My kid calling another kid "bad"

Mustardseed2007

This is kind of a complicated question, so I hope I make it clear.

Over the last week my 3 year old (3 today!) DS has suddenly turned into a very verbal kid. He went from not really telling me much about his day at DC, to telling me lots of complicated stories. Yesterday I asked if he played with "K" one of his little friends at DC. He told me "K was a bad girl today because she scratched me and I cried".

I understand that scratching and pushing and stuff happens at DC and I know my DS has both dolled it out and been on the receiving end of stuff like that. What concerns me is DS  saying that another kid is a "bad girl", though. 

We don't tell DS he is a "bad boy" or anything like that because I think it's demoralizing. I don't want him calling anyone a "bad girl". I don't think I explained that to him well, though. I'm also concerned that by critiquing his language when he's telling me about someone scratching him he might be getting the message that I'm not concerned about him?

What  I did in the moment was to first ask what he did when she scratched him, and after we talked about the scratching incident I told him, something to the effect of: "now listen we probably shouldn't be saying anyone is a bad girl or boy. Everyone makes mistakes and it doesn't mean they are bad. We just say we don't like what they do."

I think that sounds okay, but I don't think he understood what I meant at all. He kind of just stared at me, then changed the subject.

How do you ladies handle stuff like that?

[Deleted User]

DS says he hates things. We rephrase it and say "you can say you don't like it but we don't say hate".

You can rephrase it for him with "not nice".

ittybittycg

That's a tough one. Im not too sure Im kind of in the same boat. My DS is 4 and has really increased his vocabulary. When someone says or does something he knows he is not allowed to say or do because I tell him it's either rude or not very nice, he always says "that's bad mom. They did that and that's bad." Or "she said a bad word that's bad mom she's not supposed to say that" which I thought was OK because he understood that the action was not good. Well lately he's been telling me "you're bad mommy" when I tell him to clean his room or pick up something. I don't know where he got confused but it's happening and now he's always telling me or my family that everyone is bad because he doesn't like what's going on.

2chatter

DS was saying the same "bad" things.

I turned out the teacher started it.

That has since stopped.  Both from the teacher and my son.

We totally have convos to redirect language.  DH narrates everything that happens, and I mean everything.  He speaks constantly and relentlessly.  It hasn't slowed him down to be gently corrected, so I would not worry.

[Deleted User]

They are expressing what they are learning- right and wrong.  Their vocabulary and ability to conceptualize is still limited.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing that they say the word bad. 

Mustardseed2007

MarlaSinger& said:

They are expressing what they are learning- right and wrong.  Their vocabulary and ability to conceptualize is still limited.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing that they say the word bad. 

Oh I definitely agree with this! I think with any word it's all about context, which is another reason why this idea may be over his head.

I think saying "bad girl" or "bad boy" is not good. But saying what she did was "bad" wouldn't really bother me. Which is a nuance maybe he isn't capable of understanding at the moment?

I'd REALLY hate to hear a teacher say someone was being a "bad girl" or "bad boy" b/c they should know better.

[Deleted User]

Mustardseed2007 said:

MarlaSinger& said:

They are expressing what they are learning- right and wrong.  Their vocabulary and ability to conceptualize is still limited.  It isn't necessarily a bad thing that they say the word bad. 

Oh I definitely agree with this! I think with any word it's all about context, which is another reason why this idea may be over his head.

I think saying "bad girl" or "bad boy" is not good. But saying what she did was "bad" wouldn't really bother me. Which is a nuance maybe he isn't capable of understanding at the moment?

I'd REALLY hate to hear a teacher say someone was being a "bad girl" or "bad boy" b/c they should know better.

I agree.  I would rephrase with "not nice".  I think that's sufficient and not a harmful word. 

2chatter

The pediatrician told us on Monday that they don't understand at DS' age what it means to be labelled "bad".  They just use it for anything undesirable, and don't distinguish behavior from identity.  (The ped asked about school so I told him when DS gets overwhelmed and screams at school the teacher was telling him he was "a bad boy".  The ped said if the school isn't ready to work with DS, who really, is just anxious and melts down, we might consider a different school for that reason, but not to worry about the "bad" part so much from a long term impact).

[Deleted User]

DS picks up most of his "not nice" words from his peers. 

Mustardseed2007

SandAndsSea said:

Eh, I don't think it's a huge deal. DS picks up a ton of words and stories from DC.  He has also told me that he wants to be a bad boy and that he isn't nice.  I tell him that he's a good boy but sometimes makes bad choices, but he's still a good boy.  They're still really young and don't quite get the differences/implications yet.

I hear some great DC stories.  I believe about 50% of them.  For example, yesterday, DS got in trouble for biting another kid.  He's 2, but transitioning to the 3 year old room as he'll be 3 in 10 days.  I had to talk to the director about it and then DS and I talked about it more in the car.  I asked why hit bit and he said because the other kid was taking his toy away from him and he didn't like it.  I reminded him that we don't bite and that we use our words and tell the teacher if the friend doesn't listen.  I believe him, and I get that he didn't want to be wronged, but still reinforced that we don't bite.  

Later last night, he told me another friend hit him lots today.  On his leg, his arm, his belly, his back, his eye, etc.  While he probably did get hit at some point, DS isn't one to stand around and let someone hit him 25 times.  That story, I didn't believe.

And this I know is definitely true as well. He either gets a story wrong or makes it up all together or he will tell me about stuff that I'm pretty sure has happened but did not happen that day.

For the longest time (before he had this language explosion) when I asked him what he did that day the only thing he would say was that "A held my hand". When she was in his class they did walk around holding hands pretty much every day, but he continued saying that for over a month after "A" moved up to the next class.

So yeah, the only part about any of that I was concerned about was what he might be saying about or to other kids, but it sounds like at his age the undesirability of it isn't exactly something he gets.

[Deleted User]

Gah.  Why is trying to be a good and conscientious parent so hard?

I often worry about stuff like this, too.

PhDMomma

Ds is 3 and has a fairly common first name. There is another boy in his class who Ds has been referring to as "bad" first name, and then himself as "good" first name. We've been trying to gently correct him, but the other kid is a holy terror.....slapping other children, throwing blocks at parents ( including myself), biting other kids, and the list goes on. I met his parents at the autum concert, they think he's "spirited".