Anyone know how @huntjul is doing?

dovetail223

I've been thinking about her and wondering how the move is going..

trackgirlparis

Hope everything is going well for you, @huntjul! Looking forward to an update

skyla13

I let her know on fb that y'all are asking about her hopefully she'll stop by.

huntjul

Hi bumpies,

Thanks for asking. We sold most of what we had in St. Kitts, packed what was left and shipped it on skids to Cleveland where we cleared customs and stashed it in a storage facility. LO and I are living with my parents in Ohio. I bought a Prius on Sunday. I'm encouraged by accomplishing steps but am ever aware of how far we've yet to go. It is tough being depressed - I have trouble finding focus, motivation, and the energy to care.

DH is in TN searching for a place for us to live. I told him I didn't care what he found but not to come back without having signed a lease. Some time this month we need to buy a 2nd car, collect our stuff which is spread from Cleveland to Philly and move to TN, unpack, buy replacements for all the stuff we sold, etc. I start working remotely Dec 15 and in person Jan 5.

DH has been visiting his family in PA most of the days since we've been in the US. Even when he is here in Ohio, we don't have any significant interaction and my parents act as a buffer. We were both in individual therapy in St. Kitts but aren't here. We plan to do couples therapy in TN, and I really should be in therapy alone also. My new job will be more demanding, and it'll be tough to find time for 2 appts per week, but I am going to try.

I alternate between blaming him for the blow-up this fall and blaming myself. The truth lies somewhere in between, though he's playing the victim with shocking success. It's nearly enough for me to stick with thinking myself a terrible wife. In the end I think we'll stay together. He has a short memory and will eventually forgive and forget (mostly).  Unfortunately my memory is very, very good, and there are things that were said (one of which I haven't shared but am going to here) that I will never forget. 

***POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING for depressed/anxious mamas***

I was struggling so much already. In Oct I went away for a mom's weekend off which I desperately needed. I will never forget reading his message as I was getting ready to come home that he and C weren't going to be there because they were going back to the US without me. He planned to internationally abduct our child without me even having the chance to say goodbye. I just can't come to grips with how a loving husband would ever threaten that to a devoted mother like me.

He thought he had his reasons obviously, but no reason short of abuse is good enough for that IMO. I convinced him to stay, but I still wasn't sure when I got home if they'd be there, or if he'd abduct her the next day, or the next. One tense week later he said he was going to leave LO and me. In the end he didn't follow through with the threats, but it rocked my world at a time when I was already too close to the edge.

We will try to re-establish the security in our relationship, but I am insecure enough already that having heard those things once I know there's nothing that can be done to keep them from playing back even years from now. I have flashbacks to that moment in the hotel reading the message about him taking C away. They start, and I can't get them to stop. My heart races, and I just have to go through the terror of it again until it's over. I've been taking some top-shelf antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds with mild improvement.

I don't want this to turn into a spouse-bashing thread. I am not blameless in what happened. I just wanted to share my struggles in the hopes it may help me feel just a little better.

Thanks for caring guys. It's so helpful in a tough time.

TL;DR - Umm, no idea how to recap this. Have a cat gif

trackgirlparis

Oh @huntjul‌, I am so sorry you're going through so much at once.

Please try to get into some individual therapy as soon as possible. Your new job may be very demanding but your life and well being is priceless and you deserve to take care of yourself. Clara needs you to take care of yourself. I'm sorry your husband has said what he has and I hope you two are able to get some help together and move on together with your lives.

Remember that you are important and you deserve to be happy! Having a job and a crazy busy schedule will only mask your emotions for so long. Take care of yourself, mama. Good luck. *hugs*

deedee1017

@huntjul I'm happy to hear from you and I'm glad you're all okay.  I'm sorry for all that you and your husband are going through. I hope you continue to make strides (or baby steps--whichever as long as you're going in the right direction) towards happiness again.  I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.  I also don't think your husband is a terrible person.  When someone is depressed it takes a toll on everyone around that person.  I am not justifying his actions, or yours, but I hope that with therapy you can all reach some middle ground.  Clearly Clara has two very dedicated parents.  I hope everything works out for the very best for you and your family.  Be well and check in every now and then.

layali

Oh god, @huntjul - I knew it was bad, but I didn't know it was that bad. Creepy internet hugs - I hope that you are able to find a good therapist for you and for you and YH. 

ETA: I reread this and it sounded kinda bitchy the second time in my head. I intended it to sound supportive, and I kept it brief because when I tried to extrapolate it sounded awkward. I hope you didn't read it the way I read it the second time around!

Ycu2013

My heart hurts for you. I'm truly sorry about the things you're struggling with. We care about you and are here any time. Warm Hugs and my love go out to you.

Herefishy87

I'm sorry you're going through so much right now @huntjul‌. ((Hugs))

Fruitcove7

I am so sorry to hear all of that. Thinking about you and your family and hoping things resolve smoothly.

taylormarie923

Hugs to you @huntjul I hope that the couples therapy helps and that you are able to balance your schedule to fit in that time for yourself as well.

Amjoy25

Whoa. That's heavy. Sorry all this is happening to you. I can't imagine the anxiety something like that would cause. Stay strong. Big hugs!

acethebase

@huntjul‌ I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I can't imagine how I would feel if my DH ever said something like that Hopefully things will start to get better once you get settled! I'm praying for you!!!! AND HUGS >:D<

dovetail223

I'm very sorry you are going through all of this. All the stuff that has been going on in your life over the last year are all stressful things. Being coupled with depression I'm sure makes it feel like you are wearing a heavy blanket all the time.

Teresa1489

Hugs to you!! I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this, you're so strong! T&Ps for you and you're family

huntjul

Thanks to all of you who somehow made it through reading my mega-post and responded.

I am not in therapy now, as we're here in Ohio quite a short time in transition but will make that effort again in TN. Hope you guys will hold me to that, since knowing me, I'll try to "forget" to restart therapy now that I've been off a few weeks.

I see a doc here next week for rx refills - hopefully they see fit to continue my meds that seem to be helping somewhat, albeit not enough.

DH comes home Fri or Sat. He made some more trouble via email last night. I drafted 3 angry emails back before finally deleting all of them and just sending "we should talk about this in person when you get here". That high road sure is tough to find sometimes!

Ycu2013

I will be holding you to it @huntjul‌!!