Really frustrated with DH, need to vent..

crene84

DH really pissed me off this morning.  He has made several comments about how I parent..how I jump through hoops sometimes when it comes to their eating.  I totally agree, I practically do everything short of standing on my head to get them to eat sometimes but I feel like that's just parenting.  Typically my kids are great eaters, but they go through phases of course and sometimes I just want to make sure they get some basic nutrients, so I will "play their games" to get them to eat if I have to.  I would expect DH would applaud my patience and creativity but instead he tells me I'm teaching them that we're willing to do these things. Needless to say, he refuses to help and ever give me a break from this.

I realize sometimes my techniques seem extreme, but I expect to have to do things like this sometimes while raising two toddlers.  If nothing else, he doesn't have to tell me he's impressed w/ me, but just don't give me a hard time about it.

kelly136

I've been guilty of this too. Sometimes I try to coax him to do things he refuses to do, and I just end up doing it without realizing it. It depends a lot on my mood and what kind of day we're having. I think every parent does this kind of thing at some point- whether it's getting them to eat, brush teeth, get dressed, leave the playground, etc etc. I guarantee your DH will probably find himself doing it too some time. He's just noticing you do it at mealtimes, because kids eat so often that you're probably having to do it all the time.

That being said.....I do agree that it's a very bad habit to start, especially with toddlers. If you're worried about nutrition it's better to sneak nutrients into food he'll eat voluntarily rather than trying to entertain him or negotiate. It's great you're willing to try so hard, but that creativity is better used for other purposes- like playtime. You can also supplement with Pediasure so you can be sure he's getting some nutrition. 

crene84

IndigoVader said:

Well, what do you mean by 'playing their games'? If you have read anything I have ever said, you know that I will absolutely do what I have to do to get the kids to eat.It is our job as a parent to make sure they are fed well and remain healthy. I'm not quite sure what your husband means by jumping through hoops, but there are many posts on this very board that shows what we go through to get these little guys to eat, sometimes it is a phase and sometimes it isn't. You do what you need to do to keep your babies strong and healthy, period.

I have practically said what you just said here word for word to DH but he just doesn't see it that way sometimes.  Luckily, I've had some time to cool off. It just sux because this is a common argument we tend to have. 

Nita2603

I am very much of the 'unless you want to do it from now on, shut up and let me do my thing' opinion.
DH knows that and either he let's me do my thing or we discuss and find a solution or - if we would absolutely never get to a point of agreement- he can take over.

Anyways, I have explained it to my friend today this way: yes, they are healthy now and yes, I do cater to them. They are in 3rd percentile. IF they ever got sick, there is nothing they have in reserve. Nothing. That scares me. Being just one bout of the shits away from a hospital stay is fucking with my mind.
And if that means that I have to cut stars into sandwiches or hide real butter under peanutbutter/wowbutter, then so be it. They can out hunger me. I know that.
They know that.
But I know they can't afford to do that and they don't know that part.

So yeah. If I have to dance naked just so they eat? Done.
Don't like it? Fuck off. End of story.

Flamingemu

We had this discussion last week on the board. There are a lot of mommas that don't jump through hoops to get them to eat. I am one. If L doesn't eat dinner, nbd, meal time is over. That said, you do you. If you want to play to get your kids to eat, so be it. He should at least respect that decision. 

Also, you can't expect him to take over playing the same games. You should also respect that he doesn't agree with you. You should discuss and find a common ground so you are both less frustrated. As someone who doesn't play, it frustrates me to be around those that do (but I wouldn't say anything). You must understand it sucks both ways. 

redneckmomma25

Camp I don't play games. I also have a child at 96th percentile for weight. She's not starving. I made mac and cheese for dinner. She wanted to eat it off my plate and said yucky to her plate. Nope. Eat off your own plate. I'm not playing that game. Same food. I'm not feeding you off mine. She's obviously not hungry enough to eat off her own plate.

She won't go hungry though. There's always something she likes. So if she doesn't eat it is her own decision.

tinyhumantoe

I'm in camp I won't give her a PBJ sandwich for dinner.  I expect her to eat what I'm eating, and have a couple easy prep things I'll grab out of the fridge if I've really hit a dud with dinner, but I won't cook two meals.  

That said, I have a couple "hoops" I am willing to do.  I agree with Nita, if you're not willing to do it forever, consider not doing it. Doc said we'll get 2 good meals out of her each day.  W is low weight on the charts; if she's not eaten well for the other two meals of the day, or I feel she has been on a bad roll lately and isn't eating well enough, then I will pull out some minor tricks.

I'll alternate bites of protein with bites of fresh fruit or something she's motivated to eat.  I've also given stickers after every bite.  Those are both way to enjoy my dinner and not have to micromanage or hawk over her - I just don't have the energy. 

I'm probably middle of the road on this topic?  I'll do it when I feel it's necessary, but don't want to get stuck doing acrobatics every night because it's not sustainable for me.

linzeek44

It sounds like the issue is less about the eating than it is about your husband making those comments. 

What ideas does he have for eating? I'd hear those out and see if you can find middle ground, or at the very least, understand what he is worried about with your approach. Then you can move on from there. 

tinyhumantoe

linzeek44 said:

It sounds like the issue is less about the eating than it is about your husband making those comments. 

What ideas does he have for eating? I'd hear those out and see if you can find middle ground, or at the very least, understand what he is worried about with your approach. Then you can move on from there. 

I agree with everything she said.

MarisaKathleen

If this is what works for you, and you're the one who's typically with them for meals, then oh well.  

You're doing a great job.  2 toddlers has got to be ridiculous about 80% of the time, and I'm sure fighting with your kids about food isn't a battle you choose to fight every single day.

melody921

While I'm not really into playing games to get kids to eat, I don't see why your DH really cares if you are. It's not like you're asking him to jump through the same hoops. I say live and let live in this case. When he's alone with them, he can choose to not play games, if he wishes.

crene84

loislayn said:

I guess my first question would be "what is your technique?" What hoops are you jumping through?

The most common is probably following her around.  If she doesn't want to sit at the table to eat, I'll let her sit on the couch..or in her princess chair, etc.  It's annoying but it gets her to eat.  And right now the big on is spoon feeding her cereal so she gets milk.   She is good at feeding herself some things but milk on a spoon is a disaster. I know there are other forms of calcium and we do those too but she loves cereal and it's good for her, so I do it.

willy_gert

I agree with many different aspects.  We went through a time where DD needed to eat as much as possible because she was small enough that any illness would land her in the hospital.  I did whatever I had to get her to eat.  

Now that she is bigger, able to feed herself and we aren't worried about an illness causing hospitalization, I don't push her.  She will eat if and when she wants to.  What I have figured out with her is that she wants to play and then will get down to eating.  So, we give her food to her first, get her set up, then DH and I make our plates and she has to sit in her high chair until we are done eating.  She plays for a while and then starts eating. 

melody921

IndigoVader said:

crene84 said:

loislayn said:

I guess my first question would be "what is your technique?" What hoops are you jumping through?

The most common is probably following her around.  If she doesn't want to sit at the table to eat, I'll let her sit on the couch..or in her princess chair, etc.  It's annoying but it gets her to eat.  And right now the big on is spoon feeding her cereal so she gets milk.   She is good at feeding herself some things but milk on a spoon is a disaster. I know there are other forms of calcium and we do those too but she loves cereal and it's good for her, so I do it.

*****************************************************************

IMO, this is not playing her games or jumping through hoops-we don't always eat at the table, either. I still help the boys eat their cereal, it really isn't that hard- it saves me the clean up afterwards. If your DH isn't willing to do these things,that's on him.If he feels the need to critique your parenting, I would offer him the chance to do everything from now on. Pretty good chance he won't take you up on that offer.

I helped DD finish her cereal this morning. I don't view that as playing games.

AKB090609

crene84 said:

loislayn said:

I guess my first question would be "what is your technique?" What hoops are you jumping through?

The most common is probably following her around.  If she doesn't want to sit at the table to eat, I'll let her sit on the couch..or in her princess chair, etc.  It's annoying but it gets her to eat.  And right now the big on is spoon feeding her cereal so she gets milk.   She is good at feeding herself some things but milk on a spoon is a disaster. I know there are other forms of calcium and we do those too but she loves cereal and it's good for her, so I do it.

We solved our spoon with milk (and soup) issues with the dollar bin straw bowls from target.

Unknown

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crene84

AKB090609 said:

crene84 said:

loislayn said:

I guess my first question would be "what is your technique?" What hoops are you jumping through?

The most common is probably following her around.  If she doesn't want to sit at the table to eat, I'll let her sit on the couch..or in her princess chair, etc.  It's annoying but it gets her to eat.  And right now the big on is spoon feeding her cereal so she gets milk.   She is good at feeding herself some things but milk on a spoon is a disaster. I know there are other forms of calcium and we do those too but she loves cereal and it's good for her, so I do it.

We solved our spoon with milk (and soup) issues with the dollar bin straw bowls from target.

I've been meaning to check that out.  Not super confident it'll solve our issue since DD refuses to drink milk through a straw, but still worth a shot.  Thanks!

MarisaKathleen

crene84 said:

loislayn said:

I guess my first question would be "what is your technique?" What hoops are you jumping through?

The most common is probably following her around.  If she doesn't want to sit at the table to eat, I'll let her sit on the couch..or in her princess chair, etc.  It's annoying but it gets her to eat.  And right now the big on is spoon feeding her cereal so she gets milk.   She is good at feeding herself some things but milk on a spoon is a disaster. I know there are other forms of calcium and we do those too but she loves cereal and it's good for her, so I do it.

My DH would also think this was asinine.  The following her around part.  We figured out we can't eat anywhere other than at the table, because Nanc gets too distracted and just won't eat then unless you remind her.  It's not worth it to me.

I don't consider helping her eat to be a "game" or anything like that.  Especially with things like cereal.  I still help Nanc with rice from time to time because it's so messy and I hate cleaning.

You have to pick your battles.  Is it worth fighting with your husband about this all the time, or are you willing to try it his way and see how it goes?  If it works, great, if not, you can go back to your way and say "I told you so" or try coming up with something together.

redneckmomma25

G doesn't always eat at the table. But I don't follow her around. Food goes on a table as long as it's not a messy meal and she will graze so to speak. And we got those bowls at target where she can drink the milk and eat the cereal. It's not mess free. And I don't think those things are jumping through hoops. I don't serve cereal as often because it requires a little more effort on my part. But if you want to and are willing to then have cereal. I see no reason why DH can't sit next to her and help her eat cereal. Not a big deal. Maybe ask him what he would think would be a better calcium substitute if he doesn't want to do that. 

hmp1

You have posted a lot about feeling overwhelmed. I wonder if your husband picked this battle to help you see that you don't need to do it all and cater to everything. But, perhaps he picked wrong and doing this thing actually makes your day a little better knowing that she is eating. I think your husband was trying to find ways in your day to help reduce stress and points where the kids seem to completely take over. Just my opinion based on your other posts. Or he could have just been nitpicking your parenting which is not cool.

Either way, talk to him about how you are feeling. DH and I parent differently and some of the things he does drives me insane. We need to be a solid front on some things but I let the kids get away with crazy bath time and he doesn't, and he tends to reward with food too much for liking. We have learned to just let those things go and move on with our day. However, I am not allowed to bitch about wiping up the bathroom floor after bath since I am the one that lets them get all crazy.