NWMR: depresion/yelling in front of kids -could use words of support

potbellypig

I came off of my antidepressant medication a few weeks ago when I found out I was pregnant. I've totally relapsed. I'm back on them now, but they will probably take a week (at least) to kick in.

Sunday morning I had a really bad episode of anger - yelling/crying/swearing at DH over something he said that I was sensitive about. Worst part - DD (almost 3) was there. She came downstairs and sweetly said "stop yelling, guys". Apparently she told my MIL that I was yelling when she went over there later that day, which makes me feel like I traumatized her. Now in addition to feeling depression, I feel guilty and like a terrible mother.

I haven't been able to go to work yet this week because of how depressed/bad/unmotivated I feel.

mcgeeva

I'm sorry that is really hard. I think most people have had a moment or two where they have yelled in front of their kids. I was in a fight with DH when I was pregnant and screaming back and forth and our son not 2 yet walked in the room and started crying because it scared him. That was the last time we yelled in front of him. All you can do is try to be conscious about snapping when your lo's are around. But you did the right thing by getting back on your meds. Hang in there!  

nattyncbride

I don't have experience with depression, so I'm not going to pretend I know how you feel, but I wanted you to know that I'm sorry you are going through this, and you are not alone.

Yelling/crying/fighting in front of LO is not anything we are proud of, but I promise you we have all done it, it's all been done to us, and your kids will be FINE.  You feel like you scarred her b/c you are a good momma, and you are sensitive to it, but it will all be OK.  It wasn't your finest moment, but it happens.  

You are not a terrible mother.  You are battling depression, and you are going through a hard time.  Please don't beat yourself up.

I'm thinking of you, and hoping the Tgiving break gives you some time to relax and for your medicine to even things out a bit.  Take care!

PS- You are a good mom!!

Mustardseed2007

Honestly I can't even have a semi animated civil discussion with DH without my kid telling us to "stop guys stop!!" (no yelling, just both of us talking in an animated way - like sometimes we are even agreeing with each other but doing it energetically)

But what I've read recently is that when you have an ugly fight with your spouse it can be helpful for your child to hear you apologize to them and then you both commit to having more calm discussions in the future.

We all have bad moments, it doesn't mean that you are a bad mom. Not at all.

And honestly, I think your H should tell your MIL to not bring stuff like that up to you, when you are having a sensitive time like this. If she feels the need to say something, she can say something to him. She doesn't need to bring stuff like that to your attention. You know about it already.

mcgeeva

Mustardseed2007 said:

Honestly I can't even have a semi animated civil discussion with DH without my kid telling us to "stop guys stop!!" (no yelling, just both of us talking in an animated way - like sometimes we are even agreeing with each other but doing it energetically)

But what I've read recently is that when you have an ugly fight with your spouse it can be helpful for your child to hear you apologize to them and then you both commit to having more calm discussions in the future.

We all have bad moments, it doesn't mean that you are a bad mom. Not at all.

And honestly, I think your H should tell your MIL to not bring stuff like that up to you, when you are having a sensitive time like this. If she feels the need to say something, she can say something to him. She doesn't need to bring stuff like that to your attention. You know about it already.

Never heard of that. I can tell you I never heard my mother apologize growing up and my brother and I would get so sick over fights one of us would end up puking. Obviously we have crappy ways of dealing with stress. Definitely don't want my kids to turn out like me. But I have a feeling 80 of the time we wouldn't be able to do this after a fight. My husband always needs hours to let it sit where I can just move on.

2chatter

We argue in front of our kids, and also resolve arguments in front of our kids.  I don't think that makes me a bad parent at all.  DH had a total fit in front of the kids a few months ago - far transcending a normal argument and culminating in him slamming the door and literally leaving.  He had forgotten to refill his Zoloft and thought he would be OK for a few days - not so much.

I just explain it to the kids as "People have a hard time sometimes, and it's important that we are patient and kind. You are only responsible for your own behavior, never anyone else's, and nothing bad will happen because we argue. Everyone disagrees and sometimes we don't handle it as well as we want to."  Then we make up in front of them.

I think it will make the kids less oversensitive, less worried and more capable of coping, but I might be delusional after reading some of the other responses. So far it's working - DD and I actually had our first argument (she is all hormonal and got her first period and was a MESS) and after she came back to talk with me she said "I knew it would be OK and you would forgive me and I am so sorry for being so bratty."

So what are your kids getting out of you being human? 

mae0111

No advice, but sympathy.  I struggle with this as well.  My stress level is through the roof as of late, and my fuse is getting shorter and shorter.  My kids hear me being short with DH, which, in some ways, is as bad as yelling.  Even worse, I'm short with them.  Asking the 5 year old to do something 6-7 times, by the 8th time, I'm yelling. 

I do have a history of anxiety.  I've started meditating to control my moods and temper a bit.  Sitting in my car or in my office for 1-2 minutes after work before going into the house has been a huge help.  I can gather myself and breathe a bit, and I'm less likely to snap at everyone.

dashofreality

Just wanted to add another voice to it's ok to be human. I would talk about it simply with your DD, and in the future, try and model resolution in front of your kids. Kids learn from us, but so often we snap in front of them, but resolve it behind closed doors. Make sure they get the whole picture.

I grew up with my parents screaming at each other all the time. It didn't ruin me, they are still good parents, and we all still get along.

*sparky*

DH and I have certainly had disagreements in front of DS. We try to come to resolution in front of him as well, and have talked to him about adults having disagreements and it does not mean we don't love each other. We are never nasty when we fight and I don't think he is scarred in any way by it.

ridesbuttons

You're human. It's ok to have those moments. It's ok to show your kid that you are not perfect. It is ok.

shannm

Don't sweat it. I have moments of anger that I wish I could take back too. I just try to move forward and learn from it.

HobbityBarb

Adding another voice to the chorus of "it happens to all of us". 

You have a wonderful daughter - that's a great way for her to have responded. 

What I do when I've been yelling is directly apologise to my kids (either if I've been shouting at them or they've overheard an argument) - I apologise for yelling. It gives them a chance to talk to me about how they feel, and also it's a good chance for extra hugs

emberlee3

I'm so sorry.  We all lose it and snap at times.  Parenting is hard, even more so when you're pregnant, and a million times harder if you're depressed.

I always apologize to my kids when I lose my cool.  It is a good opportunity to verbalize what you were feeling, model apologizing, and to think/talk about what you'll do differently next time. 

MommyAtty

More creepy Internet love and support here. My BFF has depression and anxiety. So does my brother. You are fighting a tough battle. And frankly your depression is what is telling you this is a huge deal. It's really not. Let it go and be as kind to yourself as you would be a friend who told you this story.

justifyyourlove

I can relate to your post since I have some postpartum stress, anxiety, and depression.  With all the stress, responsibilities, hormones, etc. it finally gets me sometimes and I end up arguing with my husband.  Worse, I'm the one yelling at him in front of our baby.  It is comforting other moms experience what you and I do.  Overall, I try to function everyday but then there are really bad days as you know.  All we (you and I and the rest of us) can do is our best as mommies and get help when we can.