Maybe someone can make me feel better? ***updated***

JBDamonM

Warning; whine to follow......

I had my first round of monitoring this AM after 3 days of stims (225 i.u. of Follistim)..... Just bloodwork, and I just got the call to increase my meds to 250. My E2 is 67 and they want to see it around 100. Blah blah blah - story of my life. It did the same thing during my FET - and we all know how that ended. Now I really hope I"m just being dramatic (seems to be the norm for me lately) but I can't help but freak out. With my first fresh cycle (resulted in a BFP) my E2 was already like 400 or something at this point, and they started me on Ganirelex.  I know I jumped too fast with that last cycle - but it's hard not to compare every little thing when that one was my only success. Note; with that cycle I started at 250.

I don't know what my problem is that I have ZERO faith in my body to do what it's supposed to. I am terrified of another failure, and even more terrified of being OADNBC. These two things make me want to crumble. And I can't help but feel like I'm holding onto this pipe dream of another baby right now.....

I should be happy as this means I won't have to go in for an ultra sound and bloodwork on Thursday - when I have an 8:30 meeting at work (it would be impossible to do both and I was sweating this one big time) but no, instead I sit here, a glutton for punishment, honestly about to cry. That's the other thing - apparently my E2 isn't rising but I"m already a weepy mess......and I have a huge zit - so clearly the side effects are there.

I don't know - I'm sorry for the whine but if anyone has any insight, I would love to hear it.....

Update - 12/2 - 

Today's monitoring showed 16 follicles all the same size, small, at just under 10. Estrogen is at 198. So while it's still low, the rise is in line with where it should be given the low number on Monday. I go back Friday.

I asked the nurse if there were concerns with my numbers being so much lower this go around and she said no. She said it could be because I am older, or it could be because he started me on the 225 and my body just needs 250..... or, my theory is that I was more surpressed this time because of my FET cycle, which included 31 days of Lupron. 

I am feeling a lot better.... I can come down from the ledge. Ya know, for now. I'll probably be right back up there come Friday.

wille2b

Im sorry! I have zero insight for you, except to get yourself some chocolate cake, a good show and a warm bath!!! Hope things start to look up in your cycle!!!

TJ1979

Everything @chiwifey said! 

It's normal to be freaking out right now.  You've really been through the wringer.  We are all pulling for you though.  Try to have faith in your RE.  He owes you, so you know he will be doing his best to fix this for you.

JBDamonM

@TJ1979-  I think that is part of my issue. I also have no faith in my RE. The practice has grown exponentially in the past 2 years and I have been very disapointed with them since I went back to start the FET process. I often feel like I"m just a number. I was quite surprised when no one called me to check in after telling me they destroyed my 4 embryos. Today it took me 35 minutes to have one vial of blood drawn. My baseline Friday took two hours. I just don't feel like the quality is there - in part because they have clearly become so big.

JBDamonM

@chiwifey - I totally agree that they owe me a ton. That thought seems a little bit lost on them though. I am hoping he will do at least one of my monitoring appointments (another change, two years ago your Dr did all of them, now it's a crap shoot)...... so that I can talk to him then. Otherwise I'll put a call in if I need to. I, sadly can't imagine what he will say to make me feel better I think I just need to see a big jump in the next two days and probably even more importantly have a good ultra sound on Wednesday and I"ll be ok. As you know my baseline went better than expected - I just need more news like that. I know it's still early for me, it just seems very extereme to have such opposite results in comparison to what I had in my original cycle. URGH. I really hate this I know I am a fighter, but today I just feel like giving in. Seriously, my weepiness is out of control today.... don't know why the rest of me hasn't caught up to the hormones.

JBDamonM

Thanks @chiwifey. Believe me, the second I get in the car they are going to come. I need a good cry, I know it.

Ruthie04

Everything @chiwifey‌ said. She's a genius. As far as insight, my e2 was always in the 60s at that point and I was on much higher doses to start. If they were really worried, they'd jump your stim dose a lot higher. My RE was always ramping me up because my e2 levels started low and stuttered. I got 14 and 17 eggs with those cycles, so a slow start isn't a total predictor
for how your cycle will go. Sure, an e2 of 100 is ideal, but you are far from having a bad cycle. And, I'm willing to bet your RE is 100x more stressed and attentive than he has ever been over your potential success. I think that kind of care and attention will play a HUGE part in the way this cycle progresses. After what they did in your cycle, they need to be falling over themselves to meet your needs.

In the meantime, go have a sip of wine. You deserve it and we won't tell .

JBDamonM

^^^@Ruthie04 - I love everything about this...... Thank you (and others) for my pep talk. FX my body steps it up a bit so I can come down from the ledge  

kmc84

I agree with everything already said, so not much to add there!

My fresh cycles always started painfully slow (except the first when we jumped up the meds and my body went nuts). I stimmed forever, but we got some good eggs. I hope Thursday goes well! I'm sorry it's so hard ((hugs))

JBDamonM

@kmc84 - may I ask how long you stimmed for and what your protocol was?

My nurse told me to bring the Ganirelex with me tomorrow, and to @Ruthie04 s point they only increased my dosage by 25 units, but I can't help but be worried that I am not going to catch up or respond well

I really hate IF.

kmc84

My first 3 were long lupron.

IVF #1 I stimmed with only follistim. My first 2 checks showed no follicle development and low e2. They bumped my follistim up and my e2/ovaries went nuts and I got cancelled due to OHSS before ER.

IVF #2 I stimmed with follistim slowly for 16 days. I believe we got 7/8 eggs. (ET of 2 day 3-blighted ovum)

IVF #3 I stimmed for 15 days with follistim and menopur and I think we got 6/7 eggs. (ET of 3 day 3-gave me dd)

IVF #4 (bfn after ET of 1 blast) (FET of 2 embies made this cycle is my current pregnancy) I never had a cycle after dd was born (about 15/16 months from her birth to IVF start). I was so baseline that we skipped lupron all together. I stimmed with follistim and menopur and I used ganirelix. I only stimmed 9/10 days and I think we got 7 eggs. This was the only cycle I had any embies make it to day 5. I'm not sure why IVF #4 was so different.

Sorry I don't remover all days exactly. I hope this cycle gets on track!

Julie21613

@JBDamonM, sorry, I'm late responding to this post.  But I wanted to let you know about my e2 levels this cycle.  My first monitoring appointment, after 7 days (I think maybe 8) my e2 was
16!  Yes.. 16... I think it went up to about 70 several days later.  I stimmed for 17 days....I am a slow responder and don't have many eggs....but they did get 6, which surprised me.  Grant it, only 4 were mature and 3 of those 4 fertilized.  We transferred 2 on day 3 and my first u/s is Friday...

The fact that you had so many follies, even if they were just under 10.. is a great sign...Good luck!

JBDamonM

@Julie21613 - Thank you. I remembered your posts from your slow start and went back and read them several times. Truthfully, your story has provided me a lot of inspiration in these past couple days. 

I'm really hoping the increase in my right ovary is a sign that things are trending in the right direction. I  have no objections to stimming for a long time, as long as I get to the finish line....

trigirl79

I hear ya - my body totally failed me as you know and the idea of OADNBC sucks. I am so sorry, IF is such a roller coaster and we have to go through so much - it's not fair. I am thinking good thoughts for you tomorrow!

kmc84

Yay! I hope tomorrow brings more good news!

JBDamonM

@kmc84 - perhaps a stupid question, but if you didn't use Ganirelex in the other cycles,  how did they ensure you did not ovulate?

TJ1979

Sorry, I just noticed this was updated.  I'm so glad you got some better news this appointment.  I hope things continue in that direction.  GL Friday.

mdiblasi10

Big hugs @JBDamonM I hope tomorrow brings good news!!

jesselayne8

Hope tomorrow brings more good news. Grow follies grow!!

kmc84

@JBDamonM‌ honestly? I have no idea! It was something they based off of lab work. I had it on hand, but they never had me use it before.

I should also note that this last IVF and FET were with a different RE, but the same clinic. The new RE pretty much followed the same thing our first RE did with me to avoid another repeat of our IVF #1 disaster. Our original RE actually passed away last fall

Jenny935

My meds were different (Brav & Meno) but my 2nd cycle was 24 months after my 1st and I took twice the meds this time. Much slower rise in numbers, and I didn't double the follies. But you have 16 growing which sounds great!! Good luck - I know it's hard to remember that their #1 goal is give you a take home baby too. Hugs!

JBDamonM

@kmc84 - I actually remembered that about your RE and when you said how you had no idea why the last cycle was different, I almost brought that up!

@jenny935 - thanks for chiming in. This makes me feel a lot better

Thanks everyone for your encouragement.

Today's ultra sound showed 20 follies. Only 4 of them were big (12-14) I had about 6 btwn 10 and 11 and the rest were smaller. 

I started the Ganirelex today and go back on Sunday. FX that those bad bears keep growing and catch up. I am almost positive my numbers were similiar in my first cycle at the time I started my Ganirelex and that cycle went great. So I'm feeling a little bit better. at the very least I have stopped obsessively comparing the two cycles. That's something - right?

Ruthie04

Sounds like things are going SO well!! Yay!

MoFree

I'm glad things are now going well. I admire your resilience to do a fresh cycle immediately after a BFN.

imoverit

Glad you got better news. Hang in there. You got this.

mcgeeva

hang in there!