Intro (Living child mentioned)

bumpuser10605721

Hello everyone,

First off I'm sorry for everyone's loss and wish we all wern't here.

I've been lurking for a few weeks and figured I'm ready to do an intro.

On October 14th my husband and I found out we were expecting #2, we have one son who will be 2 on December 29th, I found at 6 am in the morning and after a digi decided I would tell my husband that night. I ordered a ice cream cake that read "You did it again, Daddy of 2 coming June 2015" I got his reaction on video and everything, we were both so so so happy. I've deleted this video since as I think seeing him so happy is what hurts the most now. I was paranoid for 3 weeks because I felt I didn't feel pregnant enough, but it was also exactly how I was with my son, so talked myself down constantly. Two weeks ago this past Saturday I had brown spotting and one streak of BRP, but after reading calmed myself by this "normal" occurrence. Then two weeks today it increased to more brown spotting, that night I went to the hospital, my HCG was only 5000, which was normal for a 5-6 week pregnancy, not 8 weeks, they did an exam and said my cervix was closed and said maybe my dates were off. I knew my dates so immediately felt defeated. The next day i had an ultrasound which showed a 6 week sac, no baby, they told me it could be a empty sac or small baby but can't confirm until 8 weeks...which confuses me now because i should of been 8 weeks, so, it was empty (my conclusion anyway) I did beta's the next day and got the results on Friday the 14th, they dropped to 3000 and my family doctor confirmed I would miscarry. Over the course of the week mentioned my bleeding slowly increased, I was only spotting on a pad but would fill toilet paper when wiping. I wanted to miscarry naturally as I have previous trauma's in the O/R, and also wanted my body to go threw the motions, my doctor agreed. I had a quiet weekend at home with my son and husband, my bleeding increased and I had a few dull cramps, and I passed a few clots. I thought that was it and felt good, no cramps, by Sunday night. 1 week ago today I woke up to an abundance of large clots and bleeding, but as the day progressed things subsided to small clots and a lighter flow. NOW I thought things were over. Then Tuesday I woke to the same, I made it into work as I did every day throughout this but after a few hours of filling a pad every half hour I panicked and went to the ER, my beta's were now 1300 but U/S showed retained tissue. The OB said he was fine with waiting or doing a D&C. I was plagued with thoughts of "Omg what if I die in the O/R" "What is I die from bleeding to death" "What if he damages me and I can never have kids" ultimately I decided to have a D&C that night. I went home about 9:30 PM and recovery has been good. Im just spotting brown as of today and my body feels good.

I still have thoughts of "why me? whats wrong with me? will i ever have kids again? what if I can't?" 

I have a few girlfriends who have been wonderful, but have never been through this. I have a great midwife who's been a great support also. But its still very lonely.

My husband and I want to try again as soon as we can.......and this also makes me feel extremely guilty.

Its been suck a roller coaster.......

I've read through the mess of sentences above and sighed a big sigh, so I think that means I should stop typing!

~T

flyoffeve

I am so sorry for your loss. (Hugs)

Nikolie93

Hey there, I am sorry for your loss. The waiting game is always the worst and I am glad your D&C went well. 

Don't feel guilty about wanting to try again right away but definitely give yourself time to heal, not only physically but mentally. 

Also the thoughts you're having are completely normal too. I won't lie and say you will never be sad over this again, but it does get a bit easier as time goes on. 

*hug* 

bumpuser10605721

Thanks ladies