Stressed out - feeling selfish - wanting opinions

ewenner

So DH and I don't live anywhere near either of our families, and we alternate Christmases.  This year we will be with his family.  I always stress out about spending Christmas with my in-laws, because they try so hard to make me feel comfortable, that it makes me really uncomfortable, if that makes any sense at all.  My mother-in-law just fawns over me and tries to do everything for me, when all I really want to say is, "lady, I can pour my own darn bowl of cereal, thank you."  So, I am dreading it even more than usual, because 1) They've decided on top of everything, they also want to throw me a birthday party while we're in town (my Bday is in January); and 2) If they already hover so much now, I can't even imagine how much worse that will be since we will soon be announcing the pregnancy.  I swear, if any one tries to touch my stomach, I might just haul off and slug them.  

Anyway, I feel like I'm just being selfish and unappreciative, because I know they are just trying to be nice and welcoming, but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable.  I really do not want them to throw me a birthday party, but I feel like that's ungrateful.  And I really really really do not want them to make a big deal over the pregnancy.  I don't know what my question is here.  I think I just need to vent and maybe somebody to tell me if I am being selfish and need to just suck it up and let my in-laws dote over me like crazy, even though I hate it.  Sorry this is long!  Thanks for letting me vent!

NeonNoon

Sorry you're having to put up with overbearing in-laws.  It's no fun.  My parents and in-laws are all overbearing in different ways and we have the fortune to be hosting my in-laws this Christmas  I can suck it up for about 2 days and then it just starts falling apart.. haha.  My MIL has already proclaimed that she will be petting my belly. 8-|

I don't think anyone should feel like they have to appreciate overbearing actions.  It is not selfish to want some healthy boundaries, and to want to be treated as an adult, and as an individual with their own needs.

Anyway, I'm gonna suck it up, and you probably will too.  We'll be miserable for a short time, then we can share post-holiday war stories  Oh, I will be fully exploiting pregnancy as an excuse to take lots of 'naps'.

supersarah77

Oh, in-laws. I can see how trying too hard to make you feel comfortable would actually feel really UNcomfortable. And your anticipating fawning overdrive for your bday and pregnancy announcement. Sometimes I think parties are also for the people throwing them. It probably makes your ILs feel good to be so nice to you. So it's not just about you, it's about them. How many days will you be there? Our families both also live far away so we just suck it up for the other and we survive those few days a year. My BIL is a giant douchebag that I dread seeing. I go on daily runs and that's an excuse for a break. Taking naps is a great idea, too, like @NeonNoon said. It's important to my husband with his family and it's important to me with mine. I can suck it up a few days a year. Now if they lived closer, that would be a different story...

mindaa

For me, that's my own mom! She's been so weird ever since DH entered the picture (like, 10 years ago!) 

I don't have any advice because I don't deal with it very well. It really has made it challenging to have an "adult" relationship with her, when she treats me like a spoiled child and/or house guest. 

With IL's though, it would be hard to confront them when their intentions are positive. Sorry for you - it's hard to smile and suck it up without so much as a glass of wine!

Like supersarah, it helps me to escape for a run/workout, but the nap idea is great, since right now the weather or fatigue could make a workout difficult. And if you say you're just going out for a walk, usually people will want to join  

niknak1208

Ugh.. I would despise staying with my inlaws.  I always tell DH that if we ever had to live there.. his mom would end up missing or dead because I'd go nuts and do something to her! lol I couldn't stand it.  She never fawns all over me.. I actually don't think she cares for me that much..  but she totally takes control of our kids which drives me up a wall. And it doesn't matter where we are.. their house.. our house.. even in our own house.. she will take charge of them..  try to discipline over me.. at birthday parties.. she's the one in the middle of the floor opening with them. Really really bugs me.  My daughter just turned 2 before Halloween and she did that.. plopped her big ol butt right down in the middle of the floor with my kid and opened presents with her.. I hardly got to open anything with her. 

good luck!  That's a tough one. I can totally see why you feel torn.  I'd probably just suck it up but I can definitely see the dilema and how you would be uncomfortable. 

ewenner

Thank you all for making me feel like not such a horrible person for feeling this way!  I may ask my DH tell them that I really don't "need" a birthday party, and hopefully they'll decided they don't "need" to throw me one.  And I will certainly speak up if people try to touch my stomach (hopefully in a nicer way than punching anyone in the face).  I think I will just try to suck it up and deal with the rest of the doting, fawning nonsense.  Taking lots of naps is a great excuse to get away from it all from time to time!  Hooray for that!  Thanks again ladies!!!

af2004rn

I may have an unpopular opinion but I say go and try and have fun. Don't needlessly steal your in-laws joy over becoming grandparents. I wish I had relaxed a lot sooner in my marriage. My in-laws have (with time) become a great source of help. I just learned to accept her for who she is and (amazingly) she has done the same for me. It works better. In hindsight, I feel I did rob her of joy with our first pregnancy which was her first grandchild. I regret it. But I am learning to be the daughter-in-law that I want my son's future wife to be for me. 

Not sure if that helps. But I hope you have a nice trip.

xuxachi

af2004rn said:

I may have an unpopular opinion but I say go and try and have fun. Don't needlessly steal your in-laws joy over becoming grandparents. I wish I had relaxed a lot sooner in my marriage. My in-laws have (with time) become a great source of help. I just learned to accept her for who she is and (amazingly) she has done the same for me. It works better. In hindsight, I feel I did rob her of joy with our first pregnancy which was her first grandchild. I regret it. But I am learning to be the daughter-in-law that I want my son's future wife to be for me. 

Not sure if that helps. But I hope you have a nice trip.

I agree - I think you should suck it up and maybe try to find a place of acceptance for who they are while maintaining your boundaries. They will be in your life for good and the better you can interact with them the happier you'll be...and your DH and LO. Good luck

marijaa333

Do you think they're being overbearing because they expect similar treatment in return? Do you find the overbearingness annoying because you feel it obligates you to do things for them later on?

I'm just trying to figure out what's under the issue.

I know my mom is extremely overbearing but then gets hurt if I can't answer her email right away, or if we do something my husband's family but not with them (when actually we pay many more visits to my family than his, but she doesn't see it that way).

My solution has been to try to balance things and set expectations about our schedule when we go visit. That means that we usually have breakfasts and most dinners with them, and we will help run errands for them during the day, but otherwise we're out (or in) on our own. I would go nuts if I didn't have frequent breaks, and I think my husband would too. 

ewenner

af2004rn and xuxachi for your take on the situation.  That's definitely a different way to think about things.  I certainly don't want to "steal their joy," but at the same time I just don't want them to make a big deal about everything, which is their tendency.  

marijaa333, I do not think they necessarily expect anything from me in return, I think it's just the way they are - trying to make everything "perfect" for me as the "guest" and be super hospitable and formal.  Every time we come to visit, my MIL literally goes to the store and stocks her kitchen with all of the foods that DH and I like, even though she won't eat most of it herself.  She even told DH at one point that she wanted all of my family's holiday recipes so that she could prepare a dinner like I would have if I were with them.  In my mind, that's just crazy overboard.  

Now, my own family is just the opposite - when we go to visit, everything's very casual.  We eat what's in my parent's house, and if there's something special we want for ourselves, we run to the store and pick it up.  DH doesn't get special treatment as a "guest," because he's part of the family, and he gets treated the same as everyone else in the family.  I think that's the real reason it all makes me so uncomfortable - it's just not how I am, based on how I was raised, and it all seems so forced and foreign to me.  

I will do my best to take deep cleansing breaths and accept that this is how they are, and I can't change it.  It's just so frustrating because I know how hard they're trying to make me feel comfortable and at home, but they're doing just the opposite and makes me dread Christmas, which is one of my favorite holidays.  Thanks again for all of your input!

xuxachi

I think that's great. Remember they are coming from a place of love and kindness and maybe overtime they will ease up as you all get more comfortable with one another. No one has a perfect relationship with the in laws and for some of us it's a life long journey.

MrsJCool

ewenner... can you talk to them and tell them all the special attention makes you uncomfortable, or ask hubby to tell them?

ewenner

MrsJCool - Funny you should mention that.  DH just called them the other day and told them that I really did not want them to do anything for my birthday, and their response was that they really want to do something nice for me and what's my favorite kind of cake.  So...  that didn't exactly work as hoped.  Honestly, it makes me wonder what their real motivation is, because if we tell them it's not something I want, and they insist on doing it anyway, then are they really doing it for me, or are they doing it to make themselves feel good for doing something that they think is nice?  Oh well.  I think I am just going to have to grin and bear it.  Gotta love in-laws!

katzll

Have you ever just straight out said to her "I see all the love & care you put into making me feel welcome & comfortable but the truth is it makes me uncomfortable for this reason..." nothing can change/get better if she doesn't know there is an issue