What should I do for my friend? (losses mentioned)

stinybean

My friend got pregnant weeks after I did and we just announced to each other right after Thanksgiving. She was 17 days behind me. She started with twins, but lost one by 8 weeks. Now at 13 weeks and after being on bed since the first loss, she has lost the second baby. We were so happy to be pregnant together and now I don't know what to do for her. My loss was a CP so I can't even fathom losing the baby at this time. I'm heartbroken for her and I know she and her SO must be doubly heartbroken. Does anyone have any suggestions as far as what I can do for her/ send her? Thank you in advance for your suggestions.

Edit: Forgot to thank you.

mara005

I would send a card and probably a gift card to a restaurant, so she and SO can take out and not have to worry about cooking at least for one night.

shandorfml2

Its hard to have a pregnant friend when you are experiencing a loss. What helped me best was for my friends to keep in touch through texts, emails etc, letting me know they are there if I need them. However, allowing her space to grieve and approach you when she is ready. Sorry for your friend's loss... ((hugs)))

stinybean

Thanks @mara005‌ I appreciate your response That sounds like a good idea.

stinybean

@shandorfml2‌ that's exactly what I was figuring. Even with my early loss it was hard to hear about other's pregnancies & being that our edds are so close I completely understand if she doesn't want to talk to me. I sent her a long text saying pretty much what you said. Thank you for your advice.

Mel&John2013

I second the advice of letting her know you're there for her, but not pressuring her to put any sort of effort into your friendship right now. That, and the restaurant gift card.

I don't have experience with pregnancy loss, but I think this still applies...

What has helped me is when people say exactly what you said. "I can't even fathom." It is very painful for me when people try to relate to my loss when they can't. For example, I wouldn't compare or try to commiserate about your CP with this friend who has experienced a different type of loss. Not that your CP wasn't painful, it was just different.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that "I can't fathom how you must feel, and I'm so sorry" is often enough. Understand that you don't understand and let that be.

stinybean

Thanks @Mel&John2013 that's great advice too. I appreciate it. Oh and I know and agree a CP is nothing like her loss.

Eta:tagging issues

sfazar

I would send flowers and a note and also keep in touch with her. My dearest friend knitted me a prayer shawl after my loss and it brought me the greatest comfort

Bostonchelle

My good friend sent me a spa gift certificate last year after a loss and I thought it was such a nice thought (and generous gift). I don't think it matters much what you send it's more that you are thinking of her. I would suggest steering away from flowers, if you want to go in that direction I'd suggest a plant. I tend to not send flowers for deaths bc after a few days the flowers die too.

sfazar

I never thought of flowers like that (and actually don't know anyone who does). They always bring such good feelings with their bright colors. I wished more than anything after my mc that someone had done that for me. I actually went out and bought them for myself.

stinybean

@sfazar‌ @Megdowntheshore‌ and @Bostonchelle‌ Thank you so much for the suggestions. I really appreciate your responses.

mrsjg2013

Great suggestions from PP's.  For my first loss, a coworker sent flowers and I got a few cards- it was really touching.  For my second loss, a group of wrestling families (my husband coaches) gave us a gift basket with restaurant gift cards, hot chocolate, etc.  I think whatever option you decide to go with will be perfect- letting her know that you care and that you're there for her is what she truly needs right now.

nursecmc

shandorfml2 said:

Its hard to have a pregnant friend when you are experiencing a loss. What helped me best was for my friends to keep in touch through texts, emails etc, letting me know they are there if I need them. However, allowing her space to grieve and approach you when she is ready. Sorry for your friend's loss... ((hugs)))

I would agree with this. I like the idea of flowers (or cookie bouquets...even wine!).
One of my best supports through my last two losses was a friend who was pregnant. She even let me cry while holding her new little one in the hospital.
Good luck- it's a tough situation no matter how you slice it!

stinybean

Thank you @mrsjg2013‌ and @nursecmc‌ for your advice.