~ Loss Check-In ~

CherryPicked

Hi ladies, I hope you have been kind to yourselves this week.  

Welcome to the check-in! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too. 

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way?  How do you deal with that pressure?

mrslucid

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
I created a facebook page called Answers for Ava to promote the sudden death in research bill.  The bill got passed on Wednesday so I was happy about that.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Ava's birthday is next Saturday.  We are having a open house and collecting Toys for Tots.  My goal is just to get through the day, her first birthday since she left us.

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way?  How do you deal with that pressure?

No most have been supportive.

CC1017

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

My husband and I have been talking more. We've had some good conversations and some bad conversations, but overall I think we are moving in the right direction.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself?

I'm going back to work next week. I'm a little nervous. I work with kids and frequently babies. Sometimes in the course of conversation parents will ask me if I have kids. It's just going to be a difficult question to answer now.

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way? How do you deal with that pressure?

This is what my husband and I have been struggling with. We both have very different grieving styles and we haven't been very respectful of each others different style. We both want each other to grieve in our own style. So we've been just trying to talk more and that seems to be helping.

shandorfml2

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(((hugs))) to those ladies who need them!

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 
Hmm. Had a good therapy session this week. Been thinking of her more as we get closer to the holidays
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Figure out how I want to include Ana in our Christmas. This will be our 2nd without her. (rainbow mentioned) Now that we are getting ready for our rainbow, I will need to put Ana's stuff away. We've already boxed up the "girl" stuff, and now we know for sure it is a boy, we'll need to put her stuff somewhere. 

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way?  How do you deal with that pressure? I think in the begining they did. "return to work" was a big one...putting a time line on it. Now, people are pretty quiet about it and don't say much to me. 

shandorfml2

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@CC1017, GL with your return to work. Pace yourself and be kind to yourself

Littleowl913

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 
I finally made that call to the Therapist.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 
I made an appointment with the Therapist my high risk doc recommended. It's been a rough couple of weeks so I'm hoping this will help.
QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way?  How do you deal with that pressure? Well my FIL told me not to be so sad  because he hates seeing me that way.  We have to put the past behind us and look towards the future - less than two weeks after we lost Ronin. I ignored him because that was all I had energy for. Both ILs are really pushing their beliefs on me and what will help us get pregnant again. I'm starting to feel resentful towards them so it's time to talk to DH about it.

Manada

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

Not especially.   I haven't posted here much lately as we've been attending a fair amount of local baby-loss groups, but I am back at work more now --- which sucks really - so I'm trying to get online more for support and to connect with people. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
We don't really.   Just getting through the holidays will be something.  We're not going to "do" Christmas this year, but we're going to visit with family, so just getting through all of the visiting and travelling emotionally intact will be something.

I also would still like to make a photo book or something for Tavin & Casey that has their ultrasound pics, their birthstory, and my pregnancy photos in it.   I haven't gotten around to that yet, but I do want to make sure I get it done at some point - so that we have it to look through on days that are feeling really hard.     Losing our girls has been a horrible experience, but having them was so wonderful -- it's so strange to be both sad and be able to smile at how beautiful and amazing they were at the same time.

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way?  How do you deal with that pressure?
It's funny, 5 months out now and it feels way harder than it did in the beginning.   The shock is gone and the sadness is just there, plus the horror of the experience.   I've been hit with alot of my trauma around what happened lately, and that's been hard.   I think there's this assumption by the HR department at my work that it will just get better.... and it really is like riding waves.    Two steps forward and one step back... or maybe 3 steps back.

shandorfml2

@Manda the way you describe it is exactly my experience. After about 3 months when the shock wares off, it does get worse for a while. And it is exactly like waves. It does get easier with time. (((hugs)))

lexusolsen

shandorfml2 said:

@Manda the way you describe it is exactly my experience. After about 3 months when the shock wares off, it does get worse for a while. And it is exactly like waves. It does get easier with time. (((hugs)))

I completely agree. Once the shock wears off, you are stuck with reality. And the reality is, we don't have our babies. It's difficult to figure out how to live with that. Doing it forever seems daunting.

stefuge

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? These past couple months have felt like more steps backwards than forwards. I find myself falling back into my old coping habits - shopping, eating, staying "busy". Like PP said, the waves of grief - I am definitely in a low. Like lexusolsen said, I feel the "forever" part has really sunk in lately and it is daunting.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Just get through Christmas. And try to avoid too much then with my ILs, which I know is awful but they push all of my buttons and I just don't have the energy for it this time of year.

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way? How do you deal with that pressure? I've had a couple "well-meaning" friends suggest I focus on the good memories and try to be happy again. That really rubbed me the wrong way - I don't need you telling me how to grieve. And my ILs - they act like Colton didn't exist - like I shouldn't still be upset. But for the most part, our support has been amazing.

jonahsma

Sorry to see so many new loss moms here ((hugs))

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Nothing new, keeping myself busy.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I have been walking/running with my cousin and I've lost close to 30lbs! We plan on training soon for run Disney 2015. I'm so excited,I want to run in honor of my Angel babies.

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way?  How do you deal with that pressure?
No,
No-one even mentions anything. Dh says that no one mentions anything because they are afraid I will snap at them. I don't really grieve in front of anyone.
 

Mrs.EvilQueen

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 
We have committed to joining a group, and have been in contact with another grieving couple.  And really started talking more about what happened.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Back to work is coming up soon, and is giving me a lot of anxiety .  I'm hoping to try and get back into some kind of routine to make the transition easier.

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way?  How do you deal with that pressure?
My Dad mentioned that "I can't wallow in it, and that I'm not the only one that is sad".  So that obviously really pissed me off.  I have noticed, like some of you, that my initial reaction has worn of and now it's just a much deeper, far reaching sadness.  My therapist has been working with me to try and deal with the trauma from the delivery. 

CherryPicked

@mrslucid - I'm so glad the bill was passed!  Thinking of you as you approach Ava's first birthday.

@CC1017 - It's great that you and your husband are talking more.  Praying that you continue to find support in each other. ((hugs))

@shandorfml2 - I'm glad you had a good therapy session this week.  Hugs to you as you put more of Ana's stuff away.

@Littleowl913 - Congratulations on taking that first step of making an appointment.  I hope that you find therapy helpful and healing.

@Manada - The photo book is a lovely idea.  I made one and I love looking at my pictures on the tough days.  ((hugs))

@stefuge - I'm so sorry that your ILs have not been more supportive.  Having people, especially family, ignore your loss is the worst : (

@jonahsma - Congratulations on the weight loss!  That is amazing!  Running that race is a beautiful way to honor your angel babies.

@Mrs.EvilQueen - Hugs to you as you go back to work soon.

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

We went to a memorial service put on by Caroline's hospice care providers and it was a beautiful service.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

The next goal is to survive the holidays.  One day at a time.

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way?  How do you deal with that pressure?  

DH and I have been communicating well about our grief, and he has been a great source of support.  We seem to grieve similarly.  We have not had much pressure about our grief, but we also live far away from family so I think there'd be more comments if they were witnessing our grief.

Maybe Joleisa

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? 

Not really. I think of our boys constantly and how life was supposed to be *at any given point* and then I fall back into the disbelief that this really happened. I guess that keeps me at the "feeling sorry for myself" stage of loss. 

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? 

I want to print their pictures and frame them. I have 4 x 6s the hospital gave us, but my sister took my favorite photo of them and I only have it digital. I used to look through their memory box all the time; now I think I'm avoiding it. Not because I want to forget, but because remembering hurts.

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way?  How do you deal with that pressure?  

I don't feel pressure, because like @jonahsma, no one mentions anything. While Elizabeth Edwards lost her 19 year old son, I love the words behind one of her quotes: 

“If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention
them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that
they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What
you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and
...that is a great gift.”

CherryPicked

@flutterfly88 - Don't worry about being late - you can check in whenever you'd like!  I relate to being able to let my emotions out when alone the easiest - for me driving to/from work is the best place to have a good cry.

@Maybe Joleisa - I love the quote you shared.  Hearing Caroline's name is like music to my ears.

@willvilljill - I am so sorry for your loss.  I have found this board to be a great source of support and hope that you will too.  If you feel comfortable sharing, we would love to know your son's name.

CherryPicked

@Happyin14 - I tend to share quotes and articles through social media and hope that friends and family read them.  It does feel a little needy, but I actually am needy right now and just don't care what people think.  I think it is important to educate people about grief.

CC1017

@willvilljill I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. It sucks to have to welcome anyone to this board. I also identify as an atheist and I really connected with the way you described your pregnancy as an outlier. Immediately following my loss, I really struggled with not having religious beliefs and not believing in a heaven. It was just so hard to believe she was simply gone. But the way you described it made a lot of sense. Also, don't let anyone make you feel bad about the way you are grieving. It is such an individual experience and there is no right way. It sounds like you have some amazing support and understanding with your DH and I wish you peace through the holidays.

justyhaunani

Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?

I have been reading this book "pregnancy loss, surviving miscarriage and stillborn" by an Australian author Zoe Taylor. It has helped me a lot! It's helping me connect wit wat I'm feeling and makin this experience & grief feel a little more normal. I would recommend it to anyone. It makes me cry, it makes me very sad at times I have to put it down and go back, but it also give me hope n a sense of comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?

I found a support group I want to join. Also I want to communicate with my bf more, he encourages it all the time yet I'm always shutting down on him. My plan is to communicate as much as I can to him.

QOTW: Does anyone put pressure on you to grieve a certain way? How do you deal with that pressure?

No, no one really asks how I'm doing, even if they did I don't say anything... Just say I'm ok even if I'm falling apart inside

justyhaunani

@willvilljill‌ sorry to hear about your loss, I'm pretty new to this board as well, so far it has helped me find comfort and support.

Littleowl913

Thanks @Happyin14‌ and @kderoy‌. I actually went to the therapist Tuesday night. She was very sweet. She said she was here as my support and validated everything I was feeling. She also said my grief is very normal and the holidays are probably making me more emotional. I felt like she was basically telling me I really don't need therapy but she's here for me whenever I feel I need it.