A gentle reminder about talking about TFAS on this board . . .

buggirl72

Good morning ladies,

I woke up this morning and was shocked to see a warning on TTCAL that I had not seen in my 2+ years of being on this board.  While this post is in response to seeing that warning, it is not directed at the OP. 

This is an incredibly gentle reminder that we do not talk about living children on this board in any way nor do we talk about the hurt, fear, and other emotions that come with TFAS (trying for a sibling). Ever. Other than a mention of an LC in an intro, this board is kept a safe place from the mention of the living children that board members have.

We have far too many women on this board who have no living children. We have many women who are facing, or have faced, the end of their road with no living children. Mentions of LCs and of the concerns about not being able to have a sibling for those LCs is a dagger in the heart to those women. A warning in a post or a title does not stop that dagger from twisting. This issue came up last spring/summer after some of our long time members left this board because it was no longer safe (we miss you @RedTwizzlers).

This is the wording from the post pinned to the top of our board, the one that we ask everyone to read before posting:

9) This is NOT the place to discuss living children. Just don't do it. Even with warnings, nothing you say about your living child will serve any purpose than to hurt those who are still trying for a living child. If you need to discuss TTCAL in a way that involves your living child, go to our sister board Parenting After Loss (PAL) and join the Trying To Concieve a Sibling thread. That is the appropriate place for such topics.

Please note, this instruction includes any talk about TFAS.  Members of this board who have living children and want to talk in any way about TFAS can not only join the above board that @PetraStonegirl mentioned but can also post on Trouble TTC a Sibling.

I know that we ask a lot of our members that do have LCs at home. We ask that you phrase your posts to not include mentions of them. We ask that you help protect our hears. We ask that you remember the small arms that hug you at home are something that many of us will never feel. We ask you to have the utmost empathy for our members that are currently child free and facing the fear that they will always be child free.

I apologize to any of our members who have been hurt by mentions of LCs in check-ins and posts on the board. I should have caught that this was again occurring. I do not typically lurk in check-ins that I do not belong to but, instead, rely on our check-in leaders to protect their child free members from such posts. I do not want us to lose more members again over this board no longer being a safe place for those of us who do not have living children. 

Nikolie93

Thank you for posting this. 

ellebelle2384

@buggirl72 - love you lady.  Very well written.  (hugs) to all who need them.

PinkCamino

Thank you bug. I'm not in the best place and I'll admit I was totally totally caught off guard today. Thank you for the reminder.

buggirl72

wickedsugar said:

Thank You  :x I can't respond to the post, without wanting to go into full on bitch mode.

@wickedsugar - I understand. Tons of (((hugs))) being sent your way.

PinkCamino said:

Thank you bug. I'm not in the best place and I'll admit I was totally totally caught off guard today. Thank you for the reminder.

PC, I'm sorry

I meant to send you a message this a.m. to give you a heads up.  I hit me like a ton of bricks when I saw that warning and I know that I'm in a much stronger place than many others.

There are a couple of other ladies who I'm worried will see it and it will send them into a tailspin, especially this close to the holidays.

Km380

Thank you, Bug.
I second what @EurydiceNymph‌ said. Thank you ladies

megrae12

Thank you Bug for the eloquent reminder. And thank you to the ladies who do have LC, y'all are amazing for helping to keep this place safe. ((Hugs))

MrsOscarFelix

Thank you bug!

blackbird818

EurydiceNymph said:

Thank you, Bug, for your tact and thoughtfulness. The post caught me by surprise and hurt this morning but I didn't feel that I could respond with anything short of a swearing rant. 

I want to express my gratitude as well for those ladies who do have living children on this board and do not mention them. There are a few I feel I know well, but wouldn't know that they had a living child without reading their siggy. It is appreciated. Thank you for keeping this board safe. 

^^^All of this.



Group Hug for all my fellow ladies that were caught off guard this morning. Not what I (or any of us) needed to see.  :-<   Crying in my coffee isn't a good look

rmpar29

Thanks for the reminder Bug!  I'm not sure why this is getting out of hand again, but I hope your message gets through. 

NOBB14

Thank you for posting this.

Nikolie93

@Petrastonegirl, you certainly can't catch every, single, thing. Don't be hard on yourself for this miss. You catch so much as it is and do a wonderful job at making sure this is a safe board for us all. 

buggirl72

PetraStonegirl said:

Good fucking hell.

I am so sorry that I didn't catch this last night. I read it, I responded with support, but my brain never even processed that TFAS was in the title, or that she was saying 'another' in her post body. I had a shitty day and was pretty for gone last night, but that is no excuse. I just saw 'cancer' and IVF' and 'fear' and 'doubt', and jumped in.

I am profoundly sorry to the ladies that were hurt by my failure to step in.

No worries. 

Mentions of LCs have been creeping back in and the board was due for a reminder.

eliida

Thank you for posting this.

rmpar29

CFearsy said:

buggirl72 said:

PetraStonegirl said:

Good fucking hell.

I am so sorry that I didn't catch this last night. I read it, I responded with support, but my brain never even processed that TFAS was in the title, or that she was saying 'another' in her post body. I had a shitty day and was pretty for gone last night, but that is no excuse. I just saw 'cancer' and IVF' and 'fear' and 'doubt', and jumped in.

I am profoundly sorry to the ladies that were hurt by my failure to step in.

No worries. 

Mentions of LCs have been creeping back in and the board was due for a reminder.

This. I can remember at least 3 specific times that it has come up in one of my check-ins and it's really frustrating to get blindsided on rough days.

I'm so sorry honey.  I've tried to quash it each time.  Amazing how it never gets acknowledged though. 

EIsieMae

Sterling13 said:

Well put, @buggirl72‌.

I'd also like to say this is really not a hard rule to follow, and if you really can't figure out how to talk about an issue you're facing without bringing up your LC go to another board or PM someone in a similar situation. Plain and simple.

Agreed 100%.

buggirl72

@CFearsy and @rmpar29 - thank you for addressing this when you see it in your check-ins. 

negritosmami

im so glad someone said this. i struggle with how i feel when i see people with multiple kids complaining about not being able to try for another one. i get their pain and i feel bad but at the same time i feel like complaining to people with a loss/no kid is like me going up to a homeless person complaining about how small my house is and how i cant wait to have another, much bigger one, one day! my friend with a two year old just had the nerve to say to me that shes still not pregnant!!like she was whining about it..im like  SERIOUSLY??? smdh so yea..thanks for this super polite post!!it is so needed!

bfonz619

Beautifully written.  Thank you for posting.

ImJessesGirl

I have to admit, I have been guilty of this. Sometimes, I don't know where I belong because it's so easy to offend people. I haven't been posting much because I honestly don't know where or if I belong. I am technically Trying to Conceive after a Loss, so I feel like I could post here. But I find it difficult not to factor certain things into my life that are offensive to some. So I just refrain from posting outside of the generic GTKY type things anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone at all. I just don't know if I belong here.

TowerClimbersWife

Thanks for the reminder Bug! I also responded to the post and didn't think about the TFAS breach. I totally think we should have more reminders as those trickle in. Even if you read the blog, sometimes information can leak out and we forget. This reminder was tasteful and well meant!

PinkCamino

TowerClimbersWife said:

Thanks for the reminder Bug! I also responded to the post and didn't think about the TFAS breach. I totally think we should have more reminders as those trickle in. Even if you read the blog, sometimes information can leak out and we forget. This reminder was tasteful and well meant!

I don't like the way you worded that at all. The idea of a "breach" just doesn't sit well with me. It's not some ridiculous rule that this community enforces. It's just common sense. On TTCAL we try to protect the most vulnerable and the most vulnerable are those who are here trying to have a child with no living children at home.

TowerClimbersWife

@PinkCamino said:

TowerClimbersWife said:

Thanks for the reminder Bug! I also responded to the post and didn't think about the TFAS breach. I totally think we should have more reminders as those trickle in. Even if you read the blog, sometimes information can leak out and we forget. This reminder was tasteful and well meant!

I don't like the way you worded that at all. The idea of a "breach" just doesn't sit well with me. It's not some ridiculous rule that this community enforces. It's just common sense. On TTCAL we try to protect the most vulnerable and the most vulnerable are those who are here trying to have a child with no living children at home.

To be honest I'm blindsided by your interpretation. I clearly stated that I think this was a good reminder, and that though I've read the blog, I didn't catch that it was not in compliance with the request not to talk about LC and TTCAS.

The word breach by definition means :

n. noun

1. An opening, tear, or rupture.

2. A gap or rift, especially in a solid structure such as a dike or fortification.

3. A violation or infraction, as of a contract, law, legal obligation, or promise.

v. verb

1. To make a hole or gap in; break through.

2. To break or violate (an agreement, for example).

3. To leap from the water.

A breach of the rule of not talking about this is exactly what it is. There is no mention of it being frivolous or ridiculous in my post or in the definition. While I appreciate you feel comfortable enough commenting on this, I really feel you are off base because I clearly support the rule of not discussing TTCAS.

PinkCamino

TowerClimbersWife said:

@PinkCamino said:

TowerClimbersWife said:

Thanks for the reminder Bug! I also responded to the post and didn't think about the TFAS breach. I totally think we should have more reminders as those trickle in. Even if you read the blog, sometimes information can leak out and we forget. This reminder was tasteful and well meant!

I don't like the way you worded that at all. The idea of a "breach" just doesn't sit well with me. It's not some ridiculous rule that this community enforces. It's just common sense. On TTCAL we try to protect the most vulnerable and the most vulnerable are those who are here trying to have a child with no living children at home.

To be honest I'm blindsided by your interpretation. I clearly stated that I think this was a good reminder, and that though I've read the blog, I didn't catch that it was not in compliance with the request not to talk about LC and TTCAS.

The word breach by definition means :

n. noun

1. An opening, tear, or rupture.

2. A gap or rift, especially in a solid structure such as a dike or fortification.

3. A violation or infraction, as of a contract, law, legal obligation, or promise.

v. verb

1. To make a hole or gap in; break through.

2. To break or violate (an agreement, for example).

3. To leap from the water.

A breach of the rule of not talking about this is exactly what it is. There is no mention of it being frivolous or ridiculous in my post or in the definition. While I appreciate you feel comfortable enough commenting on this, I really feel you are off base because I clearly support the rule of not discussing TTCAS.

oh wow I didn't realize we needed to get Webster involved.
:-w

lovemybellag

I'm sorry. I've edited my post. I did not mean to offend anyone and am extremely grateful for what I have- sorry if you misread that I am not. I am not going to make up excuses. I will not post again if it will be a reminder to you ladies. My very best to you all. I have been shed tears over the past two hours for hurting the ladies on this board as I would never want to do that. I have also cried over some of the harsh words to me. I am sorry again for any pain or tears felt by you ladies.

SunshineShades

crimpgirl said:

PetraStonegirl said:

Good fucking hell.

I am so sorry that I didn't catch this last night. I read it, I responded with support, but my brain never even processed that TFAS was in the title, or that she was saying 'another' in her post body. I had a shitty day and was pretty for gone last night, but that is no excuse. I just saw 'cancer' and IVF' and 'fear' and 'doubt', and jumped in.

I am profoundly sorry to the ladies that were hurt by my failure to step in.

Petra, you protect and support all of us so much everyday.  I also responded to her and felt so bad about her husbands cancer that I didn't reply with the harsh tone that I wanted to and just mentioned that I was jealous of her LC.

Thank you Bug for posting this.  I wasn't in a bad place last night when I saw it (thankfully) but it did make me ragey that someone would take what they have so foregranted.

It did make me realize how grateful I am for everything that I have in life that wasn't there a few short years ago, and that others may look at me and think that I am ungrateful.  I guess we always just want more.

While I understand that many people were hurt by the post, I feel like this is out of line. In no way is she taking what she has for granted, I don't see how anything in her post implied she did. I am sure every day she thanks her lucky stars for what she has.

stephy1221

I think I do a pretty good job of avoiding LC talk but if I have slipped ever and offended anyone I am so terribly sorry.

The thought that I could bring a moment of pain to any of the ladies on this board is literally enough to bring tears to my eyes. 

Hugs to all that need them.

buggirl72

SunshineShades said:

crimpgirl said:

PetraStonegirl said:

Good fucking hell.

I am so sorry that I didn't catch this last night. I read it, I responded with support, but my brain never even processed that TFAS was in the title, or that she was saying 'another' in her post body. I had a shitty day and was pretty for gone last night, but that is no excuse. I just saw 'cancer' and IVF' and 'fear' and 'doubt', and jumped in.

I am profoundly sorry to the ladies that were hurt by my failure to step in.

Petra, you protect and support all of us so much everyday.  I also responded to her and felt so bad about her husbands cancer that I didn't reply with the harsh tone that I wanted to and just mentioned that I was jealous of her LC.

Thank you Bug for posting this.  I wasn't in a bad place last night when I saw it (thankfully) but it did make me ragey that someone would take what they have so foregranted.

It did make me realize how grateful I am for everything that I have in life that wasn't there a few short years ago, and that others may look at me and think that I am ungrateful.  I guess we always just want more.

While I understand that many people were hurt by the post, I feel like this is out of line. In no way is she taking what she has for granted, I don't see how anything in her post implied she did. I am sure every day she thanks her lucky stars for what she has.

Actually, the fact that her entire post could be perceived as being about not being able to have another living child, yes, it is totally valid for @crimpgirl‌ to feel like someone who has a living child already is not appreciative of that - especially when the complaint is on a board full of not only women who have no living children but at least one woman who has a husband who survived cancer, has no living children and is facing the end of their journey with NO LIVING CHILDREN.

Maybe it's not what she meant but when anyone, no matter what the circumstances, tries to discuss their fears about not having LC #2, those of us still trying for LC #1 are going to be hurt and are going to be jealous and feel like there is a certain amount of not being grateful for what you already have going on. That is why people with living children absolutely most not talk about their fears of not having a sibling for their child on this board.

ETA - to clarify thoughts and fix formatting issues.