Having trouble with guilt

schup156

I have several family members who have struggled with infertility (all of whom have gone on to adopt amazing children) and also a best friend who has now been trying to get pregnant for nearly 2 years.  With my first pregnancy she was the first person (besides MH) that I told (at the time they weren't trying yet) and this time around the idea of to telling her is killing me.

My husband and I have been crazy blessed.  We haven't exactly had to try to get pregnant this time (I had my Mirena out on 10/20 and had my BFP on 11/25) or the first time.  Normally no one would know how long we've been trying as it's not something I would openly discuss, but about a month before having my IUD removed my friend asked if MH and I were thinking of having a second child.  I stupidly mentioned that I was actually having the IUD removed the next month.  

I'm obviously very excited to be having a second child and this will most likely be my last pregnancy, but I feel like I'm not enjoying every moment of it or feeling the same way I did the first time around.  I can't help having this enormous guilt and as crazy as it seems have had thoughts about wishing it had taken us at least a little longer to conceive.  It just doesn't seem fair that such wonderful people have to struggle so much to start a family.  I know that I have no control over their fertility or my own but the guilt is still very strong.  Then I have guilt about not feeling as overjoyed like I remember I was with my first child.  And then of course I feel stupid for even focusing on my guilt....which only adds to the guilt, ugh!

I don't have the slightest clue how to tell my friend.  I want to be sensitive to how she might feel but I don't want it to seem impersonal or that I'm treating her differently.  We've been best friends for over 10 years and it's just killing me.  Any advice or anyone dealing with anything similar?

DaisyZH

I would suggest telling your friend over the phone so that it will be easier for her and she won't feel pressure to look happy.  I'm sure she will be very happy for you, but TTC struggles are so personal and tricky she may need some time to process.

You sound like a caring friend and there is only so much you can do.  Try not to feel guilty, just be as sensitive as possible.  Also don't feel guilty about feeling guilty - part of motherhood is feeling guilty lol, you will cherish and love this child just as much as your first.  

schup156

@bibliothecary thank you for the link!

queenb+

I agree with telling her over the phone. Text/email is too impersonal, but it may be hard for her if you did it in person.

I haven't had trouble conceiving, but we lost a baby in the summer and a month later my best friend became pregnant. She told me how terrible she felt and how scared she was to tell me. To be honest it was hard to hear and I definitely had a little cry after - but I was also overwhelmingly happy for her. I'm sure your friend would NEVER wish for you to go through the same struggles as she has. Plus getting excited for your baby gives her something positive to focus on.

BethKate2

There's no need to feel guilty. Just be sensitive to your friend's feelings and know that it may take her a while to be excited for you. For me, I had a very difficult time dealing with pregnant friends. It usually wasn't until the baby was born that I was able to start really feeling happy for them.

ShellyR

I can't quote because I'm mobile, but please read through that link before you tell your friend over the phone. As somebody who struggled/struggles, I would MUCH rather just see it in writing so I have time to react.

ronniesgirl1981

I'll second the suggestion to send an email or something similar. When you are infertile, you would never wish it on anyone else, but it is still very difficult to react appropriately without warning. She needs five minutes to handle her own emotions and then she will be happy for you.

bethyviz

I totally know how you feel. I've had to deal with this with all of my pregnancies. If they love you they will be excited for you. They will ache a little bit they know how precious pregnancy is and will not be mad at you.

Ps I posted about this same thing. A little different but same theme.