No bd in my fertile window

C_Girlie

Clearly this wasn't my choice. This was my second cycle TTC with accupuncture. Everything was going great after AF DH & I was bd regularly every other day, every third day & some back-back. In the meantime I would poas to see when I would O, alongside with temping. I got my positive and I wanted to bd that night. Well DH acted like a total bitch, telling me I was turning him off cause I wanted to bd. it's very annoying because when I'm not fertile he says things like I wanna get you pregnant or we need to have sex more frequently so I can get you pregnant. Then when I'm fertile he has the mysterious phantom headache or back pains. This has been happening for months.

We both are compromised he has low morphology/testosterone and I have a shortened LP.

We are in the process of buying a home. Hopefully we'll be closing within 10 days. He keeps telling me we should focus on the house. He is right but with our age and issues we should try to bd when I'm very fertile. So needless to say the last time we bd was 13 days ago. I decided that if you don't wanna bd when I'm very fertile, then leave me alone. For the next 4 nights in a row he was like a pathetic begging dog. He would wake me up at all different hours throughout the night. Because of that I was never able to sleep for at least 3 hours. So I never had three days of elevated temps. FF says I O on a much later date than I usually do, & 4 days after my positive. I usually O two days after a positive.

AF is expected tmow. Perhaps next cycle DH will act correctly. If you've survived this novel thanks. I feel better getting this off my chest

MySallyGirl

That is super frustrating. It almost makes it sound like he's not fully on board with ttc. Could that be the case...slight sabotage? My dh is on paxil and that can affect his libido sometimes. My luteal phase is off also, so I can relate to the stress of that part of it. I want dh to save the effort until we're really fertile since it can be pita sometimes. I hope your dh gets on the same page as you next cycle!

C_Girlie

---->child mentioned<----
@MySallyGirl‌ thx. His approach is if it happens, it happens. That's how we conceived DS, but both of us was young me29, him 31

wvarn

Sorry @C_Girlie you DH is being a ass.  I hope he comes around.

@MySallyGirl my DH is also on paxil so I know the struggles your going through. It gets so very frustrating to both of us when he can't finish. 

KirstenAlecia

Oh man that has to be frustrating. I would be really upset too. 

Is there a way you can throw him off? Maybe less sharing of info as far as when your fertile window is. Maybe no action for a few days prior will have him begging at a "better" time? 

hugs and good luck with getting him on board.

gscoville

C_Girlie said:

Clearly this wasn't my choice. This was my second cycle TTC with accupuncture. Everything was going great after AF DH & I was bd regularly every other day, every third day & some back-back. In the meantime I would poas to see when I would O, alongside with temping. I got my positive and I wanted to bd that night. Well DH acted like a total bitch, telling me I was turning him off cause I wanted to bd. it's very annoying because when I'm not fertile he says things like I wanna get you pregnant or we need to have sex more frequently so I can get you pregnant. Then when I'm fertile he has the mysterious phantom headache or back pains. This has been happening for months. We both are compromised he has low morphology/testosterone and I have a shortened LP. We are in the process of buying a home. Hopefully we'll be closing within 10 days. He keeps telling me we should focus on the house. He is right but with our age and issues we should try to bd when I'm very fertile. So needless to say the last time we bd was 13 days ago. I decided that if you don't wanna bd when I'm very fertile, then leave me alone. For the next 4 nights in a row he was like a pathetic begging dog. He would wake me up at all different hours throughout the night. Because of that I was never able to sleep for at least 3 hours. So I never had three days of elevated temps. FF says I O on a much later date than I usually do, & 4 days after my positive. I usually O two days after a positive. AF is expected tmow. Perhaps next cycle DH will act correctly. If you've survived this novel thanks. I feel better getting this off my chest

I'm sorry, I know you're frustrated and all, but the names you're calling your husband and the way you're talking about him are quite frankly awful.  A "total bitch" and a "pathetic dog", yikes!  I might get frustrated with my hubby from time to time, but I'd never disprespect him like this in public.  I do know TTC can be difficult and stressful, which is why we really need to pay special attention to our relationships and take great care with them, and with our spouse.  Maybe get some counselling?  You seem to have a lot of underlying resentment.

Also, consider what the pressure of performing on cue can do to a guy - having sex (yes, we're all adults here and can say sex instead of bd) and orgasming can be all in a guy's head, and if he's ordered to have sex and feels pressured that can be a huge turnoff.  Especially if he's already aware he has low levels and, dealing with low testosterone, he likely has lower sex drive to begin with, not to mention carrying a lot of guilt about 'not being a real man'.  Guys really take problems with their reproductive system personally, which can totally mess with their mental state, prevent them from finishing, and then they don't even want to have sex the next time for fear of a repeat non-performance.

My hubby often had this problem, if I told him I was ovulating and we had to have sex, he often couldn't finish.  I found things went much better if I didn't order him to have sex, rather, if I kept my ovulation a secret and just had fun sex it made him feel like I wanted him for HIM, not just like I was treating him like a sperm donor.  I try to imagine what it would be like if I HAD to orgasm to get pregnant, and I know that if that was the case, I probably wouldn't - this is how our guys feel, I really do feel bad for them!  Try to be patient and understanding, getting angry and adding pressure onto him will only mess with his head and feed the vicious cycle of him not being able to perform when needed.

KirstenAlecia

 ^^^I think sometimes we do forget the pressure we put on our men when we have babies on the brain. 

hooligans4

I agree with not letting him know when FW is. Tell him you ovulated a week before you actually do then he should be all over you the next week. Good luck next month and I hope closing goes smoothly.

emsmama15

I'm so sorry your husband isn't cooperating during your fertile time. I have to agree with @gscoville‌ though. My hubby has never had problems with erections or finishing until we started using a trigger shot and were basically "prescribed" when to have sex. It's hard for me to not get frustrated because I know he is, but I try to be patient. It's tough on them too. Good luck!

C_Girlie

@gscoville‌ when I said he was acting like a "total bitch" I was expressing how I felt at that time. Perhaps my choice of wording was harsh. He was acting emotional, like yourself. Anyway at that the time I was extremely pissed off but I didn't yell or curse at him at all. We talked like two mature adults and I went to sleep disappointed. Usually if something is stressing me out I can't sleep that good. I slept very well. It's very frustrating because he tries to act like he doesn't understand how ovulation works. He was a bio major, so I know he gets it. He told me I get bossy when I approach O. So if I don't tell him he knows anyway. His main priority is buying the house not TTC. Claims we have plenty of time. Like I also mentioned both of us are compromised. So if I'm not getting pg it's not his fault, it's a combo, but more on my end. He has a normal sex drive in the perfect world he'd want to have sex at least 5x a week, finishing is never a problem and its doesn't take a long time for him to ejaculate (lol he's not a minute man, thank goodness). The only time he had a problem ejaculating is when we did our first and only iui. He was able to provide a sample eventually that day, but we had to make a later appointment. Counseling isn't needed, none of you ladies personally know me or DH so if I talk about him in a negative tone I'm venting. We've been together for 19 years, married 9 of those years. We've never had to sleep in separate rooms/couch because we're mad at each other, we have a good relationship. I'm starting to panic because of my age, we're running outta time.

To @KirstenAlecia‌, @hooligans4‌, & @Heath&amp;Jas‌ thanks for your input

gscoville

C_Girlie said:

@gscoville‌ when I said he was acting like a "total bitch" I was expressing how I felt at that time. Perhaps my choice of wording was harsh. He was acting emotional, like yourself. 

Um, seriously?  Acting like a bitch = acting emotional = like myself?  It's quite offensive for you to equate being emotional with being a total bitch.  I guess when I was all 'emotional' and crying over my ectopic loss almost two years ago I was just being a total bitch.  And when my doctor told me to stop TTC because of my health concerns and I cried, I was being a total bitch.  Thanks so much for clarifying my bitchy ways to me.

C_Girlie

If the shoe fits wear it! Words can mean many things. Yes you was sounding emotional. No I didn't call you a bitch. I didn't make this post to pick an Internet fight either. I was venting. @gscoville‌ you now have the option of continuing to argue, or you can keep it moving. Thx for the chuckle this morning

gscoville

C_Girlie said:

If the shoe fits wear it! Words can mean many things. Yes you was sounding emotional. No I didn't call you a bitch. I didn't make this post to pick an Internet fight either. I was venting. @gscoville‌ you now have the option of continuing to argue, or you can keep it moving. Thx for the chuckle this morning

I'm glad my hardships TTC give you a chuckle. 

C_Girlie

We are all here on this board because of trouble TTC after 35. I'm not poking at you for your troubles @gscoville‌ , I'm in the same boat. So lets move on

gscoville

gscoville said:

I guess when I was all 'emotional' and crying over my ectopic loss almost two years ago I was just being a total bitch.  And when my doctor told me to stop TTC because of my health concerns and I cried, I was being a total bitch.  

C_Girlie said:

If the shoe fits wear it!  [snip for brevity] Thx for the chuckle this morning

C_Girlie said:

We are all here on this board because of trouble TTC after 35. I'm not poking at you for your troubles @gscoville‌ , I'm in the same boat. So lets move on

Did you even read what I said before spewing hurt?  We're not at all in the same boat, I'm no longer allowed to TTC any more, and you found that funny.  "Thx for the chuckle this morning".  That's not something I can 'move on' from, quite honestly. 

tlc35

@C_girlie I probably should stay out of this but I cannot stand by while a Iong-time, thoughtful supportive member of our board is treated like this.
You are the one who is acting like a bitch in this thread.  I understand you are frustrated and venting but @gscoville was trying point out why your thought process is not productive to your goal and show you another perspective and in turn you insult her with low blows.
That is not OK.  You need to check yourself.

Nikolie93

@c_girlie I'd like to say I'm sorry for your frustrations but I don't understand your response to @gscoville‌ . I don't think she was being emotional at all and although you may not have liked hearing it, it did come across that you were quite angry with your husband. If you read the rest of her response she actually had some really good advice.

I understand one can get defensive when counseling is brought up but she really was trying to help. You mention counseling isn't needed and we don't personally know you and that is true, we only know what your choose to share. What you shared just seems like you two are going through a tough time, that's all.

The chuckling part wasn't right

I really do hope you guys work things out! Like someone said maybe you don't tell him about FW and just seduce him, he will never know

AuntieMissy76

So....back to the reason for the post in the first place - men not performing during the FW (for whatever reason). I agree with @gscoville about not telling them when the FW happens. Less pressure. If I could not know myself I totally would, but they call me and tell me when I have to come in and when I am ovulating. I usually try to lie to my DH and tell him I ovulate later than I do (he is pretty clueless about the science of it) and that helps a LOT.  He feels like we are being intimate, not that we are trying to create life, and although that is the ultimate goal for us both, I think there is less pressure and less to think about other than just wanting each other.

Good luck!

C_Girlie

@gscoville‌ the chuckle was due to our argument not for your troubles. Reread what I wrote. Sry for ur loss, I've also lost a pregnancy. Despite mine happening years ago before I naturally successfully conceived. For those who have ever lost a baby we know how it really feels. I would never laugh or make fun of someone, that's just cruel. @Nikolie93‌ Yes I did get defensive when counseling was mentioned, you got it. . @gscoville‌ The "moving on" quote was me saying I'm done arguing lets forget it and discuss something else, mainly the post. @tlc35‌ I'm not here to make enemies and if you feel I'm acting negative then why get involved? You are only adding fuel to the fire that I was trying to put out by once again saying "lets move on". Care to respond or go kick rocks, & go check yourself!! @AuntieMissy76‌ thanks for your advice and good luck to you in your TTC journey. Perhaps once we finally close he will be different. He did reveal to me today that he's experiencing some anxiety, the home purchase is getting to him. Good luck to all of you ladies even if we all don't agree on everything

Teenie16

I was in the same boat as you. We were ttc while I was working 70+ hrs/week and trying to close on our house. We too were having trouble with him having the desire on the correct nights. My OB gave me the advice to not tell him when I was ovulating because of the pressure. And when he and I talked about it he told me it was too much pressure on him.
After we closed on the house and I stopped telling him every little detail things became so much easier for us.
I know I'm repeating what others have said but I feel your frustration because I've been there.

C_Girlie

Thx @Teenie16‌, and very good luck with you

KirstenAlecia

There are so many of us with losses and who have trouble TTC. I REALLY do not believe there is one single person who would purposely want to cause any others hurt feelings in this topic. It is also an emotional roller coaster. I can see it being hard to easily not know the tone of someones post or response or miss something in that posting and take it really personal. 

My heart hurts for @gscoville not being able to continue TTC. That has to be heartbreaking. I think going through her journey would make anyone very aware of the highly emotional toll this can take on everyone.....husbands included. We should be aware of what it does to them as well. We can't after all do it alone. So thank you for helping me remember that.

@C-girlie while its definitely for different reasons, I understand having frustration with DH.  I really hope that you can find a solution to that one way or the other. The only thing i can suggest is to become very aware of how you interact with him at all times. Try and always keep that "he says i get bossy" at the forefront of your awareness and maybe curb that need to take control or "bossy" as he takes it. I know how stressed you must feel.