How to tell someone you want them to have your baby?

I was raped and ended up pregnant with twins. I'm 14wand 5d, I knew I wanted to do adoption right away. Not because I don't love my babies but because I feel like they deserve a family and a place where they will be more than how they were conceived. Any advice on how to talk to adoptive parents find the right one, know they are right and tell them they're right. It's important for me that they know my story so I know they will love my babies still(I know that sounds horrible but I've already had horrible encounters where I've been told that not aborting them is a disserve to the world)

Re: How to tell someone you want them to have your baby?

  • Have you looked into any adoption agencies or lawyers? They can help walk you through the process and help you find the right parents for your children.

  • I am sorry for your experience.

    Unfortunately, I have never interacted with my sons' birth mothers, so I don't have much direct information to add, but I do agree with Dr. L. that an agency or adoption lawyer could help you navigate this.  Agencies usually provide counseling, sometimes for a lifetime, so even if you don't wish to use it now, you could later down the line.  Even if you wish to proceed without an agency, you will not be able to finalize the adoption without a lawyer.  Don't worry about fees; that is often covered by the adoptive family.

    I wish you all the best.
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  • Our birth mom was completely honest with us from the beginning.  We found our birth mom through a friend of a friend and my friend asked us if we were okay with an adoption that was a "difficult" situation.  We talked on the phone, on Myspace, and then finally in person.  She actually asked us more questions about ourselves then we asked of her. 

    I thought the fact that she made an adoption plan considering the circumstances was admirable, and wonderful. Our friend also knew our natures and knew we were kind and understanding people, not judgmental.  We used an attorney after the birth mom was sure she wanted us to parent her baby.  And as she became more comfortable with us, she gave us more detail about her experience.    Maybe reach out to friends or church members if you are comfortable with that.  With an agency they may screen individual families as to whether they are comfortable with that situation before they speak with you.  We wanted a very open adoption, so our situation was different than most.

    Either way, I'm sorry for what you have gone through... but know that the right family will love your beautiful child regardless of the baby's conception.  Feel free to PM me if you want to ask more detailed questions about our experience.  Take care !!

  • I have a friend who was born as a result of a rape, and who was adopted.  She is a wonderful, loving mom and a caring, generous person, and I absolutely know that her existence isn't a "disservice to the world."  Neither will your children be.  She also eventually developed a loving relationship with her birth mother.  I don't buy into that sins of the father stuff, and I hope you don't let anyone convince you that you should either.  

    I agree with the PP about finding yourself a good agency/lawyer.  There are a lot of people out there looking to adopt, and many of them would consider twins, if you'd prefer they are placed together.  And if you have the means and the support to raise them, and that feels right in your heart, don't feel obligated to make an adoption plan just because of the circumstances of their conception. 
    Chele[Deleted User]lovelyplanet
  • I have a great agency that I'm using. But sometimes I get a little overwhelmed with them bc they make me feel like I need to pick someone right away.
  • edited December 2014
    You should definitely take all the time you need to look over profiles and talk to families before choosing one. You want to be as comfortable and confident in your choice as possible!

    I'm surprised the agency would be matching you with anyone this early in your pregnancy; the agency we used waited until 32+w to have expectant mothers choose a family.

    sbrynne said:
    I have a great agency that I'm using. But sometimes I get a little overwhelmed with them bc they make me feel like I need to pick someone right away.

    Take your time, and don't let them rush you.  If you feel rushed...tell them you want more time to consider who would be best to parent your child.  We weren't matched with my DD until just a month or two before she was born.  She looked over many profiles, and didn't like any of them. They actually were looking for additional adoptive couples to present to her.  She said when she saw our profile she just knew.  We had the life she wanted for her baby (and wished she had for herself growing up).   But she saw many that were very nice... but not the perfect fit and she didn't want to settle.

    This is your decision, please don't let them pressure you.  Take all the time you need !

    Dr.Loretta[Deleted User]
  • I'm so very sorry for everything you've had to go through and will have to go through. I think you will find this board to be loving and supportive. I'm glad you're working with an agency, but I would encourage you to make sure they offer free counseling both pre and post adoption. Chances are you'll want this more than you think. I'm a birthmom and I sure did.

    Also, I'd ask them point-blank to stop pressuring you because you're not ready to choose. For me, choosing was horrible and painful and made things too real. But when I saw my daughter's parent's profile, I just knew they were it. I actually started crying. That moment marked a change for me. I had hope and something tangible that was wonderful and happy about the pregnancy. I had someone to share the pregnancy and every happy moment with. Everyone is different, though, and if you want to wait until the hospital to choose, that's ok too.

    As far as choosing them.., I made a list of what I wanted my child to have growing up- beliefs, family values, etc and asked them questions relating to these at our first meeting. The agency handled telling them I wanted them to parent my daughter. We connected over the course of the pregnancy, at which time they learned more about me and the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy. They saw my love for my daughter and although I'm able to tell her frequently thanks to an open adoption, they tell her as well.

    Your babies are already so much more than their conception. YOU are so much more than that. If you desire to parent them, you can overcome that. If not, that's ok, too. I loved my daughter more than my own life. I wanted to parent her, but knew I just wasn't ready, didn't want to do it alone, and felt she deserved more than that.

    I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me with any questions- I'm an open book!
    Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

    A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu

  • I agree with all PP, take your time. DD1 was conceived due to rape. Our agency was forthcoming with the information, and we were not hesitant at all. The only thing that became a little uneasy was BM was trying to prosecute. In the hospital, the police came to take DNA after DD was born. Then came the time for finalization, we still had to attempt to contact the biological father for consent and/or notification. Doing this made me very nervous because those papers were the first he possibly knew that he had this child (BM was 7 months pregnant before she knew, does not recall the rape, guy left the state after it occurred).
    I became a mother because of adoption. She is the absolute love of my life. Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker formerly known as sw_in_kc
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