new and scared s*itless!

eddaruna

Hi Im 7 weeks preggers with fraternal twins. My ICSI twins! I have a 3,5 yo DS and he is my everything. We are so close and life with him has been a breeze. It took forever to concieve him, 9 treatments so I was completely in love with him from day one, when I saw these beautiful BFP. Never a doubt in my mind that my life was going to be a 10000 times better. We wanted to give him a sibling so we had another ICSI, put two embyos up (never thought both would stick) but were totally prepared for twins, kind of wished it would be twins. I was very exited when I found out, for a day or so, then anxiety panic and regret showed up! Suddenly a family of 3 or 4 seems so perfect and a family of 5 seems like a nightmare! I feel like the worst person in the world and the guilt is killing me. I have no connection to the beans in my belly like I had with my son, didnt even enjoy seeing them on the screen during US. What the hell is happening. I was considering abortion because of my regret but that would make me a disgusting person and I would never forgive my self so obviously that is not an option! Did anyone feel less than happy about their pregnancy but ended up thinking they wouldnt want it any other way? Im afraid I wont love them like I love my DS, and that I will always think "I wish there was only one of them". Horrible I know:(. Is this just panic and normal or is this a bad sign? Does anyone really ever regret having children? I am going to see a psycologist tomorrow to see if this might me some kind of prenatal depression (I have suffered from depression amd anxiety on and off since I was a kid) i live in europe, not in my home country though. I have some family around though (in laws and a sister). I get a paid materniry leave for over a year and my DH gets a couple of months. After that all of my children get free childcare (my DS already goes to kindergarden) school is free and my kids will actually get paid to go to highschool when the time comes so I guess I am lucky in many ways. Still I cant help feeling isolated and worried. I am 29 yo and my DH is 32.

bmurphy1128

I think it is great that you are going to see someone to talk about your feelings! It's also completely normal to be freaked out! We have a 1 year old and are 14 weeks w twins. When we first found out I cried. How could we handle 3 under 2? How can we afford it all? Ellie will feel left out. When we told people I couldn't even tell them I was excited. For about two weeks. But then it hit me. This is a miracle. We are an elite group that will have experiences that most of the world doesn't get a chance to have. And most importantly (sorry if you aren't religious) but God made the decision for us to have these babies and he would never give us more than we can handle. And He is always with us. So how could we not be able to do it? And 6 more weeks in I am soooo excited. Just give it time to sink in

Anyway... Good luck! I think everything will be wonderful! I would love to have your maternity leave! I only get 12 weeks and the free child care is amazing! And schooling!! You are very blessed doubly so!!

breezyweezer

It's completely normal! I was incredibly depressed at the same time as being excited at first if that is even possible. I was so scared about being able to handle two babies (have a lot of health issues) and also trying to get by supporting them on $1,000/month. It is still so early and you need time to process everything. It's a great idea to go talk to someone. They can help you sort through your emotions. I know for me, seeing the babies on ultrasounds as they have grown has made me love them so much already. I also like to look at videos of twins just to see them playing with each other, etc. It really is a special thing and I am sure you will eventually come to feel like it is a great belssing! I have never heard anyone say they regret their children. I think the stage you are going through right now you are just really freaked out; give yourself some time to get used to it. You're doing a good job of naming all the things you have to be thankful for, soon you will be adding twins to that list Hang in there. Thoughts are with you.

hchellebelle

I am 20wks and have a DD I adore that is 2years. I did not "need" another child, but my DH really did. Here we are expecting 2 more. I am terrified of everything about it and not feeling excited. I feel like I am starting to soften the more they move, and hopefully I will feel more connected after tomorrow when we find out the sexes and that they are both okay. Bottom line...you are not alone. I talked to my OB extensively about it as she was concerned for me knowing that getting pregnant was not my plan. It helped a lot with the guilt I was feeling about not being excited. So u would definitely encourage you to talk to someone.

eddaruna

Thanks for the answer, every single answer helps! I have read similar posts but there never is an update, so I dont know if the parents eventually fell in love with their twins and wouldnt have it any other way or if they still are depressed and regretful and still feel like they miss life without children. I am also so sad because I dont live in my home country and I am so homesick, and I am afraid that I can never go home again because its expencive with so many kids. And the wierd thing is that onw of the reasons I wanted a bigger family was because I wanted to "make" my own family here because I miss my family back home so very much. I feel so selfish and stupid!

breezyweezer

Can you talk to your family back home a lot? Maybe that would help with missing them? Or Skype with them or something? Sorry I am not much help. 

eddaruna

Breezyweezer. You are helping, just by answering...so thank you:) I talk to my family at least once a week, sometimes everyday, over skyp. I am thankful for that:) my DH also comes from my home country but has lived here since he was a kid, his family (parents and brothers) live here. I have two sisters here as well (same country, different city) and I speak the language fluently. I have dreamt of moving to my birthcountry for years now and always imagined I would grow old there. But now the economical situation there is a disaster and it would be too stupid to move there at this point. So we were tierd of living our lifes "on hold" and bought a house here. Now I am still dreaming of moving back home in a few years or at least being able to visit more often. I feel like having two more children will stop us from that, so that having them would mean I have to accept I am going to be here forever...so scary. But on the other hand I would not want to look back in 6 years, still not able to move back and have given up having a larger family because of it. Maybe its just my anxiety playing with me. I am sure its possible to travel with 3 kids or even move with 3 kids. Even though I know I would be back home if I didnt have my son, I would nevwr blame him or regret having him.

BabyKsMommy

I also have a ds that I absolutely adore. Him and I always do everything together. When I found out I was pg with twins I was excited but I never felt connected with them. But after they were born and they were in the NICU I just wasn't as bonded as I was to DS after he was born.

Now that they have been home 6 wks I'm definitely bonded with them. We just needed time. I'm so excited for the future when they can play with ds. And ds already loves them too.

spoonleg

I relate to your situation a lot.

After thinking for many years that we never wanted children, my husband and I decided we wanted to try for ONE child... and we ended up with spontaneous twins! Instantly I felt regret and wondered if we had made a huge mistake. I felt very guilty for not being happy and excited about the news. I often had thoughts of "I wish we were just having one," and then I would feel guilty about having those thoughts, which just made me feel worse. 

We also live in another country. We do not have family here and still struggle with the language! I often wonder if we will ever be able to travel home so our families can meet the babies. I feel like we could easily manage trips home with one baby, but with two?? I don't know. Then I feel guilty because it's not fair to our families or our children that we live so far away.

I'm 38 weeks now and still worry every day. I worry about how I'll breastfeed two, if we'll ever sleep again, if I'll continue having regrets after they're born, if I'll be able to give each baby enough love and attention. I think it's especially hard because I'm not a parent yet and have no idea what life will be like with ONE child, let alone two. I have to remind myself not to get too far ahead in my thoughts and just take things day by day.

dal2aus

I'm knee-deep in the newborn phase of twin life, so believe me, at times (like 3 am) you will regret having them.  But then, when you hear those first baby giggles, you will regret not having them sooner.  Ours were spontaneous, too, so we had no clue what we were getting into.  The fact that you're scared s*itless is a good thing, it means that you're realistic.  Will you sleep again (NO), how will you breastfeed two (you might need to pump or ff, it's OK), will you be able to give each baby enough love and attention (YES, what's great is that they tell you when they need you and when they want to be left alone). 

It's hard as hell, but like anything else worth doing, you find a way.  It's good that you're getting evaluated for ppd.