How Much does your H/SO help out with child care and housework?

Maladroit

Just curious how much help you ladies are getting from your H's and SO's. Also, would you like it to be different? Was your answer what you had agreed upon prekids? Feel free to brag/vent.

NADA-H

I voted 50:50 but i actually do more its more like 65:35 i nurse mostly so he feeds only when i supplement and he doesny always take that feed and my DH would chop his hand off rather than change a diaper (very sensitive to smell that i would have to change the diaper and clean up his vomit if he tried changing her) and he doesnt cook. He'd do anything else baby/home related beside these thibgs which are the majority of stuff.

He is my hero when it comes to emotional support since i've been a mess on and off ever since i got pregnant and he covers all our shared bills except for child care (i've been paying that myself but since DH's raise this month he will start paying it. I pay my car installment bills, and share with the household regular shopping and upkeep bills

Maladroit

DH does all baby cares and house chores while I work, I do all baby cares while DH is working.  He's a champ at changing diapers, feeding, laundry, dishes, etc. He doesn't like cooking though, and he doesn't clean the house unless I ask him to clean something specifically (like the stove).  He does all the yardwork for the most part, so I don't mind picking up the house.  We are pretty much 50/50. 

I was really surprised by his willingness to jump in and really help out.  He has never complained about changing a diaper or getting up with DS in the middle of the night.  He's kind of a rockstar...he'll have a good Christmas prezzie this year

ridesbuttons

When the kids were under 3, the split was 80 (me) - 20 (him). Those were tough years for me but we muddled through.

The kids are older now (nearly 6 and 7) and I would say the tides have shifted. 40 (me) - 60 (him).

The boys are at that age that they really love the same things that their dad will indulge them in (silly, noisy, farty, physical stuff especially) and since DH is borderline OCD, his housework never ends.

I knew this day would come, in my darkest hours with 2 under 2 I inherently understood that eventually the days of mommmmymommamamommy would come to an end and dad would be the preferred 'fun' parent.

It'll shift again but for now I'm enjoying the reprieve.

djm31012

DH does a lot so I cant say anything really. I do most of the every day housework (cooking, cleaning up/straightening up, etc) but he does all of the heavy lifting and bigger projects plus he does do a lot of laundry. He will NEVER vaccum, wipe down the table or the bathroom, etc. We have a cleaning lady every other week but things need tidying in between!

He does daycare drop off in the morning, but I do evenings all on my own as he doesnt get home until later. The evenings are obviously more difficult but I am not going to count that as me doing more.  I am very curious on how everything looks when I stop work. I know more of the house work will shift to me, but I am curious if DH will go into work earlier and come home earlier otherwise when will he see DS? He says thats what he will do, but without fail he always gets stuck at work, so not sure how this is all going to play out.  I will also need to come up with more of a "schedule" for house chores.

alli2672

Well, here is my life story  

It's changed over the years.  DH has never helped much with the housework, cooking, errands.  He did do most of the outdoor stuff.  

When the kids were first born, we were both in residency.  DH would leave for work about 5am, and I didn't leave until 7:30 or so, and I would use a lot of that time to do housework/childcare/meal prep.  I did every daycare drop off and most of the pick ups since his hours were long and unpredictable.  However, I did have call one week day every week and 1-2 weekend days/month, so he was on with the kids when I was gone.  He didn't love it. 

After about 2 years of that, I finished residency and got a PT job.  By that point, I was doing just about everything around the house.  I would leave once or twice a week in the evenings and force DH to do bathtime/bedtime.  But by then, I don't think he was even eating dinner with us all that often.  A lot of times, he wouldn't come with us to the zoo or anything even if he was home.  He flat out told me that I needed to find a way to get things done on my own.  He was making a ton of money though, so I hired someone to come 20 hours a week and do all of the laundry, cooking, and cleaning, which I think literally kept us from divorcing. 

Then he had some health issues that forced him to quit his job, and he was a SAHD for about 2 years.  That was great.  I was able to pick up another PT job, so we kept our house and our housekeeper.  He did all of the childcare while I was at work, and we split it pretty well when I was home.  Both of us were comfortable doing all of the childcare tasks.  I got pregnant with our fourth baby during that time.  Unfortunately, he wasn't happy in that role. 

Now, he is working out of state, training to do a different job that won't be as affected by his health problems.  We still have our housekeeper 20 hours a week, and an aupair who watches the kids while I am working.  However, I do all of the other childcare tasks.  It's okay.  We will be back together in another 6 months or so, and I am very excited about that.  He really realized how important those relationships with his kids are.  In the end, that's really all you've got.  He has kind of gotten himself in this role out there of helping other dads (especially divorced dads) bond with their kids.     

litzo27

I voted 50:50 but it's more like 65:35 it terms of actual time spent on household activities. So I do more. Part of it is that I'm just a much more diverse cook and part is that things just don't faze him - he will "clean" up after dinner and then I have to go and finish his clean up. I don't count play time with the kids in that split - I do most of play time but I love it.

amackattack

I didn't vote because I am just so unsure. He does morning daycare drop off and gets home from work at about 6:30. He plays with her some in the evening and I do bedtime. He will put laundry in and move it to the dryer but I generally do all the folding, cooking, feeding the baby, and dishes. Every once in awhile he will do a deep cleaning item but I also rarely ever do that. He does all of our car maintenance, all snow duties, all yard work and any other necessary maintenance. If I ask him to do something he will generally do it. 

I think we're just both kind of lazy? 

VOR

I could have voted both of the first options.  Bottom line- DH is awesome.  His job is 2 weeks on/ 2 off.  When he's on, EVERYTHING falls to me.  So when he's off (or even is able to come home during his "on" time), he makes a real strong effort to take as much of the burden off of me as possible.  He'll easily take on more than 50% to give me a break. 

NunyaBennis

I voted no help, but we're slowly working on that... he'll unload the dishwasher and has learned how to operate the washer & dryer recently. Baby steps. I'm bad about asking for help, and he's not always that great at providing it but we're both trying.
I'm sure the dynamic will shift continually, and especially over the next several months as we work out our system (I'm still on maternity leave at this point). I'll have to become more assertive in asking for assistance - as well as ensuring that it is received.

ErinO21

I voted 50/50, but we're really in between him helping 50/50 and being a cheerleader. He works 24 hour shifts 3 days a week, so I would say 80% of the childcare falls on me. He tries, but he just doesn't take the initiative to fix LO's dinner, give him a bath, help me get him ready in the morning. Its just easier if I do it.

As for  housework, he does all the outside stuff. Inside work. I'll come home every once in a while to a spotless kitchen or bathroom, sometimes both. We used to have a rule, one cooks dinner and the other cleans up. That was in the dating days. He'll throw his laundry in the wash (rarely moves it to the dryer) if I haven't gotten to it and he's out of underwear.

Basically, housework goes through spurts. This post probably makes him sound lazy, but he really does work hard. He's always on the go, usually helping someone with something. I just wish sometimes I was the someone.

vvvvvfee

i think this depends a lot on the age of your kid(s). if you have a kid who's under 6 months old and you're BFing, of course you're going to be doing a lot of work.

right now, DH does do the majority, probably 60-40. he is an awesome dad. he usually fixes DS's breakfast and gets him dressed, changes most diapers, and does the majority of the DC drop-offs/pickups. he's also with DS for a couple of hours each afternoon/evening before i get home at around 6:30-7. there have definitely been periods (particularly when DS was little) when i did more because of BFing, or because DS was going through i-only-want-mommy phases.

mae0111

I said 50/50, but it does shift from time to time.  He makes a BIG deal about when he picks up my slack, but seems to forget that I pick up his slack, too.

He does dinner for the kids 3 nights a week (usually reheating something I made, or something simple like pasta and veggies.  Sometimes he cleans up after, sometimes not.  He does baths for the kids every night, and we tag team bed time.  I do 95% of the cooking.  He'll help out if we're roasting something or grilling, and in those cases, I do all sides.  We split clean up. 

But he does not seem to see clutter until ZOMG HE CAN'T STAND IT and then he throws everything away - no matter who it belongs to.  Usually it's fine, sometimes it results in an argument.  Same with dirt.  I clean when I have the energy to do so.  So no set schedule, and it's fairly frequent, but not every day.

alli2672

acmedairyprincess said:

Things did change once DS came along too.  DH was very picky about the cleanliness of the house pre-kid, but that's fallen by the wayside now that DS his here.  He could care less how messy the house is.  Which is good in some ways, since that used to be our biggest fight, but it also means that DH isn't as careful with his dirty shoes, clothes on the floor, and things like that. 

We were totally opposite.  I did not care about the house at all pre-kid, but once someone came along that I loved and cared about who was literally eating off my floor and would pick up that dirty shoe and put it in his mouth, we decided we needed to be much cleaner. 

MickeyM04

I voted 50/50 but it's really probably closer to 60/40 or 65/35.  Housework is probably 50/50 but childcare I would say more is me.  I stay home 90% of the time when someone is sick (and the other 10% of the time it's my mom; I could probably count on 1 hand in 2.5 years the number of times DH has stayed home).  I do 75% of doctor's appointments for the kids.  I make the appointments.  I do the diapers/formula/etc. ordering.  I do most feedings even though DD is on bottles now.  That being said, DH is a very active father.  Bedtime he takes care of DS while I take care of DD.  Same to get the kids out the door, everyone is in charge of one kid.  It's more the unexpected things (sick days, doc appts, etc.) that fall on me, as well as the monotonous logistical stuff (keeping track of whether we need more diapers, etc.). 

We both work FT, but I earn about 30% more than he does.  Neither of us travels.

ErinO21

I feel like my lunch break went well with this topic. I was home from 11:50 to 1 and it went a little something like this: unload dishwasher while soup warmed up, finished getting what I was eating for lunch, DH walks in with LO and hands him to me so he could get his lunch out, make LOs lunch, almost had to finish feeding LO his lunch until I informed DH that the rest of my lunch break (which should have only been about 35 minutes at that point) would consist of loading the dishwasher, folding his uniforms, and putting my clothes away. While I was hiding in our room putting clothes away and folding his uniforms, I had to listen to LO crying outside our door. DH was laying on the couch. He's a great dad most days, but some days he thinks he can "play" from the comfort of the couch or chair.

DiveFrog

I would say things are 50/50, but in reality I think these things are not that simple. I do about 65% of physical childcare, and 100% of child chores liking packing DD's bag daily, making appointments, turning over her closet, making sure she has clothes and shoes that fit, registering her for classes (I'm the default parent). 

In regards to household management and chores it is about 85-90% under my direction, but with about 50/50 in terms of execution.  DH is wonderful about doing his share, but he is not a leader, he much prefers to be told what he needs to do. He likes to say I am the CEO and CFO of our family, and he is just the advisory board. 

ebp913

ridesbuttons said:

When the kids were under 3, the split was 80 (me) - 20 (him). Those were tough years for me but we muddled through. The kids are older now (nearly 6 and 7) and I would say the tides have shifted. 40 (me) - 60 (him). The boys are at that age that they really love the same things that their dad will indulge them in (silly, noisy, farty, physical stuff especially) and since DH is borderline OCD, his housework never ends. I knew this day would come, in my darkest hours with 2 under 2 I inherently understood that eventually the days of mommmmymommamamommy would come to an end and dad would be the preferred 'fun' parent. It'll shift again but for now I'm enjoying the reprieve.

I'm looking forward to this.  This sounds really similar to what I envision happening in our house. Although currently, he does a lot for the older 2 and I handle the baby.  

ebp913

I do I'd say 60-70% of the kid related work in our house.  Feeding them, kid laundry, appointments, classes, etc.  DH is WAY cleaner than I am though so he is constantly picking up after the kids, doing dishes, and he does his own laundry.  Ideally I want things to be more equitable but he's way faster than I am so I'm not sure things are actually that out of balance as much as it is just the fact that I can't do things as fast as he can. 

emberlee3

My DH is awesome!!! Sometimes needs detailed instructions, but overall he totally rocks and we contribute equally.

rodiesmum

He does a lot but he usually comes home very very latr

Samiantha101

I do about 90 to 95% of the housework. He essentially kind of/sort of picks up after himself and my dd in the morning, but he literally does zero maintenance work. I'm not really ok with this. In his defense, I am way cleaner than he is, and he's been a messy guy since day one. In my defense, we have kids and nice things. I think they're worth the effort.

glaw

My DH does so much! Including but not limited to: feeding bathing and putting DD to sleep 99% of the time (basically if he's home he's doing it), grocery shopping, all household repairs/maintenance, waking up early every day with DD so I can sleep in bc DS still wakes up to eat in the MOTN and he can't help with that, and he cooks breakfast almost every weekend. I know I am very lucky.

Edited to add: I HATE cleaning and most of it is done by nanny/housekeeper but my DH is much more OCD so he will clean whereas I am more forgiving

bumpuser10331514

According to me or to him? 8-|

I voted for the last one just because there is so much to do and I do a bulk of it. But a fuller version of that story is that DH does 75% of the cleaning. I do laundry, the occasional bathroom, about 80% of the dishes, and all of the decluttering. He does the rest (vacuuming, dusting, etc). He also does the yardwork - no, wait. Let's rephrase: he's responsible for all of the yardwork.

Childcare? I do about 85% of it.

Everything else? 100% me.

I read an interesting article about how couples that tried to share household responsibilities 50/50 were 50% more likely to divorce (or something like that) - so at least DH and I have that going for us.

becominggold

DH is a big fan of paying others to do what he does not wish to do himself. So we have lawn service, pool service, poop service, house cleaning service, etc. I only work part time, so I usually keep up with the in between chores. I do laundry. We share cooking about 50/50. I am mainly responsible for LO as I BF and do most diaper changes, clothes, etc., but DH does spend lots of time with him. He is also willing to entertain him so I can get chores done.

ricekez

I voted 50/50, but it's dynamic. We have a cleaning lady come every other week, so we don't do a lot of cleaning ourselves. With a baby still nursing and a mommy-addicted 3-year-old, I do more childcare. DH makes dinners and tidies up a lot. He travels more than I do, so I pick up the slack when he's gone. It feels like we're equally exhausted by the end of the week, so we must be roughly 50/50.