August 2015 Moms
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I NEED HELP..woman to woman advice :(
So my fiance and I found out last week that I am pregnant (4w1d) and this past Tuesday my future sister-in-law had a miscarriage with her fourth child at 5 months. She had to have a d&c. To say the least it's been a very emotional week for the family. She was due in May, I was so excited to know that we would be pregnant together but now she's in a totally different boat than I am presently. I just need some advice on how to tell her and the family that I'm pregnant. I'm really just more concerned with her. We were going to have a special announcement at Xmas as a gift but is that too soon? Or should we wait until the 12 week mark? I don't want to seem rude and inconsiderate of her and her husband's feelings.
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Re: I NEED HELP..woman to woman advice :(
I've noticed some people believe you should wait until 6, 8, 10 or 12 weeks before saying anything, but I personally don't agree with that in regards to telling close family--if something happened to my baby, I would want the support of my immediate family. And it doesn't seem you're making the announcement IMMEDIATELY after her loss. I wish you good luck making a VERY difficult decision.
If I were in your shoes, I'd probably wait longer to tell. On top of being sensitive to your sil, the extended family may feel awkward celebrating your news in front of her.
This is her child that passed away and 2 weeks is nothing in terms of healing. I would wait honestly because wow that wound is going to be raw and I think family should be focused on helping her through Christmas. With DS, my father in law passed away around announcing time, and I just ended up not announcing for a while because I was so busy making sure family was ok and grieving and I never thought about announcing. And that was at 11 weeks.
So ladies, what I'm trying to say is now WITH her having the miscarriage, its going to be tougher no matter how I tell her. I was going to tell her privately first regardless. I love my sil, but I'm walking on eggshells with this one. I just know she will be devasted, and I know how I am, I will feel like the whole thing is my fault.
I mean, there's no way I could've known that that was going to happen and me get pregnant pretty much at the same time! The week before. Ughhhhhh I feel horrible
And for the women who took what I was saying the wrong way, I watch her kids for three days while this happened and cried the entire first day because I was going to be the nanny of that baby
Well, you can't stop your fiancé from telling his family, but you certainly don't need his permission to give her the heads up. And I'm troubled by his lack of concern for her feelings. I can't imagine going through what she's going through and having a family member scoff that "it's not about her".
He was the one who originally wanted to do the Xmas thing and I wanted to wait until I was 12 weeks. But with my sil's miscarriage it changes it. So I've been trying to tell him that that's even more reason to wait. He just doesn't understand that I could have a miscarriage being this early on, and he's so excited. I just don't know what to do. Because he's not one for someone telling him what to do, men in the south (Louisiana, Cajun country) are like that. I just have a feeling that it will be so uncomfortable if we said it at Xmas for everyone. And I told him it looks EXTREMELY selfish and inconsiderate to OUR family that just had a loss.
Can't he just tell his parents then? Does it absolutely have to be a formal announcement with a full audience?
I think a Christmas announcement where the SIL hears about it in front of everyone on an already loaded day for her is way worse than hearing it in passing from gossipy inlaws. I guess the best you can do if you can't talk him out of the announcement, give her some advance warning that it's coming.
Oh really? I didn't know that, I heard from a few that some start showing around 12-13 weeks. But this is my first pregnancy so I'm new to the pregnancy world!
****Lurking*****
OP, I was reading this and felt complelled to share with you my story. My wife and I struggled with IF. Back in Dec 2012 we had gone through 12 IUI's and just got the news that our 1 IVF cycle failed. That same week my BIL and SIL called to share the news that they were pregant with their third baby after he had a vasectomy. It was so hard to be happy for them while we were grieving our own failure.
Fast forward to May 2013 we were on our 3 IVF cycle when they called us again but this time with devastating news. At 25 weeks the baby had passed away in utero. We were heartbroken for them and for the lost of our nephew. Two weeks after that call we got our first ever BFP. We had so many mixed emotions. We intialy only told my MIL and FIL. We all wanted to celebrate our new baby but at the same time we were all mourning the loss of our nephew and grandson.
We waited till we were closer to 12 weeks before we told our BIL and SIL. We called them on the phone and told them. We knew how hard this news would be to share and telling them any other way would have been insulting to them and their loss. They were wonderful and smiled through their pain. We broke the news by saying, "I'm sure you already can guess why we're calling..." We couldn't not talk about Ethan during that conversation. He was real and he was alive no matter how short his time on this earth was.
We had a son, which I think makes it harder for them because he is a reminder of their Ethan. This past July was the first time we all got together to meet him and it was very emotional. It's awkward to celerbrate new life knowing their is one person who is missing who should be here.
My advice is please do not tell her via text or email. No matter how selfish you think she is. She is a mother who has lost her child. It doesn't matter is she lost them at 6 weeks, 22 weeks or 18 years old. It doesn't matter if this is her fourth child or 30th child. It was hers. Her pain is real. She will not "get over this" anytime soon.
Please, you and your husband have a heart and be careful when and how you chose to share your news. I know you want to share your excitment but you lost a niece and your child lost a cousin they will never know. Your time will come when everyone will be excited for you and the baby, but right now it isn't it. I hope that you never will know what your BIL and SIL are going through. One thing I learned from our experience is life is fraigle and what happened to her, can happen to anyone.
It's not the same, but on the note of dealing with family drama / loss and sharing good news...my family already knows I'm expecting a baby, but I wouldn't say that anyone has been super ecstatic about it. My brother is dealing with an episode of his mental illness and my family is in knots about it. I won't be talking much about the pregnancy over the Christmas vacation because of the crisis going on. It is what it is - we can be really happy about my news/event later, but right now we have to focus on my brother. In the same vein, focus on your SIL and BIL. They need it a lot more than you or your husband right now.
As a loss mom, I disagree with @Karlamo's advice about not telling via text or email. I think that an email or text is the BEST way to tell your SIL so that she can react in private however she feels without having to worry about hiding her emotions in front of you. Let her process the news privately, then, when she's ready, she can respond and congratulate you. A phone call or in person announcement will put her on the spot. I guarantee you that she would probably just be looking for the quickest getaway so she can go cry in privacy. Because even if she is happy for you, it's going to be a reminder of what she has lost. Don't put her in that position.
Me: 34; DH: 38; SD: 9
TTC #1 since November 2013
BFP #1: 2/4/14--EDD 10/14/14--CP 2/8/14
BFP #2: 3/1/14--EDD 11/15/14--MMC at 12w6d (baby stopped developing at 11w4d)
D&C 5/13/14; Retained Tissue Found: Cytotec 5/30/14; 2nd D&C 6/20/14
BFP #3: 12/13/14--EDD 8/27/15--MMC at 7 weeks (no fetal pole and measuring 1 1/2 weeks behind)--Cytotec 1/9/15
January 2015: Off to RE for RPL testing
CP: 01/2011 | MMC: 01/2012 | MMC: 10/2012 | DS: 11/2013 | MMC: 11/2014 | DD: 01/2016
BFP: 06/2018 - EDD: 02/09/2019
My sister found out she was pregnant about a month after my miscarriage and she told me via text. It was really hard news for me at the time. I was happy for her, but cried because I was also sad for me. I didn't respond to her text that night. I allowed myself to be selfish and wallow in my grief. But the next morning I was in a much better place and was able to respond and congratulate her and talk about her pregnancy and be a supportive sister. I just needed that time and I would have felt incredibly guilty if I started crying in front of her if she had told me in person.
Me: 34; DH: 38; SD: 9
TTC #1 since November 2013
BFP #1: 2/4/14--EDD 10/14/14--CP 2/8/14
BFP #2: 3/1/14--EDD 11/15/14--MMC at 12w6d (baby stopped developing at 11w4d)
D&C 5/13/14; Retained Tissue Found: Cytotec 5/30/14; 2nd D&C 6/20/14
BFP #3: 12/13/14--EDD 8/27/15--MMC at 7 weeks (no fetal pole and measuring 1 1/2 weeks behind)--Cytotec 1/9/15
January 2015: Off to RE for RPL testing