T&P could be helpful today (loss) UPDATE In OP

KirstenAlecia

today is the day i take the meds to force my body to miscarry our LO who stopped growing. In fact I just took them. 

I stared at the stupid pills for 15 minutes before I could do it. My hubby is at church without me. I wonder if he is even thinking of me at all. 

I hope I only need the one dose. I hope no trip to the Emergency Room is needed and I pray that my body returns to normal and that when the dr test my egg reserve and quality we get the go ahead to try again. (if i want to with my a-hole hubby)

Last night I said something to hubby and he got irritated. He said "just stop!"

He clearly is past this while i am not. 

I have been told this is a bit unpleasant so i know i will try and get through it without complaint as i know H wants to watch football and not be bothered with this. Mybe i will just lock myself into the bathroom.

Sorry ladies. I didn't want to start a new whiny crying post. I feel like thats all I do lately.  Please don't read any farther if you are remotely sensative from loss rt now this is a TMI and a doozy. I am not joking about this. But,  I have to get this out somewhere and you ladies have been my main support system through this. 

I had to take the second dose of meds. Yesterday quite suddenly I started cramping again (i had been relatively pain free and bleeding very little) and bleeding heavily. Beyond what they said to look for which was filling a pad an hour and light headedness or queazy/sick.  I was filling a pad in 15-20 minutes and the pain was beyond anything i have ever experience outside of the labor i had with my D. Called MIL told her i was scared and might need to go to ER. Told her i would call OB and call her back. 

Called OB gave them all the yucky details and told them my pain level (i said 7 but the nurse on the phone suspected I was being conservative because when the waves of pain came I could not speak) Dr. suspected my body had not MC completely. Instructed 2nd dose and if i got even the slightest queazy/sick and or lightheaded head to ER and call back.  Hung up phone and took meds and got in the shower (i wont even say why i had to do that) MIL showed up and walked into bathroom and I was so so so embarrassed. It wasn't a pretty site, the bathroom and myself.....she called H and told him what was going on. He came home. I went though this for about 3-4 more hours. 

I HATE H right now. he is HORRIBLE in these moments. I know mother in law told him that the bathroom looked like the scene of a murder. I know she told him i was screaming in pain loud enough for neighbors to hear I'm sure. I had texted him earlier before it started telling him i wasn't feeling right. He did not respond but told me "I know.....I got your text" 

YEAH???? WELL HOW BOUT A RESPONSE DOUCHEBAG!!! THAT WAY I DONT HAVE TO CALL YOUR MOM!

I came out of  the bathroom after another trip and he asked  "did you drop the kid off at the pool?"

WHAAAAAAAAAT??????

FUCK YOU!!!  I HATE YOU. 

I will NEVER FORGET HE SAID THIS.

He must me on dr google because he is texting me non stop checking on on me wanting to know if i have any crazy symptoms yet and wants to know random things like if i get really thirsty. 

Too late to be concerned jerk face. 

I have a dr appt tomorrow and God forbid I need a D&C I wont be even calling him or telling him. I will call his mom and forbid her to call him. 

KirstenAlecia

Oh and lets not forget this.

He wanted to have his buddy come over and watch football with him. I could just hide myself in our bedroom of coarse. 

FML.....

wannabmama23

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. Not only for your loss but also that you have to go through it alone. This is a very hard day. I hope you can take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to heal mentally and physically. Not making excuses for him bc it seems like he is, at least, being selfish...to put it mildly. I wish your hubby could be there for you. I do think that is very hard for men to really understand what it's like to be the one who actually carries a baby. As someone who has never been pregnant, I know it can be hard for me to even imagine, really. It could also be that his way of dealing with things is to plow onward, my hubby has a hard time with emotion and would rather just pretend there's nothing going on or puts his energy into other things to ignore things that make him uncomfortable. Either way, I hope that he is able to come around and give you support. I'm thinking of you and sending healing thoughts from here. xoxo

CML11

I'm so sorry. He's probably hurting too, but just showing it in a terrible way. I'm sure he's frustrated that he can't fix it and probably doesn't know how to make you feel better. Sounds like he's tried humor, distracting you from the situation, tried to push things back to normal and nothing works because there is no easy fix. It's time that you need and for him to be a shoulder to cry on.
Come here and vent anytime you need to, sometimes that's what you need to do. Big hugs. I'm sorry you are going through this right now.

tlc35

I'm sorry.  T&P that the meds work quickly and as pain free as possible. I do want to throatpunch your H right now.

flyliceandcoffee

I'm so sorry. I hope the meds do their thing and quickly for you. 

MySallyGirl

I'm so sorry. T & p coming your way.

KirstenAlecia

tlc35 said:

I'm sorry.  T&P that the meds work quickly and as pain free as possible. I do want to throatpunch your H right now.

you and i both. A throat punch is totally in order. When we were going over the options with the dr whether it be meds or a D&C...when we left he said "maybe we can shopvac it out" I wanted to throat punch him then too. Not appropriate, Not ok, and beyond the twistedness that my humor will reach for sure. 

Meds have me cramping but no bleeding yet. Im terribly afraid at the end of the 12 hours we will have to do the second dose. I really don't want to. They made me violently nauseous. I don't know how i was able to keep from throwing up.

KirstenAlecia

I wanted to add I'm sorry for anyone who is sensitive and me typing what my husband said is offensive.....im just really alone in where i can vent. 

emsmama15

Oh @KirstenAlecia‌, I'm so sorry your husband is acting like an a$$. Just remember he's grieving In his own way and probably doesn't know how to express it. Sometimes my husband says the stupidest things. When I'm not hormonal or sad or stressed, I just roll my eyes. When I'm upset, it drives me crazy. I'm trying to envision him in this situation and I can easily see him saying/doing some of these things (the shop-vac comment though did deserve a throat punch). Hugs to you. I hope you only need one dose. I'm so very sorry you're going through this AND that you feel alone.

URMySunshine77

I am so sorry, sweetheart. I hope that you can seek out your MIL, friends, or us when you need a sympathetic ear or hug right now.  

Nikolie93

I'm so very sorry. The only thing I can say is that it sees YH is dealing with it differently than you. I am hoping so, and I hope deep down he understands the hurt. Damn, I really want to throat punch him too.

How does he handle other stresses in life? Is he acting how he normally does when shitty shit happens or is this reaction new?

Is there anyway you can sit down and talk with him? This is a rough time and he really needs to be there for you or there could be resentment later... I speak from experience.

Big *hugs* to you

vh2014

Maybe he's in denial, or maybe he just doesn't understand. Either way, I hope he comes around and also hope you just have the one dose. It may hit him much later at the strangest time. ..still. ..he should Be Supportive regardless. I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this together.

northernkhaleesi

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this while feeling so alone. We're here (I know it's not the same, but it's something). I'm sorry that your H isn't providing you with the support that you need right now; add me to team throat punch.

I went through exactly what you are doing right now, and I hope that it goes quickly for you. I stared at those pills forever before I took them. 

We are here if you need us.

((hugs))

meredithcarole

I am so sorry. I hope the misoprostol works quickly and easily. I really want to throat punch your husband, too. Wish you were near one of us so we could be there (in person) for you. ETA: spelling error.

hooligans4

First off no excuses for your husband he is just being a douche bag.

Second I wish I could hug you.
I hope the meds work soon.
Never feel bad for bringing your worries here. Most of us have gone through it and will be here to support you when you don't get it from home.
I will send you all my good thoughts to get through this.
Xoxoxo

KateLouise

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and that your DH is being an ass.

I hope that everything is quick and as easy as these things can be, so that you can focus on looking after yourself emotionally.

After my loss, and the stress of it all brought up some various health problems, I had a talk to DH about how I was feeling and that I was feeling unsupported by him. He told me that he didn't really know what my problem was and that it had all been worse for him anyway. Firstly I was unaware that it was a competition, but secondly, really???

I doubt your DH is past it, but I hope that he starts being more supportive of you.

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kelley72

oh, I was online last evening at home but couldn't post (forgot password), I so wanted to respond to you!  I am hopeful things have progressed as smoothly as possible. 

Don't have much to say about your dh- I'm confused to his response.  I just wish you peace and healing.

sonpetitlapin

I am so sorry you are having to go through this.  Please don't apologize for anything.  We are here for you.

Davie813

@KirstenAlecia, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time.  I wish we could do more, but please do use this board to vent whenever you need to.

I'm also sorry DH isn't there for you in the way you'd like.  Have you sat down with him and just told him what you need from him right now?  I really hope he gets his act together.  Hugs.

rspalding001

Im so sorry! If I were you Id go out and treat myself to something nice while the boys watched football. Maybe a nice massage or mani pedi? Big hugs!

KirstenAlecia

Its all over. Done and all I can say is to those of you who have gone this route.........oh my GOD. Never again. I just....it was horrible. It was painful and long and i see why a lot of people go the route of a D&C. 

H got a little better as the night and the process went on. 

As it was seeming to take a long time for things to kick in I started to really have a hard time. I started crying and freaking out over the possibility of having to take the second dose (it made me so so sick) I didn't take the crazy strong meds the dr prescribed because the misoprostol made me so ill and I was afraid the pain meds would pouch me over the edge and i would actually throw up.....and i was afraid to throw up because i was afraid of letting any of the meds out of my system and fear they wouldn't work.....so I suffered through it. 

When i started freaking out he said he would stay up with me if it came down to it. (i was shocked)

Then when it got really painful and things started.....um, happening. I was in the bathroom and i LOST IT. Lost my composure, my sanity, my ability to even speak. He started to soften up a little to me after that. He started talking softer with me. Telling me "it will be over soon love"  "it will be ok" and other things I don't really remember. 

Im exhausted today and glad its over and i can try to start healing hopefully. 

Thank the lord for this board........I really don't know what i would do. I have a really great friend who is constantly checking on me since we got the news but i really try not ti burden her too too much. She has a busy job and 2 littles and really is busy Somehow....typing this out and knowing i have women here on the same journey  and some that have been where i am and i can turn around and return the support for various reasons. 

Thank you ladies.....you are all appreciated more than you know. 

vh2014

I am so glad he came around. Lean on your friend (and us). It's amazing what a hug or just an ear can do. The physical part may be over, but we are all here as the emotional part continues.

Nikolie93

So sorry that it was a rough night but glad it's passed and you can move forward with your mental healing. 

I know exactly how you feel about losing it when it started happening. I was in the emergency room bathroom (not a private one, the one that's shared by all) and I knew that people were waiting to use it. It was so horrible. 

I am so glad you had your H by your side and he helped. Hang in there and we are all here if you need us! *hug* 

MagFranklin13

So very sorry, wishing you some peace and relaxation!

Davie813

I'm glad it's over, and that DH is being more supportive.  Hugs to you.

tlc35

I'm sorry for all of it but glad the physical part is over and that your H is "getting it".

KirstenAlecia

Thank you ladies. I feel a lot better today. Im not gonna lie though. Im glad to be home by my self today. 

Im skipping my holiday mixer with other local photographers that i was really looking forward to today but i can't bring myself to go even though i have been waiting for this for months. 

Instead Im going to clean my house (i haven't felt like doing that in weeks) edit some photos. The newborn session i have to edit is gonna be rough to get through. And maybe try my hand at baking some vegan cupcakes and cook something yummy for dinner. Ambitous I know but i think I will be fine. Busy is good right?

hooligans4

I'm glad you got through the physical part of your loss. Just keep busy but also let your emotions out when you need to. I don't blame you for not going to the mixer, I would stay home also.

dream2be3

I'm so very sorry for what you have had to go through:-(  I hope you are able to start the healing process and move forward when you're ready.  ((HUGS))

TAT2MAMI

I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through @KirstenAlecia.
Wishing you a speedy recovery. *Hugs*

emsmama15

I'm so sorry!  Hugs to you.

wvarn

I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. T&P for you. I hope your body heals soon.

KirstenAlecia

So ladies, I just got this text from hubby. 

"Just a heads up, Im not myself today. Really down and dumpy, feelings of anxiety and not are why. Something is wrong. Almost feel like crying but not sure why"

Do you guys think this whole thing is hitting him and maybe he doesn't realize it is our loss??

I mean usually when he feels anxious its money and it has been tight since i have not had much work lately. maybe both. 

Davie813

I don't know exactly what's on his mind, but I think it's awesome he's opening up like that. I'm sure the loss is hitting him, and he's also sad that you're sad and he can't fix it. Hugs to you both!

Teenie16

I'm so sorry for all that you've been going through! I think it's hitting him and he doesn't how to handle it. Big hugs for you both. I hope once you two get to talk tonight you'll be able to help each other heal. Big hugs to you both.

(So sorry I'm chiming in late. I haven't been able to get on the board this past week.)

Nikolie93

Interesting text from him, did you get to talk to him last night?

KirstenAlecia

@Nikolie93 I did talk to him last night. I think its a combination of a lot of things. I think in all things concerning what we are going through its more about his concern for me than what he actually feels after talking to him. He brought home flowers to me. 

He is also stressed about money. The copays and lab fees and everything have been adding up. We also just had major car issues to the tune of almost $1000 between the 2 cars. Normally when we go through a rough patch and my work has been slow (i have my own small part time business) he talks about me looking for a "real" full time job. He hasn't done that.....yet.

Not to mention it Christmas time. 

He is also having a hard time with a couple of his friends. His friendships are changing. Now as an adult that happens. But these guys have made it from their teens till their mid 30s without that happening too extremely....but it is now. Its gonna happen. He is just gonna have to come to terms with that. I think if we don't have a child.......he will have a hard time reconciling that....his life wont change in any big way with new responsibilities.... and theirs will, as their lives and families grow and change. 

kindershlitz

Take care of yourself @KirstenAlecia‌. Flowers from DH, very sweet. Hope you're both hanging in there.

Nikolie93

I'm glad you had that talk with him. I can understand his concerns, money is a big one and not only are you guys dealing with the MC, but car bills and the holidays... It is bound to get anyone a bit concerned.

I also understand how he may have a hard time adjusting to changes in friendships. You're right, as others move on and have a family, it's bound to happen. No one wants to think about the possibility of not knowing what that's like. If you guys are going to continue TTC try your best not to dwell on that right now.

I'm rambling, sorry.