Really struggling - need advice/support from WMs

*sparky*

I had a baby 7 months ago.  We also have a 9-year-old.  My DH is basically OOT or out of the house from 6a - 8p Mon-Thu.  I work three days a week which should be ideal, but with dropping off and picking up both kids and the distance of my commute it is taking me 1.5 hours each way.  My boss has agreed to let me work from 9-3 on those three days so I can make this work but I am still struggling with getting out of the house on time, helping DS with homework after school, making dinner, etc.

DD is usually ready to start her bedtime routine by 5:30 so I have about an hour to do all of this.  Plus she is a crappy sleeper so many nights I am functioing on 2-3 hours of sleep.  Right now she is teething so I am mostly sleeping in the glider in her nursery while she wants to nurse or be held most of the night or she screams her head off.

DD goes to a sitter at her house but I pay nanny rates since DD is the only child she watches.  I am losing out on a lot of the benefits of having a nanny, though.  I love the sitter and DD is happy there so I am hesitant to change.

So when will it get better and will I have a chance to sit down to catch my breath for 20 minutes?  What can I do or change to make things better in the meantime?  I really feel like I am losing my mind and spending all day out of the house to get only a few hours of work in.

ETA: My DH's schedule will be like this for another year and then he will be local.

Also, my boss has changed me from salary to hourly for this arrangement so I will get paid for 6 hours a day but pay for 9 hours of childcare.

MommyAtty

Bless your heart. It sounds like you're struggling. The first thing is sleep. You need some. I know your husband works full-time, but is he taking any night shifts? He needs to, even if it's just weekends.

Second, if you're paying nanny rates, get a nanny. Then you don't have to do drop off and pick up. A nanny could also pick your son up from school and start homework. Remember: your daycare solution ensures your child is safe, healthy, and well-cared for. But it also logistically has to work for you. Maybe since you love the sitter and she only watches one kid, she would shift to coming to you? (Remember though this may change your tax situation!)

Sending you good thoughts. DS is almost 7 mos and now has 3 teeth. They've been hard on my little guy. I feel for you on that.

*sparky*

@BubblesMartin - I have been PT for 3 years as a salaried employee, so this is a change for me which is why I bring it up.  A bigger portion of what I make each day will be going to childcare. 

alli2672

I would also be getting nanny services.  Ask her to come to your house, pick up your son from school, get homework started, do baby (and maybe even the 9 /o's) laundry, and possibly get a simple dinner prepped during baby's naptime. 

If she can't do that, then I would look for another nanny. You are paying for it, and you need it. 

I also think it's ridiculous that kids are expected to be in school for 7 hours/day, then do another hour or so of homework at night when they need to be playing, sleeping, eating, and spending time with their families.  But that is a topic for a different thread. 

*sparky*

The nanny I have has 2 kids of her own.  They are in school most of the time my DD is there but she needs to be home before and after school, which is why I go to her.  The timing also prevents her from being able to take my DS to school and pick him up (he goes to private school so no bus).

My dad helps me a couple of afternoons a week with getting DS and bringing him home but he leaves the house a mess and sucks at homework.  He is doing it for free and is not going to change so I need to find another option or just deal with it.  His wife used to help me a ton but she passed away last month.

*sparky*

I think I really do need to change the childcare situation - it just sucks because I really like who we have and feel like my daughter is in good hands.  The logistics of it are not working for me though and I feel like I am paying for a lot more than I am getting.

DH does help out at night when he can but this little lady is such a mama's girl and most of the time she just wants the boob and nothing else will do.  I guess it is nice to be loved but OMG I just need some sleep. 

welly01

I second the recommendation at bed-sharing.  Seriously, its how I survived being a BFing, working mom.  Research how to do it safely and then give it a try.  You could also side-car a crib to your bed if you don't actually want the baby in bed with you.   

I would also rethink your childcare situation.  Either get nanny work for nanny pay or find a daycare.  Our daycare will drop kids off at school until they are 12.  So I will only have one drop-off until kid(s) are 12.  Do something to make the situation easier.

I also think 5:30 is WAY too early for bedtime routine.  I agree with the recommendation to wear her during dinner or put her down for a short nap.  Could you also speak with your sitter to see if they can adjust when she takes a nap so she's not so tired?

Good luck.  It sounds like you've got it really hard right now.  Changes are definitely needed if you're going to keep your sanity. 

 

ErinO21

I am on team get an in home nanny. It sounds like you need a different one. That will save tons of time and maybe even work for you. A 530 bedtime is pretty early and sounds like it just starts a string of naps anyways. I would attempt to move that back or adjust LOs routine to get bedtime later. Hang in there! You are doing a great job!

*sparky*

I am thinking about bedsharing if I can't get this LO to sleep.  I had just started NCSS but then she got a cold, followed by teething and her sleep went to total shit. 

Regarding the early bedtime, she was doing a third nap around 3:00-3:30 which meant bedtime was around 6:30 vs. 5:30 but she has been fighting that most days and so by 5:30 she is a hot mess.  I can wear her but she will only actually nap if I am upstairs where it is quiet.  If I am doing homework, dinner, etc. she stays calm but awake.  And the later I put her to bed, the worse she sleeps.

*sparky*

Someone made the comment that if I get a nanny to come to me I can actually work more hours and get paid more - that is a good point.

*sparky*

@ClaryPax - that is all good advice - thank you. 

RE: my dad, he will let DS leave his stuff everywhere (whereas we normally have him put it away).  The dishes from whatever snacks they had will be on the table.  He will unpack DS's lunch box but leave all of the containers in the sink dirty.  Any games or toys they played with are left out, and DS's books are usually on the dinner table.

I have tried Tylenol for the teeth but it has not helped.  Ready to try Motrin, but these top two teeth are so close to pushing through I am hoping that it is any day now.

groovygrl

Nanny at home for sure. Finding one will be a pain but I would think huge difference in your stress levels. I had a terrible sleeper too and am a big proponent of early bedtime but we did 630...530 seems reallllly early. Does 9 yr old get an allowance or anything? Maybe tie a reward to him helping out and cleaning up etc if that will work. Good luck!!!

*sparky*

9-yr-old gets an allowance and does help out.  But what I am struggling with are the things he needs help with - like his homework, making his dinner, getting him to sports (thank goodness soccer season just ended), etc.  He sets the tables, clears plates, and does a few other things to help out. 

The 5:30 bedtime does suck and I need to work on moving naps later or making sure she gets her third nap so I don't have to get her down so early.  But what will happen is I get to sitter's at 4 pm and she will say "DD did not get her third nap today".  By the time I get home it is 4:30-ish, I need to feed DD and DS needs dinner, then it is 5:00 - 5:15 and DD is in full meltdown mode so off to bed we go.

*sparky*

DS can start and do most of his homework on his own, but there are certain things he struggles with and I usually look everything over after he has done it so I know he is getting it or so I can help him if there is anything he got wrong.  Also I do have to help him study for tests as he is not great with study skills at this point.  We need to go over some things a few times.  I certainly don't have to be as hands on as I was in 1st grade, but he is not working completely independently either. 

MickeyM04

Oh my, this does sound rough!

I have my days too where I feel like I just want to curl in a ball and say FUCK THIS.  We leave our house at 6:45 a.m. and because of our commute I don't get to work until 8:30.  Then I leave at 4:45 (which is highly frowned upon) and I don't walk in the door with both kids until 6:25.  So here's what we do to make it work.  We cook twice a week.  Sunday we make a big crockpot or casserole type meal that lasts us through Tuesday or Wednesday.  Then Wednesday night we make a casserole or something we can eat the rest of the week.  I have a ton of easy recipes I can share with you if you'd like.  But basically that takes cooking out of the equation. 

In the mornings, right before I get the kids up, I tiptoe in (and if I wake them, really who cares because they have to get up in a minute anyway) and pick out their PJ's and diapers and wash cloths for that night and lay them in the bathroom and lay out their clothes for the next morning. So now everything is ready at bedtime and no dilly dallying with clothes selection in the morning.

We have also (unfortunately?) gotten DS in the habit of wanting a small snack/water on the way home from school.  So on Sunday I pre-bag a bunch of Nilla wafers or whatever for the week so that in the morning I just grab a baggy and go. 

Nights end up pretty crazy because by the time all the above prepwork is done, it's 8:15, and I go to bed at 9:00 bc DD still wakes up to eat during the night.  But your DH is home by 8 so he could really be helping you with some of this stuff anyway; I don't know why if you don't get to detox when you get home, why he should be able to.  But this way the mornings would go super smoothly for you because you don't have to get anything ready.  Maybe even pre-make breakfast if you can? (Cereal bars anyone?)

Also, do you like your job?  Are you happy there?  Is being hourly screwing you?  Could you start a job search?  

And I will echo PP, there is no way I would pay nanny rates for a drop off daycare situation.  You can find excellent childcare for nanny prices, so if cost is not an obstacle, find something that works better for you.

HANG IN THERE MAMA, you are doing GREAT.  

*sparky*

@MickeyM04 - DH is hit or miss at night.  He is drained and has a worse commute than mine so by the time he gets home he is crabby and tired.  He has taken to griping about not getting any time to decompress and I want to punch him.  He knows I don't get any time either but he is used to being able to chill and watch a little TV at night when he walks in and the second kiddo changed that.  He also is not home every single night - sometimes he stays where he is working to avoid the 2+ hour drive. 

I do need to be better about prepping for the next day at night.  There are some things I do, or have DS do, at night, but sometimes I just flat out run out of energy.  Or the baby wakes up screaming, or whatever.

*sparky*

TB won't let me edit my comment above but I should add that DH does kick butt on the weekends - yesterday he did all of the grocery shopping and made a huge batch of chili which will give us dinner for a couple of nights plus plenty to freeze.  He is awesome with the 9-year-old but not all that great with the baby so a lot of the baby care falls to me.  And unfortunately because of his crappy schedule she does not see him much during the week - the other week he did not see her awake for three days - so if he tries to go console her in the middle of the night she is like "yeah, I don't think so."

MickeyM04

Agree with @kdc2007.  

My DH knows that we both have horrible hours and a lot of sh*t to do during the week.  No one gets decompress time unless the other one gets decompress time.  He doesn't get to sit on the couch while I make bottles/prep snacks/whatever.  Likewise, I don't get to sit on the couch while he cleans bottles/etc.  We both sit down at the same time every night.  Give or take a few minutes of course.

Also, can you prep at all on the weekends?  I try to do as much prep as I can on Sunday.  Like obviously I can't pre-make bottles that far in advance for the week, but I can make DS's snacks, make my lunches for the week, etc.  It sometimes helps to not have to do that stuff during the week.  Like, if you could lay out all clothes/jammies for the week, or I know some people cook all their meals for the week on Sunday, like whatever you can do ahead of time it's that much less, especially if DH can't really be counted on during the week but CAN on the weekend.  Take advantage of that and have him help you on Sunday.

mcgeeva

I don't have any advice more just support! My husband has traveled every other week for over a year and a half. I have a 2.5 yr old and 8 month old. I travel 3 hours a day for work and work full time with a job that has ZERO flex time. So I hear ya on wanting to pull your hair out. Your being mommy and daddy yourself which is incredibly hard. All I can say is if you need a little break maybe ask a neighbor to watch the baby for an hour or so to give yourself a break. I just had to get up super early to make it to work on time. But after a year of being by myself all the time I just called in a sitter when I got home from work just so I could even clean the house without a baby hanging on me. Hang in there that is tough! 

*sparky*

Thanks @mcgeeva - it is incredibly hard and isolating and sometimes I wonder why we did this again.  I love my kids but I just feel like there is not enough of me to go around.  Getting some evening help is a good idea. 

*sparky*

Thanks @ClaryPax - yes, the pumping at work and prepping and washing bottles is a huge hassle.  And I know we were so sleep deprived with my DS but after so many years you really do forget how bad it actually was and how long it lasted.

mcgeeva

I hear ya it's rough. The baby is what makes it most difficult. But with age it will get easier. I think being alone a lot of the time is what we fight most about. While he is out to dinners and watching football we are on call all day all night. So when he get's home and wants to sleep in or complain I just can't empathize at all.

emberlee3

The first year is so hard.

Pump into bags and have sitter prep/wash bottles.

Plan snack for DS predinner while you take care of baby.

Divvy up chores with DH so you both share the load.

Bed share.

NicoleWI

Okay, I am lurking and am now a SAHM, but I worked FT until last spring and my DH is also gone a LOT. In spring & fall he was pretty much gone until after bedtime each night, but he could help with morning stuff. Anyway, like everyone else, I say get a NANNY at your own home. It's the one thing you could do that will make everything much easier. Cuts down on the commute, and she can do a few things for you at home during the day (laundry, start the crock pot, whatever). You also don't have to mess with packing up bottles. We used care.com with mixed results. Word of mouth is better if you can find it. Good luck! It's SOOO Hard when you are sleep deprived. I really shouldn't have even been driving when DS was a baby, in hindsight. 

*sparky*

I should get my dad to come over for a couple of hours on my days off so I can nap, get a haircut, whatever.

Our first nanny (who did come to the house) was from care.,com. I ended up firing her because she showed poor judgment in a few areas, including having a friend stop by while she was working and going outside to talk to her friend while DD was napping in her swing. DS came home from riding his bike (this was before school started) and DD was screaming bloody murder. Nanny was still outside chatting. DS got DD out of her swing and was trying to calm her down when nanny came in and yelled at him for getting DD up and not letting her settle herself. So that was her last day.

Now I am hesitant to get someone else I don't know and i have been looking on care.com but have not been all that thrilled with what I am seeing. I have asked around to friends a couple of times before but have not gotten any good recommendations. Most of my friends in the area are SAHMs.

But I agree I do need to make a change.

WLJ2

I'm not sure I can say anything that hasn't already been said but I I agree with trying to work bed time into a later routine. It sounds like using a nanny would benifit you well. I wish you luck.
I do the single parent thing mon-fri since we work posited schedules 2/3 of the year. Everything gets easier... or you just get used to it? I hope switching your child care helps you out.

QTee

Gosh, hang in there, it will get better! It sounds like at nanny at your home would really simplify your life. We had a nanny for our sons first three years and while it wasn't perfect she would do the laundry, clean up the house, get dinner ready. Also take my young son to the library and pick up my older daughter from school and drive her to whatever sport she was playing. We don't have this anymore because my son is now in full time preschool and it is hard to get used to!

So I want to tell you how we found our nanny. My grandma had a hip replacement surgery when my son was an infant and she needed someone to help her for a few weeks. She called a local church (we are not religious) and asked if there was a member of the church who might need some part-time work. This woman took care of my grandma, and then latter became our nanny. Not something I ever would of thought to try so I thought I would pass it on!

NADA-H

I agree with MickeyM04

plus these are my two cents on the topic

if your paying nanny hours anyway I'd definitely switch to a nanny! your wasting time, money, and energy on drop off/pick up, plus having a nanny at home means that she can help you with some of the morning hassle and maybe pick up a few chores? you will feel much rested for not having to race back and forth to the sitter's house and be able to put more time at work and have a couple less chores at home. I would most definitely switch, even if I liked the sitter, the fact that it isn't working financially/time wise/any other reason would make it unfeasible for me.

as to other chores, get your 9 years old to help you with some of the really easy stuff while your doing some of the other chores, that way you will be more available once you guys are done with chores. Check out www.misformama.net she works part time, home schools her kids (she has 5 with the 6th on the way and the youngest 2 are 2 years old twins bless her heart and FML) whenever I feel bad I just look at how put together she is and that makes me feel bad about bitching about my life and throwing myself a pity party which I have been doing a lot lately (note to self I need to read up some more on her blog) and get me in the I CAN DO IT vibe. You can get some tips from her on what chores to give your kid and helping with homework etc, I believe her eldest kid is your DD's age and the second is a little younger.

bumpuser10331514

I haven't read any of the comments yet, but if nanny only watches your DD, can she come to your house and stay until 5:30?

amieeyoung

Try getting as much done on the weekend as possible. Prep a few meals (we like to crockpot on Monday since we have after school stuff and it will last a couple of meals) then again on Wed. make a meal that will last a few nights. Also, it is ok to have pizza or pre-packaged on occasion.

Pack snacks/ and part of lunches Sunday (if you do a pre prepped meal on Wed. you could do second half of the week then).

Lay out all clothes for the week on Sunday. 

It is rough, I wish you the best of luck..

ECATX

The only suggestion I have is to simplify your meals and do more on weekends. We mostly have leftovers from Sunday, a crock pot meal, or a freezer meal that I made ahead of time. I don't have 2 kids yet, but DD is a handful, and cooking with her around is super stressful/not possible. DH gets home after dinner, and handling dinners this way has made things a lot easier.

dashofreality

I didn't read all the responses, but what I did read there was some good advice. One thing I would consider is going to part-time BFing. If you are dedicated to going to a year feel free to ignore but I dropped down to nursing only in the morning/evening with both my kids around 7 months and it really helped my stress level to not add pumping at work to the madness. It also helped my kids sleep and personally I had no problem dropping down to PT nursing.

I would also try and find new care and hang in there. With my second I was drowning right around 6-7 months, he was sleeping like crap and I was struggling. A few weeks later we turned a corner and he was mostly sleeping 12 hours with only an occasional wakeup. GL!

*sparky*

Thank you @dashofreality‌. DD's horrible sleep really does contribute to my overall poor mood and stress levels.  If these front teeth don't come soon I will lose my mind.

I have thought many times about cutting back/stopping pumping during the day.  I used to really stress about not pumping enough, and the work of dragging the pump around, finding time to pump in a 6-hour work day, etc. do add to my stress levels.  But on my days off, BFing is pretty easy and this LO is definitely hooked on the boob so right now while her sleep is so rough I don't want to do anything that may impact my supply.  I can not wait to smash that pump into a million tiny bits when I am finally done with it though. 

And @sassypantzz - thank you!  Your post and siggy made me smile.