So, things with ex are no better but life in general for me is getting better personally (with some major bumps in the road related to him still not paying child support thanks to his lawyer).
To start off, IB is acting out lots and lots. I hate to sound crass, but it's as though I'm caring for a puppy. She pees all over. Poops all the time. Meltdowns. Screaming. Etc. All of her usual behaviors but more exaggerated and frequent. Probably because of everything happening. I generally treat this neutrally. I simply make the comment that we use the potty for peeing and to remember she can poop on the potty too if she wants (she still hasn't done that, but ex has told me he puts her on the potty while she is in the middle of going......against the advice of her psychologist). I ignore all of her screaming, melting down, throwing her toys, etc. She does this all the time now over having to sit in a car seat, having to wear a coat, getting her hair combed, etc. I use the visual schedule, I ignore negative behaviors, and reward positive ones. This is what the psychologist says to do.
Ex says that none of these behaviors happen in his home and that IB is extremely happy with him and I am the problem. She is adjusting to her new life (his GF, her kids, etc) great and it's my fault. He wants to take her out of her school (thankfully this is in our temp orders that he cannot), says that he can use text messages from mos ago to take her (I've learned this is a very baseless threat and I ignore it now), etc. I have been to her psychologist. She has only been acquainted with me two months. So I feel like she thinks she has to remain impartial and say nothing because she doesn't have a baseline of our family. She has said to me on more than one occasion that I seem to have a better understanding of IB's behavior and have a better handle on it. Well, yeah, I'm the one who did all the therapy. He only recently started going because his lawyer told him to. I have tried to get her to give me some kind of acknowledgement, statement about what my child's needs will be during this divorce and I got no response.
So I went to the director of that department. She knows me and has been following IB for three years now. She diagnosed her. I told her everything that has happened-him moving out, what our parenting schedule has been, him introducing her to his new GF and children six weeks after he moved out, taking her to camp in an area not appropriate and completely unsafe and ignoring all of my attempts to compromise with him about it (diff campsite so she's safer, I offered to baby sit for him and GF so he could still go, I was basically told to shut up and he could do whatever he wanted), and this past Monday he left her stranded at day care knowing I couldn't pick her up and it took me two hours to get to her. She pooped in her bed that night. After I shared all of this with the developmental pedi, she agreed to give me some kind of statement about what IB's needs are during the divorce. She says the acting out is normal and I am not at fault. She was in agreement that his behavior is not very good for her, but it's so so hard to get a professional to say that on paper because it's kind of unethical to do so. Even when I need it. I basically begged her to please put aside any of her feelings about my ex or I regardless of what they are and just be partial to my daughter. Tell us what her needs are so I can show it to a judge in case he refuses, again, to do the best thing for her. I'm still waiting on the letter. I'm so worried.
Before anyone mentions it: No I cannot get sole custody. People keep telling me I'm stupid for not trying, etc. No, I live in KY. It isn't me or my lawyer not doing the right things. 50/50% sole custody in KY is the standard. I would have to prove he is abusing drugs/alcohol, abuses her, or something of that nature to get sole custody. My ex doesn't do those things, he just makes very poor decisions and continues to act as though he can treat her as a typical child during this divorce. He refuses to coparent. If I thought I could get sole custody, I don't even know how I'd feel about it. The idea of her seeing him that much less upsets me and I can't say for sure I think that it would be a good thing for her. What I want is for him to starting acting like the dad he was and stop letting his control issues cloud everything but I don't know if that will happen. I haven't been perfect either, but I have at least kept her home life stable and the same as it always was. Most of her my faults were related to being angry about divorce, angry over the GF, etc.....which is all behind me now.
Any advice is appreciated. I've tried reasoning with him. He thinks IB isn't affected by the divorce at all and I'm making everything up to take her-100% not true. Even when we had no custody orders at all, I let him have her every weekend because I know she loves and misses him. Is there any good literature out there about this that I can find online? Something I can send him and say 'Here, this is what I'm talking about'. I don't know how to make him set aside our resentments over the marriage (and it's hard for me to do too) and choose what is best for IB. Not what he can do to upset or hurt or take away from me.