Do I have to invite all "family" members to my shower?!

June4511

I am 20 weeks pregnant with our first baby and my best friend is throwing me a baby shower in a few months. We agreed on around 25 guests as that's about as many as her home can comfortably handle. The guest list was pretty easy to come up with - I keep a close group of a few friends and the women in my family and my husband's family are all very close. With my current guest list we are right at 25 guests. 

However, about 5 months ago my husband's uncle (who we only see on the rare holiday) randomly married a woman he's been dating casually for about a year and a half. No one in the family cares for her. I personally have only met her 4 or 5 times at family dinners, and every time she's been slightly drunk, loud and rude. She's made dinners so uncomfortable that we've started to avoid attending any holidays that she'll be at. 

I'm conflicted about inviting her. I don't want her there obviously- its a special time for us and our close family/friends - and I have no relationship with her. But I imagine that not inviting her will cause trouble. Even though I don't see her or interact with her regularly I don't want to cause a problem for my MIL. I love my mother in law - she's super sweet - but I know she would say the new "aunt" should be invited, only because she is very passive (I'm not) and has a hard time saying no to anyone for any reason. 

Is it okay to not invite her? I feel its fair - considering I don't have a relationship with her and my guest list is at capacity - but she would be the only "member of the family" not invited. What should I say to my mother in law about it? 

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neverblushed

I think you say to your MIL pretty much what you said in this post, omitting the stuff about how DH's new aunt gets drunk and makes you uncomfortable.

Don't make it personal at all. Don't mention it to your MIL. Just don't include this aunt on the guest list. If it even comes up, just tell your MIL that your hostess had limited capacity for guests, that the guest list without Uncle's wife was at the limit, and that inviting her would have meant not inviting another family member with whom you actually have a longer-standing relationship.

HStrawberry

neverblushed said:

I think you say to your MIL pretty much what you said in this post, omitting the stuff about how DH's new aunt gets drunk and makes you uncomfortable.

Don't make it personal at all. Don't mention it to your MIL. Just don't include this aunt on the guest list. If it even comes up, just tell your MIL that your hostess had limited capacity for guests, that the guest list without Uncle's wife was at the limit, and that inviting her would have meant not inviting another family member with whom you actually have a longer-standing relationship.

I agree with @neverblushed‌. You have to draw a line somewhere with both friends and family. I've attended a shower with a very similar sounding aunt (she was very drunk and extremely rude/obnoxious at the event). It made everyone so uncomfortable and awkward. My poor friend was so embarrassed and visibly upset during the party. I felt so bad for her. I think if she will very negatively effect the comfort of all the other guests then I wouldn't invite her. To me, that's one of the etiquette things to consider for your guests.

chicagojackie

You can always claim you DID invite her (evil smile). But that would be wrong.

Since she's the only one left out I'm with @Bliss+Berry‌ you need to include her as well to avoid what would obviously be perceived as a clear slight. It does not matter that the family doesn't like her or that she is rude. You should not repay her rudeness in kind. Your MIL will appreciate your good manners as well.

Eta: if you think she or anyone else has a drinking problem you can request that the hostesses don't serve alcohol (I have been to baby showers both ways and always very nice.) Might help the situation as well.

VOR

neverblushed said:

I think you say to your MIL pretty much what you said in this post, omitting the stuff about how DH's new aunt gets drunk and makes you uncomfortable.

Don't make it personal at all. Don't mention it to your MIL. Just don't include this aunt on the guest list. If it even comes up, just tell your MIL that your hostess had limited capacity for guests, that the guest list without Uncle's wife was at the limit, and that inviting her would have meant not inviting another family member with whom you actually have a longer-standing relationship.

100% agree with this.  And especially on just keeping mum about it. Don't talk about the guest list to your MIL.  It may never come up.