am I the only one....

Cristina714

am I the only one that is way unhappy in her marriage? If not what do you do to deal with it? I have to take some tips on faking it.... For he next 18 years. In our house fair is never equal... I work full time, working on my masters, take care of and actually interact with my baby and my husband works a strange shift takes overtime all the time picks and chooses what he does and when he does things with the baby... Lectures me on the key to happiness all the time yet is always sad about something... And likes to remind me that I'm a woman and that I should be able to handle all of this. We have not gone 2 days without a big dispute since even before the baby was born. And no matter how much i beg for us to get counseling he refuses and says we will work it out but I'm the only one trying to change everyday the list of things I need to fix about myself grows... I'm just awful at being a wife and mom according to him. He hasn't said those exact words but the things he does say elude to that. I'm not happy or even content I'm exhausted

bullybutt

No.  My situation wasn't/isn't the same as yours but the same misery. I recently tried to seek counseling with my ex and it didn't work out for us.  He couldn't be open/honest about anything and the counselor told him that he wasn't helping any of us by being that way.  I am in the process of buying a house and starting over.  I do everything on my own anyways with the kids, so it's not like it will be some world-upside down event.

Even if he won't seek counseling with you, you should go for your own sake.  You don't want your children to see/feel your pain and misery.

Cristina714

I do have a therapist and I tell her about this all the time. I'm about to ask for a prescription for a happy pill just for the sake of feeling numb. Every time I talk to her she reassures me how normal I actually am. I don't feel depressed I just feel like I am falling out of love with my husband because of how he acts. I feel like I lost my best friend and I hate fighting it makes me tired. Sometimes I actually feel much better alone.

Cristina714

I'm not "staying in it for the kids" I'm staying in it for me I do not believe in divorce at all. When I make a commitment I stick through it no matter how bad things get I hate that that's the only solution to this. In all actuality if i never agreed to have a baby we wouldn't be in this situation. My husband is a very selfish man and when he asked for a baby he never realized that that was the moment he was supposed to become selfless.
I love my son more than I have words to explain but he has changed my marriage for the worse

bullybutt

Cristina714 said:

I'm not "staying in it for the kids" I'm staying in it for me I do not believe in divorce at all. When I make a commitment I stick through it no matter how bad things get I hate that that's the only solution to this. In all actuality if i never agreed to have a baby we wouldn't be in this situation. My husband is a very selfish man and when he asked for a baby he never realized that that was the moment he was supposed to become selfless. I love my son more than I have words to explain but he has changed my marriage for the worse

Maybe having your son brought out the true colors of your marriage and/or him..or you!  If your husband isn't willing to put in the work to change things or himself, then your attempts are futile...unless you are leaving.  One person can't do it all.

SaraRL07

I'm sorry you are going through this.  My marriage has hit a speed bump since I've gone back to work.  What I recently realized is that I was putting to much stress on myself and wasn't asking for enough help.  I was resented that I was waking up early to pump and I was putting together the daycare bag, filling the bottles, washing clothes....I was constantly on the move until late at night.  While my husband was working he would cook and clean the kitchen but then watch football as I prepared for the next day.  I finally asked him if he could help out with a bit more and it has helped.  Now I have time to sit with him on the sofa and be a couple before I head to bed.  

nolemomma14

I'm sorry things have gotten so bad. These babies definitely change a lot, and DH and I are working together everyday to find the new us, as mom and dad. It's so important to constantly communicate as PP mentioned. In the beginning it was like I expected DH to read my mind and know when I needed help. When he wouldn't offer the help I would get upset and bottle that up and sometimes snap a little at DH. Finally one day DH told me I had been a bit snippy with him and he wasn't sure why. That day I realized I wasn't communicating as well as I should and we both made a promise to check in with each other everyday and see how we were both handling everything. He's gotten a lot better about asking how he can help, and I am a lot better about asking when I need an extra hand.

If you don't believe in getting a divorce, then you should both get counseling. Kids can really pick up on their parents feelings towards each other and IMO it's not fair to the child to grow up with parents who don't want to be together. My parents divorced when I was 6 and growing up I always wished that they were still together. As I got older and looked back on it, I remember how uncomfortable our house was the last year they were together. They walked on eggshells around one another, it was awkward when they sat down together to do something with my brother and me because they weren't happy together. After their divorce they were able to set aside their differences and remain good friends for my brother and me. They still have a very good relationship today, and I don't have to worry about planning separate events for each for birthdays or holidays.

I hope you are able to work things out, and find a solution that works for both of you.

Nichole8787

I have no advice to give. Just hugs. I'm so sorry your dealing with this.

abundancenow

DH and I had some rough times in the first few years after our first baby. It took time for us to both settle in to our roles as parents and figure out how to work together. You don't really think about conflicting parent styles when you're dating and the only way to really know how you are going to be as a parent is to do it. I just suggest being open to change, because you will both still change more while you are figuring out how to be partners and parents. Letting go of expectations of how I wanted DH to parent helped and he ended up being a better parent than I imagined. We've learned to appreciate each other as parents and it is working much better with #2. Be patient with your marriage and try to remember why you fell in love in the first place. I hope it get's easier.

Nichole8787

Random thread comments made me rethink this post....troll?

[Deleted User]

I know this is potentially a troll but someone that isn't willing to work out issues in a marriage isn't worth staying with, no matter how much you don't believe in divorce. It just shows they have zero regard or respect for your feelings. Your children learn about marriage from you. It will always be more beneficial for them to have a mom and a dad that are happy even if they aren't together than a mom and a dad that are miserable together.

KatWAG

Cristina714 said:

I'm not "staying in it for the kids" I'm staying in it for me I do not believe in divorce at all. When I make a commitment I stick through it no matter how bad things get I hate that that's the only solution to this. In all actuality if i never agreed to have a baby we wouldn't be in this situation. My husband is a very selfish man and when he asked for a baby he never realized that that was the moment he was supposed to become selfless. I love my son more than I have words to explain but he has changed my marriage for the worse

 

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ugh. Claiming not to "believe" in divorce is a pet hate of mine.

 

Sounds like you need a new therapist because there are a ton of red flags here for you personally and as a couple.

ghostof5letters

Cristina714 said:

I'm not "staying in it for the kids" I'm staying in it for me I do not believe in divorce at all. When I make a commitment I stick through it no matter how bad things get I hate that that's the only solution to this. In all actuality if i never agreed to have a baby we wouldn't be in this situation. My husband is a very selfish man and when he asked for a baby he never realized that that was the moment he was supposed to become selfless. I love my son more than I have words to explain but he has changed my marriage for the worse

Couples counseling is a solution. Your husband just refuses. 

"Not believing" in divorce is asinine when you're in an unhappy and one-sided marriage to a douche. I

Have fun being a door mat just for the sake of your "beliefs." Your son didn't change your marriage, he spotlighted the douchebag your husband is. And I hate to say it, but your son will treat his wife just as shitty because that's the environment in which he will be raised. Bravo!