This is just the worst day.

suzysurparis

This is a dirty style of fighting on your DH's part and not cool. Mine throws around divorce when he's completely drunk, but he's just trying to be an ass and he never mentions parental rights or more complex things. Since his father gave up his parental rights, it's not an unknown subject in our house.

As my mom can be an insensitive narcissist, the only way to "fight" those types is to show the pain they cause. Not anger as that makes you the bad guy, but pain. So the next time she mentions wanting a girl you can start ugly crying really loud in front of the everyone. Even if she makes comments about hormones or anything else like that, she'll start to see how hurtful she's being and she'll need to start treating you more carefully. I come from a very passive-aggressive family, we don't communicate well, but if you cry then the other one is the bad guy. Obviously this is not healthy advice but it works with unhealthy people and you usually can't force a MIL to be healthy.

GASuzuki

@suzysurparis I love the ugly cry. LOL!

MrsDee1982

I am pretty curious how this all will turn out.  It has been several hours since your OP.  Have you heard from your DH at all?

I am so sorry you are going through this and have no advice that has not already been offered.  

leenziepops

Oh gosh! That argument really took a turn down a bad path. Sounds like DH could be siding too much with your MIL, maybe she even fed him some of that divorce talk. Just awful what you are going through. I hope everything works out. 

MrsDee1982

leenziepops said:

Oh gosh! That argument really took a turn down a bad path. Sounds like DH could be siding too much with your MIL, maybe she even fed him some of that divorce talk. Just awful what you are going through. I hope everything works out. 

I was wondering this same thing.  

chrissymkke

So sorry girl about this terrible situation. There is really no need for you to be stressed especially when you are growing a little human. I hate to hear that you are crying so much. Just take a deep breath and start singing. I know that sounds stupid but that's what I do to try and turn my mood around. May I suggest The Beatles? Works every time *hugs*

thay33

Hi I am so sorry it's taken me so long to update. I ended up being asked to come in for a couple hours at work so I went in... Still not talking to my husband, I really really wanted/needed him to cool off before he approached me again. Anyway he ended up showing up at my work (im assuming he went home & saw me not there & my phone isn't aloud to be on at work so he probably noticed it was off IF he tried calling) anyway, he came in and started talking to me about a door that needed to be fixed in our apartment... I sorta just looked at him like are you serious?? You're coming into my work to tell me about a door?? So after that I said "okay... Is that it?" And he said and I AM QUOTING THIS "to be honest I don't even remember what you did that set me off but it did and I'm sorry for what I said, I will have a talk with my mother and tell her that she needs to keep opinions to herself especially when it comes to this baby" I waved him away and said I appreciate that you apologized but this will have to wait until I get home. Before I went home I read every single advice you all have said & thought about exactly what I wanted to say to him. I ended up coming home and he gave me a hug. & then the talk started. I started off telling him how asking me for a divorce is one thing, but to ask me to sign over rights is UNACCEPTABLE, he said that he doesn't even know where that came from and he was truly sorry he said that. I told him it will freeze in hell the day I sign over MY rights to my beautiful baby to ANYBODY. & he promised he would never say it again. & then we brought up the divorce, he said it was really hard to be in the middle and that my MIL has been apparently talking about me to him & he wouldn't tell me what & also I didn't even want to know because I knew it would just piss me off. I told him that when she talks about me like if she has a problem with me, that he needs to tell HER to come to ME about it & not you. & I will from now on do the same! That way her and I can discuss things MATURELY & not through my husband. Things seem to be okay now, just going to take it one day at a time. But I really wanted to take a moment to thank all of you WONDERFUL ladies! Every single post really really taught me a lot and made me think about how many things need to change in our relationship before the baby comes. I cannot express how thankful I am that you all are here! I'll be sure to update if anything more happens God forbid, but I really really cannot thank you all enough! & I'm sorry this was so so long!

angielayne926

I'm glad you two were able to sit down and have an adult conversation about it.  It sounds like you guys have a plan moving forward and I hope that all sides stick to it.  Regardless, you guys are a team, so he needs to stand up for you and not play into what his mom is doing/saying. Good luck!

Bednarova

A good step forward. I'm glad that you've talked things over!

avazirian

I am so sorry you are going through this! I am lucky I get along with my MIL sometimes she is difficult. She says comments that are kind of rude. But my hubby is her baby but she has never been extreme we have gotten into it but I'm lucky now she has a SIL she hates haahaa.
When my hubby and I fight we had said if we argue devoirce isn't something we throw around. I'm so sorry your fight went that far. When you speak to him you should tell him how you feel and tell him decor ice talk ashould be thrown around. Especially talking about signing over the rights to the child! Thats not okay to tell an expecting mom! Your MIL sounds horrible. Who cares if it's s boy or girl you are giving her thr gift of grandchild! Im so sorry your going through this I couldn't imagine how you are feeling.

finchfeeder80

I think it's fabulous that he was willing to both apologize and sit down and have a mature conversation. It sounds like you guys have a great plan moving forward. I definitely wish you both the best. *hugs*

erbear84

I'm glad that you were able to have a conversation about it with your H and I hope things can improve from here on out for you!  

GASuzuki

Glad things worked out in a happier way than what could've happened. That said, I want you to remain strong in this! I can't believe the audacity of your MIL for talking about her PREGNANT DIL to her son!!! What a fucking bitch. I would start a journal entitled: "Why my MIL is an effing B." That could help let loose some steam.

kls6382

Yay! I'm glad you guys were able to talk some things out and that he's sorry (b/c he should be!)

Just make sure you don't hold a grudge against him for not telling you about the conversations his mother was having with him ... you two need to be a united front!!

taisree

Glad to hear your update

Him coming in and asking about the door made me LOL, reminds me of my SO. If we get pissy at each other he ALWAYS does that, starts talking about the most random things like nothing happened.

But good for him for apologizing and talking it out. Good luck going forward with your MIL, clearly many go through this issue but sounds like you & your DH are on the same page which is great!

Katerina&Baby

More than anything I am now CONVINCED that MIL brought up wanting him to divorce you and have you sign over your parental rights. Nobody thinks of the parental rights thing when they are mad at their significant other about something like this (it not a common topic so it wouldn't make sense for it to be a spur of the moment reaction). It makes sense too - MIL clearly would prefer that you be out of his life completely so that she can get her son "back" (clearly he hasn't gone anywhere but MILs can be insane when it comes to their sons because they feel like they are being replaced by the wife). Tread carefully - she seems like a real snake. As long as DH is firm with her that he will not listen to his mom bad mouth his wife and that she should talk to you directly if there is any issue, I really think you guys will be fine. She has to be forced to accept those boundaries though - otherwise she'll continue being toxic to your relationship.

Edit: so glad that you guys had a productive conversation and that he acknowledged how far out of line he was!

DolphinLover2002

One other thing that really helped me: I was so pissed at my MIL one day because of some crap she said about me to my DH. I didn't want to rant on him, and I wasn't going to be the monster and tell her off. So what I did was wrote her a really long email telling her exactly how I felt about her. It was like 3 pages long. I got out everything I wish I could say to her. Then I sent it to myself. I wasn't the monster who said awful things to her, yet I was able to vent my emotions. I felt much better afterwards.

TheNewMrsY

Oh @thay33‌ I'm sorry this happened today! I'm glad you were able to talk about it and that you're feeling better about where things are now. What a great step forward. I'm sure it will still take a bit of time to heal from those hurtful words. Hang in there and keep all lines of communication open - between DH and MIL.

housewifebecomesher

thay33 said:

Emilywooddesign said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Is your husband usually this dramatic? Did you have other issues going on? Hopefully he was just angry and will calm down. I would murder my husband if he dared threatening me with divorce and taking my child- what a horrible thing to say to your pregnant wife.

He can be pretty dramatic, but as for other issues.. aside from the bickering we will have from time to time. The only issue we've had is the fact that I've never gotten along with my MIL... I mean this isn't the only time she's done something like this. She was mad when we got married... then she controlled my entire wedding... I could go ON and ON. & it has annoyed my husband that we can't stand each other since day one. He's a major major mamas boy which isn't necessarily a bad thing but when it comes to him saying this to me because of her... I have to be honest it's getting on my last nerve.

I am really sorry you're going through this and sincerely hope it gets better. I have had to work really hard to help DH cut the apron strings and realize his family (which is me DD and LO) need to come first, and that means standing up for me to his mother. Honestly it is best you have the conversation now because what he said and did is not cool!

leenziepops

Go you!!!!! @thay33  Sounds like you covered off everything you had to say. So glad things took a better turn. I would hate to be fighting with my DH during such a happy time. Hope you guys really work it out and that your MIL doesn't come between you. Sometimes after a huge fight (like yours) I do a follow up of how I'm feeling and I talk about it again with DH. Just to make sure we're on the same page and do a proper closure thing. This is always done in a very calm way and not to poke the fires for another fight. All the best 

Disneygeek77

Oh my goodness.  I am just appalled by his behavior.

I'm glad you talked and glad he apologized, but I truly can't emphasize couples counseling enough.  I would even venture to say that his reaction bordered on emotional abuse because he asked for a  divorce and to sign over your parental rights ( and I am calling bullshit in him not remembering he said that) for having a normal, human reaction of disappointment and anger towards her.  That is so punishing.  This is serious, very serious and needs to be talked through with the help of a professional third party.  

I also wanted to say there is a difference between loving and caring for your mother and putting your mother above your wife.  I don't know what kind of wedding vows you made, but I imagine there was something a long the lines of " To forsake all others and let no one come between."  All others includes his mother and you should not feel bad for holding him accountable to the promises he made on your wedding day.  

Again, there are some very serious issues going on here that really can't be resolved with talking amongst yourselves.  If I were you, I would contact a counselor tomorrow or else you will be having these issues of him emotionally punishing you and then " forgetting" what he said the next day for the rest of your married life.  You think this was hard being pregnant, imagine how more difficult it would be if there was a child or two to witness this.  Please, please call tomorrow.

thay33

Disneygeek77 said:

Oh my goodness.  I am just appalled by his behavior.

I'm glad you talked and glad he apologized, but I truly can't emphasize couples counseling enough.  I would even venture to say that his reaction bordered on emotional abuse because he asked for a  divorce and to sign over your parental rights ( and I am calling bullshit in him not remembering he said that) for having a normal, human reaction of disappointment and anger towards her.  That is so punishing.  This is serious, very serious and needs to be talked through with the help of a professional third party.  

I also wanted to say there is a difference between loving and caring for your mother and putting your mother above your wife.  I don't know what kind of wedding vows you made, but I imagine there was something a long the lines of " To forsake all others and let no one come between."  All others includes his mother and you should not feel bad for holding him accountable to the promises he made on your wedding day.  

Again, there are some very serious issues going on here that really can't be resolved with talking amongst yourselves.  If I were you, I would contact a counselor tomorrow or else you will be having these issues of him emotionally punishing you and then " forgetting" what he said the next day for the rest of your married life.  You think this was hard being pregnant, imagine how more difficult it would be if there was a child or two to witness this.  Please, please call tomorrow.

Okay so this is going deep into my husbands life... My husbands father and his mother are still married and they don't love each other (I don't believe they ever have) & so because of that, my husband has had to see his father call his mother a fat C word... Almost everyday as a child. I've witnessed it when we were dating and when we've got married & still now. When I saw him verbally abuse his wife I sat down with my MIL and asked her why in the world she would stay with someone like that? (Fat C word, is the nicest thing he's said... Just wanted to throw that out there) there fights have gotten way way worse. Anyway she said that the reason is because if they got a divorce she would have nobody and she's "too old" to find a boyfriend. (My grandma is 80 and just got a new BF lol so I don't believe anyone is "too old") anyway! She told me that she's tried counseling but MH dad never would show up (BECAUSE HE KNOWS HES WRONG) with ALLL that said! My husband has witnessed alllllllllll of this since he was just a toddler and could remember it, and it's STILL going on To. This. Day. So counseling unfortunately for now is out of the question because he's just like his father... Sometimes when we bicker I'll see a glimpse of his dad in him and I'll say "OKAY MARK(his dad's name) THATS ENOUGH" because I DO NOT want him to ever ever think it's okay to call me the names his dad has called his mom or to ever think it's okay to talk to me the way his dad talks to his mom. And he IMMEDIATELY will back off. If we end up going to counseling it will be a miricle, but believe me I would love to.

Disneygeek77

I am so very sorry they had to endure that.  No woman should have to go through that and no child should have to witness it.

That being said, this cycle will continue unless you do something.  Trust me, this is not the end.  What if she treats your son the same way she has treated him so far ?  Will he say something to her ?  Will his reaction to your child being rightfully hurt and upset to her behavior  be the same way he reacted to you ?  Will he say something incredibly cruel to your child and then the next day act like it didn't happen or even deny it ?  Is that how you want your son to grow up ? What if you say something to him / her and his reaction is the same ?  Will he once again threaten to divorce you and take your child / children away from you ?  

I just don't see a happy and healthy future for you and your children here without counseling and can't emphasize how much it is a non negotiable.  At the very, very least, you should go alone.  Make a call today.  Again, even if you go alone, that is still better than nothing. 

cnoelle92

I'm really glad you guys worked everything out
and talked. Communication is everything in a relationship! Just keep an eye out on that MIL of yours, MILS are such a pain in the ass to deal with.

Trampslikeus

@thay33‌ Your last post actually made me MORE worried for you. This wasn't just an outburst under extreme stress - you're saying now it's a pattern, with family history to boot.

Counseling should NEVER be "off the table" in a relationship two people want to be successful. I don't want to be a negative Nancy, but life only gets more stressful with kids. Navigating parenting choices and finances once kids are in the picture are two of the most common fights couples have. If that's the road he goes down when he gets mad, you're at the tip of the iceberg.

Don't end up being an enabler to a second generation of that behavior. Counseling should be mandatory for you to stay in this marriage. I'm sure he's a great guy, no one is perfect, but this isn't a problem to shrug off.

Best wishes to you...

thay33

Trampslikeus said:

@thay33‌ Your last post actually made me MORE worried for you. This wasn't just an outburst under extreme stress - you're saying now it's a pattern, with family history to boot.

Counseling should NEVER be "off the table" in a relationship two people want to be successful. I don't want to be a negative Nancy, but life only gets more stressful with kids. Navigating parenting choices and finances once kids are in the picture are two of the most common fights couples have. If that's the road he goes down when he gets mad, you're at the tip of the iceberg.

Don't end up being an enabler to a second generation of that behavior. Counseling should be mandatory for you to stay in this marriage. I'm sure he's a great guy, no one is perfect, but this isn't a problem to shrug off.

Best wishes to you...

Ive already told him I was going to counseling & told him he was welcome to join. He rolled his eyes and said "you know how I feel about that stuff" & I told him that I know it was hard but if he came it would mean the world to me and would also be important for this baby. He said he will come, we will see how it all turns out after I make our first appointment. Thank you all so so much though, I really needed that kick in the pants to make that first step!

AmyCee

I hate to write this and make you more upset - but you truly need to both seek individual and couples counseling. Otherwise, you will be raising your child in the same negative environment.
I've lived it! I am living it! I did my best to hide DHs behavior when my son was little but when DS was 3, he started treating me like crap - emulating how his father spoke to me and treated me. Eventually I made a decision to leave -- my husband happened to have an appointment (the day I told my attorney to start the process) with a psychiatrist (that our couples therapist told him to see 2.5 years earlier, but he wouldn't!) - the psychiatrist put him into a serious regimine for individual therapy (and rehab, drinking was how he medicated his issues). Only after that - and months of continued therapy did our marriage truly heal.

Please learn from my mistakes - when you see an issue get it handled immediately. Do not wait for it to affect your child! It will. My son won't sleep in his own room (started when our fights became louder and meaner).

There are positive outcomes - I'm living one of those, too. It take a lot of time, effort, money and commitment. But, you can work past this as a team. Please don't wait!!! It won't get better on its own. Babies make our lives wonderful but are very stressful - start the process now!

I'm just rebuilding myself - I became a shell of "me" lost many of my friends - stopped doing things that were important to me - lost all shreds of confidence. Please don't let that happen to you.

AmyCee

His own individual therapy is more important than couples therapy right now - our couples therapy sessions were just bitch sessions most of the time. Now we use them to iron out bigger issues that we disagree about and they are actually helpful!

Emilywooddesign

Probably the reason your H is so protective of his mother and why he doesn't like you saying anything negative about her, probably why your MIL is such a twat because she's been verbally abused for eternity. Very very sad I hate your FIL he sounds like a fucking Doucher. Your H probably feels the need to always protect her.

marinamarina

Been through something similar. My therapist says to bring hubby in together to discuss. MIL issues. They're deep seated sisters he has with bring a mamas boy. Find a therapist stat. STAT!!!!!!!

mamaof2corn

Tell him to grow up! Iam so sorry he said those nasty words to you. I totally understand about a horrible mil. I called her out on her Crap and we finally have a ok relationship. Iam the type of person if you don't talk about it can't be fixed. Good luck I have been married for 8 years and just recently have had a ok relationship with my mil

Disneygeek77

thay33 said:

@thay33‌ Your last post actually made me MORE worried for you. This wasn't just an outburst under extreme stress - you're saying now it's a pattern, with family history to boot. Counseling should NEVER be "off the table" in a relationship two people want to be successful. I don't want to be a negative Nancy, but life only gets more stressful with kids. Navigating parenting choices and finances once kids are in the picture are two of the most common fights couples have. If that's the road he goes down when he gets mad, you're at the tip of the iceberg. Don't end up being an enabler to a second generation of that behavior. Counseling should be mandatory for you to stay in this marriage. I'm sure he's a great guy, no one is perfect, but this isn't a problem to shrug off. Best wishes to you...

Ive already told him I was going to counseling & told him he was welcome to join. He rolled his eyes and said "you know how I feel about that stuff" & I told him that I know it was hard but if he came it would mean the world to me and would also be important for this baby. He said he will come, we will see how it all turns out after I make our first appointment. Thank you all so so much though, I really needed that kick in the pants to make that first step!

Good for you for making the appointment.  I am very proud of you.  Please continue going even if he doesn't and even if he mocks counseling. This is a very serious issue and like others have said highly unlikely that it will get better on its own.  You need the help of a trained professional to help guide you through this.  

jellyfishpuff

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation. You are an amazing women and it's great you were able to resolve the fight and take steps in the right direction with counseling, really good job getting him to go! I know how difficult that can be! I believe every situation is different and it really feels like your H is really trying hard to be a different man than his father. H is really lucky to have you as a positive influence in his life. I hope things continue to improve and H gets a lot of healing and understanding through the process.

Apollo11235

Oh, @thay33, I'm just seeing this for the first time. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's really great to see that you two will be going to couples counseling. I truly hope that you find a great counselor who can help you get work through these issues and become a stronger couple. Thinking of you.

Shutterbug&17

I'm sorry. Sending T&Ps.

taisree

@thay33‌ good for you for attempting counseling. Personally I avoid counseling and want to think "it'll all work out fine!" Avoid avoid avoid...

Buuuut For a completely unrelated reason my SO and I tried counseling. It was really hard to start. Obviously because most men do not want to go, so you have to convince yourself, convince him & try to find someone who is a good match to counsel you.

Anyways good for you! And I hope it helps, but I truly think it will. Especially with your DH & the underlying issues with his parents. Makes perfect sense why your DH is so protective over his mother now.