the idea of being a parent. So I'm pretty sure she has fed herself those lines in an effort to convince herself she's never wanted children in the first place.

Regardless, it's annoying when people won't shut up about someone else's choices. She doesn't need to agree with you, but she needs to be respectful of your decisions and keep her stupid mouth shut. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Selfish or not, it's nobody else's business whether we choose to have kids or not.

nocatanywhere

Don't feel bad for going to HR, yo. I mean obviously you shouldn't ever cry wolf or be unreasonable, but women are VERY OFTEN made to feel they're overreacting or making a big deal out of nothing when they are in fact in a hostile work environment. If this coworker is repeatedly snarking at you or trying to engage you in "debate" about your choice to be pregnant after you've said you're done and don't want to talk about it with her, it's harassment. It's very possible that nothing will happen, but you'll at least have a trail.

sschwege

Here's what I don't understand, if everyone agreed with her and stopped having babies and only adopted, wouldn't that mean there wouldn't be any children left to adopt?  Secondly adoption is not as simple as she is making it out to be, it is often very costly, can take years and in the end you might not end up with a baby/child anyway.  She's off her rocker!

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divinemsbee

"Because, fuck you, that's why." Totally legit reason. (ETA, not a TOU violation since I'm talking about the co-worker, right?)

I feel that would not go over well in a work environment, but that's what I'd be thinking. I got a looooot of stuff like this when H and I started having troubles getting pregnant and were starting to look into ART. A lot. And it's annoying as hell. I agree that I'd give her a couple of days more of changing the subject and then go to HR and/or your manager.

ipumpkin

ladycersei said:

I have nothing else to add besides stating my opinion that your coworker is a major douche canoe.

Yes, yes she is! Lol

ipumpkin

DorkyMama said:

"Just as it's your choice to adopt, it's my choice to get pregnant."

OP, I'm getting angry for you. I couldn't deal with that shit at all, and I hope she learns to shut the hell up. And... as much as I hate to jump on the HR train... I wouldn't blame you for bringing this up to your office's HR department.

Thanks. I've had that discussion with her too. Everyone has their own decisions and that's how the world works....like I said, Never wrong and everyone should be just like her and have her beliefs or you're wrong. That's what is annoying me the most. I want nothing more than for her to just understand that but who knows, if it continues more than I can handle the HR Route I may attempt to go... We will see though, I'd like to avoid them since they're douchbags as well.

Thanks everyone for the input and thoughts and suggestions. We shall see what happens tomorrow....

abookworm

I have close friends who sat on adoption waiting lists for 6 years, waiting and waiting. The cost for a child through public adoption was $20,000 per child and through private adoption was $40,000 per child. They gave up and did IVF with donor embryos and will do it again for subsequent children.

sandrabrooke

I agree with all prior posters too.  Maybe this is selfish, but I think that maybe if I can raise a child with good values, they will make a good contribution to society.  No guarantees of course, but that would be a less selfish reason for having kids.

GirlOnTheBeach

For what it's worth, DH and I were starting the adoption process when I got pregnant with this one. We were trying to adopt an older child with special needs from the foster system.

The local agency was such a pain in the butt and dragged their feet. They basically told us, "oh you want to adopt... That's nice... We're busy so talk to us in 6 months to a year when we have openings for MAPP classes."

We took the classes elsewhere and the response was, "you'll have to retake them with us at our convenience because that's our policy."

Our reason for not adopting at this time? Adoption was feeling too impossible!

PrimRoseMama

I'd go the "why ever would you ask me that?" Route. If she persists, "I suppose you have a point. Do you know if the printer is out of ink?"

The side comments are just petty BS. I would just do my best to turn the tables a bit. Focus the conversation back on her some,"but enough about me & my choices! How are you doing today?"

I am a child of adoption, but I still love having children. She's allowed to feel however she feels for herself-- but she needs to can it when trying to tell others how to live theirs.

kcebeling

When people overreact to things, it's usually about them, not you. She obviously wants you to adopt to validate that SHE was a wanted child after all. It's pretty sad when you think about it. You're kind not to mess with her though. I'd be using that old roll dodge from lacrosse and saying things like "are you still talking?"

ipumpkin

O-M-G. You are not even going to freakin' believe this....

I came into work today. She's not here.

SHE QUIT. Got a new job elsewhere. (BYE FELICIA)

Not even a 2 weeks notice.

Just when this could have started to get fun.

I guess that solves the issue.

 

Lol, smh.... thanks everyone - I appreciate all you've said!

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ipumpkin

ladycersei said:

O-M-G. You are not even going to freakin' believe this....

I came into work today. She's not here.

SHE QUIT. Got a new job elsewhere. (BYE FELICIA)

Not even a 2 weeks notice.

Just when this could have started to get fun.

I guess that solves the issue.

 

Lol, smh.... thanks everyone - I appreciate all you've said!

LOL! My Morning is complete!!

DorkyMama

JGERWERT said:

O-M-G. You are not even going to freakin' believe this....

I came into work today. She's not here.

SHE QUIT. Got a new job elsewhere. (BYE FELICIA)

Not even a 2 weeks notice.

Just when this could have started to get fun.

I guess that solves the issue.

 

Lol, smh.... thanks everyone - I appreciate all you've said!

I'm so relieved for you!

ipumpkin

DorkyMama said:

JGERWERT said:

O-M-G. You are not even going to freakin' believe this....

I came into work today. She's not here.

SHE QUIT. Got a new job elsewhere. (BYE FELICIA)

Not even a 2 weeks notice.

Just when this could have started to get fun.

I guess that solves the issue.

 

Lol, smh.... thanks everyone - I appreciate all you've said!

I'm so relieved for you!

Thanks! Me too! It was just getting on my nerves. Usually, I'm up for debates and little arguments and things like that but, why do I need to justify to someone else why I want to have a baby, instead of adopt...why do I need to defend myself? I don't, and I know that and I don't have to deal with it at all anymore, thankfully.
Now I'm just concerned about who I pass all my bitch work to. LOL JUST KIDDING.

housdenholly

I'm generally not an advocate for whining to HR over the slightest thing that upsets me; however, if she is constantly letting her opinion be known and will not leave you alone about it, I would contact HR and let them know you're being harrassed. It's none of her business.

Or punch her in the ovaries. Up to you.

ipumpkin

housdenholly said:

I'm generally not an advocate for whining to HR over the slightest thing that upsets me; however, if she is constantly letting her opinion be known and will not leave you alone about it, I would contact HR and let them know you're being harrassed. It's none of her business.

Or punch her in the ovaries. Up to you.

Punching her in the ovaries sounds like the most reasonable solution.... to me anyway LOL. Oh well, she gone.

[Deleted User]

Ehh, just leave it alone. I wouldn't talk about that subject anymore with her. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, whether you think they're nuts or not!

It's funny because I used to say I didn't want kids, ever. A guy I worked with used to call me selfish for saying that, lol. 

courtparish

She sounds just lovely to work with...but I want to have a baby for many of your same reasons. I wanted to make and raise a little human that is the perfect mix of my husband and I. Your reasons for wanting to have a baby are none of her business. Just try to ignore her negativity and don't let her bring bad feelings into this happy time in your life

ConversationFear

My husband used to always say, "People have children for the purpose of raising a human being that is better than the people they hate."

This girl you work with is certainly giving you something to reach for!

mandymolnar

Well this is my third child. I wanted to have this baby because I had my first 2 when I was really young with a man who was never right for me. I want to have a child with the man I love. I want to combine our family with a child that belongs to both of us. I don't feel it is selfish to bring a child into the world is is only natural and you owe her no excuses.

CaliforniaDream87

DaisyBlinks said:

I'd ignore her. Like literally tune her out when she's even talking about it. Think about my dinner plans instead. 

You don't need to come up with reasons for getting pregnant. It's none of her business. If she asks you 'why' again, just change the subject. 

Totally agree. You don't owe her any explanations whatsoever. In my opinion, there is nothing selfish about wanting to carry and birth your own child. If she continues though, I would sternly tell her she needs to back off. This is a bit much.


Edited when I saw she quit: good. Thank goodness you don't have to deal with that drama.

Yenisbabytwo

Glad she's gone. Wish this sorry bitch that lives with us can fuck off too.

Not your fault bitch wasn't wanted.

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brittanihicks

You really don't owe her an explanation. I know it's hard dealing with negative feedback but everyone will have an opinion - you can't let the things like this stress you out. Ignore that a-hole

VickiMBerger

Sounds like you should go to your HR and report it as harassment. Nobody should have to deal with that. It's not a personal place. It's a place of "work". She needs to get back to work...

ipumpkin

emotionlotion said:

Not your fault bitch wasn't wanted.

@Yenisbabytwo‌ This is super offensive to those who were adopted and completely uncalled for. Anyhoo OP, glad you don't have to work with her anymore. Honestly if you break it down to the fundamentals, having babies can be considered selfish but that's not a reason not to have them and folks shouldn't be called out for it. And I doubt most people would adopt even if they chose not to have kids. As someone mentioned above adoption is an expensive and drawn out process. You have to be a very special kind of person to adopt. And bless those folks.

I agree, what was a little extreme. As I mentioned, I have nothing against adoption and I don't think that every child put up for adoption is necessarily "unwanted."  Those parents just may have not had the resources to provide an extraordinary life.  This could really turn into a debate that I'm not going to get into.

As far as my lovely coworker, she's actually an EX coworker now, so problem is solved. I'm still mind blown, but definitely relieved that she is gone!

 

Thanks again, everyone for your support! I was kinda in a rut there and getting really irritated, so I really needed everything you all have said.

SanRemo

Yenisbabytwo said:

Glad she's gone. Wish this sorry bitch that lives with us can fuck off too. Not your fault bitch wasn't wanted.

Did you really say that? That is just so wrong on so many levels.