Why did I do that? (loss topic)

KirstenAlecia

So ladies.....I am an idiot. Capitol I. 

Even though my news is still fresh...and i am only 4 days in to dealing with our loss, I up and decide that i should be not holing up in my house like a hermit. Im going about the days as normal as possible. For us that means Monday nights are at the local Pizzaria where they have a yummy buffet and even yummier salad bar. I know hubby isn't as down about this as I am and Im making my best attempts at normalcy. So I text him that Im up for pizza tonight. He texts me back he will pick me up and his mom decides that since I am going so will she. 

As we know....FB is rough for some of us at the moment......and that is definitely true for me. Our really good friends who just did their gender reveal and had a party and all that and of coarse my news feed was filled with it......well they walk into the room we have reserved for pizza. Now honestly........its not odd for them to be there. Our Monday night pizzeria ritual is not just us.....its a HUGE group of family and friends....at least 20 of us. However this couple hasn't shown in like a month. So i felt like it was a large possibility I may escape them.......but i knew it was still a possibility. Still........no biggie. Im ok I can deal. The walk over and hug hubby and hug me. I get an extra close squeeze from both of them......cause they know. Of coarse they know....they are one of our best couple friends. We told them our PG news first before any other friends, so of coarse we told them of our loss.

So i think.....I'll be fine. Im sad but Im happy for them. Seeing them.....its fine. It was fine until N (the husband half of our couple friends) starts loudly and excitedly talking about the baby. He is gonna be a dad to a girl.......he is gonna have to deal with boys and girl drama and pay for a wedding someday and on and on and on. Honestly this guy is a gusher........every life event (engagement, wedding, buying a house, getting a dog.....now babies) he is a gusher. I couldn't do it. I had to leave. My mother in law knew.....and she offered to take me home. Thank God. I almost lost it. 

I tried I really really really tried. I felt so bad. I don't want to be the elephant in the room. I don't want anyone to stop what would be normal because Im in a rough patch. Does anyone else get this.......I mean what do we do? On one hand i don't want to hide away......but on the other I can't help my feelings. I really don't want anyone to feel like they need to walk on eggshells.

This situation.....it also feels like a dirty little secret.......and that feels so so so wrong too. 

vh2014

Yeah, that really sucks, and is normal I think. I am sure everyone understood. And I'd they didn't, they will. More hugs to you, and huge kudos for trying!

kelley72

OH I am so sorry !  You do what you need to do to take care of yourself, those that matter will understand and be heartbroken with you, those that don't understand don't matter!  Cry, scream, laugh, whatever you need to do do it.  Peace and healing wishes for you!

tlc35

TMaggie0424 said:

I'm honestly amazed that you were out and about 4 days post loss. I don't think I did much of anything other than cry and lay on the couch for a week straight. I couldn't even eat. To be in that situation 4 days post loss is incredibly difficult! Many (hugs) to you! Time will never fully heal the wound but it does get easier. Sending T&Ps your way.

All of this.  I could barely go out to dinner with just my H for at least a month.

KirstenAlecia

Maybe Im trying too hard to push "getting better" and being "normal" on myself. 

It certainly doesn't feel right. 

MySallyGirl

  That had to be really rough.  Hugs. 

hooligans4

There is no normal or better after a loss.
I went into a hysterical crying fit at my moms house during a dinner party three weeks after my first loss. My husband just scooped me up and took me home. I thought I could do it but I just couldn't.
I cried on and off for three months. I know everyone is different but don't push yourself to get back to normal. Cry when you want to and be angry or happy when you need to be.
Let people walk on egg shells around you. So many things are going affect you these next few months. If you can avoid a trigger do it. Spare yourself and let people mind what they say and do around you.

CML11

MH would have definitely got a kick under the table or elbow jab to the ribs if he was gushing knowing about my friend's situation. I can't believe your friend didn't stop him.
It's all about healing. I can understand wanting to feel "normal" again, but maybe in small steps.
:x

TAT2MAMI

OH @KirstenAlecia - That had to have been so rough! I give you props for trying to be out and about so soon after your loss!
But seriously ... don't you worry about what anyone else thinks! You need to do what is best and feels right for you! Please take care of yourself and allow yourself time to grieve!
More hugs coming your way!!!

Nikolie93

I did what you did after one of my losses @KirstenAlecia. I thought I was ok, I got my ass up and went out like it was a normal night. I also ended up leaving early because I just couldn't handle it. 

The thing is you won't know if you're ok until you try. I give you props for trying but it seems like you just weren't ready. Like someone else said, those that know and care about you will understand, those that don't can go screw themselves. 

Don't beat yourself up about trying and ending up having to leave early because if you didn't go you would have been sitting at home kicking yourself for NOT going. 

It's going to take some time and the next time you go out you may be ok, you may not. Just know your feelings are justified and if you feel like leaving somewhere early, do it. 

*hug*

Edit: fixed tag

URMySunshine77

You do what's best for you. I don't think that you sound abnormal or too sensitive. Hugs, lady. 

rspalding001

I think you handled the situation as best as could be expected. Good for you for trying to do your normal routine and good for you for leaving when you knew you needed to. Just keep trying to do whats best for you :-) Hugs

KirstenAlecia

Thanks ladies. So i got a Facebook message a little while ago from her........apologizing. I think she knew he was too loud, too insensitive and plain ol oblivious.  She said "i kept trying to change the subject" 

Honestly i turned the other way and got on my phone and tried to play a game.....and after a bit i just left. I have no idea if she tried to steer him another way or not.......when i left i just said "yeah i just want to get home"  and said good bye to everyone. 

Honestly while I'm having a hard time....I may just steer clear of them. He is just gonna be too much to handle....no matter how close they are to us. 

lcwed

As everyone else has said, I am impressed you went out.  @Nikolie93 made a good point about not knowing if you will be okay or not.  The important thing is to remember that your emotional well being is the most important thing.  You do what you need to do to heal.  Don't worry if it doesn't happen right away.  It will come and go.  You may go long periods being okay and then something will hit, or you may have daily breakdowns for weeks.  There is no right or wrong way to heal and anyone who has a problem with your actions can get over it.  I think this is the one time it is okay to be selfish and focused on you.  Just take it day by day. 

meredithcarole

KirstenAlecia said:

Maybe Im trying too hard to push "getting better" and being "normal" on myself. 

It certainly doesn't feel right. 

After a loss there is a new "normal." There will be good days and you will think it is getting better, but then occasionally something happens and it is fresh and raw all over again. Don't push yourself too hard. This is not something you just "get over." It can be really hard for people who haven't been through it to totally get it and that in and of itself can make it difficult. Overall I would say I am doing much better now than I was in April, but grief isn't linear.

wvarn

@KristenAlecia After my loss I was no where even close to going out of the house that quick. There may never be a "normal" after a loss.  Mine was all the way back in 2009 and I still have hard days. When I see my former friend's little boy that she had around the same time that I would have had mine, I get all emotional thinking what would have been.  Its a rough road to follow and I'm so sorry your having to go down it.  Glad your MIL was supportive and took you home.  A good support system makes all the differance.  

KirstenAlecia

Thank you ladies. Im so very glad i was here before all this happened.........this is the  best group. 

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AuntieMissy76

Good for you for trying, but I love what @meredithcarole‌ said "grief isn't linear". You'll find some days it's good to go out and distract yourself and some days you can handle the joyous friends, others it will weigh on you or their joy will be a gut punch. Don't beat yourself up for having to leave. Be glad you had the strength to admit what you needed and take it. It honestly seems very insensitive of them to be talking at all (I'd be changing the subject immediately - not "trying") about their news instead of toning it down out of respect. Good for you for being resilient enough to get back on your feet and get out there...regardless of how long you lasted!!! You're strong and you will get through this!!!