Normal Toddler??

2chatter

For some time I have been concerned about some of DS' behaviors.  He's my third, and I haven't seen anything like it from children with consistency and limits.

Here are the things that concern me.  He cannot handle some rather strange things. 

A cereal bar that slides out of the wrapper results in an hour long freak out. 

This morning we went to Starbucks for a little time one on one after dropping the girls at school and his pumpkin bread was 1) heated and 2) broken in half.  He could not get over it.  Not even a little bit.  He was still screaming insanely 30 minutes later when I dropped him off at DC.  Three different men approached him at Starbucks and tried to talk to him and one brought him a freaking new slice that was not broken and no traction. 

He cannot make a choice.  Ever.  And if he does, he regrets it and loses it.  He has skipped getting a toy at the store because he could not choose which dinosaur and just fell on the floor crying hysterically and chose "none" over having to choose.  I have tried to make this simple with one or two choices, making one choice really unpalatable ($20 truck he loves versus hot pink matchbox).  I have tried so many things.  The girls like different flavors of yogurt; I wish I could buy only one kind because that is 45 minutes of screaming when he cannot choose or I just give him one.

If he drops something it is all.over.  Zero ability to rebound, no ability to pick it up, etc.

It just....really worries me.  He screams a lot at school and they cannot determine really why - it is such small things.  I don't know what to think or do.  Thoughts??

[Deleted User]

I would discuss these with your pedi. It could be nothing but you would have peace of mind instead of wondering.

HobbityBarb

My only thought is that he sounds one hell of a lot like my son

I'm not offering suggestions of a diagnosis, but since my husband has ADD, we are going through the process of a referral for an ADD diagnosis for my son and there's probably some sensory processing issues with my son too.

There again it might just be normal toddler - a lot of these things are only judged a problem if they don't grow out of it.

I second pp's suggestion and a quick chat with his doctor - if for no other reason than to get it in his chart so that if you go for help later you can show that it's been a concern for a long time.

2chatter

We changed peds at 18 months (we moved and I was heartbroken to leave our ped - who was MY ped), then again at 24 months.  The first new ped was a total jerk and didn't even let me ask the question.  The ped we have now really seemed unphased....I felt I could not get across to him that this is not your run of the mill melt down and it happens every.single.time these scenarios arise.  I am considering taking two different snacks to the visit and asking him which one he wants in front of the ped so he can see what I mean.

Fallbaby11

I wonder if it is a sensory delay?  This generally looks like a behavioral issue.  My son has this and we just thought he was a difficult child. We went through the school system to have him assessed and he receives services through early childhood special education.  This has helped immensely and has provided so many resources for my DH and I.

alli2672

Well, here are my $0.02.  I work with kids with mental illness, and have a particularly difficult child myself.  First of all, you are right.  That isn't completely normal.  Most kids don't have 45 minute temper tantrums, and the fact that your child's preschool teacher finds this is unusual means that you probably have an unusually difficult child to parent. 

On the other hand, he isn't that abnormal.  And I am not sure there would be more benefit than harm to getting a diagnosis of a mental illness, medication, therapy, etc.  He isn't getting kicked out of daycare.  You can still bring him out (in fact, it seems like you have had previous experiences of bringing him to starbucks and toystores where this didn't happen), and most importantly, he has two parents who are bright, educated, dedicated parents to help him through these overwhelming emotions. 

If I were you, I would not push the pedi for meds and a diagnosis.  Not at 2 years old anyway.  Maybe do a little counseling with someone who specializes in pre-verbal children to help give you some ideas on parenting and how to get through to your son to express his emotions before he gets so overwhelmed.  I have also seen this book be really helpful for a lot of parents, but I will warn you that it takes months after implementing the techniques to really see a big difference:

 https://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-Chronically-ebook/dp/B000W968NW/ref=pd_sim_kstore_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=0W92WEVHRC9BYS6AXW7J

djm31012

I am on the fence with this. On the one hand, do I think it sounds totally normal? No. I think it sounds a little bit OCD. On the other hand....the last week or so my almost 2 year old FLIPS OUT whenever dinner isnt ready as soon as he wants it, or we try to put on his coat. How long has this behavior going on? Is he a good verbal communicator? Because the other part of me just thinks toddlers are insane. One day they love something, the next they hate it, and that part is normal. Your son may be a little more extreme/dramatic than others. But that could just be a way of him expressing his opinions and individuality. If its a relatively new issue, I would give it a little more time and see how he does as he grows more. If you are very concerned, force the issue with his pedi to take a closer look.

bumpuser10331514

I know nothing. That said, it could be that he's got a higher-than-average anxiety level. My DH has anxiety issues that set off DS. When that happens, we use a little different strategy to get DS to chillax than with your usual meltdown.

CarrieB.

I also don't know if this is normal or not, but I would take away all choices and just try to remove yourself immediately from situations when he melts down.

Toddlers are weird and things that bother them can change every day. My daughter, who is three, freaks out if you give her pink plate to the baby. But she can calm herself down. On Peg plus Cat on PBS they count backwards from 5 to calm which is a nice trick.

potbellypig

This does not sound normal to me....

2chatter

So after the Starbucks meltdown he told his teacher "Mommy was not happy".  So now I feel like the worst mom ever.

He has been like this for as long as I can remember.  He's super super verbal - that is what his teacher said makes it harder.  He will verbally talk through things sometimes - like with a snack "I don't like the orange yogurt it's not really a popsicle...I like the vanilla yogurt....I don't like the strawberry yogurt...the strawberries are slimy."  Then he will choose the strawberry yogurt, cry about it a lot and then eat it (45 minutes later).  It's like he KNOWS he isn't deciding/making good choices.  Trying to talk him through what he verbalizes makes him really, really angry.  He does not want input.  He frequently tell me "you please do not speak right now."

This morning it was cheese.  I let them have cheese after fruit.  DS chose a sliced square.  DD chose a wrapped block.  DS said he did not want a block.  After they both ate, and he was struggling with it but not melting down - he was more freaked out that it would bend or break while he was eating it - he totally lost it and said to "take it back" and give him the other one.  This 20 minute tantrum resulted in me transitioning him into the classroom (thank god his buddy was there) and sitting down with the teacher who told me I need to be consistent (which made me want to scream that 1) she was missing the point and 2) I am not the one making choices). 

I think it doesn't help that I am solo with the kids all week.  I just am not sure what to do.  I am going to check out the book linked and re-read the responses with DH.  When he finally gets home.

bumpuser10331514

That would break my heart to see my DS struggling so much. To a great extent it sounds like normal toddler stuff (I want my cheese in small bite size pieces, but I don't want you to cut it), but also like there's anxiety there. Would it be productive to ask him if it would be easier for him if you decided rather than offer him a choice? Or maybe point out that you are giving him "choice 1" now and then you will give him "choice 2" later - to help ease the stress of making the "right" decision?

rubber_chicken

Totally not qualified to have an opinion here, but it sounds like either ADD or Anxiety.  My best friend has had lifelong anxiety, and her husband has had lifelong ADD.  Their son is nearly 4 and has one or the other - the issues he's had sound like the ones your son is having.  Their son is currently being evaluated by Early Intervention.  There's behavior therapy they can offer that doesn't involve medication.

Peedy

My 5 year old niece is having the decision making problem. She also has a really difficult time if someone tried to give her a gift. She does fantastic in kindergarten though. Good luck with this.. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

2chatter

We scheduled a behavioral visit with the ped.  DH is a little...worried.  I figure the worst case is we get some coping strategies for us and DS if it is "normal toddler" behavior.  I think the tipping point is we were discussing going out to dinner for a birthday and were contemplating where/what time/scenarios to avoid triggers for DS.  I've done this toddler thing twice and haven't really considered that beyond "do they serve food" and "is it nap or bed time"?

emberlee3

2chatter said:

We scheduled a behavioral visit with the ped.  DH is a little...worried.  I figure the worst case is we get some coping strategies for us and DS if it is "normal toddler" behavior.  I think the tipping point is we were discussing going out to dinner for a birthday and were contemplating where/what time/scenarios to avoid triggers for DS.  I've done this toddler thing twice and haven't really considered that beyond "do they serve food" and "is it nap or bed time"?

I definitely think it's good that you're going to talk to the ped about it.  But I also think it may be on the spectrum of normal.  DS is what I would call a "spirited child."  He is just so much more challenging in almost every way than DD has been.  He is completely normal--no sensory issues, ADD, anxiety, or anything.  I mean, not to the point of needing a diagnosis or specific therapy.   He's just...intense. 

But there are ways that I have learned to relate to him better.  I found the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" very helpful in understanding what is going on with DS.  https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060739665

2chatter

Thanks @emberlee3!  DD is definitely in that span - to this day moms of active boys tell me that she has more energy, enthusiasm, determination and willingness to take risks for a payoff than even the most active of their boys.  She gets focused to the point of detached.  The ped screened her for autism (not at my ask - at his prompting) - twice.  She is how we discovered 123 Magic, and it has only limited success.  That book might be an awesome resource for her!

Virgo17

While it could be on the range of normal, it does not seem like typical toddler behavior in my experience.  Temper tantrum, yes, 45 minute temper tantrum, probably not.  The decision making difficulty is what would worry me the most.  He seems to have major anxiety about making the wrong decision.