Strategies to help child with relinquishment

MileHighMaam

Hi again.   I haven't been on here much lately as life has been hectic between starting a new job and being placed with our son at the same time.   Our son is 6 years old and has been with us for 2 months.   As expected the holidays are going to be a hard time for him.  DS has not seen his mom in over a year since TPR. He has mentioned bio mom a few times and last night he kept saying he wanted to live with his real mom, and it isn't fair that he can't see her.   I suggested that he share a happy memory from their time together and all he could say was he wants to live with his real mom.   

We do have a book of photos that she made for him when she relinquished her rights.  This has not been shared with him since then and we aren't sure if now is the right time to do it or not.   We are still in the early stages of him attaching to us and I worry that this would set him back.   There are also some decorations from his room at her house that he saw yesterday when  I was going through some boxes and was wondering if maybe we should put one in his room.  

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. 

bbyskittels

I'm sorry I have nothing to add, but wanted to say I think it was great that you asked him to share something with you. I hope someone has advice.

MileHighMaam

Thanks all.   We do acknowledge his feelings about his bio mom and let him know that it is perfectly ok to miss her and love her.   We have never told him he shouldn't talk about her.   He doesn't always want to talk about her but when he does we sit and listen.  

It's just hard to hear these things and want to be able to make it all better, and I know I can't.    

We did put one of the decorations we found in his bedroom this week.  

CaptainSerious

In my experience, when the boys were struggling was exactly the best time to share things with them about their beginnings/first family. It helped them understand that that party of their life was equally important to they present, and that they could talk to us about it anytime. It also made them feel more secure that they didn't have to forget about it or pretend it didn't happen, and that it wouldn't affect the easy we felt about them.

I would go out of my way to bring the subject up, tell him all your know, share stories and photos, and talk about it as much as he seems willing to. Also, we laminated their photo books and made them avalable to them in their rooms, where they could go through them anytime. We always knew when they were feeling homesick or getting close to someone, because we'd find them leafing through or sharing them.

Hugs. It's a process, and there will be relapses. The holidays and birthdays can be especially difficult.

Another thing I do with M is talk to him about how I wish he could live with his first mom, too, because I hate the pain he feels from being sperated from her. I tell him that I feel so lucky that I get to be his mom, but I wish he never needed me. That usually is the thing that resounds the most with him, because it acknowledges the complexity of my feelings, which mirror the complexity of his. We live each other like crazy, but wish we didn't have the hurt and lost relationships and broken hearts that brought us here.

If you pray, you can pay for her together. We do that with M, and it gives him a sense that we are doing the only thing we can for her. It's better than the feeling of helplessness he otherwise has.