Family not as accepting/loving towards SK

Amee12

My mother has been driving me insane. We are doing Christmas on Sunday because we don't have SS5 on Christmas Day. So we planned to go over and do presents with my parents and brothers after we do our Christmas morning. Last night she asked our plans so I explained. Then she flipped out and said well IM NOT doing stockings and gifts for everyone on Sunday. Just for Conner. DH and I always try to make things as normal as possible for him. We feel it makes sense to do all Christmas on this day. Why alienate SS and not include him with all the gift giving. I've always felt that she doesn't love & care for SS5 as much as I'd like her too. EX: her level of patience with him and it seems she expects more from him. He's freaking 5 and has great manners! We are expecting in just 8 weeks and she wants to be so involved but it worries DH and I because a newborn requires so much more attention.

Anyone else dealing with your family NOT being as accepting/loving towards step kids?

hopanka

I'm sorry your mom is not more accepting of your SS. Unfortunately, you cannot really demand how she should feel. If you have talked to her about it and how it makes you feel when she treats him that way, and she still continues to be less than loving towards him, all you can do is control your move. You can bow out and decide to spend Christmas as you see fit - at your house or with H's family. Your mom either changes her tune or you won't be spending Christmas with her.

hopanka

I'm sorry your mom is not more accepting of your SS. Unfortunately, you cannot really demand how she should feel. If you have talked to her about it and how it makes you feel when she treats him that way, and she still continues to be less than loving towards him, all you can do is control your move. You can bow out and decide to spend Christmas as you see fit - at your house or with H's family. Your mom either changes her tune or you won't be spending Christmas with her.

Ilumine

I actually understand where she is coming from.  If they are still getting together on Christmas Day, then they can do THEIR gifts to each other then. 

It is not as if they are excluding your StepSon.  They are just not changing all of their plans for you.  

SueBear

I'm a bit confused - your family is getting together ESPECIALLY to see your SS (Connor), and your mom is getting him a gift and a stocking, and you're ANGRY because she isn't completely changing her Christmas to suit you and your family?  You need to get over yourself.

Connor is going to get Christmas ON Christmas.  Why does your ENTIRE FAMILY have to revolve around Connor, and not have their Christmas on Christmas? 

Connor, at 5, is old enough to be told "you'll be with your mom on Christmas, so we wanted you to get your stockings and gifts from us today!"  We'll miss you, but hope you have a Merry Christmas, and we can't wait until next year, when you will be spending Christmas with us!"  (if that is how holidays are divided).  That is how it works with families dividing holidays.

I would also add....if someone informed me that "Christmas will be early" because of THEIR schedule, and told me this a few days in advance of the "new Christmas" I would not be ready.  No where NEAR ready.  I can tell why your mom was snappy with you.  You owe her an apology.

HoolyGo

I have to agree with everyone above. I don't expect my family to change all of their Chistmas plans to accommodate SD (also 5). I think your mom is accommodating enough by agreeing to do his gifts early.

Presumably, the rest of your family has their own traditions that are important to them and while I do think it's important that families be excepting of step-kids, I don't think that means requiring everyone else to change all of their traditions for one person who will still get to experience Christmas with their other parent on Christmas Day.

Amee12

Two different issues that came about on the same day. She is the one who decided that today would be the day when we talked months ago about it. So that's what didn't make sense to me, DH or my brothers. After getting upset the other night she did everything this morning because that's what worked for the entire family.
The other issue of treating him as he's less family than the rest of us still stands. Not exactly sure how to go about telling her it's hurtful to us that she treats him this way. She volunteers to watch him and asks us to come over often but then has no patience for him. He's a child. Brings up the concern of will she really have patience with a newborn? She asked if she could help out a day or two a week once I go back to work.

FinallyHappy84

Does she treat all children this way as far as not having patience? She may just expect more of him as he gets older. If you don't like her parenting techniques you could always decline having her watch him but if she's volunteering to watch him and wants him over I would assume he's honestly not being treated differently by her.
As far as talking to her about it and the newborn situation, just be honest with her about how you and your H feel. Then let her explain where she's coming from, it'll probably clear up confusion. What may come off as no patience to you may not be how she's seeing it. Make sure it's a relaxed environment for you, your H, and your mom. Good luck.

+just+j+

These are two seperate issues. Definitely. You can't change your mom. So you know she's impatient with your Step-child,you have the conversation with her about it and ask her to modify her behavior, and/or you stop letting her watch him. As far as your birth children, I would watch carefully to see if it's all children. Same message as above. Tell her to watch it, or she doesn't watch your kids. Period. If she is distinctly different, and she is clearly favoring her blood relatives over the step, you HAVE to have a conversation and let her know it's unfair, hurtful and noticeable. These conversations can and should be kind and patient conversations. Do not do it in a way that exudes anger or attitude. As far as Christmas, if you feel it doesn't fit into your family plans, then change your family plans. But keep in mind that they should not have to and can't always adjust their time around your COd time. As stated previously, that's life of a blended family. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. Blended families have to sacrifice sometimes and the more family you have the harder it gets. Focus on the time you have with him and make it special. As far as your mom, have a kind heart to heart and see if you both can't meet in the middle somewhere. And if you can't, accept it as the way it is and figure out a way to make his time with you special.

CFjo2010

I kinda sorta understand the frustration from your mom regarding the change of plans.  But only because it's earlier than she expected.  It sounds more like she's frustrated that this wasn't discussed earlier, not necessarily that she doesn't love/care about your SS.  Try planning a little further in advance next time.   

My parents and siblings have been INCREDIBLY accommodating when it comes to K.  We are doing our family Christmas the weekend of New Years because that's when K is with us and we can travel over there.  In fact, my parents generally ask us when K is with us so that we can coordinate things.  BUT, we plan holiday get-togethers a month or so in advance.  Christmas was discussed and ironed out around Halloween.  

Amee12

My mother picked the weekend to do Christmas back before Halloween also. Then asked what the exact plans were a few days prior even though she had made all the plans other than what the exact time we would walk through the door was because we were doing our stockings and presents at home first. It was frustrating, not the first time we've not agreed on something.
My bigger concerns are the way she treats the kids and I have noticed she treats certain family members kids differently as well and it's not that these children are rude or disrespectful I'm noticing it's towards the children whose parents she has a hard time getting along with or disagrees with their parenting methods. We will be sitting down to discuss our feelings and concerns with her very shortly.