I Think I Had PPA or Some Other Weirdness

Lilwatz

I might be turning into an over-poster, but I have found a lot of comfort in reading other people's stories and so if anyone can relate to this I'd like to post.

Something really weird happened to me when my daughter was first born.  She's 7 weeks today and I think I finally have the clarity to see it now that I am not in it anymore.  In the hospital I was actually surprised with how calm and...motherly...I was.  I felt the instincts kicking in and felt like I was totally nurturing for my little girl.  Then we went home...and it happened.

I didn't want to hold my daughter ever.  I didn't change a diaper until day 9 of her life.  I was anxious about buckling her in her carseat and always asked my husband to do it.  I knew it was happening but rather than think it was potentially a hormonal thing or post partum issue, I felt guilty.  Incredibly guilty.  I felt like a terrible mom--I mean, what kind of mom does want to hold her sweet new baby?!  To be clear, I felt complete love for her.  I was happy, but I would not spend anymore time than breastfeeding--and I cherished those times.  Like I said, it was very bizarre.  The guilt was intense.

Anyways, I think this last for about 4 weeks to varying degrees.  I am better now (is better the right word even?!!) and my husband and I had a conversation about it.  He noticed and was concerned, but knew I felt guilty and so didn't want to mention it and make me feel worse.  I guess I just want others who may feel weirdness like this to be encouraged to reach out to a friend or family member or us to get out of the weirdness.

Love you bumpies...

absolutelymaybe

Really sorry you are going through this.

Lilwatz

I feel better now. I hold her a lot more and don't feel as anxious.

I've moved on to worrying about her.

moroccojade

Sending you hugs. Postpartum issues can be rough.

minibean16

Thank you @Lilwatz‌. I'm only on day 2, but I've been very aware of the likelihood of PPA for me. I notice that I'm happy to let other people take care of her... But at this point it's more exhausted than anxiety. It's nice to have someone's experience to use as a reference though.

uncharted01

I can totally relate to how you were feeling. I went to the doctor yesterday and it was such a relief to be away from LO for a few hours. And then I felt guilty for feeling that way because that seems so shitty of me. I have so many mixed and confusing feelings and then at the doctor yesterday they gave a PPD test that I failed miserably. I know getting help (meds + therapy) is best for me AND my family, but it makes me feel crappy. I'm glad you're feeling better - it gives me hope that this too shall pass.

Maelara

I had PPA with N. Its any type of anxiety issues after giving birth. Mine was an adjustment disorder. I'm glad you have recognized what is going on and are dealing with it. It can be so hard to see anything through the fog sometimes.

Kristil2014

I am glad you are feeling better.

Kristil2014

I am glad you are feeling better.

sweetbabyrahe

Hope things continue to get better!

Carebella

Definitely not an over poster. As we all welcome our LOs and adjust to life with them on the outside, having lots of personally experience from all the N14 mamas will be helpful.

And big huge hugs. I'm so happy you're doing better.

Snuffy007

Thank you for posting this, @Lilwatz‌ ! I'm so glad you are feeling better. I've been having similar feelings I think, and I'm looking forward to my pp visit with the Dr in a little over a week.

turtles7

I'm glad you are feeling better!

BrittG13

So happy you're feeling better!

Lilwatz

Snuffy007 said:

Thank you for posting this, @Lilwatz‌ ! I'm so glad you are feeling better. I've been having similar feelings I think, and I'm looking forward to my pp visit with the Dr in a little over a week.

My 6 week checkup didn't include PP anything checking.  Looking back I am kind of mad.  It's important to check!

mockingjay1

Glad you're feeling better

MrsC430

Thank you for sharing your story, @Lilwatz‌. I'm glad to hear things are getting better!

MmmPopcorn

@Lilwatz, I appreciate you posting this. I've been MIA for the last two weeks since DS was born, but I'm in the throes of this right now. I finally told H this morning that I probably need to talk to someone about it. Last night, I refused to put DS back in his Rock'n'play because I was afraid I would drop him, and I made H do it. I get a lot of anxiety with diaper changes, and I spent one BF session last night and one this morning in tears because I felt like a bad mom for being so upset about the 6th nursing session in as many hours. I'll be sure to talk to my doctor about it when I go for my checkup. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who has experienced these feelings, and I'm praying that I'm able to get through it in a few weeks and enjoy my time with baby.

Jpinky9

So glad you are feeling better these days! Big hugs to all the mommies who are struggling with the same issues!!!

CarrieAnne09

So glad you're doing better. The PP hormones are just crazy to me - I wasn't expecting them to be so overwhelming.

Lilwatz

@MmmPorpcorn PM me if you ever need to talk.  Seriously.  

Thanks, everyone.  Being a mom is hard!  And I hear it doesn't get easier, just different kinds of hard as your child grows.  I read on here that some women dread the evening--I did too at first and now I don't.  But now she has reflux so I fear the post feeding pain cries.  I think it will always be something...