Does your DH/SO understand?

welly01

DH really hurt my feelings last night when we were talking about something that is a trigger.  He asked when I would quit being angry.  I tried to explain to him that I'm not angry, just trying to deal with my emotions and there's some things/people I don't want to be around right now.  He tried to apologize last night and sent me flowers at work today, but I'm still really hurt and frustrated that he just doesn't get it.  He doesn't understand how I'm feeling at all.

He apologized for hurting my feelings/making me mad, not because he understands, just because he didn't want to be in trouble anymore.  Do you feel like your DH/SO has any level of understanding about your feelings?  Do they allow you to have your ugly cries or do they freak out like something is wrong with you?  Do they get it when you need to avoid certain triggers?

Menrandes

*hugs*
Everyone deals with grief in their own way.  Maybe he understands, but doesn't deal with it in the same way you do, KWIM?
I do suggest you sit down and talk with him about this.  Make sure he understands which triggers you have so you can avoid them.
My husband deals with triggers like I do, so he yeah, he understands.
We both unfortunately break down about the same things.  It's good to have someone that understand and goes through what you do, but at the same time it would be nice to have someone to lean on. 

tlc35

To some extent I feel like my H gets it.  But he definitely seems a lot less emotional to me.  I told him that I was annoyed our neighbor said "at least you can get pregnant."  And he said that it is true but it sucks to have to go through that to prove it.  He does allow me to have ugly cries and he feels sad for me but we definitely aren't grieving in the same way.

welly01

 Geez, its starting to look like I'm the only one married to a dumbass.

LittleMrsW

@tlc35 I feel the same way.
My DH gets it, but we both grieve differently. There are some triggers for me that I know he doesn't understand, but he still tries to support me and let me have an ugly cry if needed.

MrsOscarFelix

 

wellybug said:

 Geez, its starting to look like I'm the only one married to a dumbass.

Nope, I feel like this often. My H has a weird way of dealing with everything. To him it's easier to forget and just move on. When I get really upset about it still, he doesn't completely get it. He thinks just because we are TTC again that I should just forget about it. So your answer : I feel like he understands to an extent. But yeah there are times when I am upset or angry he doesn't understand and expects me to just be fine and that typically turns in an argument 8-| . He's not a huge "talker" either, he listens but doesn't really give much input into the situation so I feel like I'm talking to a wall sometimes.

ctk181

I am right there with you @wellybug . My H does not get it at all. He bounced right back after our loss and really struggled with understanding why I did/have not. He isn't mean about it or anything he just truly does not understand and for some reason he can't get where I'm coming from. It is very, very frustrating and can be hard on our relationship. He thinks I am "being negative" by dwelling on our loss, any maybe he has some valid points, but I think my reaction is pretty normal. TBH, I really just don't talk about it with him anymore and he kind of just goes with the flow and doesn't argue if I tell him I'm not feeling up for something but I can tell he gets annoyed by it sometimes. That is probably not the best route to go but that is just how I'm coping at the moment because attempts to talk about it have not gotten us anywhere. I'm sorry you are going through it too and I wish I had better advice. So many hugs.

MrsOscarFelix

ctk181 said:

I am right there with you @wellybug . My H does not get it at all. He bounced right back after our loss and really struggled with understanding why I did/have not. He isn't mean about it or anything he just truly does not understand and for some reason he can't get where I'm coming from. It is very, very frustrating and can be hard on our relationship. He thinks I am "being negative" by dwelling on our loss, any maybe he has some valid points, but I think my reaction is pretty normal. TBH, I really just don't talk about it with him anymore and he kind of just goes with the flow and doesn't argue if I tell him I'm not feeling up for something but I can tell he gets annoyed by it sometimes. That is probably not the best route to go but that is just how I'm coping at the moment because attempts to talk about it have not gotten us anywhere. I'm sorry you are going through it too and I wish I had better advice. So many hugs.

this. this is exactly what my H says and this is exactly how I have been handling it.

blackbird818

wellybug said:

 Geez, its starting to look like I'm the only one married to a dumbass.

L-) Nope you aren't alone. Although I feel like fine falls more into the asshole category mainly.

Case in point: After having our u/s and discovering a MMC, we were alone in the room waiting for the Dr to come back to take us to the u/s tech to confirm. I was just crying and H kept saying he didn't know what to say. Then he says, "now I don't want you getting as bad as you did last time". Referring to how I handled my emotions/grief during our first mc. I had to count to ten to not go off on him when he said that. You don't know what to say and that's what you go with?!?!?!?! ~X(

My H isn't very sensitive (if that wasn't blatantly obvious after the above) and doesn't really show emotion.

scoutmaxwell

Ugh yes it can be tough for us. My DH was SO amazing through the MC, D&C and generally a saint for a week or 2. Now he is still understanding, and sad about it as well, but we got an a fight last weekend where he said he feels like everything has to be about me and the m/c and he can never be upset about anything without me bringing it back to that. I don't think I am turning everything into being about me or what happened, I just think that any time i start to feel emotional about ANYTHING I just go to the place of thinking about the loss. 

Km380

To answer your question first, mh sort of gets it. What I mean by that is he understands that I am grieving, he understands things will trigger me and mostly knows what will do it. He understands sometimes I will be sadder than others, sometimes I will cry, sometimes I will be seemingly fine. He doesn't understand all of my feelings for the simple fact that it is my body. 

Now, I do not understand the pressure he has when having to perform on demand (particularly now that we do medicated cycles) and I don't understand what it must be like to watch me go through the physical parts. 

Here is where it gets really fun. We are both grieving the same thing. There are times when neither of us can support the other at that moment and that is when we usually end up fighting. So no, you are not the only one that married a dumbass. I did too. For that matter, so did mh.

In the immediate time after my second loss I thought MH was handling everything fine....until I started doing better physically and he finally felt like he could stop acting strong every second. Even if yh isn't showing it, he lost something too and is grieving.

Communication is so important in a marriage. In dealing with all of this extra crap, even more so. 

(((Hugs))) I hope you guys can talk it out.

Oh and its super sweet he sent you flowers! 

mrspipp

I definitely can sympathize. In the past week, mine had brought up 3 different triggers. One of them was something from facebook, when he knows I'm taking a break from it. When I started crying while cooking soup, he just kind of wandered out of the room.

I would agree with PP that everyone processes grief differently. MH took our first loss harder than our second, and I was the opposite. It's taken me much longer to not cry every day, and he has trouble knowing what to do.

(((Hugs))) try telling him how you are feeling (I try this, but sometimes it ends up being yelling...so I should probably take my own advice)

mflowers929

MH is not big on emotions, and it makes him very uncomfortable when I get emotional. He's also got some trust issues from long before me. When I start crying he usually either tries to get me to stop (usually by being funny, which sometimes backfires because then I get hysterical) or just tells me to go to bed.
The other day when I was upset, I told him I just wanted him to be honest with me. He said that the whole baby thing freaks him out and that he thinks I'm unstable and holding on too much to the miscarriage. I couldn't really say anything because I asked him to be honest, but c'mon! Really!?

welly01

Thank you ladies. We had a talk over dinner ( in public so I couldn't lose it) and I feel much better. He told me he hadn't realized how much this had affected me. I explained to him that sometimes I'm just not going to be able to talk about certain things or see certain people.

Communication is definitely not our strong point, but this was a step in the right direction.

BookishMomma

petitchou1019 said:

I know he's sad but I don't think he holds on to that sadness as much as I do.

THIS. DH told me last night that he's done being sad and that he wants to "get back to our lives." I told him it's only been a week since our loss & I'm nowhere near bouncing back. I'm not the same person I was before this last year. I'm just not, and I think that frustrates him.

rnchloe

I'm sorry you're feeling this way but I can totally relate! I feel angry with DH sometimes because he seems to be so over it and has the "we will just try again" mentality. For some reason anyone saying "well you can just try again" seems to really minimize what happened to us. I feel like I lost a baby. Our baby. I can't just say oh I'll try again next time. It hurts me for some reason. I know I am very sensitive right now but I really know how it feels. (((Hugs))) to you!

rnchloe

@scoutmaxwell‌ you sound just like me! DH was amazing through finding out we lost the baby at our 11week u/s, the 2nd u/s thinking there was still a HB prior to my scheduled d&c, waiting a week to find out that baby actually did not have a HB and then my MVA. It was a complete rollercoaster and he was amazing! Now 2 weeks later he is back to normal life and seems ok.

I told him today I wish I he understood why I am so sad and that if he had gone through it he would get it. He's angry with me and says he lost a baby too and that I'm making it all about me. I'm not trying to do that but I am the one who has felt the physical and emotional rollercoaster at a much deeper level. (((Hugs))) to you! I know how you feel and I know it will get better for both of us.

mflowers929

@readinglove‌ that is exactly what I said to MH. I told him that I'm not the same now, and it might get better, but I'll never not be sad. I'm sad right now because my baby would have been here in a month. I'll be sad next year because I should have had a one year old. Over time, I might forget the exact date, and I might go longer and longer without thinking about it, but in 25 years I might think back and get sad thinking about "would my child have had a good job? A family of their own?"
I think explaining it to him that way made him understand a bit more. I'm, of course, sad that I lost my baby. But I think I'm even more sad that I lost the person they would have been.

Nikolie93

I love MH dearly but we are just so different emotionally. I'm an open book and he's just... Always the same. Not in a bad way, just a different way.

He listens to me and he's awesome but sometimes I just want to scream at him to show some more emotion. We talked one day and he did tell me that he's just really glad he didn't lose me. My MC in April was a horrible one and he said he almost wanted to give up because he never wanted to see me go through that again.

One night recently he had a frustrating day at work and while on the phone with him, he started to cry. I know he was crying for our losses.

At the end of the day I know he's upset but I just don't think it's possible for them to feel the loss like we do.

I'm glad you were able to talk to him, that's so very important.

*hug* to all you ladies.

SunshineShades

I am not sure tbh.
I have no doubt he was very sad with both our losses. I also think (or feel) he's already moved on. When I talk about any of it lately I feel like he's thinking "are we talking about this again?". Now granted, that could just be me thinking incorrectly.

I have had to more than once tell him to stop justifiying people's responses. I felt like after my second loss my SIL was not very supportive and that she didn't see it as a big deal. He kept telling me why she was acting the way she was. I had to tell him repeatedly I do not need it explained to me, I get it. It does not make it hurt less, and it does not mean I cannot be upset by it. On the other hand my mum did the exact same thing last night when I mentioned my SIL and she said " well some people just don't know what to say" ... yup I get it, still hurts though.

stephy1221

My H does not get it. He moved on pretty quickly.

 I know he was sad about the loss and the D&C was scary for him but he bounced back fast, like went back to work the day we found out the heart stopped beating fast (in all fairness he was in mandatory OT but obviously could have gotten out of it for that day due to that circumstance).

I was holding on to resentment for a while but finally got some things off my chest and realized he didn't need to get it as much as I needed to express it.

Once I could express myself and feel that he heard me I felt better even though he may never understand this loss from my POV just as I won't from his.