adoption when you already have one biological child

amy715

Hello. My husband and I are the the beginning process of adoption. We do already have already have a biological daughter, but we want more children and after a life threatening pregnancy for myself and my daughter, going through another pregnancy isn't an option. We were hoping to meet some other parents who have adopted after having biological child to see if they had any advice. I want my daughter to understand what is going on but I don't know how to explain it to a toddler. We also want to make sure that we are able to form a strong bond as a family and that neither my daughter or her soon to be sibling will feel left out or somehow less loved than the other.

perumom

Hi Amy715, First, congrats on starting the process!!!  We are also adopting after a having a bio son, though I don't have advice for you on this since my son is 15.  I think even parents having a second bio child feel this way though, since there will be two children requiring your attention:).  I think for parents like us waiting a child through adoption it gives us an extra stressor but once they are here I am sure adoption will not be an issue for us and therefore it won't be for our bio children either, they will love each other (or fight) as siblings, no more no less.  Welcome!  

PKP30

Welcome Amy 715 and Congratulations on your decision. I dont have bio children, but I ahve worked for a family that had 2 and adopted other 2. They also chose to grow the family more due to a very dangerous pregnancy experience that ended up in MC.

In their case, their kids were involved in the process since the very early stage. I would take them to the library and get adoption related books and the parents bought some too. We would talk about (well, the were 3 and 1) and we would letters together to their Brother or sister. One memory I have from the 3 year old is from him writing a letter to Santa ( I wrote whatever he said actually and he many a picture of that). He said " Santa, you cant forget to bring a present to my little sister or brother. I dont know where they are, but I am sure you can find her or him". That was the cutest thing and just by thinking of it my eyes tear up. 

I also want to mention that no matter if all kids are bio or adopted, there is always a time in their lives in which is natural to feel maybe the parents love one child more than the other. That is not true, of course, but we cant control feelings. They just happen. I remember as a child I thought my mom loved my brother way more than me, but I know that isnt true. It just happens.

I would recommend you to do your very best for both kids like any parent would do and start involving your daughter in adoption conversations, tell her about being a big sister, get books. Do like if you just found out you were expecting. 

amy715

Thank you everyone for the advice. My daughter is not quite two. We're still in the home study and background check stage and people who have gone through our first choice agency have told us that it will likely be over a year before there will be a child available for us. That should give us more time to prepare our daughter.

mommapizano

I am an adoptee and my older sister is biological to our parents. I think the key for me was that my parents included my sister in the process and also that they were very open about my adoption to me. I should say that my sister is 14 years older than me, so she obviously had an understanding of what adoption meant. 

Inclusive language is key. A PP mentioned this but said that it was not technically true that the kids were brother and sister. I would warn to be careful with saying something like that (I do not think the poster really meant it in a negative way, more just referring to the non-blood relation). My sister is 100% my sister. I would never even think about the fact that our DNA makes us technically not related. We may not be blood relatives but my parents and  my sister are my family and you enforcing that to both children is very important! 

I am currently pregnant with our first but we are considering adoption for our second after we found out we are both Cystic Fibrosis carriers. Adoption is wonderful, I feel so lucky to have my family and love them so much! 

mommapizano

Spooko said:

mommapizano said:

I am an adoptee and my older sister is biological to our parents. I think the key for me was that my parents included my sister in the process and also that they were very open about my adoption to me. I should say that my sister is 14 years older than me, so she obviously had an understanding of what adoption meant. 

Inclusive language is key. A PP mentioned this but said that it was not technically true that the kids were brother and sister. I would warn to be careful with saying something like that (I do not think the poster really meant it in a negative way, more just referring to the non-blood relation). My sister is 100% my sister. I would never even think about the fact that our DNA makes us technically not related. We may not be blood relatives but my parents and  my sister are my family and you enforcing that to both children is very important! 

I am currently pregnant with our first but we are considering adoption for our second after we found out we are both Cystic Fibrosis carriers. Adoption is wonderful, I feel so lucky to have my family and love them so much! 

@mommapizano, I think you mean my post about the technically true and brother/sister positive language. I think you misunderstood my point. It wasn't in regard to being brother and sister but in regard to no one else technically having the baby besides me and still saying when "we" have the baby. Just to clarify. I'm in full agreement that they are in every way siblings and I feel the same way about my own adopted sibs.

Yep! I misunderstood but figured you didn't mean in the way I read it. So I just wanted to reiterate to the OP that adoption means family : )

I am happy to see many people consider adoption and that wonderful people like you have adopted. It's really a blessing for the child and parents!!

GlowintheDark

We are in the waiting phase for DIA with a bio 4 yo DS. We have just talked about hoping for a brother or sister, not specifics. He's just learning that babies come from tummies and that he was in mine. Once we have a placement, we'll talk more about where they came from. But we won't mention much to DS until it's more definite because he never forgets and would be very upset if a baby didn't come home. I don't feel that he needs a lot of prep for a baby coming home. He's very independent so while I'm sure he'll get more clingy, it shouldn't be too disruptive.