AL question...loss mentioned

NB817

I called my sis last night to see how her appointment went and she found out she lost the baby. ( This is her 2nd loss within a year and she does not have any children and I am heartbroken for her and her H. They were so excited to tell us all on Thanksgiving and now they are just sad. I've never experienced a loss so I was just wondering if there's anything that anyone who has been through this...is there anything I can say? I can do for her? Anything someone said or did that made you feel not as completely devastated as I imagine she feels? She's in Chicago and I'm in CT so I can't go hug her like I want to. Is there anything that I should absolutely NOT say?? I'm just so upset for her and want to help but I don't know how.

TIA for any responses.

BootsOrHearts

There's not a lot you can say that will make things easier, just let her know you're there for her and listen if she wants to talk about it. You can probably tell from hanging around the boards, most of us think of our loss as a baby, not just the loss of a 'pregnancy', even if she did not know the sex of her baby,  he/she might have had a name or a nickname. The nicest card I got after my loss was from someone who never experienced loss but had the sense to send a card that said 'I'm sorry for the loss of your son'. I cherished that so much more than just generic 'sorry' cards or even 'sorry for your loss'. Hope that helps. 

welly01

I don't think there's anything you can say that will make her feel even a little better.  No one I know IRL has done or said anything that helped.  In fact, most people do or say the wrong thing.  I would just tell her that you're sorry and if she ever wants to talk, you are available.  Give her space to grieve.

NB817

Okay thanks ladies. I really just wish there was something I could do, but I guess that's naïve of me.

@bootsorhearts she/they were pretty cautious this time around and didn't even want to know if they wanted to know the sex until they made it out of the first tri which sadly didn't happen. Thanks for the suggestion on the card though.

chloebeth930

My SIL sent me flowers. They were by my bed at home when I got home from my D&C. The card didn't mention anything about pregnancy/baby, just saying that she was thinking about me and loves me.

Her and I have a strained relationship now, but I still will always be thankful for that from her.

NB817

Thank you ladies for the insight and wonderful recommendations. And especially what NOT to say. I can't see myself ever saying any of the things but it's nice to have them there to make sure I don't say them.

When she told me on Wednesday I just said I know this is a dumb thing to ask but is there anything I can do? And she said have the d& C for me? (Like I said this was her 2nd) I told her I would if I could and I just continued to say how sorry I was. I got a text from her H after the D&C just letting the family know how it went, it was a group text so I have just been checking in on her over the weekend.

I did tell her about the bump and that I know there's a loss board and she said that she's checked it out but I don't want to push it on her. It's entirely possible she posts on it, but we didn't go into a lot when we were talking. I hope she's posting there and getting the support she needs from others who understand.

Thank you ladies for responding to this. I'm sure it's painful for you to rehash your feelings to share do and don'ts and I want you to know how much I appreciate it. HUGS to you all.