** TTCAL check-in 12/8/14 * *

Maybe Joleisa

Welcome to TTCAL check-in! Please don't be shy in asking the PGAL/PAL ladies questions if you have them. 

Where are you in your TTCAL journey? 

Do you have any relevant upcoming appointments? 

QOTW: Milestones and holidays are difficult. What strategies do you have for surviving this holiday season? How will you (or will you) incorporate your angel into things? 

 Open Topic: What is on your mind this week?

* This is my 2nd attempt at posting--first attempt timed out this afternoon and all my shout-outs went POOF! Will re-post them tomorrow morning.

Manada

Since I "bumped" last week's thread with my reply, I will reply on this one on topic now...  I am glad to belong to a "community" again - it gives me connection when I'm at work! 

Where are you in your TTCAL journey? 

We are in the beginning of an FET cycle to transfer to my partner.   It's our first cycle after losing our girls, and with our only frostie, so we're walking a fine line between anxious and trying not to focus on it too much.

Do you have any relevant upcoming appointments?
Tomorrow we have a lining check and my partner will get an intralipid infusion.  She just mentioned it this morning so I think we're both thinking about it with some anxst but not talking about it so much.  

QOTW: Milestones and holidays are difficult. What strategies do you have for surviving this holiday season? How will you (or will you) incorporate your angel into things?

We sent an email to our families and close friends in October (Cdn thanksgiving) letting them know that we want to visit with them, but we are not going to participate in any of the holiday fanfare this year.  We're skipping the tree, stockings, gifts, all of that - and instead will focus our efforts on being with our family in good ways.  

Last night I wrote a letter to our girls for my blog (which is still very new, I may share one day) - entitled "If you were here this Christmas" -- it was actually a nice way for me to get out some of the emotions and dreams I had for our first Christmas together, and how I envisioned they would be, and our family would be together - as well as how much I miss them and love them.   I think we may do some art projects or something together to honour them, and maybe do a little walk outside and talk with them like we did after they were born on Christmas day or eve.    Part of our plan to lay low was to give us room to grieve together, and come together, so I feel good about doing that.

 Open Topic: What is on your mind this week?

Mostly just missing our babies still.   As I mentioned in the loss check-in I'm at a place where the shock has worn off and the reality of living without them is setting in, and that's hard.  

In terms of TTCAL I also spend alot of time thinking about my relationship with my body, the IC and the chorio infection -- and am trying to find ways to reconcile that and some of my trauma with my desire to carry children.    Currently it's not in my cards, but I have a not-so-secret hope that one day we will have a beautiful rainbow or two that my partner has carried safely for us, and I will feel more equipped to try again -- but I'm not really focusing on that right now in my efforts to accept what happened and move forward. 

stefuge

Hi ladies,
@Manada‌ - FX for your upcoming FET! Keep us posted!

AFM:
Where are you in your TTCAL journey?
Cycle 4 TTCAL, 1st cycle TTA baby sharing birth month with Colton, CD ? AF should show in the next day or so...

Do you have any relevant upcoming appointments?
End of January, pre-conception appointment with new OBGYN since mine has moved away and abandoned me!

QOTW: Milestones and holidays are difficult. What strategies do you have for surviving this holiday season? How will you (or will you) incorporate your angel into things?
My plan to survive is mainly to try and avoid my ILs. That's harsh, I know, but Christmas last year was hard and, I would even say, traumatic for me, and it was all so much worse because of them. So yeah, my plan is to avoid them as much as possible. We are staying home this year, and should be much more in control of our plans and everything this year.

To incorporate Colton, we have hung his stocking and all of his special little ornaments in the tree. We are also planning to decorate his tree that we planted in our backyard this past summer, probably on Christmas Eve. This is something I hope to do every year. I'm also trying to decide if/how I want to include him in our family Christmas card.

Maybe Joleisa

@Manada: Sending fluffy vibes to Canada! Does an IL infusion take 4 hours? (Dr. Google told me that.) I love that you wrote a letter and are laying low together this Christmas. ((hugs)) 

@stefuge: I'm having similar thoughts about including our boys somehow (discretely) on our cards. Lttle hearts? Little angels? Let me know what you come up with in case I want to copy it. I hope your time TTA passes quickly for you.

@bunnybun4: Sending fluffy lining vibes for your check on Thursday! 

@cheesypeas: How did your 7dpo bloodwork go? Rest assured you have a good doc! (Whenever I read about someone's OB bringing them in for day 21 bloodwork I cringe a little.)

AFM:

Where are you in your TTCAL journey? 8dp5dt

Do you have any relevant upcoming appointments? My clinic is quite cruel and schedules betas 2 weeks after transfer, which would've been next Monday at 14dp5dt. My birthday is on Thursday, so I negotiated coming in on Friday and promised I'd stay on my meds if beta was >5. Appt w/CVS tomorrow to pick up a FRER for Thursday morning. Last cycle I had a BFP dream and tested at 5dp5dt and then every day up until beta. Having to dart 2" needles in my ass for 1+ week more was pretty awful and made me really, really bitchy. 

QOTW: Milestones and holidays are difficult. What strategies do you have for surviving this holiday season? How will you (or will you) incorporate your angel into things? A dear friend sent me an ornament in the mail that reminded her of our boys and that she was thinking of us. I went to get a small tree this weekend, but for a million reasons left empty-handed. (Trees were out of stock, couldn't decide on ornaments, philosophical questions about how any future child/children would view special tree and then I got sad and left the store.)  Surviving Christmas? I'd like to just stay home, but probably won't. Our families live in opposite directions and we both had vacation time to burn at the end of last year, so we went our separate ways since when the twins arrived Christmas would start being at our house. Welp, not this year.

Open Topic: What is on your mind this week? Yesterday while walking into my work building an acquaintance asked how my twin boys were doing. When I told her what happened she apologized and asked how old they would've been, asked if we'll try again and then asked if I ever got the Rubella or Measles vaccine, because she told me that is what caused her m/c many years ago. It was all quite strange and if anyone is lurking for how to deal with a friend after loss, it is just fine to tell them you are sorry. 

CheesyPeas

@Manada, I'm so glad you joined us!  I hope everything goes perfectly with the FET.  Everything crossed for you ladies!  Your holiday plans sound like the perfect way to honor your girls.  I think I'll adopt your idea of writing a letter to your angels; I think it might help to get the complicated feelings out on paper about what should be such a wonderful holiday season but isn't.

@stefuge, I hope your time on the bench passes quickly and you end up really liking the new OB.  I can imagine a new doctor must add to the anxiety of navigating pregnancy again; hopefully he/she is extremely proactive and attentive to the needs of a loss mom.  I love the idea of decorating Colton's tree on Christmas Eve!  What a wonderful tradition for your family.  I'm not sending Christmas cards this year since they were supposed to be photo cards from Layla's newborn session that never happened BUT when we do pick back up the card tradition, I think I'm going to incorporate her into our cards with a stamp or picture - a heart, star, acorn (something I always associate with her since she's buried beneath a giant oak tree).  I feel like if I don't incorporate her, I'll feel guilt.

@MaybeJoleisa, I've said it before, and I'll say it again, EVERYTHING crossed for you, lady!  I'm so glad they're letting you break the 2 week rule and letting you come in Friday.  Please update us tomorrow after your FRER!!  **Living child mentioned** We have a small tree for Layla at home, and our living child currently loves it and talks about it being her tree.  If that changes at all in the future with him or with any rainbow children we will hopefully have, I think I'll explain it as a symbolic thing.  All of our ornaments go together on the big tree, and we celebrate Christmas together here on Earth.  Layla has her own little tree since she isn't here on earth but instead celebrating Christmas from afar in heaven.  If you think a tree for your boys would bring you happiness or comfort at all this year, I strongly encourage you to go for it.

AFM...

Where are you in your TTCAL journey?  7DPO of cycle 24 trying for #2, TTCAL cycle 4.  I had my blood taken for progesterone and AMH and am now just waiting to see if I need to push for AFC next cycle or a referral.  Unfortunately @MaybeJoleisa, I was told to get CD21 blood work but knew better.  I think had my doc remembered that I was charting, perhaps she would've instead instructed 7DPO but the nurse is pretty dense and hard to talk to.  When I pushed for AMH, she said "I have never heard of that before" so I had to explain it to her.  Thankfully she was still agreeable to faxing over the order for that test to the hospital if I wanted it but it made me realize just how non-fertility-oriented that office is despite their claim to specialize in infertility.

 

Do you have any relevant upcoming appointments?   Not at this point.  Waiting to see what my blood work shows and am taking it from there.  I might be pushing for a referral or I might be sitting tight for a while.

QOTW: Milestones and holidays are difficult. What strategies do you have for surviving this holiday season? How will you (or will you) incorporate your angel into things?  We have a little tree for our angel, and I plan to pick her up a stocking sometime too.  We purchased a grave pillow this week and I bought some Christmas stuff for her headstone vase.  I constantly think of the Christmas gifts I'm supposed to be buying her this year and how I'm instead just buying angel ornaments and a grave pillow.  I think perhaps in the future, I might buy gifts in her memory and donate them but I just don't have it in me to do it this year.  I'm too bitter to buy gifts for other babies.  I'm too angry at the people that get to enjoy their healthy babies while mine died, and have no desire to give them gifts when they're holding the ultimate gift in their arms.  I believe in my heart though, that those feelings will lessen with time and I'll be able to honor Layla in ways that help other people one day because I think she would like that.  This year, I'm mostly just trying to avoid things that rip my heart out.  Avoidance is the name of the game.

Open Topic: What is on your mind this week?  Just a lot of anxiety about holidays, my body's potentially old ovaries, and my dog.  My dog has something really weird going on with him.  He was diagnosed with lymphoma, and then the pathology tests that were sent off for confirmation came back saying it's not cancer, so he has another vet appointment today.  I really hope they can get him fixed up because I really don't want to lose him this year too.  The vet bills sure aren't helping the holiday stress either...

Manada

Update time!     (our update from today is below)

@stefuge - I think alot about how to incorporate our girls in family photos in the future.   We are on the list for Molly Bears and I love the photos of families and rainbows with the bears so I think that's what I am hoping for myself.   To always have our Molly Bears to hold in photos and to explain to Tavin & Casey's (hypothetical, hopeful) sibling(s) about their big sisters and their story.   I love your idea of a memory tree, we are also planning on having one planted from the city here, so maybe next year we can visit that for a little ceremony. 


@Maybe Joleisa@ - the IL took about 2 hours I think.  They ran it pretty quickly along with a bag of saline into her.  It is a fairly thick-looking opaque white fluid.   She said she couldn't feel it at all.   Fingers crossed for your Beta!   Our clinic also books betas for 2 weeks after a transfer.  With our twins we actually tested positive on a FRER at 6dp3dt, and so we bumped our betas up, but I think this time we will just do FRERs at home and wait out the 2 weeks -- just to avoid potential grey-area betas and that anxiety.   (Of course I say this now, but it could totally change).

@Cheesypeas - Thanks for the welcome!   We went straight to an RE because we had to buy sperm, but I remember that grey area early on well when we were still figuring out how to navigate the fertility bloodworks and when to push back.    For us it came down to insurance - we made alot of choices based on what was covered and what wasn't in early days (now we have fewer choices and throw everything at the wall hoping something sticks!).

I am with you about the gifts.  I keep thinking about what we would have done with our twins -- they wouldn't NEED anything yet, but maybe their grandparents would have bought them toys beyond their developmental age?   We would certainly have bought special outfits for them...   Bah - I can't buy gifts for any kids this year either.    We are arranging meals with family friends mostly, and visiting.   I can't do the mall - that place is a minefield of baby loss triggers.


Update from our Appointment: 
We were in this morning to check @Healz413's lining (tagging her in case she wants to participate), the lining was good - but very thick at 16mm, so our RE dialled back the estrogen a bit for now.   Our clinic always goes overboard on estrace and I remember my lining was thick too for our fresh transfer, but it stressed us both out a bit.   The RE says it's good though, and we went ahead with the intralipid infusion today as well.     

We start PIO shots (It'll be my first time as the giver for these ones!) on Tuesday, along with an antibiotic and a steroid they say helps prevent rejection of the embryo.   Our transfer is booked for next Friday (the 19th) so we won't be going in before that.   I'll have to drop off our consent forms later this week though - because we forgot that.   

Our visit to the clinic was a bit rocky because the nurses and the blood techs remember us (we're in our third year of TTC now) and so today was a day where we saw more people and they asked us about our pregnancy, and we had to tell them about our loss.   It was okay, but yeah - just drove home the fact that the vast majority of people who get pregnant there and are discharged go on to have healthy babies, and we were the unlucky ones.  That kind of sucks, and that sort of thing makes me hate the world and question why this happened to our babies.   Overall though, everyone was very kind and it hasn't totally ruined my day, but yeah......   

I still don't know what to think.  I told H. today that I feel like I've lost track of why we go to the clinic at all, it's just become something we do now out of habit.... like "oh, we haven't seen Dr. S in awhile, we should go in for another cycle"....  I totally don't associate those motions with the potential of actually getting a baby to bring home anymore.   Strange.  That's one for therapy probably.    

bunnybun4

@manada - GL this cycle...yay for a good lining.

@stefuge - sorry your IL's made your xmas so terrible last year.  I hope this one is a lot better now that you and DH can control your surroundings.

@maybejoleisa - everything is crossed for youuuuuu!!!  GL and Happy early birthday!

@cheesypeas - sorry you are having so many problems with your dr.  fx that your test results come back soon

bunnybun4

afm:

where are you in your ttcal journey?  cd13 of my FET cycle

any upcoming appts.? lining check in the morning to determine when they will transfer...so ready to get this show on the road!!!

QOTW: we have a few ornaments for her that we always hang together.  other than that I try to talk about her a lot.  I like the idea of incorporating her on xmas cards too (but I've already ordered this year )

what's on your mind this week?  ready to know if ivf has worked or not...so tired of waiting.

Maybe Joleisa

**BFP mentioned** . . . . . . . . . . I had a happy birthday FRER on Thursday morning--third birthday in a row I'm pg. I've felt pretty normal since 4dp5dt, but my beta yesterday reassured me that something is going on in there! (Did I mention the embryo got stuck in the catheter and had to be transferred a second time? I was convinced they transferred a drop of water and AF was coming.)

The Loss board has meant so much to me these past 10 months and I look forward to seeing everyone get their rainbow--however that happens. If anyone would like to take over the check-in, please post below.

schulme2

@Maybe Joleisa‌ yay!!! Congratulations! I knew this was going to be it for at least one of you! So happy for you!

stefuge

@Maybe Joleisa‌ - congratulations! I'm so happy for you! Hoping you have a long boring 9 months!

msunshine123

@Maybe Joleisa - congratulations!

CheesyPeas

Congrats, Maybe Joleisa!! So excited and happy for you! I had been wondering but didn't want to push you for an update in case it was bad news.

healz413

Congrats, @maybe joleisa!

Hi everyone. I'm @Manada's partner. I intro'd on the loss board back in late June or early July after we lost our twins at 21 weeks gestation and posted several times and read threads for a couple of months.

As Manada mentioned, we are planning to transfer on Friday. We have one day 3 embryo. This is by far the closest we've ever gotten to trying to get me pregnant and I'm starting to feel quite anxious (as well as excited and nervous). (We were going to do IUIs with me a year and a half ago, but then the RE found a hydrosalpinx and surgery determined that both tubes had to be removed.)

I'm spending a lot of time reading and thinking about what I can do to increase chances for the FET. I realize that most of it has to do with my lining and the quality of the embryo, but I want to do whatever I can to even possibly increase our chances. I've got acupuncture booked for before and after the transfer and am planning to do "pelvic rest." And I'm sure M will get me pineapple core.  

It's weird to not be posting on the LGBTParenting board, which was our main home for the last two years. I just am not fully ready to be back over there yet. They are fantastic but there are so many new BFPs and new babies all the time.

Maybe Joleisa

Well, the Universe might be kicking me in the face again--will have to wait until Wednesday to see what the next beta says. Friday's reassuring 16dpo beta had an 84.5 doubling time today at 19dpo.

Thank you all for the well wishes, I'll post this week's check-in when I get home later tonight.

Manada

@MaybeJoleisa - FX - I am late offering my congrats, but I really hope that beta picks up and is nice and reassuring!